ACMESHORTS - We Are The Internet

	Monday 11/2/2009 The Sanguineous Tale of the Hideous Demon Andrew Jackson by qualcomm
	Tuesday 10/27/2009 The deception gene's recessive by qualcomm
	Tuesday 9/29/2009 Looking in the mirror, I turned a sardonic eye on my eye. by Jon Matza
	Monday 8/24/2009 Do Android Hillbillies Fuck Electric Sheep? by Ewan Snow
	Monday 7/20/2009 Pony’s Soliloquy by Jon Matza

Fresh Short - Tuesday 12/7/2004

"And this is my insignificant other," I said, pushing Debbie forward.

Frank, my boss, shook her hand as she shot me a dirty look.

"What? It was a joke! Now go get us some punch, stupid."

The room got real quiet then as the rest of the guests strained to hear my banter. Debbie's chin started to do that annoying quiver thing.

"You bastard," she whispered.

Frank coughed and sort of looked away, clearly embarrassed by her oversensitivity. She always made scenes like this in front of my friends, playing for attention or whatever, but I sure as hell wasn't about to let her ruin my business relationships.

"Don't worry, everyone," I announced, coming to the poor simp's rescue, "My wife's just pantybunched because I accidentally recycled her dumb shopping magazines! How's she gonna know what to spend my money on, right? Now come on, people, this is supposed to be a Christmas party!"

Author: qualcomm

Avg. Rating: 4.28 (16 votes received)
Word Count: 160
Submitted: 12/2/2004 8:04:50 AM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
11/22/2006 7:38:33 PM - Master Bates (): (no comment)
3/7/2005 6:49:55 PM - deliciousbrains (): (no comment)
12/11/2004 3:23:00 PM - hagit mizrachy (): (no comment)
12/11/2004 3:21:48 PM - hagit mizrachy: Cuntry, Several things are amiss here. Debbie is just the kind of stupid bitch that pisses me off. Had stupid been used any later in the piece, the author would have been doing us all a disservice. But you refuse to see this and continue misguidedly believing that we live in a Democracy rather than G-d's great Constitutional Republic. This is apparently why you feel it necessary to involve yourself in treacherous vote-rigging. As such, I feel a certain obligation to intententionally misunderstand you. Therefore,I presume your indicisive 3/4 means .75. Or does it mean 3.5? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT REDUCING YOUR VOTE BY .5 TO A 3 balances out a previously corrected error? "Oh but I meant a 3 or a 4" you shreik. I do not want to know about your inability to make a solid decision. Despite my anger, I really need to go now as my husband just cut a hole in a new sheet. Hagit
12/11/2004 12:15:14 AM - Phony Millions (): (no comment)
12/8/2004 12:51:32 PM - Mr. Joshua: You got a problem with keeping it real, Dylan?
12/7/2004 7:08:42 PM - Dylan Danko: stop saying that
12/7/2004 5:07:49 PM - scoop (): Yeah. Totally KIRing it.
12/7/2004 4:56:32 PM - Mr. Joshua (): Correctively, for the injustice the author has suffered.
12/7/2004 4:29:07 PM - cuntry (): "stupid" coming so early kills it a bit for me. i also misread the pronoun but am myself grammatically challenged. 3/4 but 3 to account for earlier extra * by Mr Snow.
12/7/2004 4:20:07 PM - From Author: no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
12/7/2004 4:13:15 PM - Jon Matza: Jimson: you'd have understood if you knew the first thing about gender studies.
12/7/2004 4:12:37 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: P.s. You're right about the sentence construction, but I mistakenly read "hand" as "head" the first time through. I guess she probably could have been shaking her own hand, too. Perhaps she was fresh from the ladies' room and all the hand towels were gone or something.
12/7/2004 4:09:40 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: The thing is, that's what I thought was going on. That's why I was confused. I thought the author was deliberately trying to create some kind of confusion about Frank's gender. It actually interfered with my ability to appreciate this short. That's why I've chosen to abstain from voting.
12/7/2004 2:39:42 PM - John Slocum: I wonder if it's possible to harness that awkwardness with the pronoun for a purpose, I don't have a purpose in mind per se, but maybe there's a plausible scenario where that would be powerful. Maybe this isn't worth discussing.
12/7/2004 2:21:02 PM - Ewan Snow: Author, yes, context makes the pronoun question clear, but I had to re-read the sentence. It's not so much incorrect as a little awkward. I did not deduct points for it, however, because I am not as much of a stickler as my very, very, very, very significant other.
12/7/2004 1:43:05 PM - John Slocum (): This is a pony 3.
12/7/2004 12:53:55 PM - Dylan Danko: This is a rip off of The Office. Charges should be filed.
12/7/2004 12:49:44 PM - TheBuyer (): this kind of thing makes me cringe
12/7/2004 11:56:57 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs (): (no comment)
12/7/2004 11:37:05 AM - The Rid: And now my comment: Solid, evil shortness. Lovely. Shorts where people are unabashedly assholish and don't know they're assholish are great.
12/7/2004 11:36:20 AM - From Author: i can see your point for the first example, jimson, and i worried it a bit before deciding that readers would know frank was a dude, and therefore, that the "she" in the sentence could refer only to debbie. also, the sentence construction points to "she" being debbie; if i wanted to show that frank was shooting the dirty look, i would have written, "Frank, my boss, shook her hand and shot me a dirty look." as for the second example, see first half of my defense for the first example.
12/7/2004 11:31:14 AM - scoop: who them pronouns refferred to.
12/7/2004 11:30:34 AM - Litcube (): I have to agree with what Will said.
12/7/2004 11:22:45 AM - Jimson S. Sorghum: But what about: "Frank, my boss, shook her hand as she shot me a dirty look." Is Frank a woman? Also: "Frank coughed...clearly embarrassed by her oversensitivity." I don't know. I think points have to be docked for this kind of thing. Normally I'm not such a stickler, but I really wasn't sure to whom these pronouns referred.
12/7/2004 11:10:49 AM - Mr. Pony (): Solid. I thought it was a little easy, and a little regular, but solid.
12/7/2004 10:25:12 AM - Dick Vomit (): I dare say I would have liked this even more had it ended at oversensitivity.
12/7/2004 10:16:06 AM - The Rid (): (no comment)
12/7/2004 10:12:53 AM - Ewan Snow: Oops. Meant to give it 4. That's okay, though. No worries. Enjoy your extra star. Seriously. You practically deserve it.
12/7/2004 10:11:30 AM - Ewan Snow (): 4.25, but not leaning skyward enough to round up. I didn't quite chuckle at this though it was kind of funny. Maybe I've been desensitized to the asshole narrator shtick. It was compact and efficient, though. I'll give it that.
12/7/2004 8:15:23 AM - Will Disney (): (no comment)

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Fresh Short - Tuesday 6/8/2004

Lying on his back in the tall grass, Hunting Owl gazed at the clouds and ruminated. The quandary was like no other he had experienced or even heard song of in his 14 hunts. This much was true: Viable Corn was an attentive wife and a sturdy bearer of offspring. During the winter sojourn, she carried more weight than any other female of sled-dragging age. And did she not allow him to mount her in the time and manner of his choosing whenever the fever of mating overtook him?

Why then should his loins burn so for Destiny's Child, a young female barely out of her first season of lamentation? So strong had the desire grown, Hunting Owl could now mount Viable Corn only in the fashion of wolves, that her face would not scare away the spirit vision of Destiny's Child, which would visit him at these times. Now a new, more confusing vision played as vividly before Hunting Owl's eyes as the very clouds: Destiny's Child taking suck of Viable Corn's dugs, and then making feast of her birthing soil. What did this vision mean, Hunting Owl wondered, and why did it stir in him the fever of mating?

Author: qualcomm

Avg. Rating: 4.64 (14 votes received)
Word Count: 200
Submitted: 6/4/2004 12:25:27 AM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
6/1/2005 4:52:51 PM - The Rid (): This has taken the top slot for me.
12/13/2004 10:54:32 PM - Dick Vomit (): I am so totally fine with coming here months after the fact and five-starring the living shit out of Viable Corn and the whole lot of 'em.
6/13/2004 10:47:05 AM - Benny Maniacs (): This is a good short. It is a very genuine short. I didn't get it the first time but the fucker is sneaky. It's a sneaky, very badly behaved short. Bad short! Bad! In the words of Litcube, I'm giving it an four stars.
6/9/2004 5:16:45 PM - Dylan Danko (): Yeah, 'Viable Corn' is quite smashing.
6/9/2004 3:15:13 PM - scoop (): (no comment)
6/9/2004 12:42:09 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): What Matza said.
6/9/2004 12:15:55 PM - Jon Matza: Plus also, 'Viable Corn' has to be one of the best Acme names in recent memory.
6/9/2004 12:02:17 PM - Phony Millions (): '...the spirit vision of Destiny's Child...' funny shit, the whole thing!
6/9/2004 10:06:14 AM - Will Disney (): i hate to give the lerpa a 5 but...
6/9/2004 4:50:18 AM - Ferucio P. Chhretan: Pony, that is a jar of vaseline, right?
6/8/2004 11:50:21 PM - Mr. Pony ():
6/8/2004 7:03:14 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan (): Hunting Owl's not ready for that jelly.
6/8/2004 5:27:46 PM - John Slocum (): Well done! "Destiny's Child taking suck of Viable Corn's dugs"
6/8/2004 5:08:45 PM - TheBuyer (): I have also had the fever of mating stirred in me by such a vision.
6/8/2004 5:04:53 PM - Jon Matza (): "making feast of her birthing soil"--that's an understatement.
6/8/2004 3:44:25 PM - Ewan Snow (): Good idea.

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Fresh Short - Tuesday 11/3/2009

[warning: this short is longer than 500 words]

Check it out, someone is coming at you. He is riding a most excellent BMX bike. The rider pedals with a timeless, elegant, not to mention jumbo lumpish, beauty. He does not wear a helmet. He doesn't have to. Pretty soon you will see why.

The figure skids to a really cool stop right in front of you. Through the atmospheric dust cloud you see the guy totally wink and flash a killer smile.

"Hi!"

It's James Madison, fourth president of the united States of America, co-author of the federalist papers and central architect of the constitution, the longest running exemplar of self-governance in human history. He doesn't need to wear a helmet. They are gay and not cool.

"I'm James Madison, world class radical BMX racer, epic stunt puller and fourth president of the United States of America," he says, and you are like whoa.

"I've accomplished a lot in my career," he says squinting into the sun, cool. "Bunny hopped over three and a half anti-Federalists. Check. Pulled a Stinky Fernandez off of the front lip. Totes check. No handed backward donkey flip. Epic totes check."

He runs his hand through his wig and starts bouncing on his pegs. He's getting all serious.

"But there's one trick that I would never attempt. By now I guess you know what that is."

He's totally talking about the parchment barrier.

"I'm talking about the parchment barrier."

Knew it, knew it!

"If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times," says James Madison only the radicalest of radical riders, "men are not angels, although when I am soaring through the sky catching righteous air I could understand why you would confuse me with one. So we can not trust them to be stewards of our freedom, no sooner than we would trust the fox with the hen house.

'But what about the Bill of Rights James Madison?' Yeah right. Like that's one bill a tyrannous majority or unfettered centralized national government is totally going to pay. NOT!

It may be tempting to try to bunny hop the parchment barrier. You may want to post the clip on Youtube so all your enlightened brohams can check out your skill set. But trust me, it's not worth it. You are asking for a rag dolly, fourscoreandsevenbrosago. Once we start bunny hopping the parchment barrier we risk making our precious liberties (and take my word for it broasaurus rex, they are most precious) susceptible to any among us who would pursue their wicked project at the expense of the aggregate interest. Or the next King who would take the document where those rights are enshrined and dispose of them forthwith. We have to guard against the cabals of a few as much as we do against the confusion of the multitude. Tyranny or anarchy, pick your poison broheemers.

I'm not messing with you. You think some piece of paper can do that? Get real. You are your government, broslams, be vigilant. Don't be a bunch of cockrotters, dude, don't. Seriously. Democracy is like a building constantly under careful construction, centuries to build and moments to crumble.

And remember, just because I don't wear a brain bucket doesn't mean you shouldn't. Think about it. All right I'm going to jet. Need a major mud-ectomy."

James Madison climbs back on to his 2008 Verde Radia. It has a 33 tooth chainring. He is doing an awesome endo. That's a totes epic win I think we can all, you know, be into.

BTW You probably thought he would ride a Verde Theory. Well you would be wrong. But whateves.

WHAT!

EVS!

Author: scoop

Avg. Rating: 4.7 (5 votes received)
Word Count: 606
Submitted: 11/3/2009 1:12:21 AM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/1/2010 9:15:06 PM - Mylittlepony (): best work ever
11/10/2009 12:02:35 PM - Master Bates (): righteous. bro. what. ev!
11/10/2009 11:51:52 AM - scoop: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/36/James_madison-Age82-Edit1.jpg
11/9/2009 7:57:39 PM - Eliza: What?
11/9/2009 7:57:34 PM - scoop: Eliza: Is it okay with you, Eliza, that Michiko Kakutani has a significant influence on our cultural life?
11/9/2009 7:50:29 PM - Eliza: Is that okay with you?
11/9/2009 7:50:23 PM - scoop: Eliza: Did you know that given the shape of Vladimir Nabokov’s own life, it’s hardly surprising that death — and its cousin loss — permeated his fiction like a potent but noxious perfume?
11/6/2009 8:43:14 PM - scoop: Only if you are, like, a TOTAL FAG, Matza. As for the Great Helmet Compromise: there's a bit of a shot at the strict constructionists there. Those guys are always like, oh, oh the Founding Father's are like totally right. But those guys were constantly arguing on matters of theory and practice. And even Madison himself, when he wasn't doing peg hoppy-fakies on his killer bike, went back and forth on what the proper scope and scale of the new government should be. I mean he was a arrogant hot shot when he wrote the Federalist Papers, and he was humbled and chastened by materially occupying the theoretical edifice he helped construct. So even though Madison doesn't wear a helmet or does own slaves doesn't mean we should. Times change. Technology advances. Although I'm confident Madison wouldn't be on Facebook.
11/6/2009 7:24:51 PM - Jon Matza (): Re parchment barrier: am I right in supposing one pronounces it 'parche-mont' in a French accent? Awethr?
11/4/2009 12:19:05 PM - qualcomm: actually, on closer examination, madison doesn't say i should wear a helmet. he says i shouldn't necessarily not wear one. big difference. typically, he's embedded a fair amount of flexibility into his language.
11/4/2009 12:17:07 PM - qualcomm: i'm confused. the narrator says that helmets are gay and not cool, but madison says we should wear one, even though he doesn't. what would a strict constructionist do?
11/3/2009 3:57:37 PM - Litcube (): I so lol'd all over the place at this short's ending! Enjoyed the tone in the first half, and I was longing for Madison's tone prior to him getting all serious. Still, that's my problem. I hope for more President shorts.
11/3/2009 9:22:13 AM - TheBuyer (): he's no Andrew Jackson but still pretty badass, bro.

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