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Shorts from Jon Matza

  1. Numbers are down for July...and this concerns me. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  2. Even the most hardened criminal needs some code to live by. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  3. What? by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  4. Please pass the potato chips by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  5. Collins carefully rubbed the stone tablet with cotton pads dipped in alcohol. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  6. How glad I am! by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  7. Why must she always fixate on what I do wrong, mused Bob, by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  8. Upon walking into Levitz and finding the Colonial settees of yesteryear… by Jon Matza on April 25, 2002
  9. An unspecified number of individuals were engaging in… by Jon Matza on June 03, 2002
  10. It was our honeymoon. by Jon Matza on July 08, 2002
  11. Seater stood in a slightly crouched postition, thigh muscles rippling… by Jon Matza on August 06, 2002
  12. With dread, I regarded the Chalice of Og'Bthulon. by Jon Matza on December 20, 2002
  13. At last the door gave way, and Johansson breathlessly burst into the room. by Jon Matza on February 23, 2003
  14. A fluffy, adorable little baby bunny named Bunny Wunny... by Jon Matza on March 11, 2003
  15. Ron Porton: This always happens. by Jon Matza on March 16, 2003
  16. Phineas got up... by Jon Matza on March 24, 2003
  17. Little Joe had booted another grounder, an easy one this time, and my patience was wearing thin. by Jon Matza on March 31, 2003
  18. With infinite guile, "Banny" Slumaski bit several pieces of dead skin off the tips of his fingers and arranged the detritus on the arm of his chair in a semicircle. by Jon Matza on April 11, 2003
  19. Everyone thinks they are so smart reading and writing these short shorts, but I wonder... by Jon Matza on April 14, 2003
  20. A classroom full of well-behaved students sat quietly. by Jon Matza on April 20, 2003
  21. I sat trembling. My cumulative author ranking had gone down... by Jon Matza on April 22, 2003
  22. "Oh, that's right, Susie...you've never been to Club Tre-chique!" by Jon Matza on May 01, 2003
  23. As his friends reached out one by one towards family and domesticity... by Jon Matza on May 15, 2003
  24. Dan hit Jack in the gut. Pow! by Jon Matza on June 09, 2003
  25. In a flash, Ranford made up his mind: he would decline to comment. by Jon Matza on June 21, 2003
  26. "Long time no see, friend!" by Jon Matza on July 09, 2003
  27. A series of sharp reports echoed through the air as I hammered my great cock against the table. by Jon Matza on July 29, 2003
  28. Egg Jenny reached into her panties and pulled out another handful of warm egg salad. by Jon Matza on August 08, 2003
  29. “Could I please have a boat, Santa?” by Jon Matza on August 24, 2003
  30. 'Asea Again' by Jon Matza on September 10, 2003
  31. 6 p.m., VIP Pub. by Jon Matza on October 02, 2003
  32. Airea lays inside his/herself at the bottom of his/her stomach by Jon Matza on October 07, 2003
  33. Too often we find ourselves in situations that we would have preferred to have avoided! by Jon Matza on October 21, 2003
  34. Alzheimer disease is a degenerative disorder of the brain! by Jon Matza on November 04, 2003
  35. I think we should totally be more open to the things around us in general! by Jon Matza on November 11, 2003
  36. Captain McBarton hadn't seen a storm like this since his ill-fated stint as first mate on the Jolly Jimson during the Great Monsoon of Calcutta. by Jon Matza on November 26, 2003
  37. Johnny Jinky was majorly pumped. by Jon Matza on December 01, 2003
  38. "Oooh!" by Jon Matza on December 04, 2003
  39. "Never again shall the mighty ones be assailed," I suavely asserted. by Jon Matza on December 09, 2003
  40. Folks, I'm not going to lie to you: I can get you a great deal on just about any popular high-end software package. by Jon Matza on December 15, 2003
  41. Within a matter of days you - the Acmeshorts community - will molest me and threaten to kill me if I tell my parents. by Jon Matza on December 18, 2003
  42. "I was wrong when I called you the stupidest child I ever met," I said, lashing the terrified boy to the side of the boat. by Jon Matza on December 30, 2003
  43. A few pebbles lay in the dirt near the base of the church gate. by Jon Matza on January 06, 2004
  44. I've made some pretty stupid blunders in my day, but nothing compared to the time I accidentally shot myself in the balls! by Jon Matza on January 13, 2004
  45. "Move away from the retard." by Jon Matza on January 18, 2004
  46. My kudos itched. by Jon Matza on January 22, 2004
  47. all about potatos! by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
  48. I've been varying my workouts a lot lately. by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
  49. Pressure me all you want; I will show you my erection on a need-to-know basis only. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2004
  50. "Afternoon, Dr. Rivington." by Jon Matza on February 16, 2004
  51. I've worked with junior high kids for over fifteen years now, and I have a confession to make: I probably learn more from these youngsters than they ever learn from me! by Jon Matza on February 17, 2004
  52. Though far from sentimental, Judge Arthur Windsor-Withers found himself deeply moved by the heft and sway of Mrs. Peggins' enormous thighs. by Jon Matza on February 22, 2004
  53. Ladies, have a heart, now. by Jon Matza on February 28, 2004
  54. by Jon Matza on March 01, 2004
  55. "What's in the bag?" by Jon Matza on March 03, 2004
  56. Boarding the elevator to the 37th floor, I was deeply engrossed in thinking about the various nuances of my pain. by Jon Matza on March 10, 2004
  57. These two are the best buddies I by Jon Matza on March 17, 2004
  58. The most fascinating conversation of all time was occurring live on broadcast TV. by Jon Matza on March 20, 2004
  59. Dude, you fucked up BIG TIME by not going to Shaun Belorus's party last weekend. by Jon Matza on March 29, 2004
  60. "Congratulations, Mrs. Numan. Your baby is a healthy six pounds, three ounces." by Jon Matza on March 30, 2004
  61. Satan had a problem. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
  62. Ronus (the red one) and Rodus (the blue one) had been waiting for what seemed like hours. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
  63. Much humor can be gleaned from the anecdote I am about to relate to you which pertains to a conversation that took place between a horse and a cow. by Jon Matza on April 14, 2004
  64. Texxx/Cabot Suicide Note by Jon Matza on April 15, 2004
  65. "There remain some possibilities for a rational explanation," I began. by Jon Matza on April 16, 2004
  66. Fence Guy by Jon Matza on April 20, 2004
  67. Sweet wings by Jon Matza on April 27, 2004
  68. "Where did all the other celebrants go?" wondered Sherwoode upon returning from the garden. by Jon Matza on May 09, 2004
  69. "Three Terrible Tales of Sorrow" by Jon Matza on May 11, 2004
  70. I sat waiting in the audience at the Lafeteria for one reason and one reason only: to even the score with Jolly Jamie Jinkles. by Jon Matza on June 03, 2004
  71. The Mindscapes of Charles Czynski by Jon Matza on June 04, 2004
  72. One Fine Day in the Park by Jon Matza on June 08, 2004
  73. by Jon Matza on June 10, 2004
  74. 37-yard attempt by Jon Matza on June 17, 2004
  75. Leila and Jeffrey's long-smoldering attraction wasn't rekindled by one single glance--it was ignited into a blazing fireball. by Jon Matza on June 28, 2004
  76. Matza's Monolith Discourse sets off a mint furore by Jon Matza on July 13, 2004
  77. It was hard to deny that my extreme anal makeover had been something of a lemon. by Jon Matza on July 19, 2004
  78. How was I to know when I slipped the headphones on that a screaming onslaught of machine gun guitar licks would fly off the strings of Jimmy Page’s Stratocaster... by Jon Matza on July 22, 2004
  79. "She did it again!" by Jon Matza on July 30, 2004
  80. The Forgotten Ones by Jon Matza on July 31, 2004
  81. Gregory's Tale by Jon Matza on August 06, 2004
  82. At first William Warren didn't understand what Todd Tanner meant by "Bring your rubber hole." by Jon Matza on August 09, 2004
  83. "This '44 Schlumberger has a real Goebbels thing going on", I said slicing a razor thin section from the Jew eyeball I was enjoying with a bit of aged Explorateur. by Jon Matza on August 12, 2004
  84. I stared down at my naked, prostrate wife with shock, disbelief and revulsion. by Jon Matza on August 27, 2004
  85. Acquaintances and friends alike constantly ask me, "How do you manage to lead such a comfortable lifestyle yet still maintain financial stability?" by Jon Matza on September 12, 2004
  86. You wanted a short, Disney? by Jon Matza on September 25, 2004
  87. Golden shafts of sunlight danced sirloinly in the autumn air as the villagers sought to reap the bounty of their rad harvest. by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
  88. Matza short magically prophesizes Fall of Acme by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
  89. The thrill was gone. by Jon Matza on October 07, 2004
  90. Billy Crystal felt hot tears roll down the bridge of his nose and into the space once occupied by his stupid beard. by Jon Matza on October 14, 2004
  91. Yurndt breaks silence, weighs in by Jon Matza on October 17, 2004
  92. A Treatise on Horror by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
  93. Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
  94. Poor Horace...! by Jon Matza on October 22, 2004
  95. All about eggs! by Jon Matza on November 02, 2004
  96. Three non-tenured individuals sat side by side in Room C. by Jon Matza on November 04, 2004
  97. by Jon Matza on November 09, 2004
  98. Many adults complain today's youngsters lack respect for authority... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2004
  99. Will Disney looked at the authors' left hand menu... by Jon Matza on November 29, 2004
  100. I woke up this morning with amnesia. by Jon Matza on December 03, 2004
  101. When last call finally came around Chaperón Jiménez was mindful to wait ten full Mississippis before slithering up to the underage skank at the bar. by Jon Matza on December 14, 2004
  102. Don't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. by Jon Matza on December 24, 2004
  103. Snorgshank the Barbarian sank his broadsword deep into the orc king's flesh-hole. by Jon Matza on January 01, 2005
  104. Understanding Comics Even Better by Jon Matza on January 06, 2005
  105. Ben's Boner by Jon Matza on January 14, 2005
  106. Madman and Beav by Jon Matza on January 20, 2005
  107. As a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. by Jon Matza on January 28, 2005
  108. The Chinaman was up to something devious... by Jon Matza on February 07, 2005
  109. The middling ghost haunted the not particularly desolate moor with its customary apathy. by Jon Matza on February 09, 2005
  110. Browse Shorts by: by Jon Matza on February 21, 2005
  111. The Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta by Jon Matza on February 22, 2005
  112. My name is Gerald Durmursenton... by Jon Matza on March 04, 2005
  113. If you asked Bates... by Jon Matza on March 17, 2005
  114. This is the story of Genry Iosconturo. by Jon Matza on March 24, 2005
  115. Father walked towards me slowly, brandishing a straight-edge razor. by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
  116. The purpose of this short, reader... by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
  117. "Studies show that fat people are five times as likely..." by Jon Matza on April 12, 2005
  118. I'd like to extend my gratitude to each of you... by Jon Matza on April 18, 2005
  119. Little Elsie looked so pretty standing at the corner in her red dress... by Jon Matza on May 20, 2005
  120. "If God really exists as described in the Bible, why doesn't He just prove it?" by Jon Matza on May 22, 2005
  121. If you grew up on the East Coast, chances are... by Jon Matza on May 27, 2005
  122. My feelings were hurt again, and this time it wasn't just the name calling. by Jon Matza on June 06, 2005
  123. Have you tried Vaginol, Sherri? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2005
  124. you are a cunt by Jon Matza on June 09, 2005
  125. I don't know about the other guys on this site--but I feel less concerned about "yesterdays" than I do about "tomorrows"! by Jon Matza on June 12, 2005
  126. Ooh! Oww! Oooh! by Jon Matza on June 16, 2005
  127. Homosexuality may refer to a sexual orientation characterized by... by Jon Matza on June 26, 2005
  128. James…do you find me attractive? by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
  129. In the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing! by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
  130. "James...do you find me attractive?" by Jon Matza on July 08, 2005
  131. Once upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. by Jon Matza on July 09, 2005
  132. My name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. by Jon Matza on July 12, 2005
  133. Dear Dr. Virakrishira... by Jon Matza on July 13, 2005
  134. “Damian’s taking a mental!” by Jon Matza on July 29, 2005
  135. Sexy blonde 5'6" SWF... by Jon Matza on July 31, 2005
  136. "I have procured a small bird," said Daddy Turlus. by Jon Matza on August 23, 2005
  137. Rivulets of oleaginous perspiration cascaded down Will Disney’s enormous chest and quadricep muscles onto the deck of the Jolly Mackerel... by Jon Matza on August 24, 2005
  138. “Say”, Authors? by Jon Matza on September 02, 2005
  139. Three Birds... by Jon Matza on September 06, 2005
  140. Jollys Comix by Jon Matza on September 18, 2005
  141. Couldn't help feeling bad for her standing alone at a party like that... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2007
  142. I awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. by Jon Matza on December 11, 2007
  143. I needed a logo and I needed it fast. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2008
  144. Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others... by Jon Matza on May 12, 2008
  145. Stirring the sauce in an x-rated, counterclockwise motion, Bamberg smiled meaningfully at the girl on his couch. by Jon Matza on April 07, 2009
  146. Good News Much? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2009
  147. Pony’s Soliloquy by Jon Matza on July 18, 2009
  148. Looking in the mirror, I turned a sardonic eye on my eye. by Jon Matza on September 28, 2009
  149. Listen up, bitches... by Jon Matza on April 28, 2010