Some of the vinyl siding on the new addition to my house got blown to shit in the hurricane, and I sure as hell don't have the cash for any replacement panels. What I do have is a shitload of lightweight spackle left over from the pool job, so I figure what the hell, I'll spackle my fucking house up.
So I'm halfway through the job when I see a family of cats living in my foundation!
"Get the fuck out of here, you shitbirds," I say, flinging a handful of spackle at them.
They just move farther back into the hole where I can't see them. There's no fucking way I'm going to stand for those dickwads pissing up my foundation, but I can't get in there to strangle them. Then I remember that one of the little Mexicans who worked on my pool said he bred snakes. I call him up, figuring I can buy a couple of fucking cobras to take care of these jerks.
The Mexican doesn't have any cobras, but he does have a mean ass pit viper he says he can let me have for only fifty bucks. I say sure and he brings it over in a burlap bag. Then I dump it through the hole in my house and spackle it over.
Which brings us to this morning. I'm having my wakeup dump and a joint when I look out the bathroom window and see something on the patio. I wipe a couple times and go downstairs, and sure enough, it's that fucking pit viper! He's out there sunning himself on the flagstones. He thinks my patio's fucking Coney Island! And I know he hasn't killed those goddamn cats because he doesn't look like a sock with a pile of shit stuffed inside it. I watch TV.
"Hey, you stupid jerk," I say, walking over. "Get back to work, you lazy fucking spic viper!"
I give the asshole a kick to let him know I mean business, and he makes this faggy lisping sound, like, "Oh, you woke me up, I'm tired."
"Don't give me that shit, you legless pussy, go eat some fucking cats!"
I flick my joint at him. He opens one eye and just looks at me. Totally fucking clueless.
"You know what you look like, sitting there in the sun, you fucking douchebag? You look like a big stupid cock! Is that what you are? A big stupid cock?"
I take my dick out and crouch down next to him, waving it in his face.
"Oh! I'm a big stupid cock, sunning myself in the fucking sun, look at me, look at--
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 9/5/2007 3:51:15 PM - Mr. Joshua: Why does this short just stop in the middle? I'm all like waiting for the pay-off? Hello? 8/31/2007 3:06:53 PM - TheBuyer (): spackle. f u. 8/30/2007 2:18:15 PM - Dylan Danko (): This short is totally silly. 8/22/2007 4:13:02 PM - Dick Vomit (): At last! 8/22/2007 4:09:12 PM - Mr. Pony (): Hey, that sound was me laughing out loud. 8/21/2007 7:32:44 PM - Master Bates (): Yay!! 8/21/2007 11:36:48 AM - Will Disney (): A joy to read.
): spackle. f u.