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Whenever I hear somebody refer to a vagina as a, “box,” I picture a cardboard box and imagine closing it by folding the flaps (need I say labia?) one over another until the last flap, which must be bent and tucked underneath, is in place and the box has the semblance of being sealed. And then I remember the steady torrent of female arousal around a guy like me. The flaps wilt. The corrugated labia, waterlogged and limp, loosen. They flop open on the sidewalk and get ground to pulp in the rain as people walk over them. So ladies, if you wanna turn me on, use the term, “V-hole,” instead.
Date Written: March 12, 2004Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis (4): No, you need NOT say labia! Oh, the tragedy of that parenthesis! Author, you besmirched a nearly perfect short with unnecessary exposition. Trust your reader! Also, your punctuation needs work; if "a, 'box,'" and the like are meant as style-jokes, they are not funny style-jokes. Sorry to nitpick, but God is in the details. 4.5 rounded down because of carelessness. Great punchline (marred by more comma problems).
03/17/2004 qualcomm (4): will "gorilla salad" suffice?
03/17/2004 scoop (4): Four Stars! Unless its Maniacs, then I reserve the right to deduct two stars for being a fucking hypocrite in league with the Peggy Noonans and MAtt Lauers of the world. But otherwise, Four Stars!
03/17/2004 John Slocum (4): Deducted 2 stars because of midling premise and execution, but added a star back because short mentions Loosen, or Dr. Loosen, the very good riesling producer in the mosel-saar-ruwer, specifically in the bereich of Berkastel (http://www.drloosen.de/). Great at coaxing slate, peach and honeysuckle aromas from his steep vineyards along the river, the storied Himmelreich, Sonnenuhr and Würtzgarten sites. Try one of his balanced spätlese!
03/17/2004 anonymous: Oh, really, he didn't need to say labia? You mean you managed to get the ridiculously overdrwan metaphor wihthout the absurdly unneeded exposition? Amazing. Thanks, Lewis, for missing the point again, you stupid fucking cunt.
03/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Gosh, Author, no need to get sore at Lewis. I'm sure he means well, even if he is a little slow sometimes.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: ~
03/17/2004 Jon Matza (4): "slimy ax-wound"? "wizard sleeve"? "poodle"?
03/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Golly, Lewis, you really showed me up with that link. I'm not too smug to admit writing a stinker every now and then. (Need I say you are?) I didn't exactly expect it to get rave reviews in any case. It was just a single dumb joke. Get back to me when you write about 500 more shorts. We'll see how many of them are better than Vagina.
03/17/2004 John Slocum: Author: If lewis is a stupid fucking cunt (how uncivilized), it's because he refered to this short as being nearly perfect (when in fact, it's not very funny at all), not because he didn't get it. What's to get? What is the intended point of this short that lewis missed, if the point isn't to try and be funny? Dr. loosen's riesling vines have a better sense of humor.
03/17/2004 John Slocum: snow: nice of you to come to lewis' defence. It's a nice change.
03/17/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Fewer commas! Fewer commas! Otherwise fun.
03/17/2004 Craig Lewis: *Yawning*
03/17/2004 Jon Matza: Though people seem to be getting sidetracked from the short's content, it's striking how the debate/discussion keeps returning to the short's theme. First the author calls Lewis a "cunt". A bit later, Lewis responds to Snow's attack with a vaginal shaped tilde character which readers are expected to place their "arrows" on and "click". Snow responds by directing readers to the Lewis short "Vagina". Slocum weighs in on whether Lewis is indeed a "cunt", and if so, why. Throughout, others chime in with various synonyms for vaginas. Lewis responds with the single word "yawning", yet another subconscious reference to the gaping v-holes that seem to be preoccupying everybody's consciousness. It's as if the short's subject has consumed its readers; we are left flailing around in the whirlpool-like vortex of the topic and are sucked ever-further down into the short's slimy depths, flailing and thrashing around to escape. Yet the more we look for footholds and solid ground to grab hold of, the more we become enmeshed in its slippery, murky clutches...
03/17/2004 anonymous: Slocum, I was just referring to him not getting that the "need I say labia" thing was intentionally unneeded. That's all. I agree, this short is certainly not difficult to get.
03/17/2004 scoop: I want to commend Matza for his deep and penetrating analyisis, or should I say cuntysis, I feel he managed to skirt around the hairier distractions and get right meat of the matter, the wet, pink meat, with clitorises on top. Although, I do feel he could have pentrated deeper, or as the Japanese say: "Kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty."
03/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Hate to bore you, Rover. Feel free to leave any time.
03/17/2004 anonymous: well, i, for one, am always thinking about pussy. when i'm not too busy fucking it.
03/17/2004 scoop: As soon as I'm done with this vagina I'll get to that pussy. Man, things really can get out of hand at the office.