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© 2010 AcmeShorts
Updated: 8/29/2005
Current Quarter: Q2FY11
Total Shorts: 3,190
Author profile: qualcomm Description: qualcomm wears sandals
qualcomm's Personalized Author Rankings:
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Freshest Short: Dan Swastikowsky
Author Preference for qualcomm:
Guest Preference for qualcomm (top 10 only, min 3 votes): Recent Message Board Posts from qualcomm: hey disney wikipedia on craig lewis re: acme 2.0 re: Gentlemen, have... acme 2.0
Dan Swastikowsky - added 3/31/2010 9:15:26 PMThe sex was consensual - added 1/13/2010 1:47:32 PMThe Sanguineous Tale of the Hideous Demon Andrew Jackson - added 10/30/2009 9:30:52 AMThe deception gene's recessive - added 10/26/2009 10:52:26 PMThe Nature of the Ways Things Woiks - added 3/24/2009 10:37:45 PMMaturity. - added 3/19/2009 8:52:41 PMDr. Various - added 2/25/2009 12:53:51 PMShakespeare Can Suck a Rhinoceros' Cock as Far as I'm Concerned, and That Goes Double for the Rest of You Crapping Cocksuckers - added 1/5/2009 12:36:10 PMHunchcock's Dilemma - added 11/15/2008 3:20:43 PMCuntfart Doodydick - added 10/3/2008 12:17:24 AMBob & Jenny - added 9/17/2008 10:53:47 PMWe were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in. - added 8/13/2008 10:14:21 AMgakwer - added 8/1/2008 3:17:16 PMpapal bull - added 6/30/2008 12:22:06 PMThe audio cassette hissed away on aJkrh's Nagra. - added 4/29/2008 12:26:13 AMScience Tits - added 4/1/2008 1:49:33 PMA New Translation, by P.U. Buttmeunster - added 1/7/2008 10:12:48 AMInvoluted Coagularium in Peach Cardboard and Tempura, #17 - added 12/26/2007 4:11:48 PMJennie's World - added 12/22/2007 12:48:55 AMWhat is free will? - added 10/18/2007 1:20:15 PMWhat is free will? - added 10/18/2007 1:19:43 PMSpock Mind Melds with a Thermostat - added 10/15/2007 12:35:35 PMThe new guy - added 9/9/2007 12:07:48 AM5k - added 8/22/2007 5:13:16 PMGood Help - added 8/20/2007 10:53:11 AMDanica Schroeder - added 6/6/2007 3:53:04 PMGood enough - added 5/25/2007 4:10:21 PMHaving taught Aubrey to swim... - added 5/15/2007 5:24:33 PMMy Cum - added 1/23/2007 2:38:30 PMIt's Martin Luther King Day - added 1/17/2007 2:54:40 PMSymbiosis Man - added 1/17/2007 1:59:58 PMRequiem for Korngold - added 11/24/2006 7:14:55 PMCosmology - added 10/8/2006 11:04:53 PMBefore the Baby Boom - added 9/21/2006 11:30:31 PMThis Guy Doesn't Have a Clue! - added 9/14/2006 3:30:33 PMThey say that life is like a block of marble - added 8/18/2006 12:27:36 AMThree openings to shorts that I just can't bring myself to finish. - added 1/26/2006 11:23:47 PMEveryone just cut the shit. - added 1/19/2006 1:29:19 AMThe Spirit of Seemingly Inconsequential, Yet Nonetheless Disastrous, Artistic Changes - added 1/9/2006 10:46:38 PMUnbeknownst to them, an afterlife awaits all of the many pets who pass through my ownership. - added 1/7/2006 2:15:24 AMJeanette was proud of Simon. - added 1/6/2006 1:03:20 AMThere's a lot more to being a pimp - added 11/16/2005 12:42:18 AMIt’s the same old bullshit. - added 11/7/2005 11:21:15 PMMr. Harvey Breaks The Bank (A Mr. Harvey Adventure) - added 10/25/2005 3:01:06 PMItalian For Shitheads - added 10/25/2005 2:31:58 PMFor want of a nail, the kingdom blew A-Rod. - added 10/10/2005 9:42:45 AMHe was an expert in soft tissue cavities. - added 9/29/2005 8:11:20 AMAnd lo, the centurion did doubt the King of Kings - added 9/17/2005 2:33:15 PMI work with machines. - added 9/6/2005 5:51:52 AMFirst of all, I want to thank everyone who's supported me and my cancer - added 8/26/2005 12:46:08 PMEven Odds' breath misted under the sodium lights - added 8/15/2005 9:39:46 PMLadies and gentleman, distinguished colleagues - added 8/13/2005 3:04:23 PMThe Golden Age - added 8/11/2005 11:36:32 AMIt being the height of summer - added 8/7/2005 11:56:49 PMWhen I left the life behind - added 8/3/2005 4:10:26 PMGrungy bars, church picnics, video dating services… - added 7/26/2005 2:02:26 AMIn olden times, you could make a major philosophic advance with no training whatsoever - added 7/26/2005 1:05:31 AMYour daughter's in love, Ms. Perez - added 7/24/2005 11:34:54 PMCritics are divided on Fellini’s 8 1/8 - added 7/18/2005 12:17:28 AMA particularly hard low and fast-moving cloud - added 7/18/2005 12:15:43 AMPhilip Jones pulled his mackintosh tight around his chest - added 7/18/2005 12:14:58 AMThere are things I have to do... - added 7/18/2005 12:14:07 AMDo you know how fast you were going - added 7/17/2005 11:10:05 PMMy combo and I were really cookin - added 7/10/2005 11:07:24 PMSting - added 7/3/2005 8:05:01 PMHe bled out and became a body before the ambulance arrived. - added 6/16/2005 1:36:30 PMMr. Pony apotheosizes into a being of pure irony - added 6/13/2005 1:06:21 PMMuppety - added 6/10/2005 2:42:08 PMOl' Summer Sausage - added 6/9/2005 11:43:00 AMJon Feldspar - added 6/9/2005 11:41:34 AMLerpa, The - added 6/9/2005 11:41:08 AMStomach Foot - added 6/9/2005 11:18:21 AMI had the Belgian slut just where I wanted her - added 5/21/2005 11:00:06 AMMy bland expression belied the emotional turmoil - added 5/18/2005 3:53:02 PMWhere she at - added 4/1/2005 7:03:26 PMThe Dinner Party - added 3/14/2005 10:58:30 AMI thought it would be safe - added 3/12/2005 2:03:18 PMDouglass spread his girlfriend's labia and lapped up the sleep-thickened mucus. - added 3/1/2005 3:08:46 PMMorontown - added 2/21/2005 11:43:14 AMJames A. Michener's West Hartford - added 2/16/2005 11:59:02 PMPresident's Day - added 2/16/2005 11:57:20 PMFunny how I became the bad guy - added 2/10/2005 5:01:57 AMConcorde 77 - added 1/30/2005 5:38:20 PMMac - added 1/21/2005 9:01:21 AMThis short is not to be doubted. - added 1/19/2005 11:01:44 AMThe elf's semen has healing properties. - added 1/15/2005 9:41:45 PMI'd been tasked - added 1/14/2005 3:53:05 PMSwirling in the widening gyre, bland corruption mephiticized the mid-twentieth century American novel. - added 1/13/2005 1:35:19 PMHer poo is also white. - added 1/4/2005 3:16:57 PMI was getting my hair marcelled when the idea for non-alcoholic whiskey fucked my brain. - added 12/21/2004 8:31:32 AMSooner or later they all fell. - added 12/13/2004 12:01:26 AMMotion raised to lick your cunt. - added 12/6/2004 10:07:20 AM"And this is my insignificant other," I said, pushing Debbie forward. - added 12/2/2004 8:04:50 AMI go through a heck of a lot of lube. - added 11/30/2004 11:32:47 AMWhen ol' Jacob Truetree posted bills for his First Annual Raree and Exhibition of Fistic Science, most folks didn't expect the old codger himself to headline the card. - added 11/19/2004 10:53:41 AMWhen I came back to my car and saw that orange paper on the windshield - added 11/18/2004 2:37:48 PMGrand Unified Theory - added 11/1/2004 2:58:57 PMCry Havoc, and Let Slip the Wages of Intimacy - added 10/21/2004 12:58:43 PMTop off that Rob Roy for you, Charles? - added 10/13/2004 12:23:05 PMJanet held the home pregnancy test strip in her smelly urine stream and prayed. - added 10/6/2004 12:12:51 PMI was out raking leaves when I heard a voice whisper my name. - added 10/4/2004 2:20:25 PMI'm training for the marathon. - added 10/1/2004 11:27:10 AMKofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. - added 9/26/2004 9:29:15 PMYou'd be surprised at the resources available to inmates of modern prisons. - added 9/23/2004 9:55:05 AMOkay, here we are! - added 9/12/2004 7:47:34 PMSukilh and his three daughters lived outside of Jakarta near the landfill. - added 9/7/2004 6:23:13 AMMan, I had the weirdest dream last night. - added 8/30/2004 6:21:12 AM"Okay," - added 8/26/2004 11:56:01 AMWelcome, matriculants - added 8/26/2004 11:29:58 AMHer dimensions were useful - added 8/26/2004 11:07:06 AMRassman - added 8/20/2004 4:04:48 PMJake Kohler - added 8/19/2004 9:26:26 PMKids today are incredibly media-savvy. - added 8/18/2004 10:14:27 AMHenry liked to make wishes - added 8/13/2004 11:10:11 AMThe puss you can land at these anti-war protests is unreal. - added 8/11/2004 12:58:34 PMDeaf, parallel-universe Adolf Hitler strode down Wilhelm Friedrickstrasse - added 8/10/2004 12:55:19 PMSmelling of pickled herring - added 7/30/2004 1:46:57 PMGood News - added 7/29/2004 8:57:31 AMCountess Tatiana Rimski-Premikov lifted the billowing tulle gathers - added 7/26/2004 1:11:00 PMSir: - added 7/22/2004 1:17:57 PMThe front door of Dr. Stanley Touche - added 7/16/2004 12:40:18 PMYou want to make something of it? - added 7/14/2004 2:24:13 PMSidney Poitier was very disappointed in you. - added 7/5/2004 8:37:53 PMThe station wagon was dark green - added 6/29/2004 1:29:52 PMThere was nothing even remotely arousing in Nilda Cortes' handling of the device called a stopcock. - added 6/25/2004 1:53:06 PMHollings - added 6/17/2004 10:21:02 AMHunting Owl - added 6/4/2004 12:25:27 AMThe wedding was the usual sort of thing. - added 5/28/2004 2:33:51 PMduh - added 5/28/2004 2:30:05 PMDr. Fineberg was having GI problems - added 5/20/2004 3:22:28 PMBoy, we sure have a lot of inertia - added 5/11/2004 12:23:39 PM500 grand? - added 4/26/2004 6:58:56 PMTimes were tight. - added 4/20/2004 12:57:03 PMCindi? It’s Suzi. - added 3/30/2004 4:34:42 PMShe licked my engorged penis from the base to the tip - added 3/22/2004 1:53:37 PM Penny Pulaski - added 3/14/2004 8:33:06 PMOne peanut butter and salt sandwich - added 3/13/2004 3:02:16 PMThe entirely fictional Dr. Pfeiffer - added 3/1/2004 7:09:43 PM"Where's my cap?" - added 3/1/2004 8:38:59 AMA song of Slavic discord formed the coda to my spiralling descent. - added 2/14/2004 1:07:14 PMMy rapist was being a total asshole. - added 2/14/2004 12:55:30 PMIt was the state-mandated day of romance, and Woman wanted her box of fucking chocolate. - added 2/13/2004 2:15:43 PMAnd so it was with great reluctance... - added 2/12/2004 12:01:34 AM"Don't infantilize me," Mitzi was always saying. - added 2/7/2004 3:51:44 PMJibley - added 1/28/2004 9:18:03 PMIt was the retarded honeymoon. - added 1/28/2004 6:56:09 PMLumbering forth at dawn to the tiresome grind of hunting and gathering, Pihcut couldn't help but wonder if his caveman wife had been faking it the prior evening. - added 1/22/2004 7:38:53 PMA Cancer Story - added 1/17/2004 5:40:19 PMThey were all fucking. - added 1/16/2004 4:37:42 PManon_user_a writes the dumbest feedback ever, and is roundly ridiculed by matza - added 1/16/2004 12:01:29 PM"Hey, let's see who has the hairiest genitals," I suggested, staggering to my feet and dropping trou. - added 1/8/2004 10:44:17 AM... - added 1/7/2004 4:32:26 PMCorky slung his knapsack over one shoulder, just like all the normal kids. - added 1/6/2004 8:49:27 PMSomehow, the boiler room was even muggier than the August night. - added 12/30/2003 6:43:15 PMVice Hubert Schneibling de-malked the freshly tanned lumrick and nudged it gently up his quiffer. - added 12/24/2003 9:55:35 AMWith great care, Feldman transferred his groceries from the shopping cart to the conveyor belt. - added 12/19/2003 4:51:21 PMNo fucking way was Bad To The Bone a novelty song, Thorogood concluded in a bourbony haze. - added 12/18/2003 5:53:07 AMA border town. - added 12/8/2003 11:16:29 AMYou get an “A” for effort, Bobby. - added 12/8/2003 12:38:12 AM“Sure, ‘twas our revered progenitor, Gallaghtrue Gonogle, who split the sacerdotal alder tree..." - added 12/7/2003 11:59:58 PMThe night was cold. - added 12/5/2003 2:55:47 PMHey, it's great to be back in the Poconos - added 11/20/2003 7:46:06 PMkudos from the sun king - added 11/20/2003 7:24:44 PMEver since his comedic masterstroke about krauts farting inside their panzers, PFC Blodgett became the most popular grunt in the platoon. - added 11/11/2003 1:43:26 AMThe quantum physicist, an asshole, glued the final piece of cotton onto his doomsday device. - added 11/11/2003 1:30:17 AMDear AcmeShorts.com - added 11/4/2003 2:52:54 PMIn certain indigenous Amazon tribes... - added 11/4/2003 2:41:18 PMWally couldn't understand it. - added 10/2/2003 5:38:36 PMFrank was hungry as beat all. - added 9/19/2003 12:23:32 AM"I now channel every ounce of creative energy into my romantic relationships," Al Pacino replied in a salty baritone. - added 9/18/2003 11:22:22 PMThe Cherrybird’s body coiled up tight as he tracked the softball’s homeward arc. - added 8/8/2003 6:46:38 AMSay, I wonder what all those people at the water cooler are talking about... - added 8/7/2003 9:10:17 AMThe Clapp & Treat salesman rang up my “Ugly Stick” fishing rod. - added 8/4/2003 11:52:18 AMMy feet were hot with sweat inside the vinyl feet of my one-piece jammies. - added 8/4/2003 11:51:25 AMVader strode confidently into Operations. - added 8/4/2003 11:49:45 AMThat's right, baby, I got what you want - added 7/21/2003 7:20:49 PMJack Sapien, Head of Central American Financial Risk Assessment at Kemper Peat Marwick Group, burst into the pup tent. - added 7/21/2003 6:58:58 PMSmitty came in and headed straight for the kegerator. - added 7/21/2003 1:01:14 AMI still think about my first fuck. - added 7/16/2003 2:45:44 PMTino cranked the volume and floored it. - added 7/10/2003 3:09:47 PMThe Delorean's door gulled open in a cold white cloud. - added 7/2/2003 11:47:13 AMJeffords checked his monogrammed chronograph for the tenth time in an hour. - added 6/27/2003 8:33:51 AMTubman sweated garlic juice off his fat fucking belly... - added 6/26/2003 11:07:42 PMAdolf Hitler looked at his watch - added 6/22/2003 2:39:21 PM“This isn’t a game, dammit! This is serious!” - added 6/12/2003 12:43:05 PMLonnie Isosceles peered into the mirror at the electric wound still suppurating on his forehead. - added 6/12/2003 12:16:34 PMThe electromagnetic field surrounding the atoms that comprised Pantagruel’s fingertips - added 6/11/2003 4:19:42 PMThe Monolith had not always been here. - added 6/11/2003 12:51:40 PMLong, hard and full of seamen, the Los Angeles class submarine Nimitz sliced through the icy water... - added 6/4/2003 6:49:32 AM"Whoa, TMI" - added 5/16/2003 12:04:11 PMThe Talosian, that nutty alien species with an ass for a head - added 5/15/2003 3:23:16 PMTime Out New York - added 5/11/2003 12:55:23 AM“I now call to disorder the 225th Annual Gala of the New York Society of Scatological Illuminati!” - added 5/6/2003 11:23:28 AMI cannot stand the stench of your lies. - added 5/5/2003 10:37:09 PMYour marcomm is ineffectual, you worthless little prick, you pustule. - added 4/22/2003 5:05:12 PMIt's Easter Sunday, and as usual I’m ovulating. - added 4/21/2003 8:54:22 AMIt was Homecoming at Kaypee Middle School, and someone was going to get fingered. - added 4/15/2003 9:13:29 AMThe Horny Professor dug a fossil out of the dusty earth. - added 4/10/2003 10:42:00 AM“Steely” Dan Rather crammed his blunt-object face between my legs and went to work on my cunt. - added 4/7/2003 12:57:00 PM“Sit on it, Potsie!” - added 3/27/2003 10:00:00 AM“I don’t care if everyone hates me, as long as they respect me,” said Kurdish Jerry - added 3/17/2003 4:21:00 PM“The Kid is scraping bottom,” Manfredi said to no one in particular. - added 3/14/2003 7:15:00 PMOZ Fan Fiction William Faulkner downed the last of the bourbon - added 3/5/2003 2:25:00 PMYou get a lot of pussy in my line of work. - added 3/4/2003 10:14:00 AMSenator Gore Gravy (R – OR) adjusted his reading glasses and regarded the embossed card: - added 3/2/2003 11:10:00 PMThere was only one thing more important to Professor Giles... - added 2/26/2003 8:24:00 AMMy feelings about the pornographic PowerPoint presentation were twofold. - added 2/25/2003 1:27:00 PMPresident Bush adjusted his posture and stepped up to the podium.
- added 2/25/2003 11:43:00 AMI sharpened the business end of my broadsword on the southeast corner of my bronze age dwelling... - added 2/24/2003 4:08:00 PMSaddam Hussein raised his rifle in the air with one hand... - added 2/23/2003 1:31:00 PMDylan dropped the faggot of two-by-fours to the ground. - added 2/4/2003 3:08:00 PMLance unscrewed the cap on the large tub of paste. - added 12/20/2002 12:44:00 PMSpud Rogen picked a large hunk of gefilte fish from between his healthy kike teeth. - added 12/16/2002 1:14:00 PMDraped in cheap chamois, Chamberlain strolled behind the easels... - added 8/20/2002Fuck almighty, soliloquized the actor who had once played a lead character... - added 8/20/2002Tacking yarward, the Count of Monte Cristo drew up alongside the merchant vessel... - added 8/20/2002Esther Sweetbread, enfrocked in her fluffiest white trousseau... - added 8/20/2002Somewhere out in our television audience - added 8/20/2002Snow felt his blood boil. - added 7/24/2002 11:14:00 AMBill Knott, obscure American poet, wiped the sweat off his brow and looked at the digital display. - added 7/15/2002 5:49:00 PMBetween the botched Powerpoint presentation and the strip club incident… - added 6/2/2002 10:29:00 PMIn the end, life is an endless contest between your ego and pain. - added 5/15/2002 3:25:00 PMYour hands stink of chives - added 5/15/2002 2:49:00 PMJack had been in the market for a new mattress for some time. - added 5/7/2002 10:39:00 AMBrad Evans bounced baby Tellulah on his knee. - added 4/25/2002 5:25:00 PMYou're not the captain of this tennis team yet, Cantrell! - added 4/24/2002 11:40:00 PMI've just trained my gigantic boner ray on the city of Poopopolis - added 4/24/2002 11:10:00 PMArtTron IV sipped from its plastic goblet of chilled chardonnay... - added 4/22/2002 3:34:00 PMPierre Emantal had harvested many fine pelts that season. - added 4/15/2002 10:50:00 PMChuck Spasnowski, a warlock out of Queens, choked down some Sanka... - added 3/30/2002Sean Connery pulled down his plaited gabardine trousers... - added 3/30/2002Upjohn Dillforth wandered the loamy meadows... - added 3/30/2002There are any number of distinguished explanations... - added 12/13/2001 11:03:00 AMHalt, Jaerrold, halt! - added 5/13/2001 5:30:00 PMThe mayor of the decaying urban center fingered the fine gold chain… - added earlierIt was ever so difficult for Winslow, an exceedingly sensitive boy - added earlier"Let the Nuremberg trials begin," cried the small claims judge. - added earlier"Do you like games," asked the ectomorph in the black turtleneck - added earlierJonny Droppings, a technical school dropout - added earlier"You've no right!" declared the indignant eighteenth century merchant. - added earlier"Rub me there again, Aunty," said Self-Inflicted Jones - added earlierI will always be the butcher's son - added earlierEminent Egyptologist Fitzhume Tweevil applied to his rumpled scrotum a
generous dollop of the feebleminded shaman's magic balm. - added earlierThe priceless Ming vase was broken. - added earlierMankind at last eradicated the stain of original sin. - added earlierInstinctively, Jennings itched the fresh belly wound. - added earlier
