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It was the state-mandated day of romance, and Woman wanted her box of fucking chocolate. Not even romance they're pushing, strictly speaking, I thought, fastwalking to Walgreen's, breathing February in through my nose so hard it made my eyes tear, more like a national stroke your woman's ego day. The whole fucking American concept of love, in fact, hijacked by a Cosby Show feminine value system: monogamy, fidelity, domesticity. And if you dared challenge any one of these sacred cows, you were immature, even immoral. I charged without hesitation directly for Walgreen's' electric sliding doors.
What the fuck? The whole thing's set up like some bullshit mystery cult, where every manjack has to pretend he's happy in his Hendrixian "plastic cage," paying fealty to his bitch-goddess at all times with reassurances that she's the most beautiful thing he ever saw. Meanwhile, beauty remained a completely arbitrary social construct, and what the old-timers said turned out to be true, as usual: you can't even see it anymore, once you've lived in close proximity for any extended period. "The once-beautiful face becomes familiar, neutral, grounding out the static charge of your fantasy projection," I said to the cashier as I paid for the biggest heartbox in the store.
I came home out of the cold and poured myself some coffee. I could hear her descending the stairs, no doubt excited to get her blood-candy. All my life I've seen religions in the most removed and contemptuous way, as silly collections of rules with obvious goals for its adherents. How could anyone exist within those rules in such a narrowminded fashion, without any objectivity? This is how, this is what it's like to live inside a religion, one whose theology has actually penetrated your consciousness to the point where it short-circuits your own rationality and personal moral response. No more, I pledged, accepting my girlfriend's sincere and ecstatic embrace.
Yeah, so I bought her the food. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Fuck you.
Date Written: February 13, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 4.09091
02/20/2004 Phony Millions (4): This is good. I like the vernacular - a mix of pissed off scorn and dreary self-conscious airmchair philosophy. I identified. If it was a little more funny I'd give it 5.
02/20/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Agree with Brad. This is pretty good, though not LOL. The last sentence was odd. "Food"? Why not chocolate or something? What does the sentence add?
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Yes the last sentence could be chopped but this was very enjoyable.
02/20/2004 Craig Lewis (4): I thought "food" was funny.
02/20/2004 Jon Matza: She's that delighted by a Walgreen's heartbox? Sounds like a keeper.
02/20/2004 scoop (4): Great fucking first line! That stupid bitch will consume the nourishment. It always do. I wanted to hear more of that pissed-dude voice with all that philosophizing. Oh yeah, food shouldve been capitalized to balance Woman.
02/20/2004 Mr. Pony: In the mind of the speaker, chocolate is food--pure sustenance without the cultural baggage assigned to it.
02/20/2004 anonymous: matza: stover. russell.
02/20/2004 scoop: Hey Pony, shuddup and consume the nourishment already.
02/20/2004 Texxx (4): "The once-beautiful face becomes familiar, neutral, grounding out the static charge of your fantasy projection" should be put on boxes of Viagra.
02/20/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: That's still the cheap stuff, author. Now, something like Godiva or Lindt...Cadbury, that's what she'd be looking for.
02/20/2004 qualcomm: or a 90% cocoa-content haymaker, followed by one-two combination buttercream bitchslap
02/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, scoop, don't make me come over there and kill you! I'll kill you!
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: Are you being racist again, Jon?
02/20/2004 Jon Matza: Something's bothering me here: I can't figure out to what extent the author shares the narrator's point of view and to what extent we're meant to find his bitterness comical. Serious question. Anyone?
02/20/2004 Moe-Ron (5): F You Valentine's Day.
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: I know who the author is so I know the answer. Soon, brother, you will too.
02/20/2004 anonymous: matza: i think it's supposed to be a little of both. i only think this because your opinion, and the opinion of other readers, is just as valid as mine. everything is equal. everything is, in fact, the same as everything else. brother.
02/20/2004 Mr. Pony (4): You know what? This short is right! What a fool I've been. I'm FREE!
02/20/2004 anonymous: congratulations, pony. you've just taken the first step into a smaller, more categorized, and better-defined world.
02/20/2004 Jon Matza (3): OK, since my opinion is so valid, I'm going to giuve it to you free of charge. My sense is that the author strongly shares the narrator's POV (though it's clearly exaggerated for effect)...and because I don't buy the viewpoint he's espousing - or ranting - here, I'm only gonna cough up ***. Admittedly, I prefer shorts with no serious agenda...anyhow, I think the 'social constructs' he's so beaten down by are largely in his imagination. Why can't he find a less materialistic valentine? However I liked his comment to the cashier, and the Russell Stover comment made me laugh...might've added a star if it'd been in the short.
02/20/2004 Dylan Danko: The world of the misanthrope?
02/20/2004 anonymous: matza, you read this too literally. yes, the narrator is clearly a stand-in for the author, but there is hardly a one-to-one relationship between the ideas presented here and those in the author's brain, either in degree or quality. your sense is incorrect. now go back to your fucking bitch-goddess and worship her, you beaten-down half-man!
02/20/2004 Ewan Snow: I dunno, the speaker (and yes, the author) is a real crank, but what's wrong with that? It's still sort of funny. I don't see it as much about having a serious agenda as just about being a pain in the ass. In the interest of a long, boring digression, let me tell you a little story: I knew this guy in college who would always go on and on about how stupid birthdays were. Why should the calendar anniversary of somebody's birth be an occasion to give them gifts, he'd ask. Why not give gifts on some random day? His girlfriend aptly pointed out that he never did that either. Well, some time later she learned that he had been stealing money from her and she dumped him. So let this be an important lesson to you all!
02/20/2004 anonymous: further, the author feels that matza only gave this 3 stars because he strongly shares the narrator's POV! holy shit!
02/20/2004 Jon Matza: Author: you should've just come clean & made it clear it wasn't your point of view - I would've given you mad stars (4).
03/7/2005 deliciousbrains (4):
02/10/2014 scoop: This really deserved a 5. Sorry.
02/12/2014 qualcomm: No way, this was garbage.
06/1/2014 Marvin_Bernstein (5): now this is brilliant