It was our honeymoon. My new bride Eugenia smiled at me, her radiant eyes overflowing with love and tenderness.

"Do you have to fucking stare at me all the time?" I shouted, and ground 1/2 of a grapefruit into her face like I'd seen in the movie.

Frightened and humiliated, she began to tremble. I noted with satisfaction the blotchy red patches that had appeared in her cheeks, and could not prevent myself from chortling aloud. All the time, energy and painstaking care I'd spent wooing her--with flowers, "earnest" avowals of love, artificially manufactured facial expressions conveying empathy and the like--were about to pay off. How long, how patiently I had waited to reveal my true nature!

An action-packed sequence followed which lasted twenty minutes or so, then ended abruptly. All at once I felt wicked emotional. This puzzled me. Fragments of long-since discredited mathematical equations drifted through my mind's eye like so much confetti.

The lonely cry of a smaller-than-average (I later found out) whippoorwill directed my attention back to the present. Well, things hadn't gone exactly as planned, but it could have been worse. Who'd have thought it would be so easy to appease the concierge, for example? Cheered by this thought, I spontaneously drew the ancient balalaika from its case and began to play a tune that brought back a packetful of golden memories from yesteryear. My real wife, who watched the scene via live video feed, later told me it was my liveliest rendition to date.

Author: Jon Matza

Publication Date: 7/8/2002
Page Requests: 9707
Avg. Rating: 4.75 (8 votes received)
Word Count: 250
Submitted: 7/8/2002 12:28:00 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
8/14/2008 1:10:13 PM - qualcomm (): this is in no way intended as a joshuan bribe for quid pro quo on my far inferior offering, published today
1/25/2007 7:24:45 PM - TheBuyer: go fuck myself
10/6/2005 11:25:48 AM - Dylan Danko: My apologies for only 4ing this. I look like such a douchebag.
6/1/2004 8:14:11 PM - TheBuyer (): nice random hit
4/14/2004 11:19:03 AM - Will Disney (): yeah - that second paragraph is a good laugh. call me a jerk.
4/14/2004 10:37:24 AM - Ewan Snow (): The first two paragraphs are perfect.
4/14/2004 12:58:16 AM - Mr. Pony (): Matza, sometimes you write stuff that I can just read over and over and laugh and laugh and not stop.
4/13/2004 11:05:50 PM - John Slocum (): My goodness, a feast for the mind and the soul. An unexpected surprise around every corner. Masterful dynamic shifts. Stupendous.
1/28/2004 3:38:03 PM - scoop (): here, here. love that gullible concierge. belongs in the top 10.
8/30/2003 5:32:25 PM - Dylan Danko (): Why has this been overlooked?

 Mail this to a friend!