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Somewhere in upper region of a Dyson sphere on the far side of the galaxy, Sam Gutherie was having doubts about his current relationship. Lila had always been what the Professor’d call “sexually adventurous”, and he could sense her restlessness. He was okay with her having done every member of her band—that was all in the past, but now she’d even grown tired of “doing it” while he was using his mutant power for extra thrust. And there were bigger problems looming on the horizon.

It all began when they started hanging out with the Starjammers. Lila had ’ported them in after a recent concert on the Badoon homeworld, and it was all downhill from there. Corsair and crew had decided to stay for a week or two—which really meant that they were probably feeling the heat from their latest raid attempt. It’d been one thing when Lila’d brought up a three-way with Hepzibah, that skunk-skank was pretty hot—Sam’d heard Corsair boozily going on about how she would wrap her tail around his pecker and “rub out the Shi’ar.” That was alright he supposed, but even if he’d had wanted to he’d been having some recent trouble with his dork. Sam couldn’t “pitch a decent tent”—not even when he saw Binary “tapping into the energy of a white hole” buck-ass naked!

He wasn’t sure what the problem was, and there was no way in heck that he would let that quack Sikorsky get anywhere near him. For gosh sakes Chr'ylites couldn’t even hold any tools—how good a doctor could it be? It’d probably tell him to eat some Acanti jism or drink some shit like Zero fluid. Sam’s pappy would roll over in his grave if word got out that his eldest had troubles with the “downstairs plumbin’”. Sam wondered if it had anything to do with the funny feeling he was starting to get whenever he was around Ch’od. That Saurid fruit-cake might say it had something going with C’ree, but Sam could always feel those reptilian eyes boring into his “Appalachian treasure trail” whenever they were alone—a situation he was trying his hardest to avoid.

Sam mulled over his troubles for a while, but then decided to put them out of his mind at least until after Lila’s birthday bash. The big day was coming up, and he had gotten her an Antarctic vibranium dildo. In the end, maybe that would be enough to keep her happy. But for how long?

Date Written: April 28, 2004
Author: Maxwell Demon
Average Vote: 3.2

Comments:
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I can actually smell the newsprint and mid-80's stock ink! I think it's good that you left out Raza--That guy was totally useless, both in a fight and in a plot. Drunk Corsair = Awesome. The Jack of Hearts, though--The Zero Fluid was of Terrestrial origin, and furthermore, not really a part of the Claremont/Cockrum fever-dream you've constructed. Still, you've reminded me that it's okay to have erotic dreams about a cat alien, etc.
05/4/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): For all of its skill, this short is blatantly prejudiced against 56k dial-up modem owners, as well as people who miss the sub-sub-references. I found it hard work, and excessive in the links department.
05/4/2004 qualcomm (2): sweat act
05/4/2004 anonymous: Lerpa I think you meant sweet art, typo?
05/4/2004 John Slocum: What's 'Lerpa?'
05/4/2004 TheBuyer (2): Didn't Marvel me.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: I absolutely love how the explanation of Vibranium you linked to is careful to point out that Vibranium is not, nor could be an element on the Periodic Table. I have a weakness for this stuff. I think I must've read both Marvel Universe series cover to cover about three times. Ask me anything.
05/4/2004 Bitch-tits Yakitori: Why is the Dazzler the best superhero ever? (kind of a gimmie)
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: What do you mean by "best"?
05/4/2004 qualcomm: i'll field your question, maxwell: is it because she's incrementally less boring than the other marvel heroes?
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Allison Blaire's mutant ability to transmute sound into light is nothing compared to her beautiful singing voice and disco stylings. Her real "powers" have more to do with roller-skating. Bitch-tits Yakitori. The Lerpa: care to elaborate on that, or are you just being bratty?
05/4/2004 qualcomm: i speak bratty truths
05/4/2004 Jon Matza: I commend the effort here, but I have to question the device of filling one's shorts with ever more obscure pop-culture references to flatter/invoke nostalgia in those who recognize the references. Once in awhile OK, but too much of it and a sense of celebratory, I'm-in-the-club smugness starts to seep through. Yes, there are links to pictures of these characters here for the non-initiates. So what? Now we know what they look like. For me, hardly worth the effort for the minimal payoff: comics characters I know nothing about in sexual situations. Sorry if this is a bit heavyhanded; it could be better formulated...but it's more or less my honest response. Debate welcome, etc.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Uh-oh! You don't know what you're talking about! Uh-oh!
05/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Comic books! Golly!
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: [my previous comment intended for The Lerpa]
05/4/2004 Jon Matza: Damn, I was about to wirte a rebuttal.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Matza, I guess I see this as a well-reasoned parody of fan-fiction with some actual fan-fiction thrown in for good measure. I would imagine anyone not intimately familiar with The Uncanny X-Men (oh, say) #152-165 and New Mutants Annual #1 would find this fairly annoying. There is a fair bit of smugness here, but I think it's there for humorous intent, along with the links (which aren't meant to help anyone understand the characters story, but rather to poke a gag at the sort of fan-boy cross-referencing that one sees in this domain, I think). What I like about this is that it walks the line between parody and the actual thing. It's giddy.
05/4/2004 qualcomm: is that "uh-oh" supposed to be a rainman impression, pony?
05/4/2004 qualcomm: to matza's comments i'd like to add that if you took away the 'hyperlinks' and substituted the characters' names with, say, Dan and Tina and George, there would be nothing at all here. it's just a bag of references. i mean, maybe the references to "raid attempts" and people with tails would add a little something xtra, but you see what i mean, i'm sure.
05/4/2004 qualcomm: for a more self-aware and successful version of this short, see the sweetness of mine.
05/4/2004 anonymous: Lerpa, I think you helped show the other attempted point of my story—having some fun with how ultimately banal the use of insider-y or highbrow references are in general in some of the shorts on Acme. Perhaps I should have been reading more Kharms than Claremont growing up—would that have made it more interesting? To the wise Pony’s point, the short was meant to entertain those who knew the subject and to gently chide UGLEE people like you. don’t make me take you to the love dome and give it to you like Lady Deathstrike gave it to Mariko
05/4/2004 Bitch-tits Yakitori: Right on the money about the Dazzler Pony! Don’t forget that she also passed the bar handily, but gave up lawyerin' for a more exciting career in prostitution hero-f***ing!
05/4/2004 qualcomm: yes, author, i realize that was your intention, but i think your treatment of the sex was a little perfunctory. if you're going to have an orgy, i want some crude details. and who the hell are kharms and claremont?
05/4/2004 anonymous: Will bare that in mind. Kharms and Claremont. Enjoy!
05/4/2004 qualcomm: maybe if there'd been some DC characters.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Ha!
05/4/2004 Maxwell Demon: There hasn’t been a good crossover since X-Men/Teen Titans.
05/4/2004 TheBuyer: To back up my original comment- bad habit of doing my job while I'm at work rather than coming up with decent explaination for a rating but I'm working on it- it was the links that did it to me. Too much work for the payoff, even though the last paragraph made me laugh out loud with "but for how long." My comment wasn't meant to hack the style or content of the short, I didn't feel like learning the entire Marvel Universe to enjoy it.
'Nuff Said?
05/4/2004 anonymous: Lerpie: I especially reccommend Kharms’s Incidences it’s hil.
05/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Bitch-tits! I totally forgot about Dazzler's lawyering! Once Claremont got ahold of her, I think all she did was fuck Longshot. But yeah, she totally passed the Bar! Anyone have any back-issues to lend Danko for inspiration?
05/4/2004 TheBuyer: All I can find is from around 200-260, Seige Parialus [am I even close to spelling that right?] and the Reavers etc...
05/5/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I'm sorry I missed this conversation. I was busy rubbing out the shi'ar.