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My dad used to take us food shopping:
a. We didn't have a mother so we got to pick.
b. I got to wear pajama pants and he didn't notice.
c. We were all such little scrubs.
There were some rules though:
1. Mello Yello was bad 'cause it had lots of caffeine.
2. No more Pac Man or Donkey Kong cereal.
3. The siblings tried to put candy in the cart: no.

I saw my chance and took it: S'mores granola bars. Would they be allowed, wouldn't they? When we got home, it was an unspoken agreement that I would be awarded four of the chocolate-covered bars and the siblings would take three each back to their rooms. Later, I found my father giving himself a self-examination for hemorrhoids. But I was still the

Champion. Kid. Foodshopper.

Date Written: March 14, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3

Comments:
03/18/2004 qualcomm: this is strange. the lerpa is confused by this short's mix of nostalgia and an acmeism like a hemorrhoid self-exam.
03/18/2004 John Slocum (2): Unfocused? Inconsistent voice? I'm not pulling for the champion, pajama pants and all.
03/18/2004 Ewan Snow (4): The mix of nostalgia and acme voice is what's funny, I'd say.
03/18/2004 qualcomm: hell, slocum, it's not that bad.
03/18/2004 scoop: Maybe Slocum's distressed the kid got granola bars instead of some cheeky Chablissy Chardonnay with a nutty ambience, or the such.
03/18/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Although the voice is a bit inconsistent, I like that this scribe is putting him/herself out there and getting honest and all that shit. It kind of made me weep uncontrollably.
03/18/2004 anonymous (1): Cuntz.
03/18/2004 scoop: no, you're a cunt.
03/18/2004 anonymous (1): Vote, damn you!
03/18/2004 Will Disney (3):
03/18/2004 Dylan Danko (2):
03/18/2004 John Slocum: Snow: A mix of nostalgia and acme voice could be funny, and has been funny, but is not funny in this short. There's no art or cleverness here. Scoop: are you refering to undistinguished, cheap commercial "chablis" from california, not made from chardonnay and certainly not nutty, or real chablis from burgundy, france which is made from chardonnay and can be nutty?
03/18/2004 scoop: Slocum: I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about and got lucky that a Chardonnay is even a wine.
03/18/2004 anonymous (1): Cuntz.
03/18/2004 scoop: No, you.
03/18/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Stop that.
03/18/2004 qualcomm (4): here's the lerpa's two cents. normally i'd give this sucker 3 stars, but i'm correcting some lowball votes. i don't think it's that bad. one needs to read each short in the spirit in which it was intended. in the case of this one, i think it should be read as a Reader's Digest anecdote gone wrong, or something from David Sedaris' secret notebook. what would have made this a genuine four star job for me is removing "It confused and scarred me for life". you shoulda just mentioned the self-exam and never touched on it again.
03/18/2004 John Slocum: The Lerpa: That's the only thing that held you back from a genuine 4 stars? I see your point about the intended spirit, and might add an unofficial half a star. Still, the execution of the intended spirit is lacking for me.
03/18/2004 Craig Lewis (3):
03/18/2004 qualcomm: slocum -- actually, no, that alone probably wouldn't have made it a four-star job for me. probably a little more genuine heartstringiness in the lead-up as well woulda done the trick.
03/18/2004 Will Disney: you see? that's the problem with s'mores. too many fucking carbs!