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All mimsy was my morning wood, upon it there did perch
a gryndilow with great green lips which gave a mighty lurch.
Back and forth and up and down—it nargled on the knob,
it’s gnashing lips went snicker-snack; mine head was all a-throb
wi th sp liney sense and new sensations not like those felt before;
It brought me close, and close again—til crying out for more
I felt the sluicing seed to rise, and splatter ’pon it's breast.
With gasping breath I pushed it off, and ’fore it could protest,
withdrew my singing sword, to wit, I put my rod away.
With heavy heart, but lightened load I tossed it coin for pay.
“Begone from here,” I told it so, but it began to jabber,
“Walk with me in the winey deep, I'll be no cockle blabber...”
And I must admit that gave me pause; cause before I'd only laid
a giantess and hippogriff,Oh!—and I once got anal from a mermaid..
Date Written: April 05, 2004Comments:
Author: Maxwell Demon
Average Vote: 4.6
04/8/2004 Craig Lewis (5): I've been planning to bust a verse short for weeks now -- and fucking "Maxwell" goes and knocks it out of the park with a goddamn sonnet about a guy getting head from...what? From a "water demon," according to http://harrypotter.gamingbasics.com. Anyway, every goddamn line is a gem, but I esepcially appreciated "I tossed it coin for pay" -- and, of course, the brilliant final couplet. I hate you, Maxwell Demon.
04/8/2004 Craig Lewis: P.S. This is the best thing I've read on Acme since Penny Pulaski. An auspicious debut. (Or is "Maxwell" another an Acme vet alter-ego?)
04/8/2004 Mr. Pony: I find it intriguing that "Maxwell Demon" is an anagram for...oh, wait, it's not. Almost, though. No, wait. Not even close. I could have sworn...But you know what I'm saying, right? Anyway, this is great fun.
04/8/2004 Mr. Pony (5): And so!
04/8/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):
04/8/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I like the remorse in the fifth couplet. I do have a couple of questions/complaints: What's happening with the third couplet? Is there something going on with that fourth line that I'm not understanding? And the one line I take real issue with is: "withdrew my singing sword, to wit, I put my rod away." That seems like a stretch to me. I think it's the "to wit" part that does it. Doesn't mean it's not a five, though. And the second line of that couplet certainly redeems everything in a hurry.
04/8/2004 anonymous: Sorry-I fucked up the break "a-throb" should have been the end of that line.
I think you're right-I really like the expression "to wit" but the fragment after wasn't quick enough to clarify the part before-I thought rod had a good connection to fishing, but maybe I needed to have another penis euphamism instead-I just didn't want it to get too vulgar before the last line.
04/8/2004 Jon Matza: Jimson's a published poetess, author. Watch your meter!
04/8/2004 Ewan Snow: Hate to poop on your parade, but I don't see the appeal of this one. I really don't mean to be obnoxious or discouraging to a newcomer (assuming you're not just one of us posing as a newcomer), but here's what I think the problems are: this poem seems to be ordinary “humorous” doggerel, making use of forced rhymes/inversions (“there did perch”), rhyming couplets, simplistic rhythm, polysyllabic or “grotesque” rhyme (“jabber/blabber”), etc. It doesn’t use any of the sonnet form’s main advantages (the 8 & 6, volta). Nor does it play on the form of the original poem, which is tetrameter in (mostly) abab quatrains. The thing is, the original was already in the form of silly light verse, so making a humorous version is highly dangerous. (By that I mean, Carol managed to make a decent poem out of a light form. By making a humorous parody of it, you run the risk of just writing doggerel, which is what I think happened.) Now I guess you’ll say that it is intentionally different and intentionally bad verse, which I wouldn’t disagree with. But does that make it good? Is a horny Jabberwocky parody funny? Maybe it could be, but this is not executed with the care required to pull it off. Also, there have been many other failed attempts. The horniness makes this less objectionable than most of those, but it still doesn’t quite cut it. I won't give it a bad vote and ruin your perfect five, at least not yet. But this seems like a three to me. I dunno, author, what do you think? Am I being too much of a stickler, a pain in the ass, or is there anything to what I’m saying?
04/8/2004 Mr. Pony: At least it's unique.
04/8/2004 John Slocum (5): Snow: I agree with some of your observations which you say detracted from the verse, particularly the existence of forced rhymes, bad meter and inversions (although inversions don't strike me as altogether inconsistent with the form - the Bard himself did not he invert from time to time?). A truer rendition of the sonnet form might have been the thing for a 5 star rating. But 3 stars? There is much worth celebrating here: the first sentence - I enjoyed it in the queue all week; the juxtapostition of modern scatology (morning wood, anal) with olde language is funny; and the basic idea, a sonnet about someone getting head from a gryndilow, is funny. Oh, and of course, I love the last couplet, forced or otherwise. Perhaps I should have given this a 4 star rating, but an effort like this which made me laugh out loud several times makes me o'erlook some of the clumsiness.
04/8/2004 Maxwell Demon: Snow-This will sound stupid, but until Lewis called the poem a sonnet I didn't even realize that it was 14 lines. I attempted to write this following the guidelines in the "about acme shorts" section; which I thought would make for an interesting first assignment. I started with the strong desire to use one of my current favorite phrases, "morningwood". "Mimsy" popped into mind as potentially sounding good with it. Also, from having recently read Harry Potter III: The Prisoner of Azkaban, the "gryndilow" stuck out and had that same sort of flavor. From there, the Jabberwocky references were indeed handled loosely. I didn't want to do a strict parody (I would have been much more deliberate, and I think much more boring), but the phrase "snicker-snack" sounded like BJ's, and thus the narrative took shape. The rhymes were quickly coaxed into place thereafter. Is it doggerel? Definitely. Is it funny? I thought so, but that's obviously subjective. I don't think you're pooping on me-I welcome the three stars because it's an honest response. "Highly dangerous" though, that seems somewhat limiting. I don't consider myself a poet (unless it's of the "and he don't even know it" variety). I just wanted to start with something simple. Everyone look at this for truly amazing/stupid doggerel.
04/8/2004 Maxwell Demon: Lewis-I forgot to mention-good call with the HP ref that's where I confirmed the spelling. I love him. 8
04/8/2004 Will Disney: So you claim to be a real person, eh, Maxwell? WELCOME TO ACMESHORTS!
04/8/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, I agree with slocum. The last couplet--in particular the second half of the final line--is what really won me over. I didn't pick at the contraption the way that Snow did, but I guess he has some good points.
04/9/2004 John Slocum: maxwell demon = the messiah = can do no wrong
04/9/2004 John Slocum: ?
04/9/2004 Mr. Pony: ???
04/23/2004 qualcomm (3): well, maxwell, you asked for it. execution is nice, but i think the constraints of rhymed verse painted you into unfunny corners.
07/7/2004 ElTwisto: ???