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The Allegory Stupid of Jacob Starfish

Jacob Starfish awoke to the sudden realization that he wasn't wearing pants! No pajamas, no underpants, not even the slacks he had been wearing the previous day! Also, he was on an above-ground subway train moving through Brooklyn! Also, he had a tummy-ache!

"Oh, my," he thought. "How in the world did I get on this train? And where have my pants gotten to?"

Before he could search his memory for answers, he felt the train shudder and slow. The vibrations of the brakes hurt his ears and made him dizzy. He looked around. The sun shone through the windows, casting backward shadows of swear words on his face. His particular car was empty, but he could see how that was about to change! Standing on the approaching platform was a horde of soon-to-be straphangers engaging in their morning commute! A tiny fart escaped his butt.

The train stopped! With a chime, the doors rocked open! As the compartment filled with groggy passengers shuffling their newspapers, Jacob dove through the doors separating his car from the next! With wide eyes and gritted teeth, he stood between the two cars and glared through the scratch-fogged window as the subway car filled: seats first, then the spaces under the bars, then the shallow nooks formed by the doors!

"What am I going to do?" he wondered aloud. Then to himself, he said, "I have no pants, and I am on a crowded subway! I am in big trouble!"

"Stand clear of the closing doors," the computerized voice intoned. This gave him an idea! He turned invisible and flew away.


Date Written: March 15, 2004
Author: Jacob Starfish
Average Vote: 4.5714

03/18/2004 qualcomm (5): i'm not sure i really feel five-starish about this one, but it's well-written, has a lot of splendid details, and it's good to see a guest come to acme with such a departure from the usual short.
03/18/2004 Craig Lewis: Hmmm...
03/18/2004 Craig Lewis: There's a charm about this short. I like the way that the soon-to-be straphangers are "engaging in their morning commute" simply by standing on the platform. And I love the "Brothers Karamazov"-style inversion of noun-and-adjective in the title phrase. Excellent denoument. Can Jacob Starfish get laid in Part II, please?
03/18/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Ooops. Sorry, forgot.
03/18/2004 qualcomm: i thought it was a "Silver Surfer"-style noun/adjective inversion in the title.
03/18/2004 Craig Lewis: I'm sure you're right about the Silver Surfer.
03/18/2004 scoop (5): Yeah, the departure thingy that Felds..., sorry, I mean ""The Lerpa"" said.
03/18/2004 Mr. Pony: "I wield the Power Cosmic!"
03/18/2004 Will Disney (4): some good lines in this one. and who hasn't woken up pants-less or on the subway? maybe not at the same time, but independently? who hasn't? certainly not me.
03/19/2004 Jon Matza (4): Good ending, excellent use of exclamation points.
03/23/2004 Jacob Starfish: PART II
03/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): I'm becoming a big Seagull, I mean, Starfish fan. I can't believe I missed this the first time around.
05/24/2004 TheBuyer (5): Recently, I have decided to do whatever The Lerpa tells me to do while I'm sleeping. His ideas make me scared. No one reads these things, right?