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It was me and the five hundred women I had at one time wanted to be stuck on a desert island with, all stuck on a desert island. The awkwardness hung in the air like styrofoam. Their spokeswoman cornered me. She had on a tight-fitting Hawaiian print blouse.
Jaqueline: Wait, why are you the only man here?
Me: My guess is as good as yours.
Jaqueline: You look kind of familiar - did I see you on the subway yesterday?
Me: Iowno. Maybe.
Jaqueline: Well do you have a theory as to why we're all here?
I couldn't focus. She smelled of SPF 45. Of course I knew the answers, but I also knew that if I let them out, they would turn into uncageable Tasmanian feminist beasts. I had to say something; the natives were getting restless, as it were.
Me: Listen. I really donít know what supernatural force put me here with all of you, but this isnít pleasant for me either, you know. I've got a wife and kids at home (it was a lie). I have a life too, you know. They continued to look at me suspiciously. It was the "magic hour", and they looked eerily beautiful in the pinky light.
That night, they had a secret meeting beyond the campfire. They came at me with sharpened sticks.
Me (panicky and chicken shit): I canít be held liable! I canít be held liable! and they chased me around the scrawny patch of land for hours. I eventually ran straight through some brambles, and lost them, though I have very little skin left now.
Here's how I figure it. If their momentary insanity doesnít kill me tonight, there's a good chance that they'll soon come to realize I am their only heterosexual outlet (or plug, as the case may be) and, in following with my original secret wishes, things on this lilí ole' isle just might look up!
Date Written: May 06, 2004Comments:
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.1111
05/11/2004 qualcomm (3): my first instinct was that this shitter was scoop's, till i remembered he doesn't ride the subway. for shame, maniacs.
05/11/2004 Dylan Danko (2): Sorry, couldn't get through it.
05/11/2004 Not Lisa (3): Okay concept, but you could have really swung out and made a great short out of it. However, you didn't, and I am left with the creepy guy on the subway telling me a not so interesting story.
05/11/2004 Jon Matza: I liked "It was the "magic hour", and they looked eerily beautiful in the pinky light."
05/11/2004 Will Disney (4): this is pretty funny. fine concept.
05/11/2004 qualcomm: i like how it illustrates maniacs' tendency to view women as victims.
05/11/2004 TheBuyer (2): No props for you, sir.
05/11/2004 Mr. Pony (3): This short was made with a nearly equal amount of very good choices and very bad choices!
05/11/2004 Benny Maniacs: I can't believe Smarty Jones got over a point higher than this.
05/12/2004 senator (4): I am amazed at the low ratings this short has received. This is a good idea. I enjoyed it.
05/12/2004 Jon Matza (4): What the hell. Wasn't crazy about the short but I liked the tone.
05/12/2004 TheBuyer: Did you edit? Sinner.
05/12/2004 Benny Maniacs: I, sinner
05/13/2004 TheBuyer: It's WAY better now.
05/13/2004 Mr. Pony: The ZING of the DAAAAAAY!
05/18/2004 mr.coffee (3): I like the way you wrote some of it. But if this story was printed on toilet paper, I'd wipe my ass with it.
05/18/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): If Trainspotting, Hamlet or the Odyssey were printed on toilet paper, I too would probably wipe my ass with it, so I appreciate your non-insult, Mr. Decaf Mochaccino with fucking donut crumbs at the bottom.
05/18/2004 qualcomm: Trainspotting. Asshole.
05/18/2004 Ewan Snow: Scoop doesn't ride the subway?
05/20/2004 mr.coffee: Whoa! Benny, you just declared war with that insult!
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: Trainspotting = far better book than anything (cough cough) Martin Amis ever wrote.
05/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: Nescafe: bring it on.
05/20/2004 Mr. Pony: Hhhhyeah!