SUBMIT A GUEST SHORT

[warning: this short is longer than 500 words]

Check it out, someone is coming at you. He is riding a most excellent BMX bike. The rider pedals with a timeless, elegant, not to mention jumbo lumpish, beauty. He does not wear a helmet. He doesn't have to. Pretty soon you will see why.

The figure skids to a really cool stop right in front of you. Through the atmospheric dust cloud you see the guy totally wink and flash a killer smile.

"Hi!"

It's James Madison, fourth president of the united States of America, co-author of the federalist papers and central architect of the constitution, the longest running exemplar of self-governance in human history. He doesn't need to wear a helmet. They are gay and not cool.

"I'm James Madison, world class radical BMX racer, epic stunt puller and fourth president of the United States of America," he says, and you are like whoa.

"I've accomplished a lot in my career," he says squinting into the sun, cool. "Bunny hopped over three and a half anti-Federalists. Check. Pulled a Stinky Fernandez off of the front lip. Totes check. No handed backward donkey flip. Epic totes check."

He runs his hand through his wig and starts bouncing on his pegs. He's getting all serious.

"But there's one trick that I would never attempt. By now I guess you know what that is."

He's totally talking about the parchment barrier.

"I'm talking about the parchment barrier."

Knew it, knew it!

"If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times," says James Madison only the radicalest of radical riders, "men are not angels, although when I am soaring through the sky catching righteous air I could understand why you would confuse me with one. So we can not trust them to be stewards of our freedom, no sooner than we would trust the fox with the hen house.

'But what about the Bill of Rights James Madison?' Yeah right. Like that's one bill a tyrannous majority or unfettered centralized national government is totally going to pay. NOT!

It may be tempting to try to bunny hop the parchment barrier. You may want to post the clip on Youtube so all your enlightened brohams can check out your skill set. But trust me, it's not worth it. You are asking for a rag dolly, fourscoreandsevenbrosago. Once we start bunny hopping the parchment barrier we risk making our precious liberties (and take my word for it broasaurus rex, they are most precious) susceptible to any among us who would pursue their wicked project at the expense of the aggregate interest. Or the next King who would take the document where those rights are enshrined and dispose of them forthwith. We have to guard against the cabals of a few as much as we do against the confusion of the multitude. Tyranny or anarchy, pick your poison broheemers.

I'm not messing with you. You think some piece of paper can do that? Get real. You are your government, broslams, be vigilant. Don't be a bunch of cockrotters, dude, don't. Seriously. Democracy is like a building constantly under careful construction, centuries to build and moments to crumble.

And remember, just because I don't wear a brain bucket doesn't mean you shouldn't. Think about it. All right I'm going to jet. Need a major mud-ectomy."

James Madison climbs back on to his 2008 Verde Radia. It has a 33 tooth chainring. He is doing an awesome endo. That's a totes epic win I think we can all, you know, be into.

BTW You probably thought he would ride a Verde Theory. Well you would be wrong. But whateves.

WHAT!

EVS!

Author: scoop

Avg. Rating: 4.7 (5 votes received)
Word Count: 606
Submitted: 11/3/2009 1:12:21 AM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/1/2010 9:15:06 PM - Mylittlepony (): best work ever
11/10/2009 12:02:35 PM - Master Bates (): righteous. bro. what. ev!
11/10/2009 11:51:52 AM - scoop: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/36/James_madison-Age82-Edit1.jpg
11/9/2009 7:57:39 PM - Eliza: What?
11/9/2009 7:57:34 PM - scoop: Eliza: Is it okay with you, Eliza, that Michiko Kakutani has a significant influence on our cultural life?
11/9/2009 7:50:29 PM - Eliza: Is that okay with you?
11/9/2009 7:50:23 PM - scoop: Eliza: Did you know that given the shape of Vladimir Nabokov’s own life, it’s hardly surprising that death — and its cousin loss — permeated his fiction like a potent but noxious perfume?
11/6/2009 8:43:14 PM - scoop: Only if you are, like, a TOTAL FAG, Matza. As for the Great Helmet Compromise: there's a bit of a shot at the strict constructionists there. Those guys are always like, oh, oh the Founding Father's are like totally right. But those guys were constantly arguing on matters of theory and practice. And even Madison himself, when he wasn't doing peg hoppy-fakies on his killer bike, went back and forth on what the proper scope and scale of the new government should be. I mean he was a arrogant hot shot when he wrote the Federalist Papers, and he was humbled and chastened by materially occupying the theoretical edifice he helped construct. So even though Madison doesn't wear a helmet or does own slaves doesn't mean we should. Times change. Technology advances. Although I'm confident Madison wouldn't be on Facebook.
11/6/2009 7:24:51 PM - Jon Matza (): Re parchment barrier: am I right in supposing one pronounces it 'parche-mont' in a French accent? Awethr?
11/4/2009 12:19:05 PM - qualcomm: actually, on closer examination, madison doesn't say i should wear a helmet. he says i shouldn't necessarily not wear one. big difference. typically, he's embedded a fair amount of flexibility into his language.
11/4/2009 12:17:07 PM - qualcomm: i'm confused. the narrator says that helmets are gay and not cool, but madison says we should wear one, even though he doesn't. what would a strict constructionist do?
11/3/2009 3:57:37 PM - Litcube (): I so lol'd all over the place at this short's ending! Enjoyed the tone in the first half, and I was longing for Madison's tone prior to him getting all serious. Still, that's my problem. I hope for more President shorts.
11/3/2009 9:22:13 AM - TheBuyer (): he's no Andrew Jackson but still pretty badass, bro.

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