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Jon sat with Ewan, dejected and sour. They sat together on Ewan's love seat, watching 'The O'Riley Factor' on Fox.
"What's your problem dude?" bellowed Ewan. "This is your favorite show!" He paused, looking over at Jon. Seeing the pain in his buddy's eyes, his voice became gentle, apologetic. "You want another Grolsch, guy?"
"No!" snapped Jon. "NO. NO. NONONO." He suddenly stood up and continued his rant, spelling out his 'no's' in sing-song fashion. "No da-dee no no no!.No da da dee da da no no no!" He pulled his sweatshirt up and brought it up over his neck, exposing his chest while his sleeves remained on. He knew that pissed Ewan off. "No da -dee no boo-pi nodadeeno!" He tweaked his nipples playfully, and let out a large fart.
Suddenly his mood changed and he screamed and laughed. "It won't smell - just watch. The loud ones never smell if they come out all strong and clear like that, y'know! Remember when we catalogued all the different kinds of farts your freshman year at NYU, when I visited you, in your dorm..."
But this was no time for jokes. Ever since Jimson became pregnant, Jon was so obviously jealous that it really was just impossible to be around him. "Jon," Ewan said darkly, and trailed off, staring into his flat beer.
Then came Jimson's voice from the bedroom. "Ewan sweetie?" she called softly, with gentle tones.
"Yes honey? Yes?" Ewan's demeanor changed, becoming light and carefree. There was devotion in his voice as he called, "What would you like, dear?"
"Could you make me some more green tea, with a little less honey this time?" she intoned lightly from their bed.
"Oh yes, dear! Yes! Yes! Yes!" He sprang from the loveseat and before going to the kitchen, did a little waltz step. Then he tried clicking his heels together, attempting to affect a childlike air for Jon, but he couldn't manage it. Since Jimson had become pregnant, Ewan had gained 23 pounds. He had become, in Brad's words, "flabby and pasty".
Jon wasn't amused at all. Just the sound of Jimson's voice stoked his envious feelings. He sat back down, seething in impotent rage…
Date Written: February 17, 2003Comments:
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 5
05/3/2004 qualcomm (5): that sweatshirt trick really does piss ewan off. try it sometime!
05/3/2004 scoop (5): I feel implicated in something I didn't even do. First-rate-Grade-A triple X emotional porn.
05/3/2004 Will Disney (5): No da -dee no boo-pi nodadeeno!
05/3/2004 Will Disney: This is exactly why we needed a Historical Shorts feature. No comments on this gem?!
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Goddamn!
05/3/2004 Phony Millions: A little distance of time, and this one seems more digestible to you guys, I happily see...Remember those fierce polemics about poking real live folks in our shorts?...
05/3/2004 qualcomm: i believe i gave this a good rating back then, but it was erased. i don't think the polemics over inside shorts had to do with real people getting real feeling hurt, only with the appropriateness of offering inside jokes to our vast readership
05/3/2004 Phony Millions: True, but there was a little testiness over my lampooning you and Ewan...The complaint (rightfully, I now think) was mostly that I wasn't so much exxagerating or sending up something that either of you would do in reality - I drew you both at various times as babbling idiots, which really was a bit silly.
05/3/2004 qualcomm: who made that complaint? me? i think i actually liked this one. "you want a grolsch, guy" has become an idiom between ewan and me.
05/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Lerpa, it's okay to say so when something hurts your feelings. I'm sure that Brad didn't mean you any real harm, but no one will fault you for being upset, especially if you express it in an adult manner.
05/3/2004 qualcomm: NO! no da da da dee NO! NO-BAH NO-BAH!
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow (5): I would, in fact, like a Grolsch.
05/3/2004 Phony Millions: Do you guys drink Grolsch? It's not a bad beer, actually, no?
05/3/2004 John Slocum (5): until I read the commentary, I thought this was about Jon Matza. Either way, it works.
05/3/2004 Ewan Snow: Well, the funny thing is that you were always the one who would buy Grolsch. Maybe it was the masonry bottle top (which makes a fine roach clip if you pull the metal part out, by the way). But actually, I do like it...
05/3/2004 qualcomm: i think we should try to sell a "You want another Grolsch, guy?" ad campaign to Grolsch
05/3/2004 qualcomm: the airtight masonry bottle is also ideal for trapping farts.
05/4/2004 Phony Millions: come again, Lerpa? Does that actually work?
05/4/2004 qualcomm: which do you mean, evans? pissing off ewan by exposing my nipples or trapping farts in masonry jars? oh wait, the answer to both is no. brett pollock and i actually tried to do this and release them hours later in sean's room, but it didn't pan out.
05/4/2004 Phony Millions: Nice! The same Sean who put small flattened chunks of his own feces in cubes of hash, or so they said.
05/5/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh, you mean this?
05/5/2004 Phony Millions: Damn, my brain's getting foggy, Snow! You already nailed that.
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: How did I miss this? God, I feel so loved in Phony's shorts. Um....I mean...