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Users Online: 1 © 2010 AcmeShorts Updated: 8/29/2005
Current Quarter: Q4FY10
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Fresh Short Collins carefully rubbed the stone tablet with cotton pads dipped in alcohol. Nothing. The Englishman was conscious of a hollow feeling in his stomach. But wait...could it be? As he continued to rub and the centuries of caked-on soot and dust gradually wore off--yes, there they were!--ancient hieroglyphs slowly were beginning to emerge!
“Can you understand it? Is it a prayer? A warning?” Billings’ eager voice jolted Collins out of his reverie. “I can see that it’s something about the creation-”
“All in time, James…let’s get the bugger cleaned off properly first, shall we? There’s plenty of time to play professor later.” Collins was damned if he was going to be hurried through this moment of triumph by his junior colleague, and his voice conveyed a hint of stern rebuke at his assistant’s lack of composure. Yet something was troubling him. Thanks to twelve years of study at the University Collins was as fluent in Ancient Egyptian as any man alive, and the meaning of the pictograms was all too clear:
“Ra said ‘let it be partly sunny’
So he stuck his finger up Isis’ cunny;
It smelt of camphor, cloves and honey
Mark ye well, who reads this papyrus:
Horus set off to embugger Osiris
Didn't wear a Raamses and gave him the virus.
And Imenhotep says he thinks
That east of Thebes he saw the Sphinx
Giving a reacharound to Jar Jar Binks.”
Author: Jon Matza
Avg. Rating: 4.33 (3 votes received)
Word Count: 235
Controversy Picks: 0User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
11/1/2004 1:35:33 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs ( ): -1 for the labored rhyming. +1 for 'embugger'.
4/27/2004 12:23:03 AM - Ferucio P. Chhretan: Yes, maybe that's it.
4/26/2004 11:30:38 PM - Mr. Pony: Perhaps it's a transcript.
4/26/2004 11:22:11 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan: Except that the rhyme says papyrus, but they're cleaning off a stone tablet.
I mean, I know it rhymes, but come on!!
4/26/2004 10:53:35 PM - John Slocum (): This is a Titan of a short.
4/12/2003 11:20:21 AM - Ewan Snow (): Good all around short. It has all the elements of humor: irreverence, surprise, and obscene ancient rhymed inscriptions.  Mail this to a friend!
Fresh Short - Tuesday 10/12/2004[warning: this short is longer than 500 words] Janet held the home pregnancy test strip in her smelly urine stream and prayed. If it came back pink, she'd be so happy. So very happy. If it could just be a girl. But no, that was counting chickens. First things first....
She rushed to the telephone and dialed Charles' office.
"Charles? Come home, honey! We have to celebrate! PINK! Yes, pink!"
25 minutes later, Charles burst through the front door, still wearing scrubs.
"Let me see that paper!" he said. Janet held it up proudly.
"No time to lose!" Charles cried.
***
The 3-month-old foetus slipped out of Janet's pussy almost too easily. Charles held its delicate head in the forceps, puckering his mouth appraisingly as he turned it left and right. A bubble of blood formed on the foetus' gill-slit.
"Let me see that little fucking baby!" Janet screamed in maternal ecstasy. "Is it a girl? Is it, Charles? Does it have a pussy?"
Charles adjusted his pince-nez and held the limp, froggish specimen up to the light.
"Well, since it's not really human at all, Janet, we can't really call it a pussy, now can we?"
He stuck his tongue out to lick the baby's proto-clit.
"Oh God, Charles, it makes my cunt so wet to end this little fucker's life and watch you lick its nonviable snatch. Fuck that foetus snatch, Charles! I want you to fuck that little bitch right in front of me!"
Charles placed the raw carcass down on the operating tray and took up a second pair of forceps. Grabbing one little flipper foot in each tong, he splayed what was basically the zygote's legs apart and shoved his beautiful plum bullet inside. It was all perfectly legal, and it felt really, really good on top of that. He looked down and admired how his daughter's tight-lidded, alien face formed a sort of figurehead to the prow of his massive frigate.
"Fuck my ass with that baby-condom, Charles, fuck it now!!"
Janet flipped over and stuck her gorgeous ass in the air, exposing her precious grocery maw. Charles took her hips in his hands and pushed his foetused cock against her quivering sphinc. The unborn child's head bent back between its own shoulder blades as Charles maneuvered his tumid engine inside Janet's tight asshole. The head popped off without a sound and tumbled across the floor like a baked crabapple.
It was more than either could bear. Charles creamed so hard the foetus' thorax ballooned out with his copious load and exploded. Janet felt his bloody goop ooze out of her ass as she jilled herself to completion.
***
They smoked cigarettes on the porch swing that evening and watched the meteor shower.
"I want to give you another baby," Janet cooed, nuzzling Charles' shoulder.
"It's not really a baby, honey, it's a foetus. And anyway, we really should quit smoking first." Author: qualcomm
Avg. Rating: 4.58 (12 votes received)
Word Count: 501
Submitted: 10/6/2004 12:12:51 PM
Controversy Picks: 0User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
3/7/2005 6:34:35 PM - deliciousbrains (): Til now, the Chuck Palahnuik (sp?) short story "Guts" held the top rank in my "Things I Wish I Could Unread" category. Here's your five fucking stars, you bastard.
12/5/2004 11:05:16 AM - anon_user_b: Agreed! But also don't you think qualcomm could have done better?
12/5/2004 12:29:18 AM - anon_user_c: this anonylith is great! no one will know how small our penises are! High five!
12/4/2004 11:54:39 PM - anon_user_a: Agreed!
12/4/2004 10:25:14 PM - anon_user_b: When writing this, qualcomm, I wish you had done better.
12/4/2004 7:08:27 PM - Jon Matza: Disney: please add a feature whereby authors and non-superuser guests (but definitely NOT superuser guests) can vote for "latest most subversive short". Next Tuesday ought to be just fine.
12/4/2004 5:02:53 PM - anon_user_a: qualcomm, this is not your best work.
12/4/2004 4:50:25 PM - qualcomm: jimson: yes.
scoop: no.
12/4/2004 4:45:38 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: Sheesh. Really, QC?
12/4/2004 4:42:25 PM - scoop: Wouldn't the most subversive short on the site not have a giant flashing neon (or other inert gas) sign over it reading: "Most Subversive Short on the Site" and a Willy Loman-like pitchman twisting his hat and swearing up and down that its subversive, and a little Runyonesque paper boy with a cap slanted on hsi head barking "Extry, Extry, Subversive Short read all about it!" Wouldn't it not?
12/4/2004 3:37:14 PM - Mr. Pony: "Correct," anon_user_a?
12/4/2004 3:36:56 PM - anon_user_a: In fact, this one is overrated.
12/4/2004 3:33:43 PM - anon_user_a: Probably her vote was correct.
12/4/2004 3:31:03 PM - qualcomm: i will destroy you
12/4/2004 3:24:51 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: I probably really low-balled this. I voted in the heat of the moment and my vote was, like, the flip side of the "Oh, Dude, this is so sick!" response cited below. It mostly seemed like a very well-wrought gimmick, but I just wasn't buying it. You shouldn't think about it too much, 'comm. I didn't. Besides, I still cry myself to sleep at night wishing I could write shorts as good as yours. Oh, the beauty....
12/4/2004 3:13:02 PM - anon_user_a: Sorry, qualcomm, but it's not very good.
12/4/2004 3:01:25 PM - qualcomm: yeah. the author of the most subversive short in the history of the world is, ironically, stepping out to support his local economy by purchasing a cup of coffee (the price for the beans of which were negotiated at fair-trade rates). when he comes back, he expects to see a comment regarding this piece, which is so packed with cultural baggage and portent, and has come to mean so much to so many people, that he will refer to it in the distant tone of someone who didn't even write it, since, in a way, he didn't; acme shorts did.
12/4/2004 2:52:25 PM - John Slocum: Jimberg, answer Qualcomm - THIS INSTANT!!
12/4/2004 2:51:39 PM - qualcomm: no, seriously, i'd like to hear your reasons, so i can try to convince you you're wrong. (unless said reasons are some surprising slant that will alert me to the worthlessness of this material, a possibility i righteously and agnostically allow. holy shit, i'm fair.) what i mean is: craft.
12/4/2004 2:47:56 PM - qualcomm: DO YOU??!
12/4/2004 1:06:52 PM - qualcomm: you just don't get it, do you, jimson?
12/4/2004 12:56:40 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum: Well, QC was angling for a reaction. That was my reaction.
12/4/2004 1:07:41 AM - John Slocum: ouch, Jimberg. Why?
12/3/2004 11:29:04 PM - qualcomm: i demand satisfaction
12/3/2004 7:55:42 PM - qualcomm: you got a lot of nerve, sorghum
12/3/2004 7:54:04 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): (no comment)
12/3/2004 12:25:57 PM - CrazyGuy: Well, okay, qualcomm. I'll take your word for it. I'm sorry if I overreacted, but I really find this sort of material to be offensive. Would you say that there is a problem with people on acmeshorts.com changing appropriate material into inappropriate material without the original author's knowledge? If so, please speak out about it.
12/3/2004 12:22:00 PM - qualcomm: oh my god! i'm so sorry, but we have a lot of pranksters on this site, and one of them must have gone in and changed what used to be my wholesome, pro-life short into this trash. i'm the only person of faith on this site, and the guys give me a hard time over it with jokes like this. here, this short i wrote is still untouched, and i think it represents my more mainstream tastes, crazyguy. (hey, do you watch 'golden girls'? i love that show!)
12/3/2004 12:15:13 PM - CrazyGuy: DISGUSTING!!! I REFUSE TO FINISH READING THIS GARBAGE!!! QUALCOMM, YOU ARE A BAD, BAD PERSON.
10/19/2004 12:58:20 AM - Jon Matza: Come on, I've given plenty of five to shorts that were universally fived. The truth is, I didn't actually enjoy it, the experience of reading it, all that much, with the exception of a few jokes as specified. So stop Yurndting me.
10/17/2004 5:37:08 PM - Joseph Yurndt: This is beneath contempt.
10/14/2004 10:57:20 AM - qualcomm: you're right, matza, the 'author' isn't a clear-cut pro-lifer, because this short is far too complex to offer such easy answers. i think you gave this a four out of iconoclasm - you saw all those fives lined up, and decided that everyone had experienced it on a sophomoric, "Aw, dude, that's so SICK" level, and rewarded it reflexively. this rankled your chancre. in a vacuum, you'd have given this a five. search your heart, you know it to be true. thank you.
10/13/2004 5:03:54 PM - Jon Matza: i.e., your short
10/13/2004 4:59:49 PM - qualcomm: whuzat? what'd i write?
10/13/2004 4:54:13 PM - Jon Matza: OSS--that's what I meant. I don't think even the 'author' here is a clear cut pro-lifer. (If you disagree, it just means you don't fully understand what you wrote).
10/13/2004 3:41:00 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan (): Everything Scoop wrote about Pony's appetites is completely true.
10/13/2004 3:02:03 PM - scoop: teencervicalmucus.com
10/13/2004 2:09:40 PM - TheBuyer: Ooo try fondu, it's friggin amazing. Nothin says 'fuck you' like fondu.
10/13/2004 1:50:51 PM - scoop: Hey, TheBuyer, your going to make Pony's tummy grumble by that lucious display of tender tastee babee treats. It's almost lunch time and Pony loves eating aborted remnants. Sometimes he mixes them in a goulash, otehr times he just snacks on the little frog legs a la mode. It's his way of saying fuck you to the fetus.
10/13/2004 1:19:17 PM - qualcomm: no, pony said the "author" was pro-life
10/13/2004 12:56:58 PM - Jon Matza: RE smoking: ah, I see. And I agree the short succeeds at being disgusting, though as I said merely disgusting does not necessarily equal a triumph or interesting--'least not to (smugly pointing both thumbs towards self) THIS reader. Also, while I agree it comes across like a fevered pro-lifer fantasy I think calling the author's stance "decidedly pro-life" may be a bit presumptuous (i.e., saucy).
10/13/2004 12:39:26 PM - TheBuyer: Democrat
10/13/2004 12:37:51 PM - qualcomm: fœtus
10/13/2004 12:32:54 PM - Mr. Pony: Fetus. Furthermore, zygote.
10/13/2004 12:18:16 PM - qualcomm: foetus
10/13/2004 12:17:31 PM - qualcomm: yes, it was intentional, pony, and i thank you for your support.
10/13/2004 12:14:52 PM - Mr. Pony: I read the smoking thing as a dry little joke between the couple. Despite the fact that the short was trying so hard to be transgressively unpleasant, it was, in fact, one of the most disgusting things I've ever read. I also thought the "author's" decidedly pro-life stance was funny. Reminded me of that anti-abortion jerkoff you see sometimes in Times Square, sitting behind a bizarrely red and white picnic-checkered tableclothed stand, with big laminated posters of aborted fetuses, essentially telling people that they shouldn't have abortions because it's gross. The short takes an already extreme argument to an extremer (and retardeder) conclusion. Intentional or not, this little political bit pushed it up to a five for me.
10/13/2004 11:53:24 AM - Jon Matza: That's the thing--for me the 'trying too hard to shock' quality made it a bit N-R (tiresome). In the end I found it more unpleasant than shocking, though was amused by how gleefully and knowingly unpleasant. To me the unexpected language usages & shifts in tone and plot employed by Mr. Sausage in many of his other shorts--recent kofi annan one, for instance--are more shocking (and in a more interesting way). Now I admit to having "penned" calculatedly transgressive shorts myself, but would justify them as generally tempered somewhat by silliness, surrealism or some other angle than mere 'sick' subject matter (this short has such moments I admit, but not enough for me to consider it vanilla essence.) Also was a bit confused by ending...why would they worry about the effect of smoking on the baby? I mean I guess the joke is how utterly preposterous this is given what's preceded it...but--and I hope my raw honesty will not startle anyone--I found this contradiction to be jarring. On the other hand 'grocery maw' & the 'pince nez' gag were undeniably nutmeat.
10/13/2004 2:33:03 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs: Well, it is without question shocking for shock's sake, but it does achieve its goal beautifully...
10/13/2004 2:28:57 AM - scoop: I think the whole "shocking for shocks sake" type argument is neutralized by the fact that this short is blunted with a playfully corny punchline -- a conspicuously harmless one at that. So let's not start with all that business.
10/13/2004 1:03:16 AM - Litcube: Pony: Because OSS was very successful in accomplishing his goal.
10/13/2004 12:20:52 AM - qualcomm: well, that was kind of the point. it was "trying too hard to shock". not that you shouldn't deduct a star for that anyway, but i just don't want folks to think ol' summer lerpa wasn't cogniscent.
10/13/2004 12:16:56 AM - Streifenbeuteldachs: In retrospect, and after re-reading, I should have dropped a star. It's simply trying too hard to shock.
10/12/2004 9:30:34 PM - Benny Maniacs (): I laughed through vomit and then kept on laughing because I was puking.
10/12/2004 8:12:38 PM - The Rid (): I ordered food before I read this and now I really, REALLY regret it.
10/12/2004 6:13:28 PM - Jon Matza: ok...am at work but will try to formulate in the next 12 hrs
10/12/2004 6:08:24 PM - From Author: Well I for one would like to hear (read: read) your objections!
10/12/2004 6:03:57 PM - Jon Matza (): Sorry, boys...some balsa verbiage here but certain aesthetic objections leave me with no choice but to savagely cornhole your perfect score with my massive frigate.
10/12/2004 5:51:12 PM - Mr. Pony: Why not? I mean, why?
10/12/2004 5:50:03 PM - Litcube (): I can't not 5 this.
10/12/2004 5:08:45 PM - Dick Vomit: This is still the total gnarls, dudes.
10/12/2004 4:51:05 PM - TheBuyer: Also pro-lung/anti-cancer sites. This short could be a catchall psa for everything from gestation-arrest to AIDs awareness through pre-natal licking.
10/12/2004 4:19:39 PM - scoop: I bet there are are some pro-abortion websites who would appreciate a link to this short. Did I say pro-abortion"? Sorry I meant "pro-choice.," ;)
10/12/2004 3:18:01 PM - Dylan Danko: Oh, Scoop!
10/12/2004 3:17:26 PM - Mr. Pony: I bet there are some Anti-Abortion web sites who would really appreciate a link to this story.
10/12/2004 3:16:28 PM - TheBuyer: what do you mean, offensive enough to be declared illegal and censored?
10/12/2004 3:11:53 PM - scoop: Ah, I don't think it went far enough, but I relaize the author is a little squeamish about certain things which would have really made this thing what it could have been.
10/12/2004 3:08:23 PM - TheBuyer: it's like some kind of anti-abortion fever nightmare, I can't get this revolting thing out of my head.
10/12/2004 3:02:52 PM - Will Disney: I think we've found our Sensitivity Award recipient for 2004.
10/12/2004 2:47:49 PM - Dylan Danko (): I think I've seen the face of evil.
10/12/2004 12:51:35 PM - Streifenbeuteldachs (): My god I laughed so hard. As soon as I thought it couldn't get any further, further it went. "baby-condom". LOL.
10/12/2004 11:39:09 AM - TheBuyer (): I really, really, hate these horrible people in this short; I'm sickened by them. Excellent job, author!
10/12/2004 10:54:27 AM - qualcomm (): "puckering his mouth appraisingly as he turned it left and right"
10/12/2004 10:48:54 AM - Mr. Pony (): Boy, that's epic! Some key developmental terminology errors stand out because of the pentultimate joke, but MAN. I was surprised by my reaction to this. Dear author, you are super-gross.
10/12/2004 10:28:12 AM - Dick Vomit: Dudes, this is the gnarls.
10/12/2004 9:22:31 AM - scoop (): I almost cried I was so moved by this O. Henry-like tale of sacrifice and dedication. Mail this to a friend!
Fresh Short - Tuesday 11/3/2009[warning: this short is longer than 500 words] Check it out, someone is coming at you. He is riding a most excellent BMX bike. The rider pedals with a timeless, elegant, not to mention jumbo lumpish, beauty. He does not wear a helmet. He doesn't have to. Pretty soon you will see why.
The figure skids to a really cool stop right in front of you. Through the atmospheric dust cloud you see the guy totally wink and flash a killer smile.
"Hi!"
It's James Madison, fourth president of the united States of America, co-author of the federalist papers and central architect of the constitution, the longest running exemplar of self-governance in human history. He doesn't need to wear a helmet. They are gay and not cool.
"I'm James Madison, world class radical BMX racer, epic stunt puller and fourth president of the United States of America," he says, and you are like whoa.
"I've accomplished a lot in my career," he says squinting into the sun, cool. "Bunny hopped over three and a half anti-Federalists. Check. Pulled a Stinky Fernandez off of the front lip. Totes check. No handed backward donkey flip. Epic totes check."
He runs his hand through his wig and starts bouncing on his pegs. He's getting all serious.
"But there's one trick that I would never attempt. By now I guess you know what that is."
He's totally talking about the parchment barrier.
"I'm talking about the parchment barrier."
Knew it, knew it!
"If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times," says James Madison only the radicalest of radical riders, "men are not angels, although when I am soaring through the sky catching righteous air I could understand why you would confuse me with one. So we can not trust them to be stewards of our freedom, no sooner than we would trust the fox with the hen house.
'But what about the Bill of Rights James Madison?' Yeah right. Like that's one bill a tyrannous majority or unfettered centralized national government is totally going to pay. NOT!
It may be tempting to try to bunny hop the parchment barrier. You may want to post the clip on Youtube so all your enlightened brohams can check out your skill set. But trust me, it's not worth it. You are asking for a rag dolly, fourscoreandsevenbrosago. Once we start bunny hopping the parchment barrier we risk making our precious liberties (and take my word for it broasaurus rex, they are most precious) susceptible to any among us who would pursue their wicked project at the expense of the aggregate interest. Or the next King who would take the document where those rights are enshrined and dispose of them forthwith. We have to guard against the cabals of a few as much as we do against the confusion of the multitude. Tyranny or anarchy, pick your poison broheemers.
I'm not messing with you. You think some piece of paper can do that? Get real. You are your government, broslams, be vigilant. Don't be a bunch of cockrotters, dude, don't. Seriously. Democracy is like a building constantly under careful construction, centuries to build and moments to crumble.
And remember, just because I don't wear a brain bucket doesn't mean you shouldn't. Think about it. All right I'm going to jet. Need a major mud-ectomy."
James Madison climbs back on to his 2008 Verde Radia. It has a 33 tooth chainring. He is doing an awesome endo. That's a totes epic win I think we can all, you know, be into.
BTW You probably thought he would ride a Verde Theory. Well you would be wrong. But whateves.
WHAT!
EVS! Author: scoop
Avg. Rating: 4.7 (5 votes received)
Word Count: 606
Submitted: 11/3/2009 1:12:21 AM
Controversy Picks: 0User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/1/2010 9:15:06 PM - Mylittlepony (): best work ever
11/10/2009 12:02:35 PM - Master Bates (): righteous. bro. what. ev!
11/10/2009 11:51:52 AM - scoop: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/36/James_madison-Age82-Edit1.jpg
11/9/2009 7:57:39 PM - Eliza: What?
11/9/2009 7:57:34 PM - scoop: Eliza: Is it okay with you, Eliza, that Michiko Kakutani has a significant influence on our cultural life?
11/9/2009 7:50:29 PM - Eliza: Is that okay with you?
11/9/2009 7:50:23 PM - scoop: Eliza: Did you know that given the shape of Vladimir Nabokov’s own life, it’s hardly surprising that death — and its cousin loss — permeated his fiction like a potent but noxious perfume?
11/6/2009 8:43:14 PM - scoop: Only if you are, like, a TOTAL FAG, Matza. As for the Great Helmet Compromise: there's a bit of a shot at the strict constructionists there. Those guys are always like, oh, oh the Founding Father's are like totally right. But those guys were constantly arguing on matters of theory and practice. And even Madison himself, when he wasn't doing peg hoppy-fakies on his killer bike, went back and forth on what the proper scope and scale of the new government should be. I mean he was a arrogant hot shot when he wrote the Federalist Papers, and he was humbled and chastened by materially occupying the theoretical edifice he helped construct. So even though Madison doesn't wear a helmet or does own slaves doesn't mean we should. Times change. Technology advances. Although I'm confident Madison wouldn't be on Facebook.
11/6/2009 7:24:51 PM - Jon Matza ( ): Re parchment barrier: am I right in supposing one pronounces it 'parche-mont' in a French accent? Awethr?
11/4/2009 12:19:05 PM - qualcomm: actually, on closer examination, madison doesn't say i should wear a helmet. he says i shouldn't necessarily not wear one. big difference. typically, he's embedded a fair amount of flexibility into his language.
11/4/2009 12:17:07 PM - qualcomm: i'm confused. the narrator says that helmets are gay and not cool, but madison says we should wear one, even though he doesn't. what would a strict constructionist do?
11/3/2009 3:57:37 PM - Litcube (): I so lol'd all over the place at this short's ending! Enjoyed the tone in the first half, and I was longing for Madison's tone prior to him getting all serious. Still, that's my problem.
I hope for more President shorts.
11/3/2009 9:22:13 AM - TheBuyer (): he's no Andrew Jackson but still pretty badass, bro. Mail this to a friend!
Top Rated Shorts:1. Penny Pulaski - published 3/18/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 2. I had been lubricating with iodine-125 and I think my wife’s vagina was degrading. - published 5/14/2004 by John Slocum - Avg. Rating 3. Kofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. - published 9/28/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 4. Slopcloth - published 3/1/2004 by Phony Millions - Avg. Rating 5. Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. - published 10/27/2004 by Jon Matza - Avg. Rating
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