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© 2010 AcmeShorts
Updated: 8/29/2005
Current Quarter: Q2FY11
Total Shorts: 3,190
Author profile: Jon Matza
Jon Matza's Personalized Author Rankings:
Jon Matza's Personalized Guest Rankings (top 15 only, min. 3 votes):
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Freshest Short: Listen up, bitches...
Author Preference for Jon Matza:
Guest Preference for Jon Matza (top 10 only, min 3 votes): Recent Message Board Posts from Jon Matza: re: The J-Dog's Guide to the 2010 Kentuc... (no subject) re: hey disney premium Zimdan re: Gentlemen, have...
Listen up, bitches... - added 4/28/2010 10:25:25 AMLooking in the mirror, I turned a sardonic eye on my eye. - added 9/28/2009 10:07:01 AMPony’s Soliloquy - added 7/18/2009 1:03:48 PMGood News Much? - added 6/8/2009 12:45:19 AMStirring the sauce in an x-rated, counterclockwise motion, Bamberg smiled meaningfully at the girl on his couch. - added 4/7/2009 12:49:39 PMOften The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others... - added 5/12/2008 10:25:14 AMI needed a logo and I needed it fast. - added 2/7/2008 10:09:59 AMI awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. - added 12/11/2007 9:45:47 PMCouldn't help feeling bad for her standing alone at a party like that... - added 11/16/2007 11:43:42 AMJollys Comix - added 9/18/2005 1:14:25 PMThree Birds... - added 9/6/2005 1:28:57 PM“Say”, Authors? - added 9/2/2005 8:13:21 PMRivulets of oleaginous perspiration cascaded down Will Disney’s enormous chest and quadricep muscles onto the deck of the Jolly Mackerel ... - added 8/24/2005 11:57:26 PM"I have procured a small bird," said Daddy Turlus. - added 8/23/2005 12:03:26 PMSexy blonde 5'6" SWF... - added 7/31/2005 11:59:10 AM“Damian’s taking a mental!” - added 7/29/2005 12:54:58 PMDear Dr. Virakrishira... - added 7/13/2005 6:03:02 PMMy name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. - added 7/12/2005 11:11:30 PMOnce upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. - added 7/9/2005 11:24:27 PM"James...do you find me attractive?" - added 7/8/2005 12:47:26 AMIn the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing! James…do you find me attractive? - added 6/29/2005 7:41:39 PMHomosexuality may refer to a sexual orientation characterized by... - added 6/26/2005 12:08:12 PMOoh! Oww! Oooh! - added 6/16/2005 1:35:39 PMI don't know about the other guys on this site--but I feel less concerned about "yesterdays" than I do about "tomorrows"! - added 6/12/2005 1:38:47 PMyou are a cunt - added 6/9/2005 11:52:24 AMHave you tried Vaginol, Sherri? - added 6/8/2005 2:38:26 AMMy feelings were hurt again, and this time it wasn't just the name calling. - added 6/6/2005 6:14:05 PMIf you grew up on the East Coast, chances are... - added 5/27/2005 6:39:50 PM"If God really exists as described in the Bible, why doesn't He just prove it?" - added 5/22/2005 1:23:49 PMLittle Elsie looked so pretty standing at the corner in her red dress... - added 5/20/2005 11:58:03 AMI'd like to extend my gratitude to each of you... - added 4/18/2005 6:11:31 PMThe purpose of this short, reader... - added 4/1/2005 9:29:31 PMFather walked towards me slowly, brandishing a straight-edge razor. - added 4/1/2005 6:58:01 PMThis is the story of Genry Iosconturo. - added 3/24/2005 1:38:48 PMIf you asked Bates... - added 3/17/2005 10:27:11 PMMy name is Gerald Durmursenton... - added 3/4/2005 7:08:12 PMThe Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta - added 2/22/2005 8:25:57 PMBrowse Shorts by: - added 2/21/2005 7:03:13 PMThe middling ghost haunted the not particularly desolate moor with its customary apathy. - added 2/9/2005 11:46:22 PMThe Chinaman was up to something devious... - added 2/7/2005 2:12:26 AMAs a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. - added 1/28/2005 8:15:17 PMMadman and Beav - added 1/20/2005 11:55:17 PMBen's Boner - added 1/14/2005 10:06:36 AMUnderstanding Comics Even Better - added 1/6/2005 4:31:27 PMSnorgshank the Barbarian sank his broadsword deep into the orc king's flesh-hole. - added 1/1/2005 1:03:48 PMDon't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. - added 12/24/2004 11:41:11 PMWhen last call finally came around Chaperón Jiménez was mindful to wait ten full Mississippis before slithering up to the underage skank at the bar. - added 12/14/2004 2:17:16 PMI woke up this morning with amnesia. - added 12/3/2004 8:28:39 PMWill Disney looked at the authors' left hand menu... - added 11/29/2004 11:52:17 PMMany adults complain today's youngsters lack respect for authority... - added 11/16/2004 11:20:42 PMThree non-tenured individuals sat side by side in Room C. - added 11/4/2004 9:56:20 PMAll about eggs! - added 11/2/2004 7:14:43 PMPoor Horace...! Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. - added 10/20/2004 1:42:24 PMA Treatise on Horror - added 10/20/2004 1:37:07 PMYurndt breaks silence, weighs in - added 10/17/2004 5:37:08 PMBilly Crystal felt hot tears roll down the bridge of his nose and into the space once occupied by his stupid beard. - added 10/14/2004 2:21:16 AMThe thrill was gone. - added 10/7/2004 9:59:05 PMMatza short magically prophesizes Fall of Acme - added 10/1/2004 12:04:08 AMGolden shafts of sunlight danced sirloinly in the autumn air as the villagers sought to reap the bounty of their rad harvest. - added 10/1/2004 12:04:08 AMYou wanted a short, Disney? - added 9/25/2004 2:41:40 AMAcquaintances and friends alike constantly ask me, "How do you manage to lead such a comfortable lifestyle yet still maintain financial stability?" - added 9/12/2004 12:42:40 PMI stared down at my naked, prostrate wife with shock, disbelief and revulsion. - added 8/27/2004 5:49:48 PM"This '44 Schlumberger has a real Goebbels thing going on", I said slicing a razor thin section from the Jew eyeball I was enjoying with a bit of aged Explorateur. - added 8/12/2004 2:47:45 PMAt first William Warren didn't understand what Todd Tanner meant by "Bring your rubber hole." - added 8/9/2004 1:43:01 PMGregory's Tale - added 8/6/2004 11:56:54 AMThe Forgotten Ones - added 7/31/2004 6:23:40 PM"She did it again!" - added 7/30/2004 2:10:48 PMHow was I to know when I slipped the headphones on that a screaming onslaught of machine gun guitar licks would fly off the strings of Jimmy Page’s Stratocaster... - added 7/22/2004 3:48:26 PMIt was hard to deny that my extreme anal makeover had been something of a lemon. - added 7/19/2004 1:58:46 PMMatza's Monolith Discourse sets off a mint furore - added 7/13/2004 2:08:05 PMLeila and Jeffrey's long-smoldering attraction wasn't rekindled by one single glance--it was ignited into a blazing fireball. - added 6/28/2004 1:26:30 PM37-yard attempt - added 6/17/2004 2:36:01 AMOne Fine Day in the Park - added 6/8/2004 2:46:14 AMThe Mindscapes of Charles Czynski - added 6/4/2004 4:01:07 PMI sat waiting in the audience at the Lafeteria for one reason and one reason only: to even the score with Jolly Jamie Jinkles. - added 6/3/2004 3:02:02 PM"Three Terrible Tales of Sorrow" - added 5/11/2004 3:09:35 AM"Where did all the other celebrants go?" wondered Sherwoode upon returning from the garden. - added 5/9/2004 12:28:53 PMSweet wings - added 4/27/2004 1:34:58 PMFence Guy - added 4/20/2004 7:31:53 PM"There remain some possibilities for a rational explanation," I began. - added 4/16/2004 12:13:29 PMTexxx/Cabot Suicide Note - added 4/15/2004 7:15:11 PMMuch humor can be gleaned from the anecdote I am about to relate to you which pertains to a conversation that took place between a horse and a cow. - added 4/14/2004 2:45:45 PMRonus (the red one) and Rodus (the blue one) had been waiting for what seemed like hours. - added 4/8/2004 5:10:34 PMSatan had a problem. - added 4/8/2004 12:26:45 AM"Congratulations, Mrs. Numan. Your baby is a healthy six pounds, three ounces." - added 3/30/2004 5:09:35 PMDude, you fucked up BIG TIME by not going to Shaun Belorus's party last weekend. - added 3/29/2004 11:16:21 AMThe most fascinating conversation of all time was occurring live on broadcast TV. - added 3/20/2004 5:57:10 PMThese two are the best buddies I - added 3/17/2004 9:54:03 AMBoarding the elevator to the 37th floor, I was deeply engrossed in thinking about the various nuances of my pain. - added 3/10/2004 5:58:18 PM"What's in the bag?" - added 3/3/2004 1:03:35 PMLadies, have a heart, now. - added 2/28/2004 12:36:04 AMThough far from sentimental, Judge Arthur Windsor-Withers found himself deeply moved by the heft and sway of Mrs. Peggins' enormous thighs. - added 2/22/2004 11:48:38 PMI've worked with junior high kids for over fifteen years now, and I have a confession to make: I probably learn more from these youngsters than they ever learn from me! - added 2/17/2004 10:35:00 PM"Afternoon, Dr. Rivington." - added 2/16/2004 11:31:47 PMPressure me all you want; I will show you my erection on a need-to-know basis only. - added 2/7/2004 12:10:33 AMI've been varying my workouts a lot lately. - added 2/2/2004 4:29:58 PMall about potatos! - added 2/2/2004 3:46:56 PMMy kudos itched. - added 1/22/2004 11:47:55 AM"Move away from the retard." - added 1/18/2004 1:20:02 PMI've made some pretty stupid blunders in my day, but nothing compared to the time I accidentally shot myself in the balls! - added 1/13/2004 6:22:25 PMA few pebbles lay in the dirt near the base of the church gate. - added 1/6/2004 1:39:46 AM"I was wrong when I called you the stupidest child I ever met," I said, lashing the terrified boy to the side of the boat. - added 12/30/2003 2:11:39 PMWithin a matter of days you - the Acmeshorts community - will molest me and threaten to kill me if I tell my parents. - added 12/18/2003 8:00:15 PMFolks, I'm not going to lie to you: I can get you a great deal on just about any popular high-end software package. - added 12/15/2003 2:15:06 PM"Never again shall the mighty ones be assailed," I suavely asserted. - added 12/9/2003 11:56:39 AM"Oooh!" - added 12/4/2003 9:01:17 PMJohnny Jinky was majorly pumped. - added 12/1/2003 11:47:01 PMCaptain McBarton hadn't seen a storm like this since his ill-fated stint as first mate on the Jolly Jimson during the Great Monsoon of Calcutta. - added 11/26/2003 3:22:12 PMI think we should totally be more open to the things around us in general! - added 11/11/2003 9:33:03 PMAlzheimer disease is a degenerative disorder of the brain! - added 11/4/2003 2:32:55 PMToo often we find ourselves in situations that we would have preferred to have avoided! - added 10/21/2003 1:19:06 AMAirea lays inside his/herself at the bottom of his/her stomach - added 10/7/2003 2:22:40 PM6 p.m., VIP Pub. - added 10/2/2003 2:36:00 PM'Asea Again' - added 9/10/2003 9:39:09 AM“Could I please have a boat, Santa?” - added 8/24/2003 1:17:20 PMEgg Jenny reached into her panties and pulled out another handful of warm egg salad. - added 8/8/2003 12:06:55 PMA series of sharp reports echoed through the air as I hammered my great cock against the table. - added 7/29/2003 6:56:21 PM"Long time no see, friend!" - added 7/9/2003 12:17:16 PMIn a flash, Ranford made up his mind: he would decline to comment. - added 6/21/2003 2:06:02 PMDan hit Jack in the gut. Pow! - added 6/9/2003 10:15:08 PMAs his friends reached out one by one towards family and domesticity... - added 5/15/2003 11:57:34 AM"Oh, that's right, Susie...you've never been to Club Tre-chique!" - added 5/1/2003 5:51:13 PMI sat trembling. My cumulative author ranking had gone down... - added 4/22/2003 12:54:39 PMA classroom full of well-behaved students sat quietly. - added 4/20/2003 5:56:46 PMEveryone thinks they are so smart reading and writing these short shorts, but I wonder... - added 4/14/2003With infinite guile, "Banny" Slumaski bit several pieces of dead skin off the tips of his fingers and arranged the detritus on the arm of his chair in a semicircle. - added 4/11/2003Little Joe had booted another grounder, an easy one this time, and my patience was wearing thin. - added 3/31/2003Phineas got up... - added 3/24/2003Ron Porton: This always happens. - added 3/16/2003 6:20:00 PMA fluffy, adorable little baby bunny named Bunny Wunny... - added 3/11/2003 10:51:00 PMAt last the door gave way, and Johansson breathlessly burst into the room. - added 2/23/2003 1:17:00 PMWith dread, I regarded the Chalice of Og'Bthulon. - added 12/20/2002 4:18:00 PMSeater stood in a slightly crouched postition, thigh muscles rippling… - added 8/6/2002 2:21:00 PMIt was our honeymoon. - added 7/8/2002 12:28:00 PMAn unspecified number of individuals were engaging in… - added 6/3/2002 12:09:00 PMUpon walking into Levitz and finding the Colonial settees of yesteryear… - added 4/25/2002 11:36:00 AMEven the most hardened criminal needs some code to live by. - added earlierNumbers are down for July...and this concerns me. - added earlierWhat? - added earlierPlease pass the potato chips - added earlierHow glad I am! - added earlierWhy must she always fixate on what I do wrong, mused Bob, - added earlierCollins carefully rubbed the stone tablet with cotton pads dipped in alcohol. - added earlier
