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Dr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. Most of them looked hungover, but a snappy young reporter pushed to the front of the crowd. “Doctor, doctor, how is the patient?”

“He’s in critical, but… ugly condition.”

“Who cares?” the reporter shot back.

The doctor looked into the distance and popped a boner. “His very, very, very, very slutty wife.”

A short crusty old reporter elbowed the snappy kid in the balls and shoved a microphone in the doctor’s face. “How would you diagnose acute abdominal pain accompanied by nausea or vomiting” – he took a deep breath – “loss of appetite, increased blood pressure and temperature?”

“Acute appendicitis.”

“Fuck!” The crusty old reporter wandered off toward Admitting.

Date Written: May 20, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 3.95

05/26/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I'll give this fucker four big ones. Started off quite excellently, ended a tad flatly.
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Is this a historical short?
05/26/2004 anonymous: Nope. It's brand new. It just has classic stylings.
05/26/2004 Will Disney (5): very strong start but the ending was not so 'acute'. 4.5 stars!
05/26/2004 TheBuyer (5): Five for laughs and style and the complete lack of unnecessary bullshit. YAY!
05/26/2004 Jon Matza (4): 1st 4 grafs were clutch.
05/26/2004 Pix: Am I stupid or just the wrong gender? Either way I'll wait till I finish more morning coffee to vote.
05/26/2004 qualcomm (3): i thought it was downhill after the name. doesn't compare to other reporter/statement-giver shorts in the author's canon
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony (3): I actually think it goes slightly uphill after the name. It feels a little paint-by-numbers.
05/26/2004 anonymous: Saying it's "paint-by-numbers" is a paint-by-numbers comment.
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony: It was that or "Mad Libby", pal. Take your pick.
05/26/2004 anonymous: That's just silly. This short is merely a platform for three or four jokes. Think some or all of the jokes are flat as others have said? Okay, fine. But exactly how are they fill-in-the-blanks (or choose your metonym) jokes?
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Maybe you've hit on it. The short IS merely a platform for the 3-4 jokes (are you counting "who cares"?) you mentioned. Doesn't really hold together for me. It's probably not supposed to, but I guess it feels a little like the jokes are just being posed on a shelf. Here's a joke. Here's another. Here's another. They're sort of interchangeable. Don't get me wrong, author--I actually liked a majority of the jokes, especially the last one. I'm just trying to explain the paint-by-numbers statement I made. Which, I guess, I stand by.
05/26/2004 anonymous: That makes a lot of sense.
05/26/2004 TheBuyer: MadLibby my ass, this has good cadence and delivery, it's snappy, not patch-work.
05/26/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): Is Ptolemy Telegenicles played by Groucho Marx? I like this. The last joke is the weakest, but the first cut is the deepest.
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Who's playing the crusty old reporter?
05/26/2004 TheBuyer: J.S: I would also suggest that every day is a winding road.
05/26/2004 anonymous: Pony: Peter Falk?
05/26/2004 Dylan Danko (3):
05/26/2004 scoop: I'm sure whoever the reporters featured in this short are, they in no way resemble Anthony Wills, general manager of Newsday Interactive, Diane Goldie, editor of NYNewsday.com, Debby Krenek, Newsday cross-media editor, and Dennis Elder, editor of Newsday.com. Because these imagined reporters don't display the reportorial moxy, the gritty detedrmination, the horny passion for the truth, required to win the "Editor & Publisher EPpy for Best Overall Newspaper-affiliated Internet Service with under 1 million monthly unique visitors award." Only the rarefied few ever conceive of winning the "Editor & Publisher EPpy for Best Overall Newspaper-affiliated Internet Service with under 1 million monthly unique visitors award." I mean a plucky reporter like myself would fucking cum all over his fucking self if he was even nominated for the "Editor & Publisher EPpy award for Best Overall Newspaper-affiliated Internet Service with under 1 million monthly unique visitors award..." Fucking ETC.
05/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Dude, that's totally what I'm saying.
05/27/2004 Dylan Danko: Scoop, they seem like a swell bunch of people .
05/27/2004 scoop: Bravo, Danko! They're like a procession of rejects from the J-Crew Catalogue Make-over Competition.
05/27/2004 mr.coffee (4): I'm with Benny on this one.
10/2/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4.5): Last joke = best