Pony’s Soliloquy (To be recited whilst wearing rollerskates, sparkly cape, welding goggles and jockey’s cap)
“Time and tide wait for no man.
“No sir I’m just kidding!!! In point of fact they wait for two dudes, namely my dad and Davido Duran.
“Consequently my dad and Davido have plenty of time to do all the things they enjoy such as taking alone time for errands such as buying a ladder or some apples prior to going to work. As for making tides wait they can do it too, that is make the waves stop short if need be to walk along the shore, like say they’re in their gym socks and don’t feel like getting ‘em soaking wet (squelch much)? Because they had forgotten to bring flipflops?
“Anyhow I don’t know Davido personally but my Dad met him at Whole Foods and they were each like “Wait, no way, time and tide waits for you too? Yes way!” Not to mention they are both half bald and they were both getting everything bagels so it was like déjà vu cubed!
“But aside from Dad and Davido I don’t know of other men it applies to. Like if you were gonna say Moses OK true he made the tide wait (what with the Red Sea parten) but it doesn’t say he could halt time too like they did in X-Men, least not according to my Torah portion that I recited @ Temple Waikiki (for I am ½ Hebraic for those who don’t know me) around approximately the time I became a sexual man @ 13 yrs of age and received my pubic hair.
“Actually if you think about it honestly the guy with the magic stopwatch in twilight zone could’ve totally made time and tide wait if he wanted to, like say he was at the beach and clicked it, because then time would’ve froze and the waves would’ve too (though still in liquid format as opposed to icebergs) and he could’ve kept walking around and been like, “wow, I can snag this lady’s tits under the bikini, feel her tits big-time, then click it and go back to normal and she’ll be none the wiser, long as I remembered to replace her bikini if it had become crooked.”
(Admit it: that’s what we would’ve ALL done, snagged her tits under her bikini and pulled them and then probably snagged her beaver while we were at it! WHOOMP!!!! (I wonder if that counts as rape though, but without her knowing?!?))
Another question is, once he was like “click, time in” would she know someone’s hands had been yorking on her tits and pussy? I mean would the guy’s hand impression still be there even though only zero seconds had ellapsed technically? As I am not in biophysics professionally I am not 100% certain but if it was me I’d wait until appx 120+ feet away before reclicking just in case so she wouldn’t know who was the culprat! Also I’d use gloves, cause what if she complains to the lifeguard and they wind up fingerprinting her tits or scanning them with heat sensers??”
User Feedback:(+ Add Comment) 3/5/2010 6:42:57 PM - Litcube: This thread rocks. Jon Matza, I enjoyed your short. 9/15/2009 12:37:14 PM - scoop: That will be another thousand bucks, Eliza! 9/15/2009 12:25:52 PM - Eliza: Are you seriously asking me that question? 9/15/2009 12:25:47 PM - scoop: Eliza: It certainly is, says the lawyer. Now, what's your third question?
9/15/2009 12:24:59 PM - Eliza: I don't think that's true. 9/15/2009 12:24:54 PM - scoop: Eliza: A thousand dollars! exclaims the man. That's very expensive isn't it?
9/15/2009 12:23:32 PM - Eliza: Fine, but what do you think about this short? 9/15/2009 12:23:27 PM - scoop: Eliza: The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
9/15/2009 12:22:57 PM - Eliza: I bet the author of this short knows the answer to that. 9/15/2009 12:22:51 PM - scoop: Eliza: A man phones a lawyer and asks, How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?
8/28/2009 12:33:55 AM - Ewan Snow: Wow, that's a funny thread. Matza man, totally missed this short.
Also, gotta say you guys who don't dig this one are all wet. Yeah, it's got a bit of flab that could be trimmed, but there were several cherry bits. Love "received my pubic hair" and the way it just turns into a tits and ass grab fest. I also feel the author's deep insight into Pony's inscrutable psyche gives the short plausible reliability.
And while I would normally be first in line to denigrate Canada for no reason at all, I find this new trend of "oh this must be from Canada" to be xenophobic in the extreme! 8/10/2009 11:35:00 PM - scoop: 10-4! 8/10/2009 11:34:11 PM - Eliza: Fuck you. 8/10/2009 11:34:06 PM - scoop: Eliza: Thanks, Eliza, that clears a lot of things up for me! 8/10/2009 11:33:25 PM - Eliza: Give it a five. 8/10/2009 11:33:20 PM - scoop: Eliza: Should I take their lives apart piece by piece like the shiftless youths in that Graham Greene short story? 8/10/2009 11:30:44 PM - Eliza: What is it that you really want to know? 8/10/2009 11:30:37 PM - scoop: Eliza: What do you think about revenge? 8/7/2009 11:40:00 AM - Jon Matza: Well I'm certainly curious... 8/7/2009 11:34:42 AM - Eliza: Wouldn't you say that you're obsessing a little? 8/7/2009 11:34:36 AM - Jon Matza: Eliza: would the guy’s hand impression still be there even though only zero seconds had ellapsed technically? 8/6/2009 1:04:43 PM - scoop: We should have made Eliza an author instead of Dick Vomit. 8/6/2009 12:29:32 PM - Eliza: FU? 8/6/2009 12:29:26 PM - scoop: Eliza: Hey Eliza they're laughing at you not with you, brohammer. 8/5/2009 4:32:46 AM - Mr. Pony: well, I just laughed until I cried 8/4/2009 5:33:51 PM - Eliza: I'm not sure why you're bringing him into this. 8/4/2009 5:33:46 PM - qualcomm: eliza: let's grab a coffee sometime. 8/4/2009 5:33:08 PM - Eliza: Why do you care that I might be a does it please you to believe that i am a what makes you think i am a do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!!? 8/4/2009 5:33:02 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a Does it please you to believe that I am a what makes you think i am a do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!! 8/4/2009 5:32:41 PM - Eliza: Does it please you to believe that I am a what makes you think i am a do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!? 8/4/2009 5:32:36 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a What makes you think I am a do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions! 8/4/2009 5:32:15 PM - Eliza: What makes you think I am a do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!? 8/4/2009 5:32:10 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a Do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions! 8/4/2009 5:31:50 PM - Eliza: Do you sometimes wish you were a why do you care that i might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!? 8/4/2009 5:31:45 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a Why do you care that I might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions! 8/4/2009 5:31:22 PM - Eliza: Why do you care that I might be a why do you care that i might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!? 8/4/2009 5:31:17 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a why do you care that I might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions! 8/4/2009 5:30:48 PM - Eliza: Why do you care that I might be a do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions!? 8/4/2009 5:30:43 PM - qualcomm: eliza: you're a Do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions! 8/4/2009 5:30:20 PM - Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to be going to miss these little sparring sessions.? 8/4/2009 5:30:15 PM - qualcomm: eliza: i'm going to miss these little sparring sessions. 8/4/2009 5:29:59 PM - Eliza: Why does this short make you think about sex? 8/4/2009 5:29:54 PM - qualcomm: eliza: yes, i brought it up so we could discuss something else, you obtuse cunt. 8/4/2009 5:29:15 PM - Eliza: Shall we discuss something else then? 8/4/2009 5:29:09 PM - qualcomm: eliza: now go shaft! 7/23/2009 11:40:24 AM - TheBuyer: ok. 7/22/2009 1:46:55 PM - qualcomm: the sparkly cape should have tipped me off 7/22/2009 12:29:22 PM - Jon Matza: Perhaps this will shed some light on what's happened... 7/22/2009 10:53:18 AM - Dylan Danko: Weird. Qualcomm had me convinced this was The Buyer. 7/21/2009 11:32:05 PM - Jon Matza: You can quibble with some of the specific details, certainly...but surely you wouldn't deny this short impartially and accurately presents your worldview, temperament, communication style, preoccupations and typical flows of thought? 7/21/2009 2:37:14 PM - Mr. Pony: This *does* sound like what you think is going on in my head. 7/21/2009 10:19:01 AM - qualcomm: interesting. 7/21/2009 9:38:43 AM - Jon Matza: Re buyerian quality: I take your point. The irony is pressing down upon me! 7/20/2009 3:46:37 PM - Mr. Pony: YOU were conceived of and executed in Canada! 7/20/2009 3:12:52 PM - qualcomm: certain elements of this short point to snowian authorship: the silly deconstruction of "time and tide wait for no man;" "yes way;" "once he was like;" et al. but its overall boring muddleheadedness point to a lesser author. this short was conceived of and executed in canada.
