ACMESHORTS - We Are The Internet

	Friday 5/4/2012 J-DOG by Mr. Joshua
	Thursday 3/15/2012 Milky the flacid penis .... by shit_bitch
	Tuesday 9/13/2011 this is bullshit by Marvin_Bernstein
	Thursday 7/28/2011 chewbacca had the trotts by Marvin_Bernstein
	Friday 7/22/2011 Richard (Dick Humplick) by Marvin_Bernstein

Fresh Short - Thursday 2/3/2005

[warning: this short is longer than 500 words]

Laura projected her self-hatred onto me and began to eat the filet. Just then the Zanex kicked in and she felt like having a conversation. “So, getting lots of pussy lately?” she whispered with simpering enmity. I raised my left eyebrow, said nothing, and continued reading about Malaysia in The Economist. We were on the red-eye from New York to Los Angeles.

An hour later, the lights were turned off and “You’ve Got Mail” started. Laura might have felt ridiculous, but began to rub my crotch under the blanket. I stifled a fart and tried to go with it. She persisted, unzipped my jeans, and felt my flaccid failure. A cool drift of nothingness washed over me and Laura cried.

As the plane started to descend, an idiot lust descended on me and I grabbed Laura’s hand pathetically. I worried that my breath was bad and felt a tickling feeling of inadequacy in my belly that spread into my groin. Although I didn’t want to, I pictured myself naked and lost my erection. Laura lay asleep and I kissed her with genuine tenderness, but then I had the thought that ‘genuine tenderness’ was either a mental construct that couldn’t exist for me, or, more achingly stupid, I had simply fallen into a habit over many wasted years of talking myself out of anything genuine; moreover, I now had to reckon with the disgust I felt at the predictable lack of originality to that latter more self-reflective thought, because that sort of second-tier irony was so 1994. The plane landed, and I felt general pity for both of us – a little more for me than Laura because I was quite self-involved.

We fucked, Laura and I, by the early morning mist of Los Angeles at the DoubleTree in Marina Del Rey. As I approached orgasm, banging my muddled, flabby sadness into Laura’s endless anger and pain, Raymond Chandler popped into my head, and I reflected that thinking of him just because I was in LA was a typical gambit - trying to romanticize the paltry, banal aspect of a situation by tricking it out in the hues of authenticity – but not just any authenticity, mind you; the authenticity of Chandler, a fellow traveler in failure who raised his own dissipated alcoholic gloom up into the magic light show of a novel and adorned it with street smart savvy. Needless to say, my erection subsided and we moved to the bathroom. Finally, we both came together in a fit of urolagnia after Laura released a pussy enema of apple juice onto my chest, but not before I struggled with the suspicion that even that randy episode was not original, that we were just riffing on something we had read together recently in John Updike’s novel, “Wifey”. At that point, it didn’t matter because we were exhausted, and as we fell asleep, I held her in my arms with genuine tenderness for the first time.

Author: Phony Millions

Avg. Rating: 4.54 (13 votes received)
Word Count: 503
Submitted: 1/24/2005 7:36:35 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/5/2005 9:29:29 AM - Ewan Snow: Yeah, pony, let his ass show. It's okay.
2/5/2005 9:26:27 AM - Phony Millions: Pony, you are the resident ass-coverer.
2/5/2005 9:20:58 AM - Mr. Pony: Yeah, DV, you'd better get over here. I'm getting pre-tty tried of covering your ass.
2/5/2005 9:10:06 AM - Ewan Snow: I thought it was more liely that DV was being ironic, saying that Brad was way off the mark with his "Vomit is consistently turned off by characters that are a bit troubled" theory. DV, please explain.
2/5/2005 8:11:34 AM - Phony Millions: I thought, maybe that's what he meant, what you said, Pony. But then one would expect, maybe, a follow-up reason for why that's the case: after all, I was being ironic, Pony: just about every character that sees the light of day here is at least on his her way to being cracked in one manner or another. Ewan was pointing towards a random element to Dick Vomit's criticism: what he doesn't like in a particular short he might find just find in another, and he has not explained why.
2/4/2005 6:48:32 PM - Mr. Pony: I thought that he was saying that he was "totally" turned off by characters that are a bit troubled. I think he was agreeing with the assertion.
2/4/2005 6:43:43 PM - Phony Millions: Yeah I must admit I didn't get what Vomit meant by 'totally' either.
2/4/2005 4:22:32 PM - Ewan Snow: Here's another example, DV. "Totally"? You call that a post? What do you mean? Are you responding ironically to Brad's post? If so, maybe you would be so kind as to explain why/how he is wrong.
2/4/2005 10:59:15 AM - Dick Vomit: Totally.
2/3/2005 11:02:13 PM - Benny Maniacs (): I didn't think there was such a thing as "purely jaded" until the extreme flatness of "genuine affection" in the last line. Five stars for purity of jade.
2/3/2005 8:22:19 PM - From Author: It seems that Vomit is consistently turned off by characters that are a bit troubled.
2/3/2005 7:22:30 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: Danko: The quotes on "fit" were because I assumed I remembered your wording correctly, when in fact, I did not (except for the "tone" part).

Your clarification makes a lot more sense. I thought you meant that he picked the wrong year or something.
2/3/2005 7:10:57 PM - Ewan Snow (): I thought this was funny/interesting all the way through. I like the ending, the way it cuts to later in the last paragraph with "We fucked". I also like how the handjob doesn’t work, then the fucking doesn't quite turn out to work, so they have to go with a pissing scheme, but that didn't quite work so they used a fake juice enema pissing scheme. Nice story arc as character portrait.
2/3/2005 6:28:15 PM - Dick Vomit (): Hello! Controversial vote here! Hey, it's great there was urine, finally, but halfway through this short I felt like a psychiatrist who was really starting to think about giving up his practice in favor of fly fishing. If I catch this character typing in his diary at my local cafe, I plan to smash his laptop over his head, figuratively speaking. Lovely writing, though.
2/3/2005 4:48:44 PM - Dylan Danko: How come you put fit and tone in quotes, Jimson? Perhaps I should have said narrator's tone. The "so 1994" construction seems too VH1 for our hapless protag.
2/3/2005 4:26:45 PM - Jon Matza: Second time today I agreed with Danko but for diff reasons. I've just heard the "so 1994" construction one too many times. Though it could be argued this reflects well on me, as opposed to poorly on the short.
2/3/2005 4:01:23 PM - TheBuyer (): Anyone not currently sucking it can suck it.
2/3/2005 3:25:19 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: After reading this whole thread, I really want to read a thorough argument--with appropriate references where necessary--as to why 1994 doesn't "fit" in "tone." Come on, Danko. Lay it on me.
2/3/2005 3:22:40 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: Huh. I definitely thought they were coworkers, not spouses. I think it was the "So, getting a lot of pussy lately?"
2/3/2005 3:20:29 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): Quick, one of you experts, what other short does this remind me of? Probably something by Evans, but maybe something by Scoop.
2/3/2005 3:02:50 PM - John Slocum: This reminds me of the same world as the two in Snow's short 'prelude to regret.' the 'all fund raising all the time,' one, is that right? What did you all see in hartford?
2/3/2005 2:57:37 PM - Mr. Pony (): I'm with Litcube & qualcomm on the ending of this one. I'm always astounded at how uncomfortable and horrible your characters' lives are, Author. Maybe if they didn't over-think everything, they might find themselves happier!
2/3/2005 2:41:48 PM - Litcube (): I really enjoyed the first three quarters of this one.
2/3/2005 2:20:37 PM - Dick Vomit: Xanax.
2/3/2005 12:04:28 PM - From Author: Zanex also spelled 'Xanex', Vomit - the high is somewhere between valium and vicadin. I was sort of picturing them as maybe two people who work together, Qualcomm. The wife was understandably unsettled when I let her preview this one.
2/3/2005 11:28:34 AM - Dylan Danko (): Genuine tenderness? Are you sure you weren't just tired? I object to the 1994 reference because it seems out of tone somehow but overall I really liked this.
2/3/2005 11:20:59 AM - John Slocum (): (no comment)
2/3/2005 11:18:01 AM - Jawbreaker (): I liked the tone and the execution.
2/3/2005 10:50:31 AM - Jon Matza: ME suck it, Mahoney? I have a better idea. Why don't YOU SUCK IT, YOU JERK?
2/3/2005 10:41:00 AM - The Rid (): Therefore: Finski.
2/3/2005 10:40:59 AM - Shane Mahoney: No, YOU suck it, Matza! FU, Qualcomm.
2/3/2005 10:39:21 AM - The Rid: QC, I must disagree. I found the long, dragged-out ending appropriate in terms of tone and true, re: the unfortunate circumstances of some long-term relationships.
2/3/2005 10:39:09 AM - Jon Matza (): Enough jolly laughs here to render a few tiny objections irrelevant. Esp enjoyed the timing of the "Needless to say, my erection subsided..." line. YOU suck it, Disney!
2/3/2005 10:29:22 AM - Dick Vomit: Zanex?
2/3/2005 10:11:36 AM - qualcomm (): how's your marriage, by the way (guy)? i liked this, but its energy petered out in the second half, like a dribbly orgasm from an overly prolonged masturbation session.
2/3/2005 10:07:33 AM - qualcomm: author, the fucking webitecture only counts the number of words when you first submit a short. any subsequent edits are not word-counted. i've asked disney to rectify this error, but his response, not just to me, but to the entire acme community, was, i believe, "suck it."
2/3/2005 9:47:55 AM - The Rid: I really like this one. Don't know whether to four or five.
2/3/2005 9:42:34 AM - Mr. Pony: Maybe it's counting the warning.
2/3/2005 7:57:37 AM - From Author: I chipped away at this fucker to get it under 500 words! Not sure what happened.
2/3/2005 2:42:37 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs: I didn't understand this one, so it must have been good.

Mail this to a friend!

Fresh Short - Thursday 8/19/2004

The seeds of my downfall were sown in January, 19XX. It was bitter cold, like the breath of the Yeti. Snowdrifts abounded rising high, white mountains hemming in white valleys. They looked soft and comfortable like pure white pillows, or clouds, inviting one to lie down and drift off into a deep slumber. One felt as though one could but for the cold; the cold tore at one's parka and reached its icy index finger deep into one's long underwear jersey and scratched one's flesh with it’s frozen, dirty fingernail.

I was not yet a man but I bore some resemblance to one, possessing a full shock of dark, scraggly hair in each armpit. I was the first to shave among my classmates and if 2 days went by without it, I arrived at school with a stubbly jowl. I often masturbated and came and this made me very popular with the girls at Cabot Middle School. They pulled at my pants as they were desperate for my hard cock and the dark pubis that surrounded its base and climbed up from under my full scrotum. But they did not understand it; it was beyond their ken, and for me it was mere sport.

Author: John Slocum

Avg. Rating: 4.29 (7 votes received)
Word Count: 204
Submitted: 8/15/2004 10:41:17 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
10/8/2004 11:48:20 AM - John Slocum: By the way, ladies of Brookline: I think I might have had David Geller in mind, at least partially, when I wrote this.
8/20/2004 1:15:36 PM - TheBuyer: That was in response to OSS from earlier. You already made the suicide note joke? Shitty. Also, I was stoned when I wrote it and it seemed a hell of a lot of funnier at the time.
8/19/2004 11:52:15 PM - From Author: For 34 and a half years I thought 'Pubis' was 'Pubic Hair.' (Of course until I had the cognitive facilities in place to accomodate the concept of 'Pubic Hair,' I didn't really know what 'Pubic Hair' was, so lets say (for the sake of argument, that is) that it's been about 26 and a half years).()=-=()
8/19/2004 11:46:28 PM - Jon Matza: Are you trying to provoke me, buyer? This is the kind of discussion-killing posting I complained about way back when. Yes, I realize it's meant to be a parody of an outburst and/or self-deprecating. Yes, I saw the hidden text. It still makes no sense, given the below discussion had nothing to do with you. And why did you steal and misuse my suicide joke? What are you doing?
8/19/2004 9:26:30 PM - TheBuyer: FUCK! I come home to THIS shit? Oh my god I can't beleive you so tottaly said you motherfucker! I have feelings, big important ones, dick-whale, and you puked an ambigris of smelly, valuable hate on them!
So full of shit right now it's not even funny, but I got a rep to maintain.
This is a suicide note.
8/19/2004 7:36:30 PM - Jon Matza: "tag team tuna taco taste test"
8/19/2004 7:30:56 PM - scoop: You should say "hairy taco" instead of "poontang."
8/19/2004 7:00:52 PM - Jon Matza: I should say 'affinity' not 'appreciation'
8/19/2004 6:56:00 PM - Jon Matza: Pony's right: the author is in control of the idiotic parts. Scoop, I went to a great deal of trouble to explain the tenderloin aspects of this short. I feel that you lack an appreciation for sublime stupidity. This is not necessarily a failing, however: as Slocum would say, perhaps your mental palate simply does not accomodate these flavors.
8/19/2004 6:47:53 PM - Mr. Pony: I thought the joke in this one was its sophomoric execution; that the speaker is overreaching on his command of language, style, and reason. I thought the pubis error was intentional on the part of the author. You two should carry on, though, and ignore my opinion. I am quite eager to see who wins your argument.
8/19/2004 6:43:59 PM - scoop: Come on Matza, even you have to admit this thing is not piles of crucial sirloin wood meat.
8/19/2004 6:40:22 PM - qualcomm: okay, sorry, i was going by the dictionary definition.
8/19/2004 6:37:31 PM - Jon Matza: I already clarified my position on petulance, you strawberry. It's not the same as irritation per se. It's annoyance/anger blurted out wihtout wit or style (e.g., "More fucking dog shit from asswipe full-authors.") Those I've accused of petulance couldn't have written my previous comment.
8/19/2004 6:32:42 PM - qualcomm: matza, i think thebuyer has hijacked your name!! how else to explain the tone of petulance in your last comment?
8/19/2004 6:30:55 PM - qualcomm: i am a bit of substance fetishist, or maybe idea fetishist. however, the style of this one is merely competent, and on second and third reading sometimes not even that. this sentence, for example: "Snowdrifts abounded rising high, white mountains hemming in white valleys. "
8/19/2004 6:30:26 PM - Jon Matza: You're right, OSS. I apologize to the community for voting on this short based on its high quality, originality and my personal liking for it.
8/19/2004 6:27:30 PM - Jon Matza: that should be "found thought"
8/19/2004 6:27:15 PM - qualcomm: but a 5, matza? come on. you blew it.
8/19/2004 6:20:21 PM - Jon Matza: I already did, partly. I, 'za, thought found several jokes to be funny: the portentiousness of the first sentence, the coming of age tone, "and came", that whacking off made him popular with the girls, that his cock was "beyond their ken", that the downfall was never explained, and whether intentional or not, the pillows/clouds sentence. In short, the tone is savory nutmeg. But I suppose you, a substance fetishist, don't care.
8/19/2004 6:15:58 PM - qualcomm: by the way, author, pubis is the pubic bone, not pubic hair, as the context here seems to indicate.
8/19/2004 6:15:34 PM - Dylan Danko: Matza, I was simply referring to the strange practices of our mutual friend. Or maybe you know that?
8/19/2004 6:14:56 PM - Jon Matza: You guys are pure lecithin
8/19/2004 6:14:02 PM - qualcomm: explain the value-added of this short, then. please.
8/19/2004 6:13:15 PM - Jon Matza: Well I'm flabbergasted by your dumbfoundedness.
8/19/2004 6:13:06 PM - scoop: I see your "good" and lower it to a "boring."
8/19/2004 6:10:31 PM - qualcomm: (ie, my point was that it is merely good)
8/19/2004 6:08:47 PM - qualcomm: matza, i think this thing is competent and useless. i am dumbfounded by these 5s.
8/19/2004 6:06:37 PM - scoop (): I'm only doing this because I wish OSS was my boyfriend and I want to do everyhting that he does because he is the coolest.
8/19/2004 6:02:06 PM - Mr. Pony: I see plans within plans.
8/19/2004 5:55:40 PM - Jon Matza: OSS; explain yourself. Is "good work" sarcastic? Or directed towards the other voters? Or is your point that it's merely good, i.e. not good enough? Danko: no, it doesn't have to be, but the thought that it might not have been done to fruition would never even arise in the average reader's mind unless the narrator bothered to specify that it was, in fact, done to fruition. I for one also liked & was going to praise how the details of the downfall remain unspecified.
8/19/2004 5:46:01 PM - John Slocum: And what was the trap?
8/19/2004 5:45:45 PM - John Slocum: Wait...who set the trap and who fell into it?
8/19/2004 5:34:26 PM - qualcomm: by the way, i think this is sIocum's work
8/19/2004 5:32:43 PM - qualcomm: i should have 2ed this to correct all of the misguided 5s
8/19/2004 5:22:07 PM - Dylan Danko: Pony I think you're right. So, he FELL INTO MY TRAP!!!! AH HAAAAAA!!!!
8/19/2004 4:48:47 PM - qualcomm: hm, so that's two false suggestions of corkedness in the past month or so...
8/19/2004 4:41:03 PM - Mr. Pony: I thought it was his. I think you fell into his trap, maybe.
8/19/2004 4:38:50 PM - Dylan Danko (): This short is not corked. Add a star to make up you know who.
8/19/2004 4:36:06 PM - John Slocum: Danko, it probably wasn't corked.
8/19/2004 4:33:40 PM - John Slocum (): At first I was irritated because the short begins with mentioning the seeds of the guys downfall and then doesn't really illuminate that, but then I thought that was a cool touch.
8/19/2004 4:23:13 PM - Mr. Pony: It is?
8/19/2004 4:13:43 PM - TheBuyer: Hey! Is this an offering from Krueger's secret identity? huh.go highlight something else, twerp.
8/19/2004 3:45:18 PM - Dylan Danko: Matza, you know very well that it doesn't have to be redundant. Slocum, what do you think about this short?
8/19/2004 3:38:15 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan (): (no comment)
8/19/2004 3:29:20 PM - Benny Maniacs (): 4.5 freezing stars. Author: how about one from the perspective of the Yeti/his adolescence?
8/19/2004 3:25:24 PM - qualcomm (): good work
8/19/2004 3:17:03 PM - Mr. Pony (): Demon Dogs!
8/19/2004 3:11:04 PM - Jon Matza: I find the idiotically redundant "and came" to be particularly laden with lustre.
8/19/2004 3:09:59 PM - Jon Matza (): 1996 would be my guess.

Mail this to a friend!

Fresh Guest Short - Thursday 5/10/2012

[note: this is the author's first publication]

Title: dickie dick dong and the vagina computer

So there was a doctor and he had a patient with a bad vijayjay. It hurt so he put her on a table and turned on the vagina computer.

He didn't notice because he was beating off but the vijaynaaa computer started flashing errors and beeping. "10 seconds until reboot" it flashed.

Her jayna started hurting and squishing and gushing stuff and the pooey shute started letting out gum drops. She said "uhhhh". He said: "hold on a minute' as he tried to finish his bidness.

The computer started flashing and the thing rebooted anyway. He tossed his final bidness and let out a sigh of relief. She lay there in shock as the examiner tray squished the vijayjay further. It was a bloody end. Too bad medical computers cost so much or it would be like a free porn show all the time

Author: pointy_hat_herman_

Avg. Rating: 3.5 (2 votes received)
Word Count: 0
Submitted: 5/8/2012 5:43:39 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
5/12/2012 12:45:25 AM - Marvin_Bernstein (): what the hell is a vijayjay and why you say it so often? I think this short is significantly off and wrong
5/11/2012 1:41:12 AM - Mr. Pony: Welcome to Acme Shorts, pointy_hat_herman_!
5/10/2012 7:15:44 PM - Mr. Pony (): That IS too bad!

Mail this to a friend!

More Fresh Guest Shorts:

1. J-DOG - added 5/5/2012 1:32:42 AM by Mr. Joshua
2. Milky the flacid penis .... - added 3/11/2012 6:06:57 PM by shit_bitch
3. this is bullshit - added 9/13/2011 7:02:03 PM by Marvin_Bernstein
4. chewbacca had the trotts - added 7/28/2011 7:08:03 PM by Marvin_Bernstein
5. Richard (Dick Humplick) - added 7/22/2011 7:06:10 PM by Marvin_Bernstein