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Jimmy sat on the front stoop and raised the magnifying glass, biting his lip in concentration. He wanted to burn the ants that were trailing out of the house as they marched to their hill under the linden tree in the front yard. “Stupid ants,” he thought as he watched them file through the ranks of his army and over the green plastic tanks. He rubbed his knee where they had bitten him the day before. “Burn! Burn!” he crowed when he got the focus right. How he hated them. One by one wisps of smoke rose from their blackened bodies. Jimmy didn’t know how long it would take, but his Gran told him to keep the ants out while she went to the Wawa down the road.
Minutes passed, and Jimmy began to feel like it was him under the glass. His arms and legs were pink and he was thirsty. He put down the magnifying glass and waddled over to the tree. Under its shady canopy, he watched the target. Moving closer, he stood carefully over the anthill and pulled down his shorts and pull-up trainers. Squatting, he let loose a doodoo salvo—one long corn-flecked coil followed by two smallish turds. Grimacing with the effort, he imagined the state of the Ant queen when her soldiers reported the assault. Her bitter tears would do much to salve the reddened welts on his knees. He grinned, pinched off the last bit of doodoo and wiped himself with some of the fallen leaves, surveying the destruction. Ants frantically ran about the hill, some partially trapped by the mounded turd. Remembering their stings, he backed off a little and, for good measure, arced a stream of hot pee toward the tattered remains of the once orderly march. “Ha! You dumb ants.” Jimmy smiled as he pulled up his shorts and went back to the house. He wiped his feet on the mat, opened the screen door and walked through the cool front room into the kitchen to get some lemonade.
Date Written: April 16, 2004Comments:
Author: Maxwell Demon
Average Vote: 3.8333
04/21/2004 Will Disney: here's a sweet little childhood memory!
04/21/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I know this is a tangent, but being able to heat your pee is impressive. I can only arc a stream of pee. It's heat is relative, isn't it? Or maybe you acidic? That's some hot stuff there.
04/21/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Doodoo Salvo! This one has the ring of truth--except for the corn. Please, everyone--stop putting corn in your poo!!
04/21/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): You know, on the second read it's when I realize that he doesn't wipe his ass before pulling up his pants, and therefore I am much happier.
04/21/2004 anonymous: Sorry mrPony, Jimmy can’t help it—he loves corn.
04/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Never you mind. I want a Doodoo Salvo T-shirt.
04/21/2004 scoop (4): This short reminds me of the first time I relaized that the power of the glorious sun could be used as a weapon. It was a Monday morning before class when me and my friend Cosmo were croucing on the schoolyard waiting for attendence to be called. I really admired Cosmo, he was like a little Spock as a child. He had a quiet dignity and a palpable wisdom beyond his years. We were in 2nd grade. Well, anyway, I had just acquired a pocket magnifying glass that swung on a lttle hinge from a a faux-brown leather case. I took it out of my pocket and while my good friend Cosmo was daydremaing I angled the glass agains the morning sun and directed it to his hand. I remember the noise my friend Cosmo made when his skin began to burn and smoke. There wasn't a day in my childhood when I didn't wake up in the middle of the night with that noise in my head and smile. Thanks, author, for the memory.
04/21/2004 qualcomm: hmm, i have the same memory, but from 7th grade bio class
04/21/2004 TheBuyer (3): Except for the crapping into an ant-colony part, that pretty much describes my easter.
04/22/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I think I prefer scoops comment to this short. Sadism is a beautiful thing.
04/22/2004 qualcomm (4):
04/22/2004 Maxwell Demon:
04/22/2004 Will Disney: holy crap, maxwell!
04/22/2004 Mr. Pony: That's frickin' RAD!!
04/22/2004 Moe-Ron (4): oh yeah, stars
04/22/2004 Maxwell Demon: Uh-oh, what have I done?
04/22/2004 Moe-Ron: You've created a MONSTER!
04/22/2004 Mr. Pony: You have opened a can of evil.
04/22/2004 qualcomm: hooray.
04/22/2004 Will Disney: wow!
04/22/2004 Moe-Ron: SNAP!
04/22/2004 Maxwell Demon:
04/22/2004 Mr. Pony: Come aboard! We're expecting you!