Have you got something to say? Feel free to say it to us!
Here's a selection of reader comments from our "mailbag".
Scoop's Feelings
Dear Mr. Will H. Disney,
As you may have already noticed, in lieu of the more acceptable and fraternal "f u," qualcomm used the words, and I hesitate to write them in full here due to their hurtful nature, but will for the sake of accuracy, "fuck you" in regards to a short I wrote with the first line "You are not a winner." In short, he attacked me simply for writing a short for your wonderful website. It seems clear given his harsh language, qualcomm intended with conscious objective to cause me pain in his use of those words. Especially, I must add, in lieu of the longstanding tradition of using "f u" as a stand in for actual mean spirited words that I reluctantly quoted qualcomm as writing. His choice of those particular words, I feel, stand out in their malice and cruelty. I think you should, as administrator and trusted captain of this noble ship, ask qualcomm, in your official capacity, why he was so mean and insulting. And furthermore, I request a formal apology on my behalf, and on behalf of the community, whocih shouldn't be subject to such hurtful hurtfulness. I can't do it myself. I am, to be honest, scared. He's already gone this far. I don't know what else he is capable of. I apologize for ending that last sentence with a preposition, and thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 8/17/2005 3:59:24 PM - Dylan Danko: Yes, indeed! 8/17/2005 3:22:16 PM - TheBuyer: Pretty fucking funny, eh? EH? 8/17/2005 3:21:45 PM - TheBuyer: Ya, sorry, it belongs here. 8/17/2005 3:18:00 PM - Dylan Danko: Huh? 8/17/2005 2:41:27 PM - TheBuyer: My last comment is an horrifying mispost and should be drowned. 8/17/2005 2:40:06 PM - TheBuyer: Whoa, I think you owe Danko an apology, or at least an 'fu' you genderist. 6/29/2005 12:40:25 PM - Sergio: or maybe he should become a serious drinker? 6/29/2005 12:24:32 PM - scoop: Totally. 6/29/2005 12:23:52 PM - Sergio: He should be encouraged to explore the reasons behind his hositlity and nurtured towards becoming a member of "friendly society" 6/29/2005 12:05:58 PM - scoop: I know, Sergio, right? 6/29/2005 12:01:59 PM - Mr. Pony: I am terrified, as I am terrified to touch a doorknob in Winter. 6/29/2005 12:01:25 PM - Sergio: his lack of direct social interaction has severly handicapped his ability to deal with "real people"
6/29/2005 11:52:01 AM - scoop: Do you have any insight as to why qualcomm's got to make everything personal, Mr. Pony, or are you as hurt and confused as I? 6/29/2005 11:41:26 AM - Mr. Pony: I too, noticed this on the short in question. Should qualcomm be, perhaps, censured? This seems like a matter for the Council. 6/29/2005 11:36:11 AM - scoop (): Daring. Important. Vital. Necessary.
Hello,
My name is Madam Beverly Murray.I am deaf and dumb and I am a complete citizen of the United State of America, widow to the late former minister of finance in Philippine who was a victim of the terrorist attack against the United State of America on the 11th September 2001 that crashed at the World Trade Centre in New York . I inherited a total sum of $10 million dollars from my late husband. this money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is deposited with a security and finance company at Ivory Coast under a secret arrangement as a family treasure. This mean's that the security company does not know the content of this box that was sent from the United State of America to Ivory Coast under a diplomatic coverage. My main purpose of sending you this mail is because of the way I found you and perhaps trustworthy to give this priority of shipping this box of money to any address that you think is very secure and save in place with your percentage of which we shall chat on soon. There is need for urgent action because I'm paying $100 dollars per day as a demurrage to the security company for keeping this consignment. I give thank's immensely for the co-operation as I look forward to hear from you soonest.Please you can contact me at xyz.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 1/22/2010 11:53:38 PM - Marvin_Bernstein: (no comment) 1/19/2010 11:11:37 AM - Jon Matza: Demurrage 1/19/2010 1:23:57 AM - Marvin_Bernstein (): wait: how did I miss this? 8/4/2005 5:24:05 PM - Dick Vomit: Yes. What Kenji X said, said, said, said, said, said. 7/7/2005 1:05:49 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 7/7/2005 1:05:33 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 7/7/2005 1:05:24 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 7/7/2005 1:05:14 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 7/7/2005 1:04:38 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 7/7/2005 1:03:08 PM - Kenji X: Holy shit, Master Alpha from Sierra Leone and Benjamin Beta from Cote D'Ivoire just sent me similar messages. I am sensing a nefarious plot to keep the world's millions out of foreign nationals' hands. And I smell the sticky sweet residue of Dick Cheney behind this if I'm not mistaken. 6/17/2005 3:03:28 PM - TheBuyer: I'm intrigued by the mysterious sounding metallic trunk box deposited under a secret arrangement as a family treasure. 6/17/2005 2:57:40 PM - Will Disney: Eliza, what's the problem? You too good to comment on letters, Eliza? FU Eliza! 6/17/2005 2:57:12 PM - Will Disney: Eliza, is this for real? 6/17/2005 2:57:00 PM - Will Disney: Beverly, I dunno - $100/day to store your $10 million seems pretty reasonable to me. Come on - you can afford that!
Good day, Before I start my comment I will like to say hello to you, my name is Vera Atwell, I will like to place an order for some Propeller and NGK Spark plugs, so I want to know may be you stock for it, and I am shipping it to my husband in the West Africa, so let me know the type of propeller you have in stock. For the payment I will give you my credit card to charge for the shipping cost and the order. I look forward to hearing from you soonest. Regards, Mrs. Vera Atwell
Avg. Rating: [no votes yet] Word Count: 103 Submitted: 5/26/2005 9:51:40 AM Controversy Picks: 0
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 5/26/2005 3:10:02 PM - TheBuyer: This is Oluwadamilare adedejiand i will like to have
answers to the below before placing a order with your
company,
Do you accept credit card and can you ship by EMS speed
post/ UPS Express to Lagos, Nigeria.
I await your sooner response,
Regards,
Williams.
What the hell is EMS speed, Mr. Pony, Slocum, other science guy? 5/26/2005 2:28:51 PM - qualcomm: guess she thought we were these guys 5/26/2005 2:17:01 PM - Litcube: Provide me with her e-mail address and I'll field this. Just let me know how many we have in stock. 5/26/2005 9:52:30 AM - Will Disney: Someone should really help her out here!
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 4/20/2005 3:43:46 PM - The Rid's Girls: We must protest! Though we love the Rid (and we do), we accept that he is a frugal man and regularly refuses to pay us for our services, therefore we are broke bitches. 4/20/2005 11:35:44 AM - The Rid: $299.99, Pony? Honestly. 4/20/2005 12:01:23 AM - Litcube: aHAH! 4/19/2005 10:43:27 PM - Mr. Pony: So will Disney! 4/19/2005 10:05:57 PM - The Rid: My girls will be so happy! 4/19/2005 8:20:15 PM - Mr. Pony: Done! 4/19/2005 4:55:47 PM - Klause Muppet: i want royalties 4/19/2005 4:52:52 PM - Will Disney: Oh right. 4/19/2005 4:28:57 PM - TheBuyer: this I think. 4/19/2005 4:26:12 PM - Will Disney: What?
I am the Shover Robot. Pushing will protect you. Pushing will protect you from the terrible secret of space. I push bread down their throats. The Pusher Robot is malfunctioning. Do not trust the Pusher Robot. Humans must be pushed. Space has a terrible power. We are here to protect you. We are here to protect you from the terrible secret of space.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 1/26/2005 12:55:35 AM - Great Satan: Acme Fun Zcar. duh. 666 1/25/2005 11:57:05 PM - Streifenbeuteldachs: Pusher robot was funny for a while. 1/25/2005 5:16:16 PM - Cats: Make your...make your time. *Frrrrrrrnt* 1/25/2005 5:14:03 PM - Cats: Yeah, um, you have, like, no chance to, um. Survive. 1/25/2005 5:02:35 PM - TheBuyer: Whew! I thought it was breaking. 1/25/2005 4:51:51 PM - Pusher Robot: -=re-initialising=-
error check completed
no errors found
We are here to protect you. 1/25/2005 4:25:45 PM - Mr. Pony: W00t 1/25/2005 4:23:15 PM - Jon Matza: Whom 1/25/2005 4:16:23 PM - Mr. Pony: Who? 1/25/2005 4:07:32 PM - Great Satan: Perhaps scoop could uninvite the robot, a la AFZ? 1/24/2005 9:52:24 PM - Jon Matza: UNF=Unfunny? 1/24/2005 8:19:11 PM - Pusher Robot: The Sovere Robot is lafuncyioning donot trust the Shover Robot. PAK CHOOIE UNF.
Will. It is 7:25 PM, Wednesday, January 12, 2005. I am writing you to inform you that after sending this email I will post a new message on Acme. This message will announce that I am leaving the ACME community. IT IS A HOAX. I suspect there will be some controversy of some kind after I post it. Eventually, I will say, "hah hah just kidding." Then people may say, "NO ASSHOLE YOU MEANT IT AND NOW YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR MIND." And so I would ask that you retain this message on record as proof that this is a HOAX. Maybe you could even, like, FWD this message to me so I have a copy for my records. I heart you/Acme. --> Dick Vomit
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 1/18/2005 3:34:21 PM - Acme Fun Czar: This is not fun. 1/17/2005 6:30:57 PM - Litcube: Dick's giv'er here is some of the funniest shit I've read in weeks. 1/17/2005 1:12:09 AM - Dick Vomit: Wait? Seeriess? 1/17/2005 12:52:17 AM - Jon Matza: I'm dying too. Leukemia. Sorry, folks. 1/17/2005 12:23:56 AM - Dick Vomit: 8===o ~~ DV ~~ o===8 1/17/2005 12:22:57 AM - Dick Vomit: ok wait no, scoop. seriously. this was just part of my plan to stir up controversy. just a plan to throw a little more attention DV's way in adfvance of his ploy to get noticed by the Administration. Seriously i just liek to cum hear for laughs and so i wish for on youd not take me so seriessly. seriessly man. just jokes iam so disappointid? allpart of my plan hey look gests are justaz gud iz auhtrs youfagits should just votemoer we are totilly asFUNNy!! 1/17/2005 12:22:31 AM - Dick Vomit: But obviously wrong. LOOK I AM TRERRIBLE OK FUCK ME TO DEATH WITH KNIVES!!! WITH KNIVES!!! IN MY UNFUNNY non-HAOX HOAXING ASS!!!!! WITH KNIVES!!!!! 1/17/2005 12:14:27 AM - Dick Vomit: In fact! I assumed the idea of my quitting would be so preposterous and out of nowhere, that'd it'd be blown off immediately (see slocum's "I knew that"). And I did (I thought, anyway) a decent job of totally blowing it in aqdvance by posting to TREE right before: TREE, I'm sorry I was mean to you. 1/17/2005 12:10:54 AM - Dick Vomit: scoop, scoop! I...I tried to explain that when I saw all the [can you all, my real friends, virtual acquaintences and foes, tell me what you think of me since I'm dying. Let's be honest. But if you could couch your criticism within some larger praise] stuff happening, I bagged the idea as B-A-D. Surely, as a person who knows me in non-cyberspace, you wouldn't think me the kind of person who'd say, "TIME FOR PRAISE! MMM DELICIOUS PRAISE OF ME!" 1/16/2005 11:58:51 PM - Mr. Pony: Don't die, scoop? Don't have gotten cancer? 1/16/2005 8:46:52 PM - scoop: Bad news everyone (well that is for some of you.) I'm dying of cancer. I'll probably be dead before the end of the year. In the meantime, can you all, my real friends, virtual acquaintences and foes, tell me what you think of me since I'm dying. Let's be honest. But if you could couch your criticism within some larger praise so my last days aren't total downers it mean a lot to me, since I'll be "quitting" the cite permanently when I die. Thx. Oh BTW DV, good hoax. Got us. ZING! 1/14/2005 10:40:31 PM - Streifenbeuteldachs (): Those are some pretty swollen ollards there, Vomit. 1/14/2005 7:35:39 PM - Dick Vomit: Jesus Christ, thank you. 1/14/2005 7:27:45 PM - Litcube: 1/14/2005 7:27:24 PM - Litcube: 1/14/2005 7:24:05 PM - Litcube: Dick: Ok. 1/14/2005 4:49:02 PM - Mr. Pony: qualcomm: apologies. Matza: please don't needlessly complicate my finely crafted metaphor. 1/14/2005 4:46:12 PM - Jon Matza: The uncle who molested you? 1/14/2005 4:45:38 PM - qualcomm: really, mr. pony, i've no idea to what you are referring. however, if you wish to speak to The Feasibility Study, it seems to prefer the Message Board. 1/14/2005 4:43:20 PM - Mr. Pony: The Feasibility Study/qualcomm. Does someone have their admin powers back, or is someone placing many calls to Disney's "Vonage Box"? 1/14/2005 4:41:59 PM - Mr. Pony: Actually, The Feasibility Study, I was saying that it was pretty close to the uncle thing. 1/14/2005 4:40:24 PM - Jon Matza: More curious than funny, I'd have to agree. Not that curious can't be thinsulate sometimes. On the contrary; curious can sometimes be thinsulate! 1/14/2005 4:32:48 PM - Dick Vomit: It's all perfectly clear. Tear it/me apart if you must. 1/14/2005 4:30:34 PM - qualcomm: munchausen! also, pony wasn't saying your hoax was like, "Dude, I fucked yer mom! Psyche!" he's saying it was more like, "Dude, I ate some cereal! Psyche!" 1/14/2005 4:27:06 PM - Dick Vomit: QC, I would agree with you very strenuously. My original plan was to hold off on my return until after my 30 short published!! However, once I saw the ripples of which you speak, I had to come back. I couldn't stand it! TRUE! 1/14/2005 4:25:23 PM - Dick Vomit: I'm not sure that's a fair comparison. There was bruhaha surrounding TheBuyer's Ascension. I thought I might pretend to be miffed and pretend to leave Acme out of protest. Which I think I pulled off. When I quickly realized I could not stomach the effects of this hoax, however, I blew the whistle on myself. That hardly seems the same as "Dude, I fucked yer mom! Psyche!" 1/14/2005 4:18:11 PM - Mr. Pony: No, he didn't! Ha HA! 1/14/2005 4:15:18 PM - Mr. Pony: Hey, my uncle just died. 1/14/2005 4:07:51 PM - Dick Vomit: 'cube, can I get some graphical comments up in this piece? 1/14/2005 4:07:51 PM - qualcomm: a very believable hoax, but unseemly. how, for instance, would you answer the charge that the ulterior motive of your prank was to bask in a false sense of importance as you watched your "departure" send ripples of anguish through the community? rather von munchauseny of you, one might say. 1/14/2005 4:04:15 PM - Dick Vomit: Mr. Pony: I would agree with you that my hoax may not have been funny! I would agree with you that my hoax may have been weird! Seriously weird, even! But are you suggesting you do not see how it is a hoax? Like scoop said, it was like I faked my death and attended the funeral. But I am alive. It was a hoax. A ho-ax. Surely... 1/14/2005 3:50:20 PM - qualcomm: i believe you, dv 1/14/2005 3:48:27 PM - Ewan Snow (): Great, work, Mr. Vomit. You are well on your way to becoming an author. Now there are just a few bits of paper work to clear up and you application will be complete... 1/14/2005 3:07:25 PM - Dick Vomit (): Totally. 1/14/2005 2:47:13 PM - Mr. Pony: Dude, that's a seriously weird hoax. I mean, I don't understand this as a hoax. It's weird. 1/14/2005 2:46:49 PM - Litcube (): Deplorable.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 3/25/2005 6:45:11 PM - Litcube (): :) 1/14/2005 12:41:01 AM - Dick Vomit: That's RIGHT! 1/14/2005 12:40:42 AM - Dick Vomit: [censored due to invalid HTML] 1/10/2005 1:43:25 AM - John Slocum: (*[(("old"?))]*)
1/9/2005 2:08:10 PM - Jon Matza: (("old"?)) 1/9/2005 1:04:25 PM - Mr. Pony: ("old"?) 1/9/2005 11:03:37 AM - Jon Matza: TREE's already experiencing migraine headaches from the strain of trying to understand sarcasm, Pony. surely it's ungenerous to chide him for stealing and ineptly using your old joke? 1/9/2005 2:49:05 AM - Mr. Pony: ("Damnithead"?) 1/8/2005 8:47:48 PM - Jon Matza: Desperation seeping in, TREE? Try another ten insults. Maybe you'll catch a break one one of them... 1/8/2005 1:48:18 PM - TREE: Hey Matza. If your friend Jack needed help off the horse would you help him? Of course you would cause horse's have big cocks right? And there's nothing you like better than big cock right? Are you sure you recognize sarcasm? You big damnithead. Put another crayon up your nose maybe you can nudge the other 3 back into place and reverse the home lobotomy. 1/7/2005 10:40:13 PM - Ewan Snow: no. 1/7/2005 9:45:27 PM - Jon Matza: Can someone please explain sarcasm to TREE slowly, in one syllable words? Patience is recommended. 1/7/2005 4:07:05 PM - TREE: I see that's worked really well for you matza. I see all the Canadians have run away as well as the author list dropping dramatically. A success if I ever saw one. 1/4/2005 4:00:52 PM - Jon Matza: That's right, acme--my stranglehold over you and your destinty is nearly complete now. My greatest pleasure is ensuring you will never "succeed". I pledge to continue scaring away potential readers, authors, investors and Canadians. HA HA HO HO HA!!!!! 1/4/2005 3:49:50 PM - Acme Shorts (): Hello, qualcomm! Dear, sweet qualcomm. Thanks, I'm fine, just fine. If only this new mandatory voting legislation you're sponsoring would pass, I'd be even better. If it weren't for that meddlesome Matza, everything would be ok. Is he ever right about anything?! 1/4/2005 3:46:30 PM - Will Disney: f u !
We are sorry to inform you that acmeshorts.com will not be included in our listing of literary/humorous web sites. While we usually encourage our judges to spend as much as two or three weeks on a web site for determination of its suitability, in this case, the judge has turned in his report after only one day, and the results will no doubt be a disappointment to you.
While our policy forbids disclosing our judges' reports in their entirety, we can provide the following information for your records. 1) The site was found to contain inappropriate material including rape, bestiality, lube, and eroticized abortion 2) The site community was found to be insulting and deceptive 3) While certain members of the community seemed interested in appropriate material, they often composed inappropriate material, most likely under pressure from other community members 4) The inappropriate material was not isolated, but part of a systemic corruption reaching up to the community's senior management.
In light of these concerns, it is impossible for us to further consider acmeshorts.com for inclusion in our listing of literary/humorous web sites. We encourage you to address these issues and, if nominated again, acmeshorts.com may be eligible for reconsideration.
Thank you for your time.
Charles Adams
Director of Business Development Online Literary Supplement
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 5/26/2005 1:41:41 PM - Mr. Pony: 8:o 1/14/2005 2:52:58 PM - TheBuyer: I'm starting to think that the quirk that defines 'real' personalities is also stupidity. 12/6/2004 8:19:06 PM - Mr. Pony: I think he was wondering why the "quirk" that defines fake identities is often stupidity. Or, I guess, him saying what he said made me wonder it. 12/6/2004 9:48:00 AM - Ewan Snow: The reason is that people can pretend to be stupid in any number of ways, but only know how to be smart (or as smart as they already are, anyway) in one way. And if they did that, it would be more obvious who it was. 12/4/2004 4:17:24 PM - qualcomm: yeah, can't any of you assholes even pretend to be smart? for me? 12/4/2004 4:01:44 PM - Mr. Pony (): Even on the extremely off chance that this wasn't a gag, we should probably still treat it as such, just to, you know, keep our minds limber. Anyway. While I thought the premise was pretty brilliant and inherently funny, I thought the execution left a little to be desired. Would have been nice to have picked an online organization (or organization with an online division) that actually had a web address. Was the author afraid that we'd check the letter's references, and that someone would end up in prison? Also, yeah, way too short, and the questions devolved into absurdity too quickly. Got the sense that "CrazyGuy" couldn't contain his laughter over how stupid his own posts were. I wish you'd gone all the way! Still, "author," good effort! * * * *
P.S. I am reminded of a question qualcomm once asked: "Why does everyone make a fake identity and pretend to be stupid? Why can't someone make a fake identity and pretend to be smart?" 12/3/2004 5:27:02 PM - The Rid (): You'd think that whomever the gagmeister is could've sustained it for more than two days. Sheesh. 12/3/2004 4:46:50 PM - qualcomm: that also looked like a sweet cock. i think i'm getting the hang of this. 12/3/2004 4:46:20 PM - qualcomm: ____
?~~
12/3/2004 4:42:53 PM - qualcomm: ?? 12/3/2004 3:53:14 PM - Litcube (): Fixed! 12/3/2004 3:39:34 PM - Ewan Snow (): (no comment) 12/3/2004 3:35:26 PM - Will Disney: fixed! 12/3/2004 3:35:15 PM - Will Disney (): fixed? 12/3/2004 3:30:37 PM - Will Disney: actually i can't. i'll look into it... 12/3/2004 3:30:16 PM - Will Disney: i can vote! 12/3/2004 3:12:11 PM - TheBuyer: do you think the two are related? Could this be "the curse"? spooky. 12/3/2004 2:59:26 PM - Jon Matza: Wasn't me, but I enjoyed the gag if it was indeed a gag. If not it was the second major chance for wild success we've blown in the last few months! (the other being not appreciating/taking seriously Frankenstone's shrewd insights on what consititutes good writing and comedy). 12/3/2004 2:56:06 PM - scoop: 8=o 12/3/2004 2:54:31 PM - Ewan Snow: say, disney, i just tried to vote on this letter, but it gave me an "aw, crap" message. Then I tried again but it said that I'd already voted on it. ut here's the kicker: MY VOTE STILL DOES NOT SHOW UP!!!! Explain that one whiz kid! 12/3/2004 2:51:01 PM - Will Disney: yeah, that *is* more like it ! 12/3/2004 2:49:36 PM - Ewan Snow: Well that was our one chance at greatness, and you had to ruin it with peer pressure and inappropriate material. Shame on you is more like it. 12/3/2004 2:48:42 PM - Dylan Danko: This is Matza. 12/3/2004 2:21:40 PM - qualcomm: your rush to collaborate with the shadowy OLS was positively french. shame! 12/3/2004 2:19:17 PM - Ewan Snow: Good job, qualcomm. You ruined it for the rest of us! 12/3/2004 2:15:41 PM - qualcomm: hey, you know what's weird? i can't find a trace of this online literary supplement on google! 12/3/2004 2:09:55 PM - Dick Vomit: 8====o (( 12/3/2004 2:09:17 PM - Litcube: We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
We are pleased to announce that acmeshorts.com has been nominated for inclusion in our listing of literary/humorous web sites.
We have assigned a judge to evaluate your site and consider its suitability for inclusion in our list. As you are a site which includes guest participation, our judge has been authorized to join your community during his evaluation period and post stories on your site, if your policies allow it. He will also take part in any other community activities you offer. While he will be doing this anonymously, it is our policy to inform you that he will be joining your community. Please, just be yourselves! There is no need to do anything different. I trust that our judge will find you to be polite and respectful. He will be judging your community on the following categories: 1) Creativity 2) Community spirit 3) Writing quality/quantity 4) Decency
Thank you for your time.
Charles Adams
Director of Business Development Online Literary Supplement
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 12/6/2004 5:09:43 AM - Ferucio P. Chhretan (): If there's anything I can do to ruin this opportunity, just let me know. 12/6/2004 5:07:10 AM - Ferucio P. Chhretan: dude, I am so bummed I wasn't even here for this. 12/3/2004 11:10:50 AM - TREE: tampex nig 12/3/2004 11:04:25 AM - Dylan Danko: I agree with Snow. There's no reason to piss the guy off without more evidence. QC, step to! 12/3/2004 11:04:18 AM - Will Disney: The only thing this letter is missing is a Nigerian government official's name at the end of it and some crap about how we need to cough up some cash from the Acme coffers. 12/3/2004 11:01:56 AM - Dylan Danko: Fucking Columbo over here! 12/3/2004 11:01:14 AM - Dick Vomit: Need it be said that I plan to give the judge the judge? 12/3/2004 10:38:19 AM - Ewan Snow: Well, I hope you're right, cuz otherwise your behavior will not reflect well on the acme community, especially in the eyes of the judge. Personally, I plan to be on my best behavior. 12/3/2004 10:26:05 AM - qualcomm: no, i think the letter and crazyguy are both big FAKES 12/3/2004 10:21:05 AM - Ewan Snow: So QC, you think the letter is real and CrazyGuy is the judge? 12/3/2004 10:18:37 AM - Ewan Snow: Interesting... 12/3/2004 10:17:45 AM - Ewan Snow: FU, qualcomm. Also, wasn't texxx cabot, not frankenstone? Personally, I plan to be on my best behavior in order to impress this fellow. 12/3/2004 10:14:42 AM - qualcomm: so this letter is submitted 12/02 at 6:03 PM, and CrazyGuy, a very "decent" chap it seems, submits his first comment ten minutes later. 12/3/2004 9:43:46 AM - qualcomm: here are my top 3 guesses for this letter's author: 1) Frankenstone/Cabot 2) Texxx 3) Ewan Snow 12/3/2004 12:58:41 AM - TheBuyer: here pile some "decency" under your ass for leverage.
12/2/2004 7:12:24 PM - scoop: "Community," he choked, straining to double over in order to give himself a blow-job. "Community." 12/2/2004 7:07:01 PM - Jon Matza: I can hardly wait to sink my fangs into this Fauntleroy. 12/2/2004 6:40:14 PM - The Rid: I'm almost tempted to vote this as "The Latest Controversy." Hee hee! 12/2/2004 6:30:47 PM - Litcube: That's a funny comment, Mr. Pony. 12/2/2004 6:23:05 PM - TheBuyer: something like the pilot episode? 12/2/2004 6:14:23 PM - Mr. Pony: Doesn't every sitcom in television history have an episode chronicling what's about to happen?
Hi, just curious, do you shove things in your ass? I don’t. Not that you know of at least. You can’t prove it. Okay, I’ve never been successfully prosecuted for putting illegal contraband, or children, or monies or diamonds, in my ass. So fuck you.
Sincerely Your,
Alfred P. Whitaker
Avg. Rating: [no votes yet] Word Count: 52 Submitted: 9/9/2004 11:36:51 AM Controversy Picks: 0
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 9/10/2004 6:58:33 PM - TheBuyer: Seven. 9/10/2004 6:58:21 PM - TheBuyer: In a minute, I'll have six baby carrots in mine. 9/10/2004 6:56:47 PM - scoop: TMI, dude. 9/10/2004 6:43:50 PM - Ol‘ Summer Sausage: I have a chess piece in my butt. A bishop. 9/10/2004 6:02:29 PM - scoop: I have a sneaking suspicion that a mugful of intestine is sloshing around in my scrotum -- that being said Alfred P. Whitaker brings up an indeterminate number of salient points. 9/10/2004 5:48:20 PM - TheBuyer: Hey, a letter!
Disney!!!!!!!! I am Kruger. I will be contributing many guest shorts detailing my triumphs. Please can you grant me the appropriate user privileges so that I might edit my shorts properly? I thank you in advance! Sincerely, Kruger
Avg. Rating: [no votes yet] Word Count: 38 Submitted: 7/12/2004 9:37:08 AM Controversy Picks: 0
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 10/29/2004 5:19:06 PM - Dylan Danko: One of the authors got bored with him, Disney. 10/29/2004 5:07:00 PM - Jon Matza: One of these days I'm going to break your psychic stranglehold over me, Kruger. And make you regret the vile crimes you have forced me to commit. 10/29/2004 12:23:55 AM - Mr. Pony: I miss him. 10/28/2004 11:31:22 PM - Will Disney: whatever happened to this guy? 8/5/2004 10:19:26 AM - Mr. Pony: It is Kruger!
Next came the crab-meat stuffed squid to be served with broccoli rape, that often in the past had been thrown away by vegetable vendors on Arthur Avenue for its bitterness but in time would become a sort of gourmet delight priced twenty times higher, drenched in olive oil and garlic along with dry cod mixed with broccoli and coated with lemon juice and a large salad covered with one portion of vinegar to two portions of olive oil. After this was eaten with crusty burnt bread that hyphenated-Americans would think was stale, strewn though out the table at various intervals, came the scallop-shrimp dish smothered among mushrooms and the red crushed red pepper marinated octopi swimming in a red sauce - that could not be a gravy that would have had meat juices - though "renowned chefs would continue to call their mixtures sauces, in it as the eating of meat was a taboo until years later when a Pope would decide he was losing a lot of customers and say it was OK to eat meat and Bishops would at the same time hide their molesters of young children or be transferred to another place to have more innocence to feed on, that would have had all the evil eyes in the world making a home in their dwelling for all their lives - and so it was that kind of redness that encompassed the octopi that were looking up with the saddest of eyes into many directions just like the baby Johnny's eyes had looked up into the angry eyes of brothers and sisters who would always regard him as an intruder who came among the day before Christ was born. He was so much dirty sand among strewn garbage littering the wet ground. END 3-13-04
J.
Avg. Rating: 3.5 (2 votes received) Word Count: 299 Submitted: 5/5/2004 12:16:43 AM Controversy Picks: 0
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 7/5/2004 10:29:35 PM - TheBuyer: any more of these? 5/10/2004 2:01:48 AM - Mr. Pony: J.--Why won't you post "Kamikaze Shooterdowner"? I have to read it!! 5/6/2004 8:00:29 AM - Mr. Pony (): This dude's sprinting downhill! 5/5/2004 9:26:49 PM - Will Disney: i wrote to him to submit through the guest shorts page but he insists on mailing them in! 5/5/2004 9:26:24 PM - Will Disney: yes, same J. 5/5/2004 2:11:20 PM - qualcomm: is this the same J. as the writer of the query below? if so, is this a tone poem or a storella? 5/5/2004 2:01:35 PM - scoop: Wow! 5/5/2004 1:44:17 PM - Ewan Snow (): Unfortunately, this short could not be a gravy that would have had meat juices.
was wondering if you accept or reject these various art forms: short-short stories, storellas, literary pre`cis and "tonepoems" via E-mail? Some of my latest works are: "A Ten Pound Large Man", "Dr. Freud's House Calls", "Kamikaze Shooterdowner" , "Falling Way Out of Olivia", "A Man from the California Settlement","A Latent Lesbian", "Kafka's Tomb","Drinking in Whispers", "Olivia's Words", "Tina of the Troy" "Tom's Outer Space Journeys","Missing Facawee", "Dying Young", "Sleeping with Big Fish"," Sports Wars between the Jinx Gods and Greek Gods", "A Hundred-eyed Dog", "Hyphenated All Americans", "Once a Time Ago on Old Arthur Avenue Stories", "Oedipus of the Knowing", "Riding the Divided States", The Pseudo War Between Brazil and Canada", "Why We Hate the French Like Ourselves" and "The Whistling Man's long Dark Journey into Night - sometimes on the Great Lakes Seas".... These were all sculpted using 800 words or less. I also have collections of short stories: "A Dying Living", "The Last American-African", "An Old Born Baby", "When the Fan Hit the", The Village Idiot Comes Home to Oedipus", "Wake Up Stupid!", "Thirty After Noon", "Once Catholicism Meant Liberal", "Just a Mean Hearted People", "No More Baggage to Carry" .... My works have been accepted in the DSA, Great Britain, Greece, Ireland, Canada, India, Romania .... Thank you for your time and kind attention and please accept my apologies if I have bothered you before. Often I receive E-mail addresses from writer friends and since I have lost most of my files, I can not recall if I sent you this query before. Again I am sorry for this. I know you must put much effort and time in your endeavor - without much thanks. I thank you.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 11/30/2004 1:05:24 PM - TheBuyer: "A Latent Lesbian" 8/5/2004 2:33:09 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan: Has anyone mined this for titles? It seems only fair. 8/5/2004 12:50:51 PM - scoop: Or just kill yourself like airea, write a suicide letter and post-it, so Pony can immortalize you forever in a Robot short. Immortal dude. What're you doing now? Struggling? Trying? What's the point? You know as well as I do you'll never be as good as any of those heroes of yours you have up on the bookshelf. Make the pain go away. Go on. It's the right thing. You don't need me to tell you that. 8/5/2004 10:34:27 AM - qualcomm: "The Village Idiot Comes Home to Oedipus" for me 8/5/2004 10:31:37 AM - Mr. Pony: If so, J. -- I implore you -- please post "Kamikaze Shooterdowner" immediately. 8/5/2004 10:24:14 AM - qualcomm: "My works have been accepted in the DSA, Great Britain, Greece, Ireland, Canada, India, Romania..." Hey disney, do these letter writers get emails when new comments are attached to their work? 3/12/2004 6:55:28 PM - scoop: No Pony is right. Its been up the whole time. In fact, it was up before the site, if memory serves... 3/12/2004 6:46:38 PM - Benny Maniacs (): This is the best thing I've ever have readen. 3/12/2004 6:06:00 PM - Jon Matza: I never saw that shit either. 3/12/2004 3:26:07 PM - Mr. Pony: Danko, have you gone totally insane? It's been there from day one. 3/12/2004 3:01:50 PM - Dylan Danko: WHen did that letters link get there? FU Disney. 3/12/2004 12:21:42 PM - Will Disney: this is a whole mailbag section, you retard. 3/12/2004 11:02:07 AM - Dylan Danko: Disney, I want a whole mailbag section! Now! 3/12/2004 11:01:07 AM - Dylan Danko (): but dudes, he "sculpted" them. 3/12/2004 8:20:35 AM - Jon Matza: You haven't truly read "Oedipus of the Knowing" till you've read it in Rumanian. 3/12/2004 2:47:17 AM - Mr. Pony: I will reserve judgement until I have read "Kamikaze Shooterdowner". 3/12/2004 1:17:30 AM - scoop (): I have to take one star off for ripping off one of my query letters. But otherwise top nothch. By and By...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 3/11/2004 11:52:42 PM - qualcomm (): 5 stars! what a dipshit!
Don't you think that some of those folks at your company are being meen to me???!!! Like what is up with those messages about how they don't like me???!!! Please kick of Jan Feldspar and BenjaminManic imediately!!! I know you probably hear this all the time, but I really like your company and just hope I don't have to sue it or anything.
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 5/25/2004 2:39:57 AM - TheBuyer (): Ya those guys are totall crapp, I am deinatelley on you're side, dood. 4/12/2004 4:21:29 PM - Ferucio P. Chhretan (): "meen" 3/12/2004 9:40:26 AM - Ewan Snow: This guy's cool.
