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© 2010 AcmeShorts
Updated: 8/29/2005
Current Quarter: Q2FY11
Total Shorts: 3,190
Author profile: Ewan Snow
Ewan Snow's Personalized Author Rankings:
Ewan Snow's Personalized Guest Rankings (top 15 only, min. 3 votes):
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Freshest Short: Five Hundred Times Sharper than Steel
Author Preference for Ewan Snow:
Guest Preference for Ewan Snow (top 10 only, min 3 votes): Recent Message Board Posts from Ewan Snow: re: TEST! TEST! re: Any fantastic ideas? Any fantastic ideas? re: Do you guys like shorts?
Five Hundred Times Sharper than Steel - added 3/19/2010 11:44:15 AMFor Whom the Stew Tolls - added 3/19/2010 10:52:09 AMDo Android Hillbillies Fuck Electric Sheep?
- added 8/21/2009 10:49:21 PMDIY - added 3/26/2009 5:39:01 PMI keep my mind in my brain - added 8/27/2008 10:16:23 PMHumidor - added 4/12/2008 5:16:23 PM“You managed to get into my office, Mr. Phlonthonth, you've got two minutes. What's your pitch?” - added 4/12/2008 5:14:21 PMDubya slid onto my sofa - added 12/9/2007 8:33:16 PMFYI - added 4/15/2007 8:21:18 PMI ordered another Dust Cloud... - added 2/21/2007 11:31:25 AMHealthcare Provider - added 5/16/2006 12:13:46 PM“These attempts at defining reality... - added 10/25/2005 1:26:03 PMFact - added 10/24/2005 4:35:29 PM“This isn’t my dog.” - added 10/17/2005 9:45:33 PMI am going to write about my true feelings. - added 10/14/2005 8:27:46 PMIt started off... - added 10/6/2005 12:09:26 PMI have notions about myself which you may find ridiculous - added 9/26/2005 8:05:19 PMPortrait of a Marriage - added 9/19/2005 8:55:21 PM"Classify yourself" - added 9/19/2005 8:42:57 PMTime is But a Nut Cake - added 9/19/2005 8:37:48 PMMemoir Excerpt - added 9/11/2005 8:40:13 PMWill you help me work on my act? - added 8/31/2005 9:48:02 PMIt Turned Cold - added 8/9/2005 1:35:26 PMWomyn's Lib - added 8/3/2005 5:48:37 PMI have peculiar habits... - added 7/29/2005 7:49:20 PM“Okay folks, it’s time to listen to me..." - added 6/23/2005 9:59:04 PMTwo people walked down the street. - added 6/10/2005 10:37:27 PMEgg Martini - added 6/10/2005 10:33:08 PMBefore the time of yore... - added 6/10/2005 10:21:47 PMChapter CMXXIV - added 4/21/2005 11:24:01 PMChapter CMXXIV - added 4/12/2005 3:04:38 PMOn account of his adventures on the raft with Jim - added 4/12/2005 2:57:33 PMSupply and Demand - added 4/4/2005 3:34:34 PMNude Descending a Staircase - added 3/23/2005 11:05:41 AMBeardsley - added 3/18/2005 12:21:24 PMA Love for Fool - added 3/18/2005 10:45:52 AMSelected Shorts - added 3/18/2005 10:39:31 AMA Picasso - added 3/2/2005 11:52:23 PMI always do jobs on foot. - added 3/2/2005 11:43:51 PMI don’t presume to tell you your business. - added 1/20/2005 9:15:18 PMuntitled - added 1/20/2005 9:13:27 PMI’m not willing to compromise. - added 1/20/2005 7:38:07 PMA dense and wild forest... - added 1/20/2005 7:20:32 PMButch pulled off his cap... - added 1/20/2005 11:32:47 AMWho wrote this one? - added 1/19/2005 1:45:04 PMThe gay godfather - added 1/3/2005 10:54:42 PMI was having an existential crisis... - added 12/30/2004 9:56:28 PMThe Plot Against Tatooine - added 12/20/2004 6:38:29 PMI peeled off my sock and examined the large open sore on my instep. - added 12/2/2004 4:53:36 PMPrelude to a Regret - added 12/1/2004 9:32:23 PMConsider this its epitaph. - added 11/22/2004 7:33:26 PMThe Stench of the Soil - added 11/12/2004 4:37:04 PMI’m building a small wooden box in which I intend to spend the rest of my life. - added 11/4/2004 7:20:08 PM“Hey, Greco, why the dumb face?” - added 10/12/2004 8:02:12 PMWhat if they invented a force field? - added 10/12/2004 7:52:09 PM“I feel like a failure.” - added 8/13/2004 5:31:07 PMI got a new doctor, a lady doctor, and even though she wasn’t all that hot, she really turned me on. - added 7/26/2004 5:47:02 PMThe Old Man flaked the crusty net onto the deck. - added 7/15/2004 10:31:02 AMThe Ancient Order of Acme - added 6/23/2004 8:06:20 PM“When I look back at the slow shady days of childhood..." - added 6/16/2004 2:17:41 PMLoneliness waits in quiet corridors - added 6/16/2004 2:12:26 PMThe volcanic swelter... - added 6/11/2004 10:49:54 AMSylvia pulled out her tampon and threw it in the trash. - added 6/9/2004 1:44:31 PM“Imagine the story of a man..." - added 5/21/2004 7:50:40 PMDr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. - added 5/20/2004 11:26:26 PMMetamorphosis - added 4/12/2004 2:48:43 PMWhen Sonia arrived in New York, Penn Station was nearly deserted. - added 4/4/2004 2:41:40 PMGeneral Choade spent the afternoon trying to weaponize his wife. - added 3/17/2004 9:25:47 PM“Hey, Crackers, why are you squatting down there with my keepsakes?” - added 3/16/2004 8:15:18 PM“Yeah, LunkLink used to write good shorts... - added 3/16/2004 8:04:09 PM“How many rocks do you have there... - added 3/16/2004 7:48:34 PMWhenever I hear somebody refer to a vagina... - added 3/12/2004 10:10:59 PMJoke - added 3/11/2004 8:47:14 PMGood Luck - added 3/9/2004 8:48:12 PMPlanned Neglect - added 2/27/2004 7:41:30 PMUntitled - added 2/18/2004 9:45:35 PMFragment 7a - added 2/15/2004 8:03:40 PM“Hello, Frankie, how was school?” - added 2/6/2004 12:57:13 PM“This marriage isn’t working, Otto..." - added 1/26/2004 12:31:36 PMHemorrhoid Story - added 1/23/2004 2:35:59 PMI rode into Carson City with a pocketful of silver... - added 1/15/2004 5:56:14 PMJen and I knew it was gonna be lame... - added 1/15/2004 11:54:57 AM“Horny thoughts, expressed in the clearest and plainest of terms..." - added 1/1/2004 6:24:28 PMImmured within the high walls... - added 12/29/2003 1:06:58 PMLike the Cockroach it Was - added 12/6/2003 5:42:30 PMDear Rita, - added 12/6/2003 5:39:04 PMMittens - added 12/6/2003 5:35:15 PMCoup D’Tocqueville knew all the angles... - added 12/3/2003 11:45:39 PMInside his immaculate fortress... - added 11/26/2003 10:41:33 AMMonday morning cigarette smoke... - added 10/1/2003 2:13:16 PMThe Pontifex Maximus took off his pointy hat - added 9/22/2003 11:57:50 AMThe moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life will never come - added 9/20/2003 9:43:03 PMFlax Garvy chined the spring pig... - added 9/19/2003 1:59:15 PM“Construction paper puppets, oak tag tigers… - added 9/16/2003 5:44:18 PMTrue Story -- 1985 - added 9/5/2003 7:00:38 PMThe Dinner Party - added 9/3/2003 8:54:36 PMOh, dear me, dear me! - added 9/2/2003 10:31:06 AM“Communication” + “Unity” = “Community” - added 8/27/2003 10:33:15 PMTenka Schperdorf plied her wares down by the harbor of nights. - added 8/27/2003 10:06:17 PMFunny Short - added 8/27/2003 9:46:00 PMPortrait of the Artist - added 8/24/2003 9:33:51 AMA Long Time Coming - added 8/23/2003 11:52:06 PMTrue Story – Fall Semester, 1990 - added 8/22/2003 10:38:33 PMWe set up base camp at twenty-five thousand feet. - added 8/10/2003 12:16:27 PMThe street looked dirty and there weren’t many people out. - added 8/7/2003 10:10:50 PM“Oh God!” screamed Bud. “I got here as fast as I could." - added 8/6/2003 10:46:34 PM“Tarpit Crapulenza said this place was real horny” - added 8/4/2003 10:22:57 PMRegular Space Fan Fiction - added 7/30/2003 9:53:05 PMMeltdown Permanente crapped religious... - added 7/27/2003 5:44:08 PMIf only to be held, to be loved… - added 7/27/2003 5:25:29 PMStar Wars Fan Sonnet #119 - added 7/24/2003 9:38:05 PMOld School Short - added 7/17/2003 8:56:58 PMLost and Found Short Short - added 7/12/2003 11:21:33 PM“Are you almost done?” - added 7/1/2003 10:21:17 PMfonnet Infcribed on a Time-fwept ftone - added 6/22/2003 3:59:15 PM“Let h represent all your hopes and dreams... - added 6/22/2003 12:50:09 PMChaco slipped into his bib - added 6/11/2003 9:26:32 PMCrème Fresh zipped up his pants... - added 6/9/2003 11:27:32 PMThe little river bubbled over the pebbles at the bend... - added 5/28/2003 11:06:46 AMCramped “Quarters” Chromatone rotated the plus-sized BenWa balls... - added 5/21/2003 10:39:41 AMDearest Philippe, Don’t hate me! - added 5/18/2003 4:29:58 PM“Should tillers of soil despair at the weight of life?” - added 5/16/2003 3:55:48 PMOrdinary claims require ordinary proof - added 5/16/2003 11:48:25 AM“Lorgnette never liked you, Drake... - added 5/14/2003 10:52:14 PMFeedbag Jefferson spent the night guzzling Dr. Pepper - added 5/14/2003 10:38:52 PMFirst You Get The Truck - added 4/11/2003 5:00:00 PMDedication - added 4/10/2003 11:26:00 AMOn Failure in the Acme Community, A Scathing Indictment Down by the lakefront the grass gets deep - added 4/9/2003 9:10:00 PM“What’s your major?” - added 4/9/2003 11:09:00 AMPascal Devonshire fantasized about taking a radial saw to his skull - added 4/7/2003 11:18:00 AM“Desperate times call for desperate clocks” - added 3/26/2003 10:02:00 PMA Scene (Re-imagined by Ewan Snow) That Actually Happened (According to Phony Millions) - added 3/21/2003 9:42:00 AMShe walked into my office carrying a small silver platter on which - added 3/15/2003“Nurse, I need suction.” - added 3/14/2003“I imagine a world full of hope..." - added 2/26/2003 9:39:00 PM“Low-rent mystery cults can’t hold a shit wick to our sacred demiurge..." - added 2/26/2003 8:29:00 PMReginald slipped his sweaty hands into the back pockets of his Geranimals - added 2/25/2003 6:47:00 PMBy relegating Constantine to the position of Rear Admiral... - added 2/24/2003 6:08:00 PMDoctor, doctor, what's the news? - added 2/24/2003 3:56:00 PMI knew you'd never pull through for me. Duncan always said you were a creep. - added 2/23/2003 11:50:00 PMI feel so emotional sometimes. - added 2/21/2003 6:01:00 PMCranium McGee dipped his quill in ox blood, despite the warnings of corrosion offered by his art instructor. - added 2/21/2003 6:00:00 PMWith an admirable
disregard for public opinion, Dylan
and Jon Frenched at the bar. - added 2/5/2003 1:07:00 AMLola Bung-Hilda, the beautiful heiress to a wooden denture fortune… - added 12/20/2002 2:56:00 PMThe concierge, Leland McCormick, stood at his station with stiff resolve. - added 12/15/2002 11:26:00 PMBehind a rusty dumpster, beneath a wet limp sheet of cardboard… - added 12/9/2002 3:01:00 PMDylan Zimmerman felt claustrophobic as he strolled down lower Broadway - added 12/6/2002 3:09:00 PMFrank knew what was beeswax and what was mumbo-fucking-jumbo. - added 11/5/2002Benjamin McGory didn’t believe in second chances. - added 9/21/2002He whistled the Family anthem. - added 8/20/2002All of his best ideas were id oriented, know what I mean. - added 8/20/2002Lush vegetation encroached on a small clearing dappled in summer sun. - added 8/20/2002When Edna realized the their hopes were dashed, she decided to sell her shares in Martin’s youth orchestra. - added 8/20/2002Young Desmond Oliphant craved cock. - added 8/20/2002Call upon your minions to whisper dark lies in your ears, Lucullus - added 8/20/2002Where Dildo’s Dare - A Blowjob in Four Lines - added 8/20/2002Only through torture could Herbert find pleasure. - added 8/1/2002Kronos Regalia led his guests through the hedge maze - added 7/11/2002I lounged on the beach, following the adventures of David Copperfield. - added 7/8/2002 6:38:00 PMWhat can we learn about ourselves by investigating our clothes? - added 7/3/2002 2:49:00 PMOnly perfect girls die in ditches. - added 5/19/2002The Funny, Funny Name of Procto Schematticca - added 5/18/2002A Christmas Short Short - added 4/27/2002 5:01:00 PMRegarding the matter of your grades this semester - added 4/24/2002 10:47:00 PMWhen Eliza discovered that Alfred was inviting that hussy… - added 4/24/2002 9:36:00 PMThe boardroom filled up as young Riechek plugged his laptop into the projector. - added 4/24/2002 9:36:00 PMI was once told of an old man who lived in East Granby... - added 4/16/2002 12:08:00 AMOnce Fredrick decided that Eileen was dead to him, he wasted no time in plotting her murder. - added 4/15/2002 11:51:00 PMEdward held the Wet-Wet Suzy doll over her face... - added 4/15/2002 11:42:00 PMJerry finished his coffee and asked for the check. - added 4/11/2002Sally put her hand on Dusty’s cheek. - added 3/30/2002How dare a pigeon try to pass as a ‘dove’? - added 3/30/2002How many planets and moons are there in the solar system? - added 3/20/2002What happened to little Checter's college fund? - added 5/13/2001 6:31:00 PMOn a certain Satuday in the year of 200- - added 3/5/2000Hello, hello, it’s so nice of you to come. - added 9/11/1999A Parable Without a Message - added 1/26/19967-10 split - added 1/26/1996Parisian Lovescape - added 1/26/1996Ingrid refused to dance on anything but a freshly polished... - added 1/26/1996High Mohs Member - added 1/26/1996The Mad Scientist’s Back Room Dealings - added 1/26/1996The Love You Eat is Equal to the Love You Shit - added 1/26/1996Another Bad Poem by Another Lazy Poet - added 1/26/1996Tender Anymore - added 1/26/1996No single humanoid is better than any other single humanoid! - added earlierThere is little hope of ever making filthy each clean new - added earlierWhen Knanslaw’s habituator petered out... - added earlierWhat if I start to feel emotions? - added earlierLacking the necessary enzymes to digest the entire rabbit at once… - added earlierUp in the mountains above Hallowed Creek… - added earlierWhy won't you believe me? - added earlierWhat weighs more, a ton of bricks, or a metric tonne of bricks? - added earlierWhat's the secret to your success, Mr Sternum? - added earlierWe live in a tender, weakened now, - added earlier
