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As usual, he vetted the others in the elevator car, and as usual, he found them wanting. I am a busy, important man with responsibilities that would make you dizzy with admiration if I told you what they are. See my tasteful attire? Very expensive. My wealth is considerable. Two commas. Two. And unlike you, I am here, now, in this place at 7:14 pm not to pick up logo’d hats from the radio station, or to have my glasses adjusted, or to have a fat foreign person endorse my insurance policy. No, unlike you I am here because my responsibilities require me to work at inconvenient times and implement shrewd, intricate financial transactions that affect the lives of other important people.
The tone alerted him to the car’s arrival at the 33rd floor. He stepped forward in anticipation and released his noxious offering, but the doors closed prematurely and the car remained stalled at 33. Seconds ticked by. The others in the car became more aware of his fetid contribution. They shuffled. Their discomfort grew. They knew it was his.
The doors opened. Released from the car, he reminded himself that patience is as important as stealth.
Date Written: April 22, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.1429
04/27/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (2): I was confused by the POV in the first paragraph.
There seems to be too much explanation in the last sentences. Sorry. It's probably just me.
04/27/2004 TheBuyer: Three stars for the botched crop dust plotted by the seven figure salary.
04/27/2004 TheBuyer (3): ...that said...
04/28/2004 John Slocum (3): ...yah, that said - same question about POV.
04/28/2004 scoop (3): There's a lot here to like, including the POV switch. But it just didn't make me laugh. I think the problem may be in the lack of specific details.
04/28/2004 John Slocum: What do you like about the POV switch, Scoop? I'm not against them, but what's the point here? Maybe it gives a structural indication of the character's psyche? (ie - he notices those around him for one sentence and then gloats about how good he is for multiple sentences - indication: insecure, scared, etc.). If so, what does the POV switch accomplish that a set of quotation marks for the character thinking wouldn't do more easily and clearly?
04/28/2004 qualcomm: i didn't think the POV necessarily accomplished anything (not that you asked me), but it was a perfectly clear alternative to maintaining 3rd person and using quotes. i didn't mind it at all.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I think it needs a better indication of who's thinking.It's hard to tell when it switches back to the main character.
04/28/2004 John Slocum: The Lerpa: I wouldn't say the POV switch bothered me, I'm trying to learn it's purposes, and I couldn't see one here. I threw myself at the feet of the acme community and begged to be learned.
04/28/2004 TheBuyer: I think the POV works with the narrative and helps to smash some humility into the initial paragraph.
04/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: "smash some humility?" Interesting.
04/28/2004 Will Disney (4): 2.75? are you folks nuts?
04/28/2004 qualcomm (4): yeah, there are a lot worse shorts than this that get higher scores, hence this corrective vote.
04/28/2004 Phony Millions: Hard to say on this one. If the point of view switches implicitly, understated like it is here, then it's maybe some sort of a formal device. But I can't connect the dots from there to a public fart joke.
04/29/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): "Noxius offering" takes all the delicious stink out of a perfectly good fart.
bye T. See ya sunday.