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Fresh Short - Thursday 2/10/2005 As a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. Sensing the onset of mortality (mine), his youthful concerns begin to fall by the wayside. He discards his long-cherished "present-based" ideals—freedom, the open road, infinite possibility—in favor of "future-based" objectives: my financial stability; my family; my career; my estate.
Well I'm here to tell you fellows you needn't trouble yourselves on my account any longer. That's because my immortality is now all but assured...and each of you is thus free to begin contemplating your own destiny; your own legacy.
For on the afternoon of January 23, 2005—at 2:11pm to be precise—
I completed what must be considered the most prestigious human accomplishment of the last 100 years.
I have fashioned a wonderful sculpture, you see...
...from approximately 1.5 skeins of the world's finest felt! Author: Jon Matza
Avg. Rating: 4.27 (11 votes received)
Word Count: 140
Submitted: 1/28/2005 8:15:17 PM
Controversy Picks: 0User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/11/2005 10:42:27 AM - Jon Matza: (As I mistakenly just asked about a different short): could it be you're jealous of the narrator's prestigious accomplishment in crafts?
2/11/2005 1:08:06 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs: Maybe I'm just tired of surprise endings. This one just seemed so cliche.
2/10/2005 7:17:43 PM - mona munt: Klar, leider. Klar.
2/10/2005 7:03:47 PM - Phony Millions: Fraulein Munt, 'Der Verkaufer' versteht unsere Verbintnis nicht. Bis bald, susse Maus...
2/10/2005 4:32:24 PM - From Author: qc is, as always, correct...I looked up skein when I wrote this, saw it wasn't quite right but decided it was too valuable to sacrifice (and if pressed figured I'd argue he was using long, spooled, yarn-like strips of felt, or, as suggested, he was just a moron). While I admit I knew there existed a correct word for rolled up sheets of fabric, but couldn't remember it/be bothered to look it up, had I done so (I swear) I still would've stuck with skeins. Bolt just doesn't seem as "humorous". Cube: the first sentence/graf just substitutes 'my' for 'his', so that instead of the expected cliche-generalizations about men & their legacies this guy's actually claiming all men are concerned with his own personal legacy.
2/10/2005 2:17:35 PM - TheBuyer: Giveten unt resten, doucheburg.
2/10/2005 1:56:01 PM - mona munt: Herr Evans, letze Nacht habe ich dich nicht gesehen. Besuch mich doch mal.
2/10/2005 1:42:49 PM - Mr. Pony ( ): I agree with qualcomm's clarification of my original point. I think I could have give this a five if I had been ever-so-slightly more convinced of the narrator's honestly unselfconscious egocentric world view.
2/10/2005 1:35:24 PM - mona munt: Ich, allein, bin nicht überrascht.
2/10/2005 1:27:43 PM - Phony Millions: Yeah, the words like 'prestigious' give it a little whiff of satire on top of the silliness.
2/10/2005 1:16:24 PM - qualcomm: i have a feeling the author sort of knew he was misusing the word, but didn't give a shit, as it would only further the narrator's idiocy. flonase use of "prestigious."
2/10/2005 1:10:04 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: I'm surprised that folks think that skein thing was purposeful. What purpose does it serve really? In any case, I agree, Slocum, that it doesn't really matter.
2/10/2005 1:06:59 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): I was just about to correct the skeins ERROR, but see that strifenblob has already done so.
2/10/2005 12:32:58 PM - The Rid: Streif: I, for one, find nothing wrong with threeing a short that's been fived a lot. That said, this short's awesomeness demands five. It's funny, ridiculous, arrogant and mercifully stays away from dick jokes. A winner. Personally, I think the skein/bolt thing was a purposeful goof.
2/10/2005 12:19:32 PM - John Slocum (): Streifenbeuchelachtung: this short is bonus because of a mix of grand theme language (legacy, mortality, family, human accomplishment, etc.) with a totally mundane payoff (felt sculpture). Not much more complicated than that as I'm sure you understand. The skein/bolt thing, to slocumreichenfurstendachs, is a little irrelevant, possibly purposeful, possibly a factual error, but if the author had gotten it right (if it was a mistake) I don't think it would have made much impact on slocumlichtenfreudenlich's opinion of the short. It's dense, complex and elegantly wrought.
2/10/2005 12:18:21 PM - Dylan Danko (): (no comment)
2/10/2005 12:01:57 PM - qualcomm (): (no comment)
2/10/2005 11:58:41 AM - Ewan Snow: Yeah, me too. The first sentence rocks.
2/10/2005 11:53:00 AM - Mr. Pony: I love the first sentence. I was actually looking forward to this short after having seen the first sentence in the queue, and I don't usually do that.
2/10/2005 11:51:59 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs: Upon reread, I'm seriously confused as to how this rated so many fives. Not because of the skein thing, either - it's just not that great of a short.
2/10/2005 11:46:44 AM - Litcube: I'm trying to figure out the first sentence.
2/10/2005 11:39:38 AM - TheBuyer: Not my style, Shirtless Steve. God, can I please call you that, it's so rad.
2/10/2005 11:32:43 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs (): The skeins thing didn't agree with me. Mistaking skeins for bolts (I did know the difference before this short, having grown up in a craft-y family) is like mistaking an automobile's engine for its transmission. Normally I would forgive this without batting an eye, but the punchline was bolded, italicized, and was designed to stand out. It stood out, alright. Also not fiving this because I didn't find it that funny. The other italicized line was overdone. First two paras were good, though. P.S. this isn't a Matza short, I don't think. I suspect TheBuyer, personally.
2/10/2005 11:32:10 AM - TheBuyer ():
2/10/2005 10:46:07 AM - Mr. Pony: That's right, sculptural sewing.
2/10/2005 10:45:32 AM - Mr. Pony: As for your second question, I think that this is exactly the same mistake a character such as this would make, were he written by Matza. Also, it's the same sort of mistake the rest of you stupidheads would make, as writers.
2/10/2005 10:41:49 AM - Mr. Pony: I thought (based on my admittedly limited experience in sculptural sewing and felt construction), and then, being a conscientious and detail-oriented individual, verified my suspicions by asking the Internet. Furthermore, how dare you?
2/10/2005 10:32:23 AM - Ewan Snow: Added to which, why would Matza (or anybody) do that on purpose?
2/10/2005 10:31:41 AM - Ewan Snow: You "thought" Pony, or did you just look it up? Be honest.
2/10/2005 10:22:43 AM - Mr. Pony: I thought skeins were for cord or yarn. Felt would probably be measured by the bolt. If this is Matza, I would assume the mistake to be intentional. The rest of you fuck-ups are total dummies, and probably got it wrong.
2/10/2005 10:19:02 AM - cuntry (): ok, i'll admit that i don't even know what skeins are and i'm 5-ing this for sheer reading pleasure. i will now go improve my vocabulary...
2/10/2005 9:43:55 AM - The Rid (): My legacy means nothing.
2/10/2005 9:39:37 AM - Ewan Snow (): Yeah, this has economy of means and packs a punch. 4.x rounded up out of a love for my fellow man (and concern, needed or not, for his legacy).
2/10/2005 6:58:30 AM - Phony Millions (): This has a wacky Matza-ish vibe. Loved it unapologetically.  Mail this to a friend!
Fresh Short - Wednesday 9/28/2005I have notions about myself which you may find ridiculous, but I don’t think you should dismiss them out of hand. For instance, my spontaneity is personality-critical for me. I just stand up and go for it. That’s who I am and how I see myself. Now you may notice me sitting around in my underwear watching daytime TV, but what you see is but the shadow of my spirit which can be crudely projected against this dull apartment of yours. I exist on a higher plane, and you shouldn’t just assume, because I drank the last of your beer, that I’m some kind of beer drinking guy who just mopes around. I recall my childhood, and still dream of a late night drive down the strip of some three point five horse town. I’m curled up in the back seat as it starts to rain, watching the reflection of a yellow neon sign race across a wet black windshield. Tail lights bleared across the sky. Street lamps looming to the horizon. There is a humanity in all of this. A lost innocence which has no place in the same conversation as a discussion of what happened to your stamp collection or did I mail some letters.
And that’s why I’ve come to you with my decision. I have decided to become god. Not God with a capital G, that’s absurd. Although, I should point out, not just a god, but “god”, singular, the only god. That’s right, I am going to become the one and only god, but with a lower case g and I’m keeping my maiden name, at least for paperwork. But I need your support on this. I know you wanted to ask me about the clogged toilet and the turd in the sink, but now is a time for quiet revelation. Where moonbeams dare dance a distant poignancy. Here walks a brutal soldier, deemed wise enough to encamp the night. And there among the padded way strides a prophet, whose bold predictions describe my greatness. And it is written, or will be, if you let me log on to your laptop.
Author: Ewan Snow
Avg. Rating: 4.33 (3 votes received)
Word Count: 356
Submitted: 9/26/2005 8:05:19 PM
Controversy Picks: 0
[view the betvite.com bet for this Short]User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
9/30/2005 1:02:22 PM - John Slocum: I loved the latter half of the second paragraph. The 'god' part lost a little steam and the turd part didn't quite fit (for this guy) with the less scatalogical ground touchings. Snow(Slocum addresses Snow directly): you used bad judgement with the turd. But 'maiden name' launched the short forward again and it reached a screaming crescendo with the jolting use of laptop (and the cruc 'white' use of 'log' was terrific) following the previous several sentences starting with 'quiet revelation.' Thank you.
9/28/2005 4:50:37 PM - John Slocum (): This is ripe.
9/28/2005 3:14:33 PM - Klause Muppet (): Love the first graf.
9/28/2005 12:56:31 PM - Ewan Snow (): Love the last graf.
9/28/2005 12:33:10 PM - Klause Muppet: i agree, wd
9/28/2005 11:55:59 AM - Will Disney: i agree, qc.
9/28/2005 11:02:04 AM - qualcomm (): i think this should have ended with graf 1 Mail this to a friend!
Fresh Short - Tuesday 3/23/2010[warning: this short is longer than 500 words] *
I tapped a Capri menthol ultralight 120 on my Maybelline Cherry Latte thumbnail, then lit it with my hot pink Classic Zippo. My Victoria's Secret Peek-a-Boo V-string thong was chafing my freshly waxed labia majora. And that was all that happened, or ever would, or could, or even be wished to occur.
*
On an entirely typical Tuesday, Cloture Semigloss put on his vestments and began the process of creating life from lifelessness, which he liked to call “fucking”. His wife, Motion, lay lifeless on the posturepedic while he ground away until she crossed her crisis – which she felt was an overblown term and thought of more as “her inconvenience” – at which point her id wandered out of her loins and she remembered why her marriage was one of convenience.
She picked up the silver mirror. Cloture watched her watching herself. He wondered how she saw herself. Was it self loathing and neuroses? Or was it vanity? Her poker face didn't hide her obsession, just its nature, its source, its details. But there was an unmistakable tension, an aggressive edge that he sometimes felt as an electric field in his gums, the aftertaste of fear-induced adrenalin shock.
“Well, how's it look?” he asked.
“Like a well-fucked pussy,” she said.
“Does it look pregnant?”
“Not yet.”
“Does it need another go?”
“Nah, it's probably good for now. Needs to, uh, germinate or something.”
“I'll go get the watering can.”
*
Catullus #63 – Acme Easy Reader Edition
Attis beached his boat in Phrygia, totally psyched to lop off his cock with this ceremonial obsidian blade he'd picked back in civilization. Man, Cybele would be so fucking thankful for this one. He'd be totally set. He pinched his glans between thumb and index, then with slow, hacking, excruciating jabs, he chopped of his manhood and let it fall to the ground, staining it with blood. He (now “she”) looked around to see if Cybele had shown up to thank her, but no such luck. Maybe I better dance around with a tamborine, that goddess loves that shit, she thought. So she danced around in an ecstatic fury, cockless, singing hymns in a high-pitched trance, beating the goat skin drum and bells which she'd thankfully remembered to pack.
Night fell and the dark wood encroached with lonely shadows. The cold and wild wasteland offered no comfort, no refuge. As the moon rose, she threw her emasculated body with ever more ecstatic fury toward the rites of Cybele.
“O-- only to gladden you, Cybele, and in hatred of Venus, have I done this to myseld, de-weinered and prostrate before your glory,” she cried.
But as the night wore on and Cybele gave no sign, Attis grew weary and began to doubt. She looked upon her scabby cock-stump and wept.
“What have I done to myself? How could I give so much to an ungrateful goddess? Alone and unprotected on this wild foreign shore, unsheltered and at the mercy of the wild beasts and ravages of weather, I chant the rites of Cybele to no effect, unheard. And what's worse, I cut my cock off! O-- I curse that goddess, I wish I had never done such a foolish thing!”
Well that got the goddess's attention. That bitch Cybele was not so impressed by another cock lopped off in her honor, but at the sound of its repudiation she grew furious.
And loosing the harness on her twin lions, she commanded, “Go, beasts! Lash your backs with your tails in furious chase. Make it so this girl who wishes she were still a man, who galls to retract her dedication, suffers sevenfold for her insolence. Dig your fearsome claws into her flesh and gnaw her bones to splinters.”
Advancing with roars and flashes of bristled manes in the moonlight, the beasts gave chase to the terrified girl, from the white foam of the shore into the darkness of the wild wood. And there she ran, a slave to that goddess, pursued and caught, mauled and toyed with by the relentless maws of her pitiless pride, released and chased again endlessly, for the rest of her life.
So anyway, Cybele, stay away from me. Make other guys chop their cocks off, chase others with your lions. Leave me out of it! Author: Ewan Snow
Avg. Rating: 5 (3 votes received)
Word Count: 718
Submitted: 3/19/2010 11:44:15 AM
Controversy Picks: 0User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
4/25/2010 11:12:56 AM - Marvin_Bernstein: Well you know. That's just the association I get from this short Master. I am all giddy with the idea and images of Fergie and queen Latifah smearing themselves in avon (or is it maybeline?) and getting all hot and bothered. That said: Man that Jessica. I like the part cow look she's got. Call her bessie and put on that bell. Moooo!
I am still suspicious part of this essay below was lifted from a readers digest a while back. I would like to see your references and I will have a disciplinary meeting with you later.
4/25/2010 11:12:52 AM - Marvin_Bernstein: Well you know. That's just the association I get from this short Master. I am all giddy with the idea and images of Fergie and queen Latifah smearing themselves in avon (or is it maybeline?) and getting all hot and bothered. That said: Man that Jessica. I like the part cow look she's got. Call her bessie and put on that bell. Moooo!
I am still suspicious part of this essay below was lifted from a readers digest a while back. I would like to see your references and I will have a disciplinary meeting with you later.
4/17/2010 3:58:22 AM - Master Bates (): I will agree that this is a keeper and a damn fine short, Snowman, and I am also distracticated by Jessica Simpson's anus as well, Marvin. Although that has nothing to do with the short, I think her popstar anus needs to be addressed. Seriously.
4/15/2010 7:57:16 PM - Marvin_Bernstein: oh that's erotica...good ol fashion erotic art my friend
4/14/2010 9:46:52 AM - Jon Matza (): Enjoyed all of these...Catullus one prtclrly Velamint. Cybele is based on "American Woman" by the Guess Who if I'm not mistaken.
3/26/2010 8:26:36 PM - Marvin_Bernstein (): Jessica simpson? I want her anus too
3/23/2010 8:14:42 PM - From Author: First of all, this short is still anonymous, so I have no idea what conversation you are referring to, as I'm probably not even the same person! Second -- and I'm speaking purely hypothetically -- if I did say that they were unrelated, I also qualified it with, "at least not intentionally." But your considerable powers of pop-psychology and literary sleuthing have bested my shallow lack of self-knowledge. The grouping of these three shorts, which I had assumed was random, is now all too garishly clear. The "freshly waxed labia" from the first short, the "well-fucked pussy" from the second short and the "scabby cock-stump" from the third are one and the same. Not that that proves anything anyway.
3/23/2010 1:25:37 PM - qualcomm: i thought you said these weren't tied together by a common theme. it's clear that you and jimson have decided to procreate again, and you feel emasculated by the process. Mail this to a friend!
Top Rated Shorts:1. Penny Pulaski - published 3/18/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 2. Kofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. - published 9/28/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 3. Slopcloth - published 3/1/2004 by Phony Millions - Avg. Rating 4. Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. - published 10/27/2004 by Jon Matza - Avg. Rating 5. Grand Unified Theory - published 11/8/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating
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