AcmeShorts

home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

Author Shorts

Up in the mountains above Hallowed Creek… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Why won't you believe me? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
What weighs more, a ton of bricks, or a metric tonne of bricks? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
When Knanslaw’s habituator petered out... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Instinctively, Jennings itched the fresh belly wound. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
Mankind at last eradicated the stain of original sin. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
The mayor of the decaying urban center fingered the fine gold chain… by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
The priceless Ming vase was broken. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
Eminent Egyptologist Fitzhume Tweevil by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
I will always be the butcher's son by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
Jonny Droppings, a technical school dropout by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
"Do you like games," asked the ectomorph in the black turtleneck by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
Jake had a fecal quality by Phony Millions on December 30, 1899
"Let the Nuremberg trials begin," cried the small claims judge. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
It was ever so difficult for Winslow, an exceedingly sensitive boy by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
Short #2 by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
What? by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
"You've no right!" declared the indignant eighteenth century merchant. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
What if I start to feel emotions? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Lacking the necessary enzymes to digest the entire rabbit at once… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
We live in a tender, weakened now, by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
What's the secret to your success, Mr Sternum? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
There is little hope of ever making filthy each clean new by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
No single humanoid is better than any other single humanoid! by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Fortune and Glory, said the pale politician by Phony Millions on December 30, 1899
Numbers are down for July...and this concerns me. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
Even the most hardened criminal needs some code to live by. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
Please pass the potato chips by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
Collins carefully rubbed the stone tablet with cotton pads dipped in alcohol. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
How glad I am! by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
Why must she always fixate on what I do wrong, mused Bob, by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
The Mad Scientist’s Back Room Dealings by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Ingrid refused to dance on anything but a freshly polished... by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Parisian Lovescape by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Tender Anymore by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
High Mohs Member by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Another Bad Poem by Another Lazy Poet by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
7-10 split by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
The Love You Eat is Equal to the Love You Shit by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
A Parable Without a Message by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Hello, hello, it’s so nice of you to come. by Ewan Snow on September 11, 1999
On a certain Satuday in the year of 200- by Ewan Snow on March 05, 2000
Halt, Jaerrold, halt! by qualcomm on May 13, 2001
What happened to little Checter's college fund? by Ewan Snow on May 13, 2001
There are any number of distinguished explanations... by qualcomm on December 13, 2001
How many planets and moons are there in the solar system? by Ewan Snow on March 20, 2002
Chuck Spasnowski, a warlock out of Queens, choked down some Sanka... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
Sean Connery pulled down his plaited gabardine trousers... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
Upjohn Dillforth wandered the loamy meadows... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
Sally put her hand on Dusty’s cheek. by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
How dare a pigeon try to pass as a ‘dove’? by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
Jerry finished his coffee and asked for the check. by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2002
Despite his grave embarrassment over his hives... by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 15, 2002
Pierre Emantal had harvested many fine pelts that season. by qualcomm on April 15, 2002
Edward held the Wet-Wet Suzy doll over her face... by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
Once Fredrick decided that Eileen was dead to him, he wasted no time in plotting her murder. by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
I was once told of an old man who lived in East Granby... by Ewan Snow on April 16, 2002
ArtTron IV sipped from its plastic goblet of chilled chardonnay... by qualcomm on April 22, 2002
When Eliza discovered that Alfred was inviting that hussy… by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
The boardroom filled up as young Riechek plugged his laptop into the projector. by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
Regarding the matter of your grades this semester by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
I've just trained my gigantic by qualcomm on April 24, 2002
You're not the captain of this tennis team yet, Cantrell! by qualcomm on April 24, 2002
Chuck the Chukar felt a man's hand reach into the crate to take a hold of him. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
Dylan Zimmerman taught law at one of the very toughest high schools in New York City. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
Pete raised his hand. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
Upon walking into Levitz and finding the Colonial settees of yesteryear… by Jon Matza on April 25, 2002
Dick Gregario pulled into the parking lot… by Phony Millions on April 25, 2002
Sue Rosenlip worked in the bakery at the Price Chopper… by Phony Millions on April 25, 2002
Brad Evans bounced baby Tellulah on his knee. by qualcomm on April 25, 2002
A Christmas Short Short by Ewan Snow on April 27, 2002
Jack had been in the market for a new mattress for some time. by qualcomm on May 07, 2002
Your hands stink of chives by qualcomm on May 15, 2002
In the end, life is an endless contest between your ego and pain. by qualcomm on May 15, 2002
The Funny, Funny Name of Procto Schematticca by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2002
Only perfect girls die in ditches. by Ewan Snow on May 19, 2002
Between the botched Powerpoint presentation and the strip club incident… by qualcomm on June 02, 2002
Would you say that was a mistake? by Will Disney on June 03, 2002
An unspecified number of individuals were engaging in… by Jon Matza on June 03, 2002
What can we learn about ourselves by investigating our clothes? by Ewan Snow on July 03, 2002
Ewan's face was bronzed from the Turkish sun. by Will Disney on July 03, 2002
Ewan gazed at the sunset from the window in the youth hostel in Brussels. by Phony Millions on July 06, 2002
It was our honeymoon. by Jon Matza on July 08, 2002
It is only our second full day at sea and Ewan has already ordered me to swab the poop deck at least four times. by Jimson S. Sorghum on July 08, 2002
I lounged on the beach, following the adventures of David Copperfield. by Ewan Snow on July 08, 2002
Kronos Regalia led his guests through the hedge maze by Ewan Snow on July 11, 2002
Bill Knott, obscure American poet, wiped the sweat off his brow and looked at the digital display. by qualcomm on July 15, 2002
Snow felt his blood boil. by qualcomm on July 24, 2002
Only through torture could Herbert find pleasure. by Ewan Snow on August 01, 2002
First modern use of the word "sirloin" by Mr. Pony on August 06, 2002
Seater stood in a slightly crouched postition, thigh muscles rippling… by Jon Matza on August 06, 2002
Where Dildo’s Dare - A Blowjob in Four Lines by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
All of his best ideas were id oriented, know what I mean. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Tacking yarward, the Count of Monte Cristo drew up alongside the merchant vessel... by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
Draped in cheap chamois, Chamberlain strolled behind the easels... by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
Flat Jokes by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
Esther Sweetbread by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
Somewhere out in our television audience by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
Young Desmond Oliphant craved cock. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
When Edna realized the their hopes were dashed, she decided to sell her shares in Martin’s youth orchestra. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Lush vegetation encroached on a small clearing dappled in summer sun. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Call upon your minions to whisper dark lies in your ears, Lucullus by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
He whistled the Family anthem. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Benjamin McGory didn’t believe in second chances. by Ewan Snow on September 21, 2002
Frank knew what was beeswax and what was mumbo-fucking-jumbo. by Ewan Snow on November 05, 2002
Dylan Zimmerman felt claustrophobic as he strolled down lower Broadway by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2002
Behind a rusty dumpster, beneath a wet limp sheet of cardboard… by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2002
The concierge, Leland McCormick, stood at his station with stiff resolve. by Ewan Snow on December 15, 2002
Spud Rogen by qualcomm on December 16, 2002
Henry was sitting on the aisle. by Will Disney on December 16, 2002
Lance unscrewed the cap on the large tub of paste. by qualcomm on December 20, 2002
Lola Bung-Hilda, the beautiful heiress to a wooden denture fortune… by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2002
With dread, I regarded the Chalice of Og'Bthulon. by Jon Matza on December 20, 2002
Dylan dropped the two-by-fours to the ground. by qualcomm on February 04, 2003
Sunlight hit Jon "Feldy" Feldspar's face sharply. by Dylan Danko on February 04, 2003
With an admirable disregard for public opinion, Dylan and Jon Frenched at the bar. by Ewan Snow on February 05, 2003
Jon sat with Ewan, dejected and sour. by Phony Millions on February 17, 2003
Dylan stood outside the Brooklyn warehouse… by Will Disney on February 17, 2003
"Summer Sausage" introduced to Acmeshorts by TheBuyer on February 18, 2003
Feldspar whizzed over the Manhattan bridge on his vivid sunshine yellow Schwinn. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 18, 2003
Are those Diesel jeans you're wearing? by Will Disney on February 20, 2003
AcmeShorts.com domain becomes active by Will Disney on February 21, 2003
Cranium McGee dipped his quill in ox blood, despite the warnings of corrosion offered by his art instructor. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
I feel so emotional sometimes. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
At last the door gave way, and Johansson breathlessly burst into the room. by Jon Matza on February 23, 2003
Saddam Hussein raised his rifle in the air with one hand... by qualcomm on February 23, 2003
I knew you'd never pull through for me. Duncan always said you were a creep. by Ewan Snow on February 23, 2003
I used to know this guy... by Will Disney on February 24, 2003
Doctor, doctor, what's the news? by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
I sharpened the business end of my broadsword on the southeast corner of my bronze age dwelling... by qualcomm on February 24, 2003
By relegating Constantine to the position of Rear Admiral... by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
He swam up through the water and grabbed onto the side of the pool by Will Disney on February 25, 2003
President Bush adjusted his posture and stepped up to the podium. by qualcomm on February 25, 2003
My feelings about the pornographic PowerPoint presentation were twofold. by qualcomm on February 25, 2003
Reginald slipped his sweaty hands into the back pockets of his Geranimals by Ewan Snow on February 25, 2003
There was only one thing more important to Professor Giles... by qualcomm on February 26, 2003
“Low-rent mystery cults can’t hold a shit wick to our sacred demiurge..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
“I imagine a world full of hope..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
He used to live under the subway. by Will Disney on February 27, 2003
Why is it that all my accomplishments must crumble to dust? by Will Disney on February 27, 2003
He had farted - a wet one, barely audible. by Phony Millions on February 27, 2003
Patricia Ann Fondel was fond of her status as office skank. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 27, 2003
Senator Gore Gravy (R – OR) adjusted his reading glasses and regarded the embossed card: by qualcomm on March 02, 2003
First comment by Will Disney on March 03, 2003
Henry watched the fly buzzing along the ceiling. by Will Disney on March 03, 2003
Rector. by qualcomm on March 04, 2003
William Faulkner downed the last of the bourbon by qualcomm on March 05, 2003
Andre raised the butcher knife above his head. by Will Disney on March 07, 2003
Cantor Fitzgerald stopped sharp, turned on a dime and climbed the stairs two fold... by Dylan Danko on March 09, 2003
With the de-atomizer set to autoflux, Kissinger Addley let the heliotron do the rest... by Dylan Danko on March 10, 2003
A fluffy, adorable little baby bunny named Bunny Wunny... by Jon Matza on March 11, 2003
OZ Fan Fiction by qualcomm on March 12, 2003
“Nurse, I need suction.” by Ewan Snow on March 14, 2003
“The Kid is scraping bottom,” Manfredi said to no one in particular. by qualcomm on March 14, 2003
She walked into my office carrying a small silver platter on which by Ewan Snow on March 15, 2003
Ron Porton: This always happens. by Jon Matza on March 16, 2003
“I don’t care if everyone hates me, as long as they respect me,” said Kurdish Jerry by qualcomm on March 17, 2003
"What was the animus for his shorts?" by Phony Millions on March 20, 2003
Quetlzcan climbed the stone steps of the pyramid. by Will Disney on March 20, 2003
A Scene (Re-imagined by Ewan Snow) That Actually Happened (According to Phony Millions) by Ewan Snow on March 21, 2003
Phineas got up... by Jon Matza on March 24, 2003
“Desperate times call for desperate clocks” by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2003
Bruce Willis' nipples hardened. by Phony Millions on March 27, 2003
“Sit on it, Potsie!” by qualcomm on March 27, 2003
It was 2050 hours on the Ropes Course at Camp David. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 28, 2003
It often passed through genteel circles of Cavenmoor... by Dylan Danko on March 31, 2003
Little Joe had booted another grounder, an easy one this time, and my patience was wearing thin. by Jon Matza on March 31, 2003
The prom queen let out a big juicy one. by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 02, 2003
Jon Feldspar sat hunched over his computer, tapping at the lifeless keys. by Will Disney on April 03, 2003
"Cast aspersions if you must but I happen to like my new, fake titties... by Dylan Danko on April 04, 2003
Pascal Devonshire fantasized about taking a radial saw to his skull by Ewan Snow on April 07, 2003
Dan Rather by qualcomm on April 07, 2003
The year was 1847. Phinneas Bartleby stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. by Will Disney on April 08, 2003
“What’s your major?” by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
Down by the lakefront the grass gets deep by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
On Failure in the Acme Community, A Scathing Indictment by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
The Professor dug a fossil out of the dusty earth. by qualcomm on April 10, 2003
Dedication
with Greatest Honor
to Simile Blane by Ewan Snow on April 10, 2003
Luke walked in the door to find Kendra straddling the keg, the tap in the firm grasp of her labia. by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 10, 2003
The Hermeneutics of Vaginal Desire by Phony Millions on April 11, 2003
With infinite guile, "Banny" Slumaski bit several pieces of dead skin off the tips of his fingers and arranged the detritus on the arm of his chair in a semicircle. by Jon Matza on April 11, 2003
First You Get The Truck by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2003
"Hey, honey! You wanna go to the orchid show?" by Dylan Danko on April 12, 2003
Everyone thinks they are so smart reading and writing these short shorts, but I wonder... by Jon Matza on April 14, 2003
“I don’t know. I don’t know. What is it, you think?” by Will Disney on April 14, 2003
"11 aardvarks, please." by Will Disney on April 14, 2003
It was Homecoming at Kaypee Middle School by qualcomm on April 15, 2003
Dr. Atkins’ Thoughts While Falling by Will Disney on April 17, 2003
An American in Bahgdad by Phony Millions on April 18, 2003
A classroom full of well-behaved students sat quietly. by Jon Matza on April 20, 2003
It's Easter Sunday, and as usual I’m ovulating. by qualcomm on April 21, 2003
I sat trembling. My cumulative author ranking had gone down... by Jon Matza on April 22, 2003
The cold sore sat there on Johnny’s lip, blistering in sun. by Will Disney on April 22, 2003
Your marcomm is ineffectual by qualcomm on April 22, 2003
I had buried this guy under the floorboards and was trying to keep up a cool appearance... by Will Disney on April 26, 2003
“Dan Smith will teach you guitar!” by Will Disney on April 30, 2003
"Oh, that's right, Susie...you've never been to Club Tre-chique!" by Jon Matza on May 01, 2003
“Mr. Fuckbon, what does the future hold for the war in Clitoristan?” by Phony Millions on May 02, 2003
“I love you,” the woman said breathlessly. by scoop on May 05, 2003
I cannot stand the stench of your lies. by qualcomm on May 05, 2003
“I now call to disorder the 225th Annual Gala of the New York Society of Scatological Illuminati!” by qualcomm on May 06, 2003
Susie had gone over Sammy’s house to work on a project for school... by Will Disney on May 07, 2003
The bachelor gazed at the two bags of chips like a Don Juan staring at long-lost conquests. by scoop on May 08, 2003
What with a power vacuum in post-war Iraq... by scoop on May 08, 2003
I have this thing about inanimate objects. by Phony Millions on May 09, 2003
First graphical short is published by Will Disney on May 11, 2003
Time Out New York by qualcomm on May 11, 2003
Sammy sat on the bus waiting for it to leave school and to bring him home. by Will Disney on May 12, 2003
Feedbag Jefferson spent the night guzzling Dr. Pepper by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
“Lorgnette never liked you, Drake... by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
“It’s not just the spelling of my first name that’s got me down, honey,” Jayson Blair said... by Will Disney on May 15, 2003
Susie had had a few beers, and all of the sudden things were seeming different to her. by Will Disney on May 15, 2003
As his friends reached out one by one towards family and domesticity... by Jon Matza on May 15, 2003
The Talosian by qualcomm on May 15, 2003
The shit was going to hit the fan like a bad situation coming to the fore. by Benny Maniacs on May 15, 2003
day 3 by Mr. Pony on May 16, 2003
Ordinary claims require ordinary proof by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
"Whoa, TMI" by qualcomm on May 16, 2003
Tall and tan and young and handsome. by Jimson S. Sorghum on May 16, 2003
“Should tillers of soil despair at the weight of life?” by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
Dearest Philippe, Don’t hate me! by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2003
Cramped “Quarters” Chromatone rotated the plus-sized BenWa balls... by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2003
Ewan and Jimson roared down the Pacific Coast Highway in their red Mustang. by Will Disney on May 21, 2003
Henry was only eloquent when contemplating his own debased nature. by Will Disney on May 21, 2003
It was Tuesday afternoon, and like clockwork Old Mrs. Robbins was returning home from her weekly trip to the grocery store. by scoop on May 26, 2003
The little river bubbled over the pebbles at the bend... by Ewan Snow on May 28, 2003
We had been waiting for the subway to come. by Will Disney on May 29, 2003
“So you’re a philosopher?” by Will Disney on May 29, 2003
Long, hard and full of seamen, the Los Angeles class submarine Nimitz sliced through the icy water... by qualcomm on June 04, 2003
Feldspar sat at his own Bar-mitzvah, crushing his fingers into each other. by Benny Maniacs on June 07, 2003
In college, Fred longed for the simple safety of high school... by Phony Millions on June 08, 2003
Dan hit Jack in the gut. Pow! by Jon Matza on June 09, 2003
Crème Fresh zipped up his pants... by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2003
The Monolith had not always been here. by qualcomm on June 11, 2003
The electromagnetic field surrounding the atoms that comprised Pantagruel’s fingertips by qualcomm on June 11, 2003
"Heyy-AYYY," she crooned from the far side of our cube's opaque partition... by Dick Vomit on June 11, 2003
Chaco slipped into his bib by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2003
Lonnie Isosceles peered into the mirror at the electric wound still suppurating on his forehead. by qualcomm on June 12, 2003
“This isn’t a game, dammit! This is serious!” by qualcomm on June 12, 2003
My grandfather's knee was strong and plaid. by Benny Maniacs on June 17, 2003
Daniel Boone searched the chewing gum dotted sidewalk for his diamonds. by Benny Maniacs on June 19, 2003
George found himself feeling hungry. by Will Disney on June 21, 2003
In a flash, Ranford made up his mind: he would decline to comment. by Jon Matza on June 21, 2003
“Let h represent all your hopes and dreams... by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
Overkill! by qualcomm on June 22, 2003
fonnet Infcribed on a Time-fwept ftone by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
Tubman sweated garlic juice off his fat fucking belly... by qualcomm on June 26, 2003
Jeffords checked his monogrammed chronograph for the tenth time in an hour. by qualcomm on June 27, 2003
“This summer heat is killing me,” the businessman said. by Will Disney on June 27, 2003
God entered the apartment, sheepishly looking for a refrigerator to stash his warm Coors Lights. by Benny Maniacs on July 01, 2003
As the crowd at the "Seventeenth Annual Rape Victims Catillion" really started to swell, the line at the bar began to grow. by scoop on July 01, 2003
“Are you almost done?” by Ewan Snow on July 01, 2003
R.O.B.E.R.T the Robot journalist stared at his blank computer screen... by scoop on July 01, 2003
In her Windstar Minivan... by Phony Millions on July 02, 2003
The Delorean's door gulled open in a cold white cloud. by qualcomm on July 02, 2003
Barbara Kramer looked at the majestic ATM screen, a rainbow of iridescent pixels. by Benny Maniacs on July 06, 2003
Bob was always making poor decisions. by Will Disney on July 09, 2003
"Long time no see, friend!" by Jon Matza on July 09, 2003
Tino cranked the volume and floored it. by qualcomm on July 10, 2003
The dude what started it all... by Dylan Danko on July 11, 2003
Lost and Found Short Short by Ewan Snow on July 12, 2003
I hate myself. by Mr. Pony on July 15, 2003
“What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love, and understanding?” by Will Disney on July 15, 2003
Most of life is a series of pragmatic lies... by Phony Millions on July 16, 2003
Judson tried hard but failed to hide his unease. by Dylan Danko on July 16, 2003
I still think about my first by qualcomm on July 16, 2003
Old School Short by Ewan Snow on July 17, 2003
Smitty came in and headed straight for the kegerator. by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
After the circle jerk there was silence. by Dylan Danko on July 21, 2003
Jack Sapien, Head of Central American Financial Risk Assessment at Kemper Peat Marwick Group, burst into the pup tent. by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
That's right, baby, I got what you want by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
Joe Strong was a bad detective. by Will Disney on July 21, 2003
Star Wars Fan Sonnet #119 by Ewan Snow on July 24, 2003
If only to be held, to be loved… by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
Meltdown Permanente crapped religious... by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
Peter couldn’t sleep. by Will Disney on July 28, 2003
A series of sharp reports echoed through the air as I hammered my great cock against the table. by Jon Matza on July 29, 2003
Regular Space Fan Fiction by Ewan Snow on July 30, 2003
Jon Feldspar’s cat looked at itself... by Will Disney on August 03, 2003
This whole neighborhood used to be just for the fur business. by Will Disney on August 03, 2003
Vader strode confidently into Operations. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
My feet were hot with sweat inside the vinyl feet of my one-piece jammies. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
The Clapp & Treat salesman rang up my “Ugly Stick” fishing rod. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
“Tarpit Crapulenza said this place was real horny” by Ewan Snow on August 04, 2003
The user testing session was not going very well. by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
The father was a changeling. by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
sandra, got your email... by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
“Oh God!” screamed Bud. “I got here as fast as I could." by Ewan Snow on August 06, 2003
Say, I wonder what all those people at the water cooler are talking about... by qualcomm on August 07, 2003
"Bad touch." said Suzy to Uncle Bob. by Jimson S. Sorghum on August 07, 2003
In the restroom at the doctor's office, all the piss samples were lined up in a delicious Caldor-colored rainbow. by Jimson S. Sorghum on August 07, 2003
The street looked dirty and there weren’t many people out. by Ewan Snow on August 07, 2003
The Cherrybird’s body coiled up tight as he tracked the softball’s homeward arc. by qualcomm on August 08, 2003
Egg Jenny reached into her panties and pulled out another handful of warm egg salad. by Jon Matza on August 08, 2003
We set up base camp at twenty-five thousand feet. by Ewan Snow on August 10, 2003
Kill me by Dylan Danko on August 10, 2003
"I want 'em dead..." by Dylan Danko on August 10, 2003
Luckily, Henry’s contraption was battery-powered... by Will Disney on August 17, 2003
Congratulations Twilo Morgum-Blow born 8/16/03! by Dylan Danko on August 17, 2003
The ocean was that aqua Club Med color, but he wasn't a tourist... by Benny Maniacs on August 18, 2003
Frankenstone and Lenny v. Matza and Snow - The "Asskicking" by TheBuyer on August 19, 2003
True Story – Fall Semester, 1990 by Ewan Snow on August 22, 2003
A Long Time Coming by Ewan Snow on August 23, 2003
Portrait of the Artist by Ewan Snow on August 24, 2003
“Could I please have a boat, Santa?” by Jon Matza on August 24, 2003
Jim Boner chose some Navy blue cargo pants, thinking the conservative Naval color would appeal to the P.O.T.U.S. by Benny Maniacs on August 27, 2003
Funny Short by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
Tenka Schperdorf plied her wares down by the harbor of nights. by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
“Communication” + “Unity” = “Community” by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
First Message Board post by Mr. Pony on August 31, 2003
Henry sidled up to the bar... by Will Disney on September 02, 2003
Oh, dear me, dear me! by Ewan Snow on September 02, 2003
Sherlock Holmes stood erect. by Will Disney on September 02, 2003
The Dinner Party by Ewan Snow on September 03, 2003
True Story -- 1985 by Ewan Snow on September 05, 2003
'Asea Again' by Jon Matza on September 10, 2003
"I seem to be lost in your hedge maze," Lucius called out. by Will Disney on September 10, 2003
Ishito Kashimuro was deliriously excited, his mustache moist with perspiration. by Benny Maniacs on September 11, 2003
The stillness of Sheila's fanny-pack was beginning to unsettle him. by Benny Maniacs on September 16, 2003
“Construction paper puppets, oak tag tigers… by Ewan Snow on September 16, 2003
"I now channel every ounce of creative energy into my romantic relationships," Al Pacino replied in a salty baritone. by qualcomm on September 18, 2003
Frank was hungry as beat all. by qualcomm on September 19, 2003
Flax Garvy chined the spring pig... by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2003
The moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life will never come by Ewan Snow on September 20, 2003
Howard Dean crapped his pants. by Will Disney on September 21, 2003
The Dalai’s “llama” spit viciously, as llama’s are known to do... by Will Disney on September 22, 2003
The Pontifex Maximus took off his pointy hat by Ewan Snow on September 22, 2003
I find your prose has a certain testicular quality and I mean that in the most complimentary of senses. by Dylan Danko on September 22, 2003
Monday morning cigarette smoke... by Ewan Snow on October 01, 2003
It wasn’t that Pete liked the beatings... by Will Disney on October 01, 2003
6 p.m., VIP Pub. by Jon Matza on October 02, 2003
Wally couldn't understand it. by qualcomm on October 02, 2003
Airea lays inside his/herself at the bottom of his/her stomach by Jon Matza on October 07, 2003
Bad Mozart by Phony Millions on October 14, 2003
Too often we find ourselves in situations that we would have preferred to have avoided! by Jon Matza on October 21, 2003
Feldspar took the white blotter acid he bought in Central Park and stuck it on his tongue. by Phony Millions on October 22, 2003
Investigative Report Pt. 1 by Will Disney on October 22, 2003
Jon Matza attracts many ladies. by TheBuyer on October 24, 2003
Alzheimer disease is a degenerative disorder of the brain! by Jon Matza on November 04, 2003
In certain indigenous Amazon tribes... by qualcomm on November 04, 2003
Dear AcmeShorts.com by qualcomm on November 04, 2003
The quantum physicist, an asshole, glued the final piece of cotton onto his doomsday device. by qualcomm on November 11, 2003
Ever since his comedic masterstroke about krauts farting inside their panzers, PFC Blodgett became the most popular grunt in the platoon. by qualcomm on November 11, 2003
I think we should totally be more open to the things around us in general! by Jon Matza on November 11, 2003
It was a lonely street. by Will Disney on November 19, 2003
kudos from the sun king by qualcomm on November 20, 2003
Hey, it's great to be back in the Poconos by qualcomm on November 20, 2003
"Baldy" Jack rose from his bed. by Will Disney on November 21, 2003
Fueled by the recent spate of car bombings, Kemar pressed down on his little Honda’s accelerator with relish. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
Memo: Sometimes people look up at you when you’re fucking them. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
Once, when I was a child, I had a fever; my hands felt just like two ballons. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
“Your hands – they’re rough, like someone who’s worked outside all his life,” she said sweetly and softly... by Phony Millions on November 24, 2003
The New Cruelty is announced by Will Disney on November 24, 2003
Pete looked at his reflection in the mirror. by Will Disney on November 25, 2003
Inside his immaculate fortress... by Ewan Snow on November 26, 2003
Do you ever think about Hell? by Mr. Pony on November 26, 2003
Captain McBarton hadn't seen a storm like this since his ill-fated stint as first mate on the Jolly Jimson during the Great Monsoon of Calcutta. by Jon Matza on November 26, 2003
Oh man, I really stuffed down that fucking turkey. by Will Disney on November 30, 2003
Johnny Jinky was majorly pumped. by Jon Matza on December 01, 2003
Ewan and Brad sat at the foot of Feldspar's Porsche water bed. by Dylan Danko on December 02, 2003
Chad was at his 10-year high school reunion. by Will Disney on December 02, 2003
Coup D’Tocqueville knew all the angles... by Ewan Snow on December 03, 2003
While he banged away at the hapless corpse, the necrophiliac suppressed a painful bubble of gas. by Phony Millions on December 04, 2003
Dear Santa Claus by Will Disney on December 04, 2003
"Oooh!" by Jon Matza on December 04, 2003
Marvin hadn't washed his hair now for three months consecutively. by Benny Maniacs on December 04, 2003
The night was cold. by qualcomm on December 05, 2003
Mittens by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
Dear Rita, by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
Like the Cockroach it Was by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
R.H. Phecal, the 2002 winner of the Acme Gold Medallion for most copious and substantial producer of the short-short, squatted over the bowl. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 07, 2003
“Sure, ‘twas our revered progenitor, Gallaghtrue Gonogle, who split the sacerdotal alder tree..." by qualcomm on December 07, 2003
You get an “A” for effort, Bobby. by qualcomm on December 08, 2003
A border town. by qualcomm on December 08, 2003
“Oh—Oh…” the man in his early thirties breathed, releasing his feces into his Dilbert boxer shorts with some relief. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 08, 2003
"I love living on this spaceship", Joe was saying. by Will Disney on December 08, 2003
Feldspar Eats a Bowl of Diarrhea by Mr. Pony on December 09, 2003
"Never again shall the mighty ones be assailed," I suavely asserted. by Jon Matza on December 09, 2003
The Mysterious Secrets of Microman REVEALED!! by Mr. Pony on December 10, 2003
The woman entered Starbucks and saw the girl working at the counter. by Phony Millions on December 11, 2003
You're The Star! 40 Thrilling Endings! by Will Disney on December 11, 2003
“Tuesday night at driving school I saw Jason Summers." by Phony Millions on December 12, 2003
Flip wondered if teenage Jesus had been a loser. by Benny Maniacs on December 13, 2003
Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. by Dylan Danko on December 13, 2003
Dear Bruce, by Dylan Danko on December 13, 2003
Folks, I'm not going to lie to you: I can get you a great deal on just about any popular high-end software package. by Jon Matza on December 15, 2003
He came into her Grand Opening, somehow feeling that the best was now behind him. by Benny Maniacs on December 17, 2003
No fucking way was Bad To The Bone a novelty song, Thorogood concluded in a bourbony haze. by qualcomm on December 18, 2003
Within a matter of days you - the Acmeshorts community - will molest me and threaten to kill me if I tell my parents. by Jon Matza on December 18, 2003
With great care... by qualcomm on December 19, 2003
There was something stupid about the whole thing, she thought. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 20, 2003
I will increase your mental reach, by Benny Maniacs on December 24, 2003
Vice Hubert Schneibling by qualcomm on December 24, 2003
Pliny the Younger lay on his side by Dylan Danko on December 28, 2003
Immured within the high walls... by Ewan Snow on December 29, 2003
"Puddle of Mud." by scoop on December 30, 2003
“Dude, I’d leave a message in the suggestion box to install a suggestion box. That is – IF we had a suggestion box.” by scoop on December 30, 2003
Lets talk about our feelings. by scoop on December 30, 2003
Morning had always been the computer programmers’ favorite time to be in the office. by scoop on December 30, 2003
"I was wrong when I called you the stupidest child I ever met," I said, lashing the terrified boy to the side of the boat. by Jon Matza on December 30, 2003
The documentary filmmaker had been wrestling with the pitfalls of his trade for most of his career and he was no closer to a solution. by scoop on December 30, 2003
Somehow, the boiler room was even muggier than the August night. by qualcomm on December 30, 2003
Happy New Year! by Will Disney on December 31, 2003
“Horny thoughts, expressed in the clearest and plainest of terms..." by Ewan Snow on January 01, 2004
“Pop,” by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 02, 2004
Marlon Brando, Queen Latifah and Miss Piggy all knelt over a fountain. by Benny Maniacs on January 03, 2004
Jeepak chomped into his Big Mac with a pantheon of contradictory emotions. by Benny Maniacs on January 04, 2004
Dear Diary, by Dylan Danko on January 04, 2004
Sheila E unraveled a very long boa constrictor and began whipping Prince’s naked buttocks. by Benny Maniacs on January 05, 2004
A few pebbles lay in the dirt near the base of the church gate. by Jon Matza on January 06, 2004
I was walking along the banks of the Seine, or the quais, as they’re called, or alternately, the keys. by Will Disney on January 06, 2004
Corky slung his knapsack over one shoulder... by qualcomm on January 06, 2004
... by qualcomm on January 07, 2004
"Hey, let's see who has... by qualcomm on January 08, 2004
“Don’t go there.” by scoop on January 09, 2004
The science officer wanted more out of life than the truth – he wanted a piece of ass. Space Ass. by scoop on January 09, 2004
"The road to salvation is littered with the cauls of broken souls." by Dylan Danko on January 10, 2004
"Who wants to see my penis?" cried Transgender Johnson. by Dylan Danko on January 10, 2004
"Another fricken night-night story," by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 11, 2004
The user Kleetaurus12 has sent you an instant message by Dick Vomit on January 13, 2004
The pederast was washing his hands when it hit him... by scoop on January 13, 2004
Thank you for your generous donation! by Will Disney on January 13, 2004
I've made some pretty stupid blunders in my day, but nothing compared to the time I accidentally shot myself in the balls! by Jon Matza on January 13, 2004
“Wait, whoa, stop, Jesus, fuck!” by Dick Vomit on January 14, 2004
During the blowjob, Dimitri fought off the climax til the last ecstatic instant... by Dick Vomit on January 14, 2004
Oh, ANNA, Baby...You're so HOT by Mr. Pony on January 14, 2004
Jen and I knew it was gonna be lame... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
When I was 7... by Dylan Danko on January 15, 2004
I rode into Carson City with a pocketful of silver... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
anon_user_a writes the dumbest feedback ever, and is roundly ridiculed by matza by qualcomm on January 16, 2004
They were all... by qualcomm on January 16, 2004
Jerkoff Chain, George W. Bush, Thursday 1/4/04 by Will Disney on January 16, 2004
A Cancer Story by qualcomm on January 17, 2004
"Move away from the retard." by Jon Matza on January 18, 2004
“I’m going to roll my trouser legs down... by scoop on January 18, 2004
Long ago, in a far away kingdom, by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 18, 2004
Scoop promoted to author by Will Disney on January 19, 2004
Victor Vulgar, poet laureate, often got his best ideas while wanking it. by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 19, 2004
Chipmunks scattered out from under Satan’s pick-up as he sped down the dirt road by Benny Maniacs on January 21, 2004
Captain Kangaroo eyed his erection... by scoop on January 21, 2004
Checksy walked in to my office. by scoop on January 21, 2004
My kudos itched. by Jon Matza on January 22, 2004
Stan liked to fill his bath, fine-tune the ratio of hot to cold so that he could barely stand the heat of it, and then slowly descend his dangling testes into the scalding water. by Benny Maniacs on January 22, 2004
Lumbering forth at dawn to the tiresome grind of hunting and gathering... by qualcomm on January 22, 2004
Hemorrhoid Story by Ewan Snow on January 23, 2004
“Where ya’ going,” the cabbie barked through an unlit stogie he gnawed in his chops. by scoop on January 24, 2004
“This marriage isn’t working, Otto..." by Ewan Snow on January 26, 2004
I'm going to sleep soon by Mr. Pony on January 27, 2004
“What are you thinking about?” by Will Disney on January 28, 2004
Note to self: by Dylan Danko on January 28, 2004
"There were some big surprises in this year's Academy Award nominations," mused Olenin. by Craig Lewis on January 28, 2004
Vagina. by Craig Lewis on January 28, 2004
Jeffrey and Eugenia by qualcomm on January 28, 2004
Jibley by qualcomm on January 28, 2004
"Yo, that shit is FUCKED up, yo!" Walter said enthusiastically. by Benny Maniacs on January 29, 2004
To Do List, Friday, November 4. by Craig Lewis on January 29, 2004
A ROBIN WILLIAMS FUCK-CIRCLE. by Craig Lewis on January 30, 2004
“You have to write what you KNOW!” by scoop on February 01, 2004
All the pony club girls hated her. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 02, 2004
all about potatos! by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
I've been varying my workouts a lot lately. by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
"Straight Eye for the Queer Guy." by Craig Lewis on February 02, 2004
The yolks of the children’s eyes ran into sticky pools on their tiny desks... by scoop on February 03, 2004
On the way home, I once again loathed myself for riding the so-called 'short bus', but at the same time loathed the world in which I had been classified 'tard'. by Benny Maniacs on February 04, 2004
The sun-shaped metal ring around Janet Jackson’s nipple shone down on the people working in the fields. by Will Disney on February 04, 2004
“Hello, Frankie, how was school?” by Ewan Snow on February 06, 2004
Crush-Depth Halliday and Rapid-Deployment Burke by Dylan Danko on February 06, 2004
Pressure me all you want; I will show you my erection on a need-to-know basis only. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2004
The Jewess lowered herself onto the Jew's bolt-upright cock with the avidity of a Jew beholding his stash of ill-gotten lucre. by Craig Lewis on February 07, 2004
Driving on the Palisades Parkway out of the city, Joe looked across the river and felt a rush of warm tenderness for humanity in general. by Phony Millions on February 07, 2004
"Don't infantilize me," Mitzi was always saying. by qualcomm on February 07, 2004
Reckon The Stranger rode in to town at just the right time. by scoop on February 07, 2004
Hey, Hey; What Have You Got There? by Mr. Pony on February 09, 2004
I was having trouble in the sack, so I went to see ol’ Fister. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 09, 2004
It was the second time in as many months by Dylan Danko on February 09, 2004
His grandfather leaned over from his hospital bed. by Will Disney on February 10, 2004
"P. KLEEKINS." Ooh, dean of the fucking lame-ass high schoooool. by Dick Vomit on February 11, 2004
And so it was with great reluctance... by qualcomm on February 12, 2004
Thom Yorke... by Phony Millions on February 12, 2004
"I hate it that all we do is fuck." by Dick Vomit on February 13, 2004
It was the state-mandated day of romance by qualcomm on February 13, 2004
The bills were stacking up. Money was tight. There was no hope in sight but for HUMINSORC -- by scoop on February 13, 2004
"I mean, just because we just met doesn't mean our love isn't real... by Dylan Danko on February 14, 2004
Moonbeams the ape leaned over his high perch, rubbing his sore balls and appraising the threat of his fellow simians below. by Benny Maniacs on February 14, 2004
#1,000 by qualcomm on February 14, 2004
A song of Slavic discord formed the coda to my spiralling descent. by qualcomm on February 14, 2004
Showdown I by Mr. Pony on February 14, 2004
“Daddy, can you read me a story?” by scoop on February 15, 2004
McWilliamsburg by John Slocum on February 15, 2004
Fragment 7a by Ewan Snow on February 15, 2004
On the Eve of Colostomy by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 15, 2004
Dispatch. by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2004
"Afternoon, Dr. Rivington." by Jon Matza on February 16, 2004
Man, do I lead a glossy life! by Dylan Danko on February 17, 2004
I've worked with junior high kids for over fifteen years now, and I have a confession to make: I probably learn more from these youngsters than they ever learn from me! by Jon Matza on February 17, 2004
Untitled by Ewan Snow on February 18, 2004
Don’t look now, Billy... by Will Disney on February 19, 2004
Senator, how would you respond to your critics.... by scoop on February 20, 2004
Slopcloth by Phony Millions on February 21, 2004
Micky Strunza posted the letter on his door, by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 22, 2004
Though far from sentimental, Judge Arthur Windsor-Withers found himself deeply moved by the heft and sway of Mrs. Peggins' enormous thighs. by Jon Matza on February 22, 2004
Ted-bah found that if he rotated his torso back and forth while he pinched his liver by Benny Maniacs on February 23, 2004
I have received your critique of ‘The Return of the King’ and would like to respond. by John Slocum on February 23, 2004
A Sick Pet. by Craig Lewis on February 24, 2004
The Radical Jewish Brotherhood flew at Mach seventeen in their penis fighters by Benny Maniacs on February 24, 2004
On his application, under the header delineated for NAME:, was a picture of a man drawing a picture. by scoop on February 26, 2004
Planned Neglect by Ewan Snow on February 27, 2004
Contempt by Phony Millions on February 27, 2004
Ladies, have a heart, now. by Jon Matza on February 28, 2004
So you go into a restaurant, one of New York City’s finest, everyone wants to eat there, and you want to order a bottle of wine. by John Slocum on February 28, 2004
She was like: I don’t date bears. by Benny Maniacs on February 29, 2004
Oscar Magic? More Like Oscar Tragic! by Will Disney on February 29, 2004
"Where's my cap?" by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
Nicky had the men lined up on Jessica’s right cheek. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 01, 2004
The entirely fictional Dr. Pfeiffer by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
Tournament #1 - Winner: Craig Lewis by TheBuyer on March 01, 2004
by Will Disney on March 01, 2004
by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
by Ewan Snow on March 01, 2004
by Benny Maniacs on March 01, 2004
by Jon Matza on March 01, 2004
by scoop on March 01, 2004
by Craig Lewis on March 01, 2004
My Dog Is Sick by Mr. Pony on March 01, 2004
I'm so lonely by Mr. Pony on March 02, 2004
This is a story about how Mandy validated Mindy. by scoop on March 03, 2004
"What's in the bag?" by Jon Matza on March 03, 2004
Paddy wagons crammed with half-naked confused men, women and children idled at the intersection. by scoop on March 04, 2004
“Fonterelli puts merlot in his Barolo,” by John Slocum on March 05, 2004
Rick could only have meaningful conversations while he was defecating... by scoop on March 05, 2004
It was a tri-state area disaster. by Benny Maniacs on March 05, 2004
“But I feel happy,” Cindy beamed smiling ear to ear. by scoop on March 07, 2004
Hey! Animals! by Dylan Danko on March 07, 2004
"Your eyes...they're so perfect..." by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 07, 2004
Joe 'Yankee' Doodle knew, in his heart, that it was not macaroni. by Will Disney on March 08, 2004
“Tell me again how tannins affect the tongue,” asked Sheryl. by John Slocum on March 08, 2004
Good Luck by Ewan Snow on March 09, 2004
ACME THUNDERDOME!! by Mr. Pony on March 09, 2004
Each of us has more than one sphincter. by John Slocum on March 10, 2004
Topical Billy, a thatch-haired lad of 8 years, strode into Miss Downey's Third Grade class. by Craig Lewis on March 10, 2004
"You've got to stop using sex to express aggression." by Craig Lewis on March 10, 2004
Boarding the elevator to the 37th floor, I was deeply engrossed in thinking about the various nuances of my pain. by Jon Matza on March 10, 2004
Joke by Ewan Snow on March 11, 2004
“How much you think she’ll run me, buddy? 25? 50?” by scoop on March 12, 2004
"P-p-p-ppppp-p-p-p-pp..." by Craig Lewis on March 12, 2004
Whenever I hear somebody refer to a vagina... by Ewan Snow on March 12, 2004
One peanut butter and salt sandwich by qualcomm on March 13, 2004
The Portentous Clan of the Homunculi by scoop on March 13, 2004
Penny Pulaski by qualcomm on March 14, 2004
My dad used to take us food shopping. by Benny Maniacs on March 14, 2004
Yeah, so anyway, after... by Dylan Danko on March 15, 2004
I have long harbored the ambition to host a television talk show. by Craig Lewis on March 15, 2004
Dr. Phillips would have reacted... by scoop on March 15, 2004
“How many rocks do you have there... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
“Yeah, LunkLink used to write good shorts... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
“Hey, Crackers, why are you squatting down there with my keepsakes?” by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
These two are the best buddies I by Jon Matza on March 17, 2004
Farnsworth Smythe, the legendary investigator, stood before a roaring hearth-fire... by Craig Lewis on March 17, 2004
General Choade spent the afternoon trying to weaponize his wife. by Ewan Snow on March 17, 2004
Mr. Pony publishes a short with words (as Jacob Starfish) by Will Disney on March 18, 2004
Hypocycloid by John Slocum on March 18, 2004
The cocky Jumbo Shrimp crawled along the sea bottom by Benny Maniacs on March 18, 2004
I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. by Benny Maniacs on March 19, 2004
The most fascinating conversation of all time was occurring live on broadcast TV. by Jon Matza on March 20, 2004
Professionally attired, voice buttered, playlist sculpted, Bob “The Bobber” Buckman, Central Pennsylvania’s premiere reception/events DJ, was in the zone. by scoop on March 21, 2004
The Cynic by qualcomm on March 22, 2004
Tournament #2 - Winner: Mr. Pony by TheBuyer on March 22, 2004
by Will Disney on March 22, 2004
by scoop on March 22, 2004
by qualcomm on March 22, 2004
by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2004
Love is a lifelong quarrel with God, but we always make up in the end. by scoop on March 22, 2004
Behold...The Lerpa! by Mr. Pony on March 23, 2004
“Thwack!” by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
Aromas and Love Part I by John Slocum on March 23, 2004
Aromas and Love Part II by John Slocum on March 23, 2004
"I'm sorry...weird!..." by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
"It is as it was." by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
Deborah Norville and Katie Couric... by Will Disney on March 24, 2004
“Tais-toi avant que je te bats à la figure avec mon bâton!” by John Slocum on March 25, 2004
The Fabulous Tale of Matza: He Can Only Say ‘You Cunt’ by John Slocum on March 26, 2004
Henry Smith awoke shivering in a cage to Mozart’s Serenade No. 13 in G major with the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth and the dream-image of a girl he had never met fading from his memory. by scoop on March 26, 2004
Jaunita Saggs was a cunt. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 29, 2004
Dude, you fucked up BIG TIME by not going to Shaun Belorus's party last weekend. by Jon Matza on March 29, 2004
Please do not consider my actions impertinent by Dylan Danko on March 29, 2004
The hairs that protrude from my nostrils by Benny Maniacs on March 30, 2004
Cindi? It’s Suzi. by qualcomm on March 30, 2004
"Congratulations, Mrs. Numan. Your baby is a healthy six pounds, three ounces." by Jon Matza on March 30, 2004
Snowy, tongue hanging out and panting, looked at Tintin lying face down on the floor. by John Slocum on March 31, 2004
“This is no longer just about German wines, is it?” asked Smith. by John Slocum on April 01, 2004
Dani? by Mr. Pony on April 01, 2004
Character: Why did you make me?

Author: To make them laugh. by scoop on April 02, 2004
When Sonia arrived in New York, Penn Station was nearly deserted. by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2004
Am I to sit here and hide? by Benny Maniacs on April 05, 2004
Andy Anderson knew that with great power comes great responsibility. by scoop on April 05, 2004
Wendell Buttress backed up 3 steps and prepared to take the corner kick. by John Slocum on April 05, 2004
Highest rated short by a Hawaiian Guest Author by TheBuyer on April 08, 2004
Satan had a problem. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
Ronus (the red one) and Rodus (the blue one) had been waiting for what seemed like hours. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
Fort Danny by scoop on April 09, 2004
Tired…tired…so very tired. by John Slocum on April 11, 2004
Tale of Two Jacks. by scoop on April 11, 2004
Joe was swinging around the trees... by Will Disney on April 11, 2004
Metamorphosis by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2004
Oi! You takin' the piss ow.. by Dylan Danko on April 13, 2004
This morning, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, I give you all, pure and uncut... by scoop on April 13, 2004
Showdown II by Mr. Pony on April 14, 2004
Warily, I eyed the Siamese. by Craig Lewis on April 14, 2004
Much humor can be gleaned from the anecdote I am about to relate to you which pertains to a conversation that took place between a horse and a cow. by Jon Matza on April 14, 2004
Texxx/Cabot Suicide Note by Jon Matza on April 15, 2004
Raccoon Diet - fuck Atkins, try this. by TheBuyer on April 15, 2004
“It would be nice if, every now and then, one of you would massage my balls,” said Father Xaverus... by John Slocum on April 16, 2004
"There remain some possibilities for a rational explanation," I began. by Jon Matza on April 16, 2004
The muscles in the little volunteer’s lithe arms flexed against the taut leather straps... by scoop on April 16, 2004
A large Conch shell passed me by, followed by a halogen desk lamp. by Benny Maniacs on April 18, 2004
Times were tight. by qualcomm on April 20, 2004
First appearance of TheBuyer by Will Disney on April 20, 2004
Fence Guy by Jon Matza on April 20, 2004
District Supervisor Weiss was puzzled. by TheBuyer on April 21, 2004
Thrillseeker Slugs by Will Disney on April 22, 2004
I had Disney pegged for a homo the first time I met him. by Dylan Danko on April 22, 2004
M. T. Bubblenut slid down the couch and landed on the floor in a neat puddle. by Benny Maniacs on April 22, 2004
Obligatory Shit Short by TheBuyer on April 22, 2004
The Argument by Mr. Pony on April 23, 2004
Obligatory Shite Short XII by John Slocum on April 23, 2004
First short written by a foreigner; Canadians by TheBuyer on April 26, 2004
Ataraxy by Phony Millions on April 26, 2004
Tobias let the letter flutter to the floor... by scoop on April 26, 2004
500 grand? by qualcomm on April 26, 2004
acme lovedome by Mr. Pony on April 26, 2004
Barry, wife Lynne, and daughter Dawn were all sitting around the dining room table... by TheBuyer on April 27, 2004
Sweet wings by Jon Matza on April 27, 2004
It was April and the ramps, fresh from the Farmer’s Market, were pungent as they warmed atop a mountain of scrambled pheasant eggs, pheasant sausage, shiitakes and grated local cheddar. by John Slocum on April 28, 2004
Bentley rested his hand on the hood of the Mercedes Benz C-class. by Benny Maniacs on April 30, 2004
Both men lay motionless on the smooth, concrete floor. by TheBuyer on April 30, 2004
Small town mmenttaliities and extra keystrokes.. by TheBuyer on May 01, 2004
AcmeShorts.com had had a bad day. by Will Disney on May 01, 2004
All right, what’s the situation? by scoop on May 04, 2004
Safety First! by Mr. Pony on May 06, 2004
Smartie Jones by Mr. Pony on May 06, 2004
After finding myself stranded on a desert island with nearly five hundred women... by Benny Maniacs on May 06, 2004
"Where did all the other celebrants go?" wondered Sherwoode upon returning from the garden. by Jon Matza on May 09, 2004
Poetry Reading by Mr. Pony on May 09, 2004
First of the Smartie Jones shorts is published by Will Disney on May 10, 2004
I had been lubricating with iodine-125 and I think my wife’s vagina was degrading. by John Slocum on May 10, 2004
"Three Terrible Tales of Sorrow" by Jon Matza on May 11, 2004
Boy, we sure have a lot of inertia by qualcomm on May 11, 2004
Puta madre. Mira a quien tenemos aqui! by Dick Vomit on May 12, 2004
My Generic Love Note by TheBuyer on May 12, 2004
Channelling a Dirty Old Man by TheBuyer on May 12, 2004
Barry, Lynne, Dawn and the puppy by TheBuyer on May 14, 2004
zombie internet dating by TheBuyer on May 16, 2004
There I was, in the backroom, getting a blowjob from the soon-to-be-bride. by Will Disney on May 16, 2004
Will I listen to Nirvana when I’m in my seventies? by Phony Millions on May 17, 2004
Misogyny is my favorite sport. by Benny Maniacs on May 17, 2004
Ma, Ma! by scoop on May 18, 2004
The baby scurried for cover with the urgency of a cockroach when the kitchen light is flicked on. by scoop on May 19, 2004
Dr. Fineberg was having GI problems by qualcomm on May 20, 2004
After watching the full Wagnerian Ring cycle by Benny Maniacs on May 20, 2004
Dr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. by Ewan Snow on May 20, 2004
You get a lot of pussy here in the green zone. by Will Disney on May 21, 2004
Delivery by TheBuyer on May 21, 2004
“Imagine the story of a man..." by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2004
Jacobsen held his breath and waited for the shooting to stop. by TheBuyer on May 21, 2004
The Dialectics of Taking a Dump by Phony Millions on May 24, 2004
Barry, wife Lynne and daughter Dawn were all in the backyard enjoying a beautiful spring day. by TheBuyer on May 25, 2004
You Spin Me by Mr. Pony on May 27, 2004
duh by qualcomm on May 28, 2004
The wedding was the usual sort of thing. by qualcomm on May 28, 2004
It was the first day of school. by Craig Lewis on May 28, 2004
Pfineous caught a mouse tonight! by John Slocum on May 31, 2004
I had a great glass of 2000 Vallone Brindisi Rosso Riserva at the bar at Lippa. by John Slocum on May 31, 2004
*** Missed Connections *** by Will Disney on June 01, 2004
Smartie Jones Versus Sir Shackleton by Mr. Pony on June 02, 2004
Goddamn it, I miss that guy. by TheBuyer on June 02, 2004
The Remarkable Tantrum of Dr. Kwargwark by TheBuyer on June 02, 2004
Old Man Jenkins and I by Phony Millions on June 02, 2004
I sat waiting in the audience at the Lafeteria for one reason and one reason only: to even the score with Jolly Jamie Jinkles. by Jon Matza on June 03, 2004
A Happy Story by scoop on June 03, 2004
Hunting Owl by qualcomm on June 04, 2004
The Mindscapes of Charles Czynski by Jon Matza on June 04, 2004
1. Take Me Away - 3:05 by TheBuyer on June 04, 2004
The Authors of Acme by Mr. Pony on June 05, 2004
Mikey Leotard was chased by a completely insane dog by Benny Maniacs on June 05, 2004
Smartie Jones: Epilogue by Mr. Pony on June 06, 2004
One Fine Day in the Park by Jon Matza on June 08, 2004
Another Round For The Couple At Table 306 by TheBuyer on June 09, 2004
Sylvia pulled out her tampon and threw it in the trash. by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2004
“All great wines are tense.” by John Slocum on June 10, 2004
Tarzan was secretly watching a couple of apes having sex, and, god, it was turning him on. by Will Disney on June 10, 2004
Tournament #3 - Winner: Will H. Disney by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
by Jon Matza on June 10, 2004
by qualcomm on June 10, 2004
by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
by Will Disney on June 10, 2004
by Mr. Pony on June 10, 2004
by scoop on June 10, 2004
The volcanic swelter... by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2004
cuz people say yer in love and stuff, here's a fun song from grade school... by Dick Vomit on June 11, 2004
I work with this fat fucking twat named James. by Benny Maniacs on June 13, 2004
First appearance of The Finch (as anon_user_e) by Will Disney on June 14, 2004
What he would do. by TheBuyer on June 14, 2004
I had already spent a good half-hour considering my cock. by Craig Lewis on June 15, 2004
A Day in The Life of a Jazz Slut by Phony Millions on June 15, 2004
-omitted-5-oct-04 by TheBuyer on June 16, 2004
Fairly vexed, Ass-man threw his hands up and walked out of the drawing room. by Benny Maniacs on June 16, 2004
Loneliness waits in quiet corridors by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
“When I look back at the slow shady days of childhood..." by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
The wine tasted like violence towards women by John Slocum on June 17, 2004
Dogfight by TheBuyer on June 17, 2004
37-yard attempt by Jon Matza on June 17, 2004
Hollings by qualcomm on June 17, 2004
The deer don't drink the water where the river passes my front gate. by TheBuyer on June 18, 2004
Achmed had just arrived with another bowl of dates. by Craig Lewis on June 18, 2004
The Anonymous Blackguard goes on a one-star rampage, setting in motion a chain of events resulting in the outlawing of anonymous voting by Will Disney on June 18, 2004
Life, or something like it, had been stalking the Pederast lately and tonight it would finaly catch up with him. by scoop on June 19, 2004
Poor One Armed Pete by scoop on June 19, 2004
Mobius Trip by TheBuyer on June 19, 2004
the old river danced like the moon singing... by Will Disney on June 21, 2004
There was a time before time, when beasts walked the earth, and those beasts had a language called Zwargthram. by Benny Maniacs on June 21, 2004
Have you stopped to consider genocide on the odors that contaminate the purity of your air? by scoop on June 22, 2004
My New Country Music Song by TheBuyer on June 22, 2004
“I’m sorry I went into your behind by John Slocum on June 23, 2004
It's gettin It's gettin It's gettin kinda hectic by Benny Maniacs on June 23, 2004
The Ancient Order of Acme by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2004
I suffer from two irrational fears by TheBuyer on June 23, 2004
Bring me more pork loin, more wine, more lobster bisque! by Craig Lewis on June 23, 2004
TALES FROM THE DOCTOR’S DESK by Will Disney on June 25, 2004
There was nothing even remotely arousing in Nilda Cortes' handling of the device called a stopcock. by qualcomm on June 25, 2004
What is it. by scoop on June 26, 2004
Leila and Jeffrey's long-smoldering attraction wasn't rekindled by one single glance--it was ignited into a blazing fireball. by Jon Matza on June 28, 2004
“You think your shit don’t stink.” by Jimson S. Sorghum on June 29, 2004
The station wagon was dark green by qualcomm on June 29, 2004
The inventor’s latest attempt to build an indestructible woman ended with mixed results. by scoop on June 30, 2004
Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array by TheBuyer on June 30, 2004
Star Trek Fan Fiction by Mr. Pony on June 30, 2004
Star Trek Fan Fiction II by Mr. Pony on July 01, 2004
Kyle climbed down off his horse and took a shit in the sagebrush by TheBuyer on July 01, 2004
Herbert Wallace furiously paced his linoleum tiles, waiting for the call. by Benny Maniacs on July 01, 2004
"...Anyway," I continued. by Craig Lewis on July 02, 2004
“I think it’s the Friedl-Crafts Alkylation you’re after by John Slocum on July 03, 2004
I had an obstreperous booger in the back right corner of my left nostril by John Slocum on July 03, 2004
Trois couleurs: Brun by Dylan Danko on July 03, 2004
Three Open Letters [All At The Same Time] by TheBuyer on July 05, 2004
“Get in there,” he growled, jabbing the angel in the soft spot where the wings meet near the small of the back... by scoop on July 05, 2004
Sidney Poitier was very disappointed in you. by qualcomm on July 05, 2004
Ifferhite's graff-tex stockings snagged on her long but stubbly legs as she hurdled an oncoming Stromium bot by Benny Maniacs on July 07, 2004
Marvin had to keep the final product in mind: by Benny Maniacs on July 08, 2004
On stage with her bodhran, Melanie wailed, by TheBuyer on July 08, 2004
Your grandfather was getting laid for the first time. by Will Disney on July 09, 2004
Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part One by Mr. Pony on July 09, 2004
The Method. by Craig Lewis on July 11, 2004
I had sacrificed and eaten Reggie, my girlfriend's 2 year old by John Slocum on July 11, 2004
I don't get excited very often. by Benny Maniacs on July 13, 2004
Matza's Monolith Discourse sets off a mint furore by Jon Matza on July 13, 2004
You want to make something of it? by qualcomm on July 14, 2004
The Last Thing Craig Lewis Ever Did. by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
Jiggily wiggily bungily wungily higgledy piggledy strangely kapoongally by John Slocum on July 15, 2004
The Old Man flaked the crusty net onto the deck. by Ewan Snow on July 15, 2004
Leonard - Prologue by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
Leonard - Part 1 by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
Leonard - Part 2 by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
"I'm feelin' good!" the anonymous patient said to his Saturday night special, Rosa. by Benny Maniacs on July 16, 2004
The front door of Dr. Stanley Touche by qualcomm on July 16, 2004
When I awoke, I was on a raft in the middle of the ocean and with no land in sight. by Will Disney on July 16, 2004
I was growing more and more disgusted with the way everyone was ordering their latte by John Slocum on July 18, 2004
“Duuude, Iiiiiimmmmm goooinnnnnggggg to graaaabb anotttthhhher beeeeeeeerrrrrr, oooooookayyyyyyy?” It was that freaking ghost again, and surprise-surprise, he wanted another freaking beer. My beer. by scoop on July 19, 2004
It was hard to deny that my extreme anal makeover had been something of a lemon. by Jon Matza on July 19, 2004
FUCK YOU, SWITCHBACK. by Dick Vomit on July 20, 2004
I grow weary of the current discounts available to me, to us, on several items at local shops and outlets. by scoop on July 21, 2004
Sir: by qualcomm on July 22, 2004
How was I to know when I slipped the headphones on that a screaming onslaught of machine gun guitar licks would fly off the strings of Jimmy Page’s Stratocaster... by Jon Matza on July 22, 2004
Leonard - Part 3 by TheBuyer on July 22, 2004
Tiger Yitzakh (named after his uncle, Tiger Sedgwick - his mother’s brother), a cunt to a man, rolled a first class bone on the coffee table, lit it up and toked that shit by John Slocum on July 23, 2004
An Election Year by scoop on July 23, 2004
Leonard - Part 4 by TheBuyer on July 25, 2004
I love free food from the subway! by Will Disney on July 26, 2004
Countess Tatiana Rimski-Premikov lifted the billowing tulle gathers by qualcomm on July 26, 2004
I got a new doctor, a lady doctor, and even though she wasn’t all that hot, she really turned me on. by Ewan Snow on July 26, 2004
Lassie came dashing in and the feeling of emergency filled the room. by TheBuyer on July 26, 2004
Mr Pony Fan Fiction - Elsewhere On The Day Smartie Jones Didn by TheBuyer on July 27, 2004
Leonard - Part 5 - Part 6 - Done. by TheBuyer on July 27, 2004
Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part Two by Mr. Pony on July 28, 2004
Important Message Board Discussion - Lustre by TheBuyer on July 28, 2004
The Journey! by scoop on July 29, 2004
I had that dream again. by Dylan Danko on July 29, 2004
Good News by qualcomm on July 29, 2004
Don't pass out first. by TheBuyer on July 30, 2004
I stumbled on an epiphany the other day, when I was thinking about that fact that babies are for sex. by Benny Maniacs on July 30, 2004
Smelling of pickled herring by qualcomm on July 30, 2004
"She did it again!" by Jon Matza on July 30, 2004
Aside from some nagging technical glitches, Werner Beefcock had been pleasantly surprised with the electrical collar he purchased for his wife. by scoop on July 31, 2004
The Forgotten Ones by Jon Matza on July 31, 2004
Letter of Reference by TheBuyer on August 01, 2004
Gregory's Tale by Jon Matza on August 06, 2004
At first William Warren didn't understand what Todd Tanner meant by "Bring your rubber hole." by Jon Matza on August 09, 2004
bonerman69 by TheBuyer on August 09, 2004
Sergeant! by scoop on August 10, 2004
I’ve never like your austere Loire Valley Chenin Blanc, and you can take your hands off my tits. In fact, it’s over between us…we’re through.” by John Slocum on August 10, 2004
PU by qualcomm on August 10, 2004
Epic Argument - TheBuyer v. Jon Matza by Mr. Pony on August 11, 2004
Me! by qualcomm on August 11, 2004
"This '44 Schlumberger has a real Goebbels thing going on", I said slicing a razor thin section from the Jew eyeball I was enjoying with a bit of aged Explorateur. by Jon Matza on August 12, 2004
Becky squirmed and squiggled in the church pew. by Dick Vomit on August 12, 2004
Henry liked to make wishes by qualcomm on August 13, 2004
“I feel like a failure.” by Ewan Snow on August 13, 2004
Once time my uncle Jimmy was suffering a severe bout of the ass. by Benny Maniacs on August 13, 2004
The seeds of my downfall were sown in January, 19XX by John Slocum on August 15, 2004
Jack was a man but he was only five inches tall and he could fly. by Will Disney on August 16, 2004
A Specific Numer of Bees Are Introduced to Acmeshorts by TheBuyer on August 16, 2004
Pride and the Downfall of the Guest Author by TheBuyer on August 17, 2004
Kids today are incredibly media-savvy. by qualcomm on August 18, 2004
Joe: Handjob. by Will Disney on August 19, 2004
Jake Kohler by qualcomm on August 19, 2004
Rassman by qualcomm on August 20, 2004
My pussy gets really wet at the drop of a pin and the juice runs outta my fuck-hole and down into my ass-crack by John Slocum on August 21, 2004
RE: My Feces, Scent of by TheBuyer on August 23, 2004
Fuck, Braxton Hicks said, after he was hit by lightening. by Benny Maniacs on August 24, 2004
A voice I never heard before and probably never will hear again rescued me last week while I was taking a dump in the last stall of the bathroom where I work. by scoop on August 24, 2004
“You have cooties, you have cooties!” by scoop on August 25, 2004
The Hilarious Children In A Hospice by TheBuyer on August 25, 2004
Her dimensions were useful by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
Welcome, matriculants by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
"Okay," by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
After 17 years underground, Hannakack, a periodical cicada, emerged out of the ground and climbed a tree. by Benny Maniacs on August 27, 2004
I stared down at my naked, prostrate wife with shock, disbelief and revulsion. by Jon Matza on August 27, 2004
Man, I had the weirdest dream last night. by qualcomm on August 30, 2004
The Hilarious Jew Across from The Hospice by TheBuyer on August 30, 2004
Sommelier Feldman sidled up to the table of 4 young nubiles. "Can I help you with the wine list, ladies?" he said suavely. by John Slocum on September 02, 2004
I'm thinking of a story about an Indian guy from India. by Benny Maniacs on September 06, 2004
Sukilh and his three daughters lived outside of Jakarta near the landfill. by qualcomm on September 07, 2004
When Kate turned six, she got a birthday present from her brothers and sisters. by TheBuyer on September 08, 2004
Joe Strong’s car cut through the LA night, like pea soup. by Will Disney on September 08, 2004
Special Commemorative September 11th Edition by scoop on September 09, 2004
Rule #14 by TheBuyer on September 09, 2004
Tad wiped the top of the bar at the Regal Beagle, absently dipping his rag in to the sink filled with tepid water and a few squirts of lemon-lime scented Palmolive. by scoop on September 10, 2004
A short involving several compelling facets of Vincent Gallo. by scoop on September 11, 2004
"If you will do me this one favor", I said to the Al Jar Mushdeen executioner. by Benny Maniacs on September 12, 2004
Acquaintances and friends alike constantly ask me, "How do you manage to lead such a comfortable lifestyle yet still maintain financial stability?" by Jon Matza on September 12, 2004
Okay, here we are! by qualcomm on September 12, 2004
“A man’s sense of self worth is intimately tied to his sense of control over the movements of his colon.” by John Slocum on September 13, 2004
The oak tree was young so its bark yielded easily beneath the thick, sharp blade of Frankie’s buck knife. by scoop on September 14, 2004
Terminal Disease by TheBuyer on September 15, 2004
Merlin the Magnificent’s black cape billowed as he strode in the center of Arthur’s bazaar to find out what was the cause of the kerfuffle. by scoop on September 17, 2004
I was in my study when I heard my wife's Infinity FX hum to life in the garage. by Benny Maniacs on September 19, 2004
Streifenbeuteldachs, looking for Ben-Wa balls, finds Acme instead by Mr. Pony on September 19, 2004
Peter had a goal. by Will Disney on September 21, 2004
"My, but aren't YOU the hunkiest hunk of roasted beef in the universe?" by Dick Vomit on September 22, 2004
You'd be surprised at the resources available to inmates of modern prisons. by qualcomm on September 23, 2004
You wanted a short, Disney? by Jon Matza on September 25, 2004
Tournament #4 - Winner: qualcomm by TheBuyer on September 26, 2004
by qualcomm on September 26, 2004
by Will Disney on September 26, 2004
Kofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. by qualcomm on September 26, 2004
by scoop on September 26, 2004
by Mr. Pony on September 26, 2004
I am a writer but I suffer from severe jock-itch. by John Slocum on September 26, 2004
The third wish god damn it. by scoop on September 26, 2004
Traci Lords, Amber Lynn and Tori Welles marched up the steps of the Capitol building brandishing a flag. by Benny Maniacs on September 27, 2004
Victor stands before them, accused. by TheBuyer on September 28, 2004
“Later, when I’m fucking you from behind, I’m going to stick my finger in your ass by John Slocum on September 29, 2004
Short Lists by TheBuyer on September 29, 2004
Citizen ZDK-2756 reached in to the glove compartment of his Saudi powered flying car and handed his North American Federation government issued ID to the Sony designed cop. by scoop on September 30, 2004
Matza short magically prophesizes Fall of Acme by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
Golden shafts of sunlight danced sirloinly in the autumn air as the villagers sought to reap the bounty of their rad harvest. by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
I'm training for the marathon. by qualcomm on October 01, 2004
Deelon Dinko, Traveller through Time! by Will Disney on October 04, 2004
I was out raking leaves when I heard a voice whisper my name. by qualcomm on October 04, 2004
Janet held the home pregnancy test strip in her smelly urine stream and prayed. by qualcomm on October 06, 2004
As Eric Schwartz' Fecal Submarine No. 11,547 broke the fragile surface of the toilet water, Captain Jim hollered at his men. by Benny Maniacs on October 06, 2004
The thrill was gone. by Jon Matza on October 07, 2004
Post-Traumatic Fever Dreams by scoop on October 08, 2004
What if they invented a force field? by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
“Hey, Greco, why the dumb face?” by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
Top off that Rob Roy for you, Charles? by qualcomm on October 13, 2004
It was like Red Dawn, except all the Russian invaders were Al Quaeda. by Benny Maniacs on October 13, 2004
Billy Crystal felt hot tears roll down the bridge of his nose and into the space once occupied by his stupid beard. by Jon Matza on October 14, 2004
Yurndt breaks silence, weighs in by Jon Matza on October 17, 2004
From the time she got home by TheBuyer on October 20, 2004
A Treatise on Horror by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
It was an overcast Monday fall morning when I realized my wife was in league with the mites… by scoop on October 20, 2004
Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
Cry Havoc, and Let Slip the Wages of Intimacy by qualcomm on October 21, 2004
Nice fuckin' boots. by Dick Vomit on October 21, 2004
It was by TheBuyer on October 21, 2004
“Three is the magic number,” said Danforth. by Jimson S. Sorghum on October 21, 2004
Poor Horace...! by Jon Matza on October 22, 2004
Election Day Special! by scoop on October 25, 2004
A penis woke up in the morning by TheBuyer on October 26, 2004
God and his dumb kid by TheBuyer on October 26, 2004
It’s tough being in prison. by Will Disney on October 26, 2004
Aphid Mezrik climbed aboard the municipal Sport Utility Bus by Dick Vomit on October 26, 2004
Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part Three by Mr. Pony on October 27, 2004
Daddy, where do people go when they go away forever. by Dylan Danko on October 27, 2004
Henry was delighted by TheBuyer on October 29, 2004
My pineal gland was hurting me. by Benny Maniacs on October 29, 2004
“Mommy! Daddy! There’s a monster under my bed!" by scoop on October 31, 2004
The Last Phallicorn by Dick Vomit on November 01, 2004
Grand Unified Theory by qualcomm on November 01, 2004
All about eggs! by Jon Matza on November 02, 2004
First appearance of TREE by Will Disney on November 04, 2004
I’m building a small wooden box in which I intend to spend the rest of my life. by Ewan Snow on November 04, 2004
Three non-tenured individuals sat side by side in Room C. by Jon Matza on November 04, 2004
The One with the Cell Phone by Mr. Pony on November 05, 2004
I remember it well. by Dylan Danko on November 05, 2004
Joel LaMignon is a brilliant MIT student with a penchant for high risk behavior by Benny Maniacs on November 06, 2004
Dr. Henry’s theory was proven correct, and the rest of them were put to shame. by Benny Maniacs on November 06, 2004
WORST SHORT EVER! by scoop on November 07, 2004
Nothing comes from nothing. by Will Disney on November 08, 2004
Meatpacking requires Meatpackers by scoop on November 08, 2004
Father Miller vs. The Squid God by Mr. Pony on November 09, 2004
Tournament #5 - Winner: Will H. Disney by TheBuyer on November 09, 2004
by Will Disney on November 09, 2004
by TheBuyer on November 09, 2004
by Jon Matza on November 09, 2004
by Dick Vomit on November 09, 2004
by Mr. Pony on November 09, 2004
The Stench of the Soil by Ewan Snow on November 12, 2004
Ramsay was a virgin by TheBuyer on November 12, 2004
A Hole by TheBuyer on November 13, 2004
Many adults complain today's youngsters lack respect for authority... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2004
When I came back to my car and saw that orange paper on the windshield by qualcomm on November 18, 2004
When ol' Jacob Truetree posted bills for his First Annual Raree and Exhibition of Fistic Science, most folks didn't expect the old codger himself to headline the card. by qualcomm on November 19, 2004
Dear Sirs, by Dylan Danko on November 20, 2004
They said it could never happening. Well it's happening. THE ALIEN RAIDERS by Benny Maniacs on November 21, 2004
Up there in the closet, Edward had a pretty good view. by Will Disney on November 22, 2004
The Sweet Kittens Play In A Pile of Soft Things by TheBuyer on November 22, 2004
Consider this its epitaph. by Ewan Snow on November 22, 2004
How Working At The Drive-Thru Can Kill You by TheBuyer on November 23, 2004
Captain, I can't get high off this mermaid! by scoop on November 26, 2004
Will Disney looked at the authors' left hand menu... by Jon Matza on November 29, 2004
I go through a heck of a lot... by qualcomm on November 30, 2004
Burt strode executively to the whiteboard and squeaked off the cap to a Dry Erase marker. by Dick Vomit on November 30, 2004
Prelude to a Regret by Ewan Snow on December 01, 2004
A Virgin Tries to Talk His Way Into a Blowjob by TheBuyer on December 02, 2004
"And this is my insignificant other," I said, pushing Debbie forward. by qualcomm on December 02, 2004
I peeled off my sock and examined the large open sore on my instep. by Ewan Snow on December 02, 2004
Protopatrio-sexual fucking ritual test #127A by scoop on December 03, 2004
I woke up this morning with amnesia. by Jon Matza on December 03, 2004
Motion raised to lick your cunt. by qualcomm on December 06, 2004
[Excerpt from The Comprehensive Guide to Superhero Lineage] by Dick Vomit on December 06, 2004
Katrina wore the pants in the family. by Dick Vomit on December 06, 2004
Right then and there I made my decision. by John Slocum on December 07, 2004
Conversation between the sexes. by John Slocum on December 08, 2004
Asshole Dandruff by TheBuyer on December 08, 2004
I walked into the emergency room sicker than shit and the doctor came in, shutting the door abruptly. by Phony Millions on December 09, 2004
Being an author, I decided I was all powerful and omniscient. by Dick Vomit on December 10, 2004
Jim Lipidina met Linda Gregario in 1983 at a Journey concert in the Hartford Civic Center. by Phony Millions on December 11, 2004
Fuck. by scoop on December 11, 2004
Aromas and Love Part III by John Slocum on December 12, 2004
Microman vs. Baron Von Shrinkthofen by Mr. Pony on December 12, 2004
Sooner or later they all fell. by qualcomm on December 13, 2004
Birdneck by Dick Vomit on December 13, 2004
Dr. Seuss and scoop fail to negotiate a sexual interlude by Dick Vomit on December 14, 2004
When last call finally came around Chaperón Jiménez was mindful to wait ten full Mississippis before slithering up to the underage skank at the bar. by Jon Matza on December 14, 2004
Dictation. by scoop on December 19, 2004
My dog Henry had died, and I really loved this dog. by Will Disney on December 20, 2004
The Plot Against Tatooine by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2004
Non-alcoholic whiskey by qualcomm on December 21, 2004
Shane Mahoney fails to see how exactly one short by every prominent member of the Acme Community addresses certain pressing issues, and awards each exactly one star. by Mr. Pony on December 24, 2004
Don't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. by Jon Matza on December 24, 2004
"Good point." by scoop on December 26, 2004
cocks and fucking by TheBuyer on December 28, 2004
Young, innocent blond pussy and rock-hard, long black cock by John Slocum on December 28, 2004
I was having an existential crisis... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 2004
Snorgshank the Barbarian sank his broadsword deep into the orc king's flesh-hole. by Jon Matza on January 01, 2005
I think we need to strategize the refrigerator better by John Slocum on January 02, 2005
The Old Timer by scoop on January 02, 2005
The gay godfather by Ewan Snow on January 03, 2005
I.. I just... by qualcomm on January 04, 2005
Johnny: Mr. Carter, where you were yesterday? by Benny Maniacs on January 04, 2005
Understanding Comics Even Better by Jon Matza on January 06, 2005
hagit mizrachy crams a day's worth of insanity into three hours or so; retires personality, more or less by Mr. Pony on January 07, 2005
Tim kissed Susan with resignation at the entrance to his apartment and said goodbye, shutting the door. by Phony Millions on January 07, 2005
Listen by Dylan Danko on January 08, 2005
John watched by TheBuyer on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part I by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part II by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part III by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part IV by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part V by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part VI by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part VII by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
Just tell me what happened. by Dick Vomit on January 13, 2005
Swirling in the widening gyre, bland corruption mephiticized the mid-twentieth century American novel. by qualcomm on January 13, 2005
To be accurate, I only drink when I'm already high by TheBuyer on January 13, 2005
Ben's Boner by Jon Matza on January 14, 2005
I'd been tasked by qualcomm on January 14, 2005
The elf's semen has healing properties. by qualcomm on January 15, 2005
Groucho finds out he is dying. by scoop on January 16, 2005
Jane *loved* giving blowjobs. by Will Disney on January 16, 2005
I once knew this Japanese girl who was in this little world of her own. by Benny Maniacs on January 17, 2005
Dave set his coffee down by TheBuyer on January 18, 2005
This short is not to be doubted. by qualcomm on January 19, 2005
Who wrote this one? by Ewan Snow on January 19, 2005
Butch pulled off his cap... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
A dense and wild forest... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
I’m not willing to compromise. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
untitled by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
I don’t presume to tell you your business. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
Madman and Beav by Jon Matza on January 20, 2005
To initiate guys into our soccer club by TheBuyer on January 21, 2005
Mac by qualcomm on January 21, 2005
Dr. Gregori threw up into the sink, then inhaled the pendulous, sludgy vomit, and threw it up again by Benny Maniacs on January 22, 2005
The three cerulean moons of Morktond lurched inexorably toward each other... by scoop on January 23, 2005
Laura and I by Phony Millions on January 24, 2005
Tournament #6 - Winner: qualcomm by TheBuyer on January 25, 2005
by TheBuyer on January 25, 2005
by Will Disney on January 25, 2005
by Mr. Pony on January 25, 2005
by qualcomm on January 25, 2005
by Benny Maniacs on January 25, 2005
by Dick Vomit on January 25, 2005
by scoop on January 25, 2005
by John Slocum on January 25, 2005
FDR Fart by John Slocum on January 27, 2005
Ever since I found Zoo-lady, my life has become unexpectedly meaningful. by Benny Maniacs on January 27, 2005
I have these dreams about throwing up by TheBuyer on January 28, 2005
"I think I'll telegraph the end of this short," said Roald Dahl fingering his turtle head as the magic elevator shot out of the ionoshphere like a turd into the giant, black maw of outer space by John Slocum on January 28, 2005
As a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. by Jon Matza on January 28, 2005
Defau Winston III stared at his reflection in the lens of the government video camera... by scoop on January 30, 2005
Concorde 77 by qualcomm on January 30, 2005
Aaaaaaa by Mr. Pony on February 01, 2005
I spent an hour by TheBuyer on February 04, 2005
The Chinaman was up to something devious... by Jon Matza on February 07, 2005
A cure for cancer. by John Slocum on February 07, 2005
The woman who sat across from Peter on the train every morning had been away the week before. by Will Disney on February 07, 2005
The middling ghost haunted the not particularly desolate moor with its customary apathy. by Jon Matza on February 09, 2005
The Three Brothers by TheBuyer on February 10, 2005
Funny how I became the bad guy by qualcomm on February 10, 2005
Tom Cruise and that cute little girl from Man on Fire and I Am Sam by Benny Maniacs on February 10, 2005
Dan danced with his wife Sylvia at the wedding, regarding the floral arrangements with satisfaction. by Phony Millions on February 11, 2005
I had to go home for my parent’s fiftieth wedding anniversary. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 11, 2005
qualcomm and TREE engage in one of the most epic and important battles in Acme history by Mr. Pony on February 14, 2005
A palate's a crazy, mixed-up thing to base your life on by John Slocum on February 15, 2005
Dr. Pimsling by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2005
Fuck the Pope by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2005
President's Day by qualcomm on February 16, 2005
Talk to Her Pussy. by John Slocum on February 16, 2005
James A. Michener's West Hartford by qualcomm on February 16, 2005
Ava and the FYORNCH by Mr. Pony on February 17, 2005
Dan and Rajnahish: A Ventriloquist's Story by scoop on February 18, 2005
Jennifer Lopez's ass was flying over the suburban town. by Will Disney on February 20, 2005
Carlotta held her great, fluffy tuchus in the air. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 21, 2005
In the field before him, Dr. Fisk, geologist, was held entranced by his team excavating a diamond pipe. by Benny Maniacs on February 21, 2005
Morontown by qualcomm on February 21, 2005
The life of Howard. by John Slocum on February 21, 2005
Browse Shorts by: by Jon Matza on February 21, 2005
The Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta by Jon Matza on February 22, 2005
Dear everyone, by TheBuyer on February 22, 2005
Ava and the FYORNCH: The Buffet by Mr. Pony on February 24, 2005
The animals. by Dick Vomit on February 25, 2005
Ivan looked and looked, digging into the snow with his thickly mittened gloves, but he could not find his soul. by Benny Maniacs on February 25, 2005
The Old Neighborhood. by scoop on February 26, 2005
Unfucked. by scoop on February 27, 2005
The Ear by TheBuyer on February 28, 2005
There was only one way to describe Phineas Gage’s mood: irritable. by John Slocum on March 01, 2005
The Best Boyfriend in the World by qualcomm on March 01, 2005
I always do jobs on foot. by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
A Picasso by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
Joe and the Insurgents by TheBuyer on March 03, 2005
Yeah, so Silvio Berlusconi was givin' me the ol' five-knuckle shuffle... by Dick Vomit on March 03, 2005
I quit my job the day I won the lotto. by TheBuyer on March 03, 2005
“My name’s Jack and I’m forty-two." by Phony Millions on March 03, 2005
ARE YOU A WOMAN PLANNING ON COMMITTING SUICIDE? by Will Disney on March 04, 2005
My name is Gerald Durmursenton... by Jon Matza on March 04, 2005
Ava and The FYORNCH: Ava's First Time by Mr. Pony on March 05, 2005
Before the Great War, when Fatsoes ruled the world by Benny Maniacs on March 07, 2005
I thought it would be safe by qualcomm on March 12, 2005
STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE. by Dick Vomit on March 14, 2005
The Dinner Party by qualcomm on March 14, 2005
Snow and qualcomm have a mindbending argument over which of them is meaner by Mr. Pony on March 15, 2005
Her cunt was getting wetter and wetter with every sip. by John Slocum on March 16, 2005
Food supplies were running dangerously low. by scoop on March 16, 2005
new guy by TheBuyer on March 17, 2005
Vicks by scoop on March 17, 2005
If you asked Bates... by Jon Matza on March 17, 2005
Selected Shorts by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
A Love for Fool by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
Beardsley by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
The Poles by Dick Vomit on March 20, 2005
Ava and The FYORNCH: Ava's Last Day by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2005
Ava and The FYORNCH: Enter The FYORNCH by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2005
Nude Descending a Staircase by Ewan Snow on March 23, 2005
First Short that merely mentions Chanukah by Mr. Pony on March 24, 2005
retarded cat by TheBuyer on March 24, 2005
This is the story of Genry Iosconturo. by Jon Matza on March 24, 2005
Garrett by Dick Vomit on March 27, 2005
group by TheBuyer on March 31, 2005
Father walked towards me slowly, brandishing a straight-edge razor. by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
Where she at by qualcomm on April 01, 2005
The purpose of this short, reader... by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
The miniature robots moved up Sally’s vagina into her uterus, heading toward the fallopian tubes. by Will Disney on April 02, 2005
What Ketchup Can Do To a Guy by John Slocum on April 02, 2005
Supply and Demand by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2005
The Healing Hands of Christ by TheBuyer on April 06, 2005
Aromas and Love Part IV by John Slocum on April 06, 2005
You are sick by John Slocum on April 06, 2005
FUCKING WILL H DISNEY FUCK by Dick Vomit on April 07, 2005
After breakdancing for a while, a teenage Karol Wojtyla took a breather by Benny Maniacs on April 08, 2005
My Name is Chester by TheBuyer on April 08, 2005
Dead Author by TheBuyer on April 09, 2005
On account of his adventures on the raft with Jim by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
Tournament #7 - Winner: Jon Matza by TheBuyer on April 12, 2005
Jim had gone out drunk driving, had hit a pole, and had become a statistic. by Will Disney on April 12, 2005
Jeffry sat on his fluffy duvet by TheBuyer on April 12, 2005
The blank page is a whore by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
"Studies show that fat people are five times as likely..." by Jon Matza on April 12, 2005
I've got a number of facts at the ready by Dylan Danko on April 12, 2005
Statistics by Mr. Pony on April 12, 2005
I'd like to extend my gratitude to each of you... by Jon Matza on April 18, 2005
The first Guest Month is announced by Mr. Pony on April 21, 2005
Darth Vader thoughtfully worked over his magenta plasticine by Benny Maniacs on April 21, 2005
Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 21, 2005
Hey, Jackie, I like your friend, Sonia. by John Slocum on April 23, 2005
The man cockroach was fucking the lady cockroach. by Will Disney on April 24, 2005
Welcome Back, Sir! by Will Disney on May 13, 2005
My bland expression belied the emotional turmoil by qualcomm on May 18, 2005
I used my Dremel tool to cut a real sweet quarter inch bevelled groove in my skull by TheBuyer on May 19, 2005
A brave group of heroes valliantly defends the Wikipedia Acmeshorts article. by Mr. Pony on May 19, 2005
Little Elsie looked so pretty standing at the corner in her red dress... by Jon Matza on May 20, 2005
I had the Belgian slut just where I wanted her by qualcomm on May 21, 2005
"If God really exists as described in the Bible, why doesn't He just prove it?" by Jon Matza on May 22, 2005
Dan was fifty thousand feet tall, and could fit inside a regular-sized thimble. by Mr. Pony on May 24, 2005
My Little Pony and me have done nothing wrong by TheBuyer on May 25, 2005
David could see by TheBuyer on May 26, 2005
What was left of Johnny... by scoop on May 26, 2005
If you grew up on the East Coast, chances are... by Jon Matza on May 27, 2005
Ronald Hankpanker had trouble getting women to fuck him. by John Slocum on May 30, 2005
There was a place that the nuns went to be on vacation. by Mr. Pony on June 01, 2005
The Day of The Kittens by TheBuyer on June 01, 2005
Acmeshorts/KittenWar Entries by Mr. Pony on June 01, 2005
There was a hermit woman... by Benny Maniacs on June 02, 2005
My feelings were hurt again, and this time it wasn't just the name calling. by Jon Matza on June 06, 2005
Have you tried Vaginol, Sherri? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2005
AcmeShorts by Will Disney on June 09, 2005
Welcome to the future, folks! by Will Disney on June 09, 2005
Stomach Foot by qualcomm on June 09, 2005
Old Summer Sausage by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
Ol' Summer Sausage by qualcomm on June 09, 2005
qualcomm by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
you are a cunt by Jon Matza on June 09, 2005
FU by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
Death Blossom by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
Rainbow Bridge, The by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
God was sitting in his office by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
Wikipedia by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
Muppety by qualcomm on June 10, 2005
And the meeting of the Order Commenced by TheBuyer on June 10, 2005
Before the time of yore... by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
Egg Martini by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
Two people walked down the street. by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
Commander Cain by Mr. Pony on June 12, 2005
I don't know about the other guys on this site--but I feel less concerned about "yesterdays" than I do about "tomorrows"! by Jon Matza on June 12, 2005
“This,” Dave whispered, pausing with a showman’s instincts, “is where the magic happens.” by scoop on June 12, 2005
Mr. Pony apotheosizes into a being of pure irony by qualcomm on June 13, 2005
First regular weekday with no new Author Short since beginning of New Cruelty by Will Disney on June 16, 2005
, no? by Will Disney on June 16, 2005
Ooh! Oww! Oooh! by Jon Matza on June 16, 2005
He bled out and became a body before the ambulance arrived. by qualcomm on June 16, 2005
mulp by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
Grolsch, guy? by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
brother by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
feelings by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
"good guy" by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
clove hitch by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
TV coroners always eat sandwiches by TheBuyer on June 17, 2005
pentultimate by TheBuyer on June 17, 2005
Spider & Scorpion by Mr. Pony on June 18, 2005
You are not a winner. by scoop on June 19, 2005
I will never forget my first sexual experience and I'm going to tell you about it right now. by Mr. Pony on June 19, 2005
Alexander and his local guide, Akbar, sat at the counter, sipping ouzo. by Will Disney on June 19, 2005
retards by TheBuyer on June 20, 2005
mom and dad by TheBuyer on June 22, 2005
“Okay folks, it’s time to listen to me..." by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2005
My Own Private Golgotha by Mr. Pony on June 24, 2005
Homosexuality may refer to a sexual orientation characterized by... by Jon Matza on June 26, 2005
And now, as all hope seems lost, I am rescued. by Mr. Pony on June 26, 2005
OHHHHHHH baby... by scoop on June 26, 2005
You're rhymes are so stupid that they're deaf, blind and dumb by Benny Maniacs on June 27, 2005
Poor, poor Mumfrey by scoop on June 29, 2005
James…do you find me attractive? by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
In the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing! by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
The train station at Toulouse was confusing... by Will Disney on July 01, 2005
When I raise my hand, I always make you flinch by Benny Maniacs on July 02, 2005
Sting by qualcomm on July 03, 2005
"James...do you find me attractive?" by Jon Matza on July 08, 2005
Sir Johnsberry stood with sword drawn as the dragon approached the village. by Will Disney on July 09, 2005
Troy sat on a bench fiddling with his tink-tink. by TheBuyer on July 09, 2005
Once upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. by Jon Matza on July 09, 2005
Knute's not all bad. by scoop on July 10, 2005
My combo and I were really cookin by qualcomm on July 10, 2005
Fantastic Four Fan Fiction by Mr. Pony on July 10, 2005
Hobbema Alberta by TheBuyer on July 12, 2005
My name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. by Jon Matza on July 12, 2005
Dear Dr. Virakrishira... by Jon Matza on July 13, 2005
Message Board Short by TheBuyer on July 15, 2005
Samuel Templeton had always hated people. by Will Disney on July 17, 2005
Do you know how fast you were going by qualcomm on July 17, 2005
There are things I have to do... by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
Philip Jones pulled his mackintosh tight around his chest by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
A particularly hard low and fast-moving cloud by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
Critics are divided on Fellini’s 8 1/8 by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
Berkowitz floored it. by Dick Vomit on July 19, 2005
As I clung to... by Benny Maniacs on July 21, 2005
The Birds and the Bees by Will Disney on July 24, 2005
Your daughter's in love, Ms. Perez by qualcomm on July 24, 2005
Laundromat by Mr. Pony on July 24, 2005
In olden times, you could make a major philosophic advance with no training whatsoever by qualcomm on July 26, 2005
Grungy bars, church picnics, video dating services… by qualcomm on July 26, 2005
Acme Name by Mr. Pony on July 26, 2005
an by TheBuyer on July 26, 2005
Peter and Ann could hear footsteps coming down the hallway of the spaceship. by Will Disney on July 28, 2005
Disney and Mr. Pony defeat qualcomm by Mr. Pony on July 28, 2005
Two puppies by TheBuyer on July 28, 2005
“Damian’s taking a mental!” by Jon Matza on July 29, 2005
I have peculiar habits... by Ewan Snow on July 29, 2005
Sexy blonde 5'6" SWF... by Jon Matza on July 31, 2005
When I left the life behind by qualcomm on August 03, 2005
Womyn's Lib by Ewan Snow on August 03, 2005
Affirm/agree by TheBuyer on August 04, 2005
Something smelled like shit. by TheBuyer on August 05, 2005
Thornton took his last gasp. by Will Disney on August 07, 2005
It being the height of summer by qualcomm on August 07, 2005
"Vivian," he said. by Mr. Pony on August 07, 2005
Brian locked the door to his office and wandered over to the window by TheBuyer on August 09, 2005
Doctor Gevelder by TheBuyer on August 09, 2005
It Turned Cold by Ewan Snow on August 09, 2005
Not quite the Viper. by scoop on August 09, 2005
The Golden Age by qualcomm on August 11, 2005
Ladies and gentleman, distinguished colleagues by qualcomm on August 13, 2005
Most useless thread ever by Mr. Pony on August 15, 2005
Even Odds' breath misted under the sodium lights by qualcomm on August 15, 2005
retard's dozen by TheBuyer on August 17, 2005
That McGinty sure gets a rise outta me! by Dick Vomit on August 18, 2005
Private Peep!!!! by Dick Vomit on August 19, 2005
balls by TheBuyer on August 19, 2005
Hello ladies and germs... by scoop on August 19, 2005
The Unfettered Wisdom of Dylan Danko by TheBuyer on August 20, 2005
Hello. by Dick Vomit on August 22, 2005
"I have procured a small bird," said Daddy Turlus. by Jon Matza on August 23, 2005
Murg by Dick Vomit on August 23, 2005
Rivulets of oleaginous perspiration cascaded down Will Disney’s enormous chest and quadricep muscles onto the deck of the Jolly Mackerel... by Jon Matza on August 24, 2005
I found the woman by TheBuyer on August 25, 2005
LIVESTRONG by qualcomm on August 26, 2005
"That," said Henry, "is the biggest dick I've ever seen." by Mr. Pony on August 30, 2005
Will you help me work on my act? by Ewan Snow on August 31, 2005
Pretty sure this dude who used to live with a friend of mine has got something like this going on right about now... by Dick Vomit on September 01, 2005
“Say”, Authors? by Jon Matza on September 02, 2005
My cow and my wife. by TheBuyer on September 03, 2005
I work with machines. by qualcomm on September 06, 2005
Three Birds... by Jon Matza on September 06, 2005
Memoir Excerpt by Ewan Snow on September 11, 2005
I'm going to try to write a short for tuesday. by Dick Vomit on September 11, 2005
Good Morning, Feldspar by Mr. Pony on September 13, 2005
SUZANNA: THE UNDEAD COCK HOUND OF THE MISSISSIPPI DELTA!! by Dick Vomit on September 13, 2005
Blammo. by Dick Vomit on September 14, 2005
The Illusionist by Dick Vomit on September 16, 2005
Dave sat still by TheBuyer on September 17, 2005
And lo, the centurion did doubt the King of Kings by qualcomm on September 17, 2005
Jollys Comix by Jon Matza on September 18, 2005
Time is But a Nut Cake by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
"Classify yourself" by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
Portrait of a Marriage by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
Hey, kitty-cat - what would you do? by John Slocum on September 26, 2005
I have notions about myself which you may find ridiculous by Ewan Snow on September 26, 2005
He was an expert in soft tissue cavities. by qualcomm on September 29, 2005
To my guts by TheBuyer on October 05, 2005
It started off... by Ewan Snow on October 06, 2005
For want of a nail, the kingdom blew A-Rod. by qualcomm on October 10, 2005
I am going to write about my true feelings. by Ewan Snow on October 14, 2005
“This isn’t my dog.” by Ewan Snow on October 17, 2005
awkward by TheBuyer on October 19, 2005
Fact by Ewan Snow on October 24, 2005
“These attempts at defining reality... by Ewan Snow on October 25, 2005
Italian For Shitheads by qualcomm on October 25, 2005
Mr. Harvey Breaks The Bank (A Mr. Harvey Adventure) by qualcomm on October 25, 2005
Pop & Ace by Dick Vomit on November 03, 2005
It’s the same old bullshit. by qualcomm on November 07, 2005
There's a lot more to being a pimp by qualcomm on November 16, 2005
Martin drank a lot of milk by TheBuyer on November 19, 2005
men stink by TheBuyer on November 30, 2005
My deformed son is a real ass hole. by scoop on December 07, 2005
Handsome Frederyk Weisensteinowitz skipped jauntily toward his new future, each stride more optimistic than the last. by scoop on December 09, 2005
At first I thought I was being paranoid. by scoop on December 16, 2005
Edward's mail-order bride wasn't quite living up to expectations. by Will Disney on December 17, 2005
2000 by TheBuyer on December 19, 2005
Jeanette was proud of Simon. by qualcomm on January 06, 2006
Unbeknownst to them, an afterlife awaits all of the many pets who pass through my ownership. by qualcomm on January 07, 2006
Something Else. by scoop on January 08, 2006
The Book of Rob by scoop on January 08, 2006
The Spirit of Seemingly Inconsequential, Yet Nonetheless Disastrous, Artistic Changes by qualcomm on January 09, 2006
The Balloon Man by scoop on January 10, 2006
Everyone just cut the shit. by qualcomm on January 19, 2006
Three openings to shorts that I just can't bring myself to finish. by qualcomm on January 26, 2006
They were all there to hear one man. by scoop on February 01, 2006
Yes, I am going to kill you, but it’s not what you think. by scoop on February 02, 2006
The Cave by scoop on February 02, 2006
A Completely Legitimate Cry for Help by scoop on February 06, 2006
Faces of Everybody by Mr. Pony on February 07, 2006
“Hi, mom, this is Veet by TheBuyer on February 12, 2006
Healthcare Provider by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2006
The Da Vinci Code Directed By Ron Howard And Starring Tom Hanks by Dylan Danko on May 19, 2006
God Of Our Fucking Universe (GOOFU) peaked his head around the line that spread out before him like a really, really long thing that you can’t see the end of. by scoop on June 02, 2006
"The Last Short Ever." by scoop on July 13, 2006
They say that life is like a block of marble by qualcomm on August 18, 2006
My asshole glows from deep inside me. by TheBuyer on August 24, 2006
This Guy Doesn't Have a Clue! by qualcomm on September 14, 2006
Before the Baby Boom by qualcomm on September 21, 2006
Disgruntled Customer Guy by scoop on October 03, 2006
Cosmology by qualcomm on October 08, 2006
Requiem for Korngold by qualcomm on November 24, 2006
Symbiosis Man by qualcomm on January 17, 2007
It's Martin Luther King Day by qualcomm on January 17, 2007
i'm going to kill your children by TheBuyer on January 23, 2007
My Cum by qualcomm on January 23, 2007
I think I hyperextended my elbow hailing a taxi. by TheBuyer on January 25, 2007
Joe and Henry broke into a liquor store one night by TheBuyer on January 25, 2007
You are scared. by scoop on January 29, 2007
A force nine gale slashed it's way south from Newfoundland by TheBuyer on January 30, 2007
I ordered another Dust Cloud... by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2007
FYI by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2007
Guest Month Kicks in Automatically, Saving Acme Shorts by Mr. Pony on May 01, 2007
Having taught Aubrey to swim... by qualcomm on May 15, 2007
Good enough by qualcomm on May 25, 2007
Danica Schroeder by qualcomm on June 06, 2007
Good Help by qualcomm on August 20, 2007
5k by qualcomm on August 22, 2007
Here’s the thing about monsters that most people don’t know. by scoop on August 26, 2007
The new guy by qualcomm on September 09, 2007
Word Count: 69 by TheBuyer on September 12, 2007
Sometimes my pussy gets so fucking wet. by scoop on October 02, 2007
Spock Mind Melds with a Thermostat by qualcomm on October 15, 2007
What is free will? by qualcomm on October 18, 2007
What is free will? by qualcomm on October 18, 2007
Couldn't help feeling bad for her standing alone at a party like that... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2007
corrine's story by TheBuyer on December 06, 2007
Dubya slid onto my sofa by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2007
First Hanukkah Short by Mr. Pony on December 10, 2007
I awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. by Jon Matza on December 11, 2007
Jennie's World by qualcomm on December 22, 2007
Involuted Coagularium in Peach Cardboard and Tempura, #17 by qualcomm on December 26, 2007
A New Translation, by P.U. Buttmeunster by qualcomm on January 07, 2008
I needed a logo and I needed it fast. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2008
Science Tits by qualcomm on April 01, 2008
“You managed to get into my office, Mr. Phlonthonth, you've got two minutes. What's your pitch?” by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
Humidor by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
The audio cassette hissed away on aJkrh's Nagra. by qualcomm on April 29, 2008
Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others... by Jon Matza on May 12, 2008
papal bull by qualcomm on June 30, 2008
gakwer by qualcomm on August 01, 2008
We were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in. by qualcomm on August 13, 2008
I keep my mind in my brain by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2008
Bob & Jenny by qualcomm on September 17, 2008
Short #*** by qualcomm on October 03, 2008
Hunchcock's Dilemma by qualcomm on November 15, 2008
Shakespeare Can Suck a Rhinoceros' Cock as Far as I'm Concerned, and That Goes Double for the Rest of You Crapping Cocksuckers by qualcomm on January 05, 2009
Dr. Various by qualcomm on February 25, 2009
Maturity. by qualcomm on March 19, 2009
The Nature of the Ways Things Woiks by qualcomm on March 24, 2009
DIY by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2009
Pants by Mr. Pony on April 06, 2009
Stirring the sauce in an x-rated, counterclockwise motion, Bamberg smiled meaningfully at the girl on his couch. by Jon Matza on April 07, 2009
Good News Much? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2009
Pony’s Soliloquy by Jon Matza on July 18, 2009
Do Android Hillbillies Fuck Electric Sheep? by Ewan Snow on August 21, 2009
Looking in the mirror, I turned a sardonic eye on my eye. by Jon Matza on September 28, 2009
The deception gene's recessive by qualcomm on October 26, 2009
The Sanguineous Tale of the Hideous Demon Andrew Jackson by qualcomm on October 30, 2009
Barriers Against the Encroaching Spirit of Power by scoop on November 03, 2009
Short #244 by qualcomm on January 13, 2010
For Whom the Stew Tolls by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
Five Hundred Times Sharper than Steel by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
Short #245 by qualcomm on March 31, 2010
Listen up, bitches... by Jon Matza on April 28, 2010
They found the decedent inside his vehicle by TheBuyer on January 19, 2011
unavailable by TheBuyer on January 22, 2011
In the twilight... by scoop on January 26, 2011
Where It's All Heading by qualcomm on January 29, 2011
The Ultimate Flesh Holocaust for 800 of Your Carbon Based Dollars by scoop on February 17, 2011
EXT. LOS ANGELES – HOME DEPOT - MORNING by Dick Vomit on February 23, 2011
Mr. Ginoo and Mr. Pot by qualcomm on April 28, 2011
We are Herring in Cream Sauce by scoop on June 01, 2011
We are Herring in Cream Sauce by scoop on June 01, 2011
“Walking out on another big showdown, Johnny Crisco?” by qualcomm on August 07, 2011
You Probably Think by qualcomm on December 23, 2012
I suffer from a rare and debilitating condition. by Ewan Snow on June 19, 2013
Exeunt by qualcomm on October 17, 2013
JF by qualcomm on June 03, 2014
Lerpa, The by qualcomm on June 03, 2014
@ the Supermarket by qualcomm on June 03, 2014