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The new orderly stared at the aged, rotting frame of the once-great actress now in the maddening throws of dementia. He wiped the spittle off her palsy-stricken face. Her voice sounded like rusty knives being scratched against a blackboard. "General, you served my father in the clone wars..." Carrie's usually listless and emaciated frame suddenly clawed at the air furiously, "We're on a diplomatic mission to Alderon!" The new orderly jumped back, startled at the spastic gesticulations of the wheelchair-bound princess.

The other orderly could sense the anxiety in the newcomer. "Don't worry newbie. You'll get used to it. Carrie's so far gone we're lucky she can even speak. Watch this: Hey! Hey, 'princess' - what say we go check out the carbonite freezing chamber after "Matlock" is over, huh?" He laughed. Carrie began to squirm and cough up fleshy, glistening, rainbow-colored bits of phlegm all over the new orderly.

*Gaaak* "Han...we must save Han!"

The veteran orderly continued laughing. Wiping the gelatinous, protein-based matter from his smock, the neophyte was clearly having doubts about his co-workers and his choice to pursue a career in geriatric care. He then heard voices down the hall uttering more familiar dialogue.

"Get in there you big oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

Startled, the newbie turned to his co-worker, "Is Harrison Ford here, too?"

His partner was walking away and ruefully shaking his head in disbelief, not even bothering to look back as he replied, "No, that's just Simmons and Barker fighting over who gets to clean up Mr. O'Malley again. Apparently he's shit himself right on schedule. Christ, I can't believe it's only 11AM. We still have to feed these God-dammed fuckers jello and tomato soup in less than an hour."

Date Written: February 11, 2004
Author: Lenny
Average Vote: 3.6

02/17/2004 qualcomm (4): while much of this is sloppily written (how does someone's frame claw at the air anyway) and overwritten (protein-based matter), the central idea made me feel worse than i've felt in weeks.
02/17/2004 senator (4): Rainbow colored bits of phlegm. Ha, funny. Maybe a little too long, but original.
02/17/2004 Mr. Pony (3): I think I heard the Fresh Air interview this short appears to be based on. Funny, but the windup is a little too big, I think, for the payoff at the end.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: holy shit, pony -- it's a ripoff?!
02/17/2004 Mr. Pony: No, no. I'm gonna go with the phrase "inpsired by". Here's the interview, if you think you can stomach Terry Gross long enough just to find out for yourself.
02/17/2004 Dylan Danko: I was actually going to give this a good vote but now I have to listen to the interview first.
02/17/2004 Dolemite: OK...I can't take it anymore...my inner geek is going crazy...here it comes...you misspelled Alderaan.
02/17/2004 qualcomm: $10 says pony responds.
02/17/2004 anonymous: Whaaaat dooo youu meeean byy thaaaat, Feldspaaaaar? Whaaaaat could Poooony possiiibly saaay?
02/17/2004 Lenny: "Alderaan", huh.....man. Good job, Pony. This was indeed inspired by Terry Gross's recent reply of an interview of Carrie Fisher. But it's by no means "stolen". She simply mentioned that when she gets older she's probably going to be a babbling old woman quoting stupid lines from Star Wars. The rest is mine. You don't like Terry? I think she's dreamy...
02/19/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I heard the interview but I still like the short rainbow colored phlegm and all.
02/19/2004 Texxx: Dolemite, you mean your outer geek.
03/7/2005 deliciousbrains (3):