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Sean Connery pulled down his plaited gabardine trousers and perfectly clean underwear. He sat on his custom shitter and thought about what part he should play next.

“If I accept the part of the world’s smartest genius king,” he mused aloud (his orotund basso profondo redounding off the genuine Majolica tiles of his brand new bathroom, which, incidentally, was also a custom job), “Then I will have finally typecast myself into a being of pure energy, like Harrison Ford. That will be really neat.”

Connery stood up and clapped his stands twice. “Well,” he intoned, “Let’s see what the crap fairy brought us today! Yessss... that prime rib with Bordeaux reduction is digesting nice, real nice.”

Date Written: March 30, 2002
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 5

Comments:
02/3/2004 Ewan Snow (5): One of the all time best. It's amazing how many of the old ones have no comments... "Let's see what the crap fairy brought us today!"
02/10/2004 scoop (5): Basso profundo indeed Miss Money-Penny.
04/13/2004 John Slocum (5): Among the many admirable attributes of this short is the inclusion of WINE.
04/14/2004 Jon Matza (5): Yeah, this one escaped me somehow, and I was the poorer for it.
06/3/2004 Phony Millions (5): Yeah I don't know how I missed this one! A perfect specimen.
06/24/2004 TheBuyer (5): Random. Was this top 5 recently?
06/24/2004 Mr. Pony: It was, and it would be again, if he would just change the title so that it starts with a space.
06/24/2004 TheBuyer: ah yes, the clever "space is the letter before a and the number before 1" thing.
10/4/2004 anonymous: this one too
10/4/2004 Dylan Danko: anon a, why are you such a pussy?
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Yeah!
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: You tell him, anon_c!
03/25/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I take issue with "plaited gabardine." Did you know what you were talking about? Or did you just think it sounded like authentic clothing.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: i didn't think it would trick anyone who knows anything about clothing. like girls, say.
03/25/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Okay, yeah, I'm a girl. But I happen to know very little about clothes. I'm not done with you yet. That "real nice" is out of Qualcomm's mouth and not out of Connery's. It's too bad, because "crap fairy" is spot on.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: i think i might have had something with a herringbone pattern in mind. but what's the problem, anyway? i looked up gabardine in the dic and it seems like a perfectly reasonable cloth for making pants with. and when i looked gabardine up on google images, i got mostly pictures of, guess what, pants! see the pleats in those gabardine pants?
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: I'm not so sure about that last point. I can hear Sean saying it.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: the "nice, real nice" was intended to be off-tone, you darned know-it-all. connery would never not use an adverb that way.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: maybe in the character of the dude from the untouchables, ewan, or some other low-caste character, but never in his own home.
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: Really? I can hear him saying that. And I thought Jimson's point was about "plaited", which I thought meant braided.
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, I always pictured him as the Untouchables guy in this short.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: no, the first definition for "plait" in merriam webster is a pleat. the second definition is a braid. ie, it's a fun alternate spelling.
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: Ah.
03/25/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I'm surprised by that. I always think braid, never pleat. But in any case, language is mostly about usage, eh? And "plait" is never really used to describe what happens with pants. That's always "pleat."
03/25/2005 qualcomm: well, merriam webster disagrees with you
03/25/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Do a google search and see what comes up with "plaited gabardine" or even "plait" and "gabardine."
03/25/2005 qualcomm: and so does russell athletic wear. not exactly lightweights, jimson.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: notwithstanding google, it is your job as the reader to know that plaits means pleats, especially in conjunction with pants. did you think i meant braided pants?
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: It says it's from the Latin plicare, to fold.
03/25/2005 qualcomm: that's a lie
03/25/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Well, there could have been braids down the side. And when the hell have you ever heard anyone use the word "plaits" when referring to the "pleats" on his pants? You just had a hard-on for the word "plaited"--thought it sounded more refined or something. I think "gabardine" did the job all on its own. That said, mostly I'm just rankling....
03/25/2005 Ewan Snow: Wait, what's a lie?
03/25/2005 qualcomm: i do have a hard-on for it, and soon i'll be producing enough semen (up to 500% more) to cover the word's entire face with my warm junk.
03/25/2005 Will Disney: did i vote on this yet? whoops! this could be a 4!