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The Allegory Stupid of Jacob Starfish

Jacob Starfish circled over his two-story apartment building. Had he lived on the second floor, he could have landed on the roof, saving himself the embarrassment of landing pantsless in the gathering crowd on his front stoop. This, however, was not the case. Jacob lived in the basement apartment.

"Who did this? Who could have done this?" the crowd seemed to chant, in unison. Their mournful wails attracted more onlookers, who joined the gathering in their vocal suffering.

"This is my chance!" Jacob whispered to himself; quietly, so no one would hear him. Taking advantage of the crowd's preoccupation, he landed on his concrete steps, tiptoed down them, and unlocked his front door with a key hung conveniently from a ball chain around his neck. Stealing inside his apartment, he grabbed his pants from the floor. They had apparently fallen from their hook. He put them on, sighing a whoosh of relief.

He decided to do something about his tummy ache. He relieved his bowels in his small windowless bathroom. When he was done, he was very careful to put his pants back on. His tummy still ached. "Perhaps I am hungry," he said in his best Dracula accent. This made him laugh. He could always crack himself up with his Dracula accent.

"Who could have done this?" moaned the crowd outside his window. Jacob Starfish decided to see what the fuss was about. He left his apartment through the door he had entered through.

Gently pushing his way through the crowd, Jacob's eyes saw a very strange sight. A six-foot tall pigeon lay on the street. It was dead; a chef's knife protruding from its breast. The pigeon was really big. It has already been said that the pigeon was six feet tall; that was meant to convey the size of the pigeon had it been standing upright. The pigeon was proportionally wide, so lying on its side; the pigeon was about three feet high. Its wingspan, had it ever had the chance to spread its wings again (which it would not (it was dead)), would have been equally impressive, probably something approaching ten or eleven feet.

The crowd continued. "Who did this? Who could have done this?" Jacob felt similar thoughts running through his head.

"I did it. It was me."

Every head, Jacob's included, turned to face a woman with shoulder length brown hair. The woman's head stayed pointed where it was. She was about Jacob's age, maybe a little older, and dressed plainly. She had not answered with any guilt or remorse, rather; it was as if she had just heard the question. Jacob felt a stirring in his pants.

"GET HER! GET HER!" The crowd became a mob rather quickly, gritting their teeth and shaking their fists.

"Whoop!" the woman said, realizing her situation. She turned and ran. The mob continued chanting, standing their ground.

Jacob ran after her.


Date Written: March 22, 2004
Author: Jacob Starfish
Average Vote: 3

03/23/2004 Jacob Starfish: PART II
03/23/2004 Jacob Starfish: PART IV
03/23/2004 Jacob Starfish: PART I
03/25/2004 Craig Lewis (2): Jacob Starfish jumps the shark. It's not fun, it's not funny. I like the fact that Jacob keeps his key on "a ball chain around his neck," though. Are there by any chance meticulously arranged hipster-kitsch objets d'art in his basement flat?
03/25/2004 John Slocum (3): Gooey and Loose. What I mean is, even within this fairy-tale style, you could tighten this short up so it isn't so long. Seems like you get so carried away with the faux-childish-fable-vacuousness that it loses it's purpose. Loose and gooey is great if one is getting an enema, not so great here.
03/25/2004 John Slocum: does starfish have a lisp?
03/25/2004 anonymous: Yes, Parts I and II of Ewan's autobiography are by far the best as Jimson's votes clearly indicate.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): What the f is that supposed to mean?
03/25/2004 Ewan Snow: Anon_a, why chose to be anonymous for such a tepid, boring comment? Are you even more tepid and boring than the comment and so see it as risky? Also, let me count the ways in which your comment is stupid. 1) What do I have to do with it in the first place? 2) Use of the hackneyed “autobiography” joke. 3) I didn’t write it, as is now well established, so why “auto” anyway? Did you imagine the comment had some wit?

And Craig, I continue to enjoy your need to throw French phases into your posts. (Idées fixes, objets d'art, bon mots, une demi-étoile, cri de coeur, bien sur.) As you are a pretentious cliché, it's amusing to note that you make such frequent use of that cliché of pretension.

03/25/2004 scoop (3): Je m'appele scoop. J'ai des pantolons. J'ai aussi lave-vaisselle. Ce ci s'ennuie.
03/25/2004 qualcomm: ewan, i think anon_a is pony/starfish, making a half-hearted attempt to throw sand in our eyes about who authored this.
03/25/2004 Ewan Snow: If so, my apologies. Pony admitted authorship on the main message board prior to posting the comment below, so I assumed it was not he.
03/25/2004 qualcomm: what's lerpa?
03/25/2004 Craig Lewis: Neige: j'aime tellement ta petite barbe mignonne. Dites-moi, qui est ton coiffeur? Sois pas timide, ma renoncule.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: ? ???????? ??? ???? ?????, ? ???? ???????? ??????? ?? ????? ????.
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, that wasn't me. When I throw sand in your eyes, you'll know it. Or you won't even feel it. One of the two.
03/25/2004 Craig Lewis: ?????: ??? ?? ?????, ??? ?? - "????????? ???????????????? a." ?????? ??????????? ? ???????? ????? ??? ?????????? ???????? ????????? ? ?????
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: ? ??????? ??? ?????????
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: ? ???? ??? ????????? ?????. ?? ????? ??, ?????, ? ???? ?????? ?? ????? ?????? ???! ?????????? ??????.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Jimson, ??? ?? ?????! ?????????? ?? ?????? ???????(?????) ?? ???? ????????
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: What, you're too scared to attack Ewan directly, so you attack his closest female--anonymously? Jesus Christ, your cowardice has reached impressive new levels. Please continue the conversation, don't mind me.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: How do you do that with the invisible part? I wanna know.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: and please read my response
03/25/2004 Craig Lewis: Jimson: invisible ink = no fair.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I'm using this ahem "wonky" translation dictionary. I think you asked me not to be skupy to you? I don't understand. Anyway, if I posted the method here in public, what good would that do? Plus The Lerpa is sure to yell at me.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Mulp.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: I like skupy but i wrote mean. Seriously, the invisible thing. Anyone?
03/25/2004 Craig Lewis: Disney: please change my user name to "skupy." Immediately.
03/25/2004 Ewan Snow: It's quite easy, asshole.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Aww, come on.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: I categorically deny all accusations! So anyway, I thought I could cowardly avoid detection and also make it seem like it could have been a Lewis post. I really thought Jimson was talking about Ewan in her message board post and that Ewan's claim that it was Pony was to throw us off the track. Blast! I'm too conspiracy minded!.
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: I've done some recon, Danko, and five times out of seven, "anon_user" is you. Also, how do you know she wasn't talking about Ewan?
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: You best find some new form of cover, Dankman.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Because she thought Starfish was you. No? And please provide evidence.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: From now on Danko only needs a brolly and his wellies for cover.
03/25/2004 anonymous: ?????
03/25/2004 Ewan Snow: If you are referring to Jimson's original message board post in response to Starfish's post (where she said Aha or some such), how could you think she meant anything other than that Pony was starfish. If you look at what she was responding to, it was a conversation between you two that starfish suddenly interrupted (because pony was accidentally logged in as starfish). Pony made an excellent attempt at a save, by telling starfish (which is really pony!) to butt out, but no dice. I wasn't even posting at the time, as the record shows.
03/25/2004 anonymous: ?????????!
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: ??????!
03/25/2004 anonymous: i thought maniacs was starfish.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Wellies are so cute.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, there seem to be two vying for a claim to the fish that is starred. But Pony seems to have been outted less voluntarily. Although, I like Benny's explanation. By the way, anon_c, you are Benny, right?
03/25/2004 anonymous: what's a wellie?
03/25/2004 anonymous: ¡Imposter! ¡Soy estrella de mar!
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: So are you, Jimson. How could I have ever thought you would do something so dastardly! I'm off my meds.
03/25/2004 anonymous: ?????!
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I was just defending myself is all. Besides, I think you've learned an important lesson here, Danklio.
03/25/2004 Jacob Starfish: I'm not sure I see what all the fuss is about. I'm just trying to tell a story here. Sorry if this middle bit here is a little dull, by the way.
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Are you implying that I do things involuntarily?
03/25/2004 anonymous: Well, now we know who anon_user_b is.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: No, just that that your alterego seemed to have been revealed accidentally. Perhaps I'm wrong, boy genius. But the fact that you posted two comments at once under two different names actually lends credence to the idea that you are both of these authors. Just the kind of subterfuge Pony the Starfish would engage in. Very nice.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: I sure have. I need to create an alter ego like the rest of you douches. Jimson, my comment below was genuine. Momentary lapse...apologies, etc. My name is DANKO!!!
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh wow, would you look at that. That might actually be believable if they weren't posted at exactly the same moment. Almost as if it's designed to be disbelieved. Say, is there anyone who has recently been editing comments after the fact?
03/25/2004 Ewan Snow: huh?
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: No offense taken, Dankleberry.
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: That's Dingleberry to you, Jimson.
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Naw, I'm just saying that the two of us posting comments at the same second isn't the sort of thing that a reasonable person would fall for. Therefore, it feels forged to me. Since neither I nor (I'm assuming) Jacob has the power to edit comments, it seems not entirely unreasonable to look, at least for a moment, elsewhere.
03/25/2004 Jon Matza: This discussion string is extraordinarily boring. Make them stop, Lerpa!
03/25/2004 Jacob Starfish: Yeah.
03/25/2004 anonymous: So look away, Dillweed!
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Wait, so now Matza is Starfish?
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Now we know who anon_user_c is.
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: So, Dylan, you were saying...about Dingleberries...
03/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Wait...allow me...what's Lerpa?
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh yeah, well you see, I sometimes wipe front to back but today I was wiping back to front and...
03/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Which is the front?
03/25/2004 Dylan Danko: The hole I talk out of.
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, so of course I wrote this. Also parts I, II, IV, and V. In using a different name, however, I wasn't attempting one of those stunts everyone's always accusing me of. Maybe I took my denial too far. Here are some of my reasons for using another name:
1) Fear. I haven't really ever written any kind of story since the eighth grade. I was afraid how it would be received. As it turns out. the story takes some pretty un-Acme-like turns, and I'm not even sure if it's the kind of thing that should be posted here. Or posted, even. Showed it to Mrs. Pony, and she liked it, but she's really biased. Bless her heart.
2) I was made an author for drawing stuff. Didn't feel entirely right to be posting this under Pony's name. Also, I wanted this story to be judged on its own merits. "Stick to drawing stuff" was what I didn't want to hear.
3) The story works better, I think, if it's written by the main character.
So there. Maybe I should have announced that I was publishing under a different name, or just published under Mr. Pony. See reason 1. Fear fear fear. Anyway. Thanks.
03/26/2004 Jacob Starfish: Wait, am I supposed to feel bad for you now?
03/26/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Pony, considering the quality of some of the shorts I have read here thus far, you have nothing to worry about. I only worry that people give you too many stars. They are handed out so freely here in this place. Oh by the way, have 4 stars.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Pony, I think the lesson here is that you should have no fear (or no more than normal, anyway). You prose shorts are great when they're great, and not quite so great when they're not. Just like everyone else's. The one thing you might want to consider is actually just writing a short, instead of chopping up a longer piece.
03/26/2004 Jacob Starfish: Writing is so fun, though! It's like when I realized that drawing on a computer was so much better than on paper--you can make so much stuff in such a short amount of time! I don't understand how you guys can stop at 250 words. I tried to make every idea, situation, and word count for or toward something, though. (oh, except the Dracula voice thing. That has no significance.) Hopefully, the whole thing will read well as a whole once V is out, but the individual parts are filling me with doubt. Anyway, thank you for your comments, Ewan Snow.
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: I've heard a lot of people say that kind of thing, that they get started and just want to expand, follow every thread, etc. I'm just the opposite. I set out to write a big fat novel, and wind up with a haiku.

As for drawing on a computer, I don't know. Art supplies are so much more appealing. (In general, I prefer them to art, even.) I'm no ludite, and wouldn't consider writing by hand under any circumstances, but for drawing, I prefer Bristol board, pen and ink myself.
03/26/2004 Jacob Starfish: Just so long as you're not some sort of apocalyptic futuristic weirdo. Perhaps you're better off that way. Foooor example, I can't really draw with a pen anymore. Seriously. Not with any skill. Still like gouache, though; but getting the lines right without a mouse in my hand is darn near impossible.
03/26/2004 Jacob Starfish: Ewan Snow, why don't you do graphical shorts?
03/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Too much work. I'm slow. Not that anybody else will care about this, but do you use a Wacom (or similar) tablet, or do you actually draw with a mouse?
03/26/2004 Jacob Starfish: I shouldn't be answering these. Pony?
03/26/2004 Mr. Pony: I've tried those tablets, but the surface is always so awful. Like slippery fossilized cardboard. Plus then you're limited to the normal range (and therefore habits and inclinations) of a hand. Certain lines come easily to a hand holding a pen, and I find the sort of lines I make with the mouse more appealing. So yeah. Mouse.
05/15/2004 Jacob Starfish: He kept his keys on a chain so he could open his apartment door, dummy! If you recall, he was not wearing any pants! Gosh, that's been bugging me for months. Now I can die! Aloha! That means goodbye! Also hello! Also, it refers to a familial sort of love for people who are not in your actual family! Those Hawaiians; they sure knew how to live! Aloha!