home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


After his son entered, Joe closed the gate that led into the children’s park and glanced at another father who stood with his daughter close by. Joe smiled at him, and imagined some bond with the other father, as both of them were sharing time with their children in the park. There was a swelling in Joe’s chest, a slight welling of tears in his eyes, and a tightening in his groin area.

In fact there was no bond between the two men, so Joe’s smile was contrived. He intended his smile to convey, firstly, a lightly conspiratorial tone, as if to say, “You know, fatherhood is so crazy but you wouldn’t trade it for a million bucks, right?” Further, Joe meant to send a more reptilian, non-intellectual message, one of reassurance: “Don’t worry. I know to close the gate; I’m watching out for the kids too.”

For all the nobility of his intent, the outward appearance of Joe’s effort was one of decay and sadness. His grin, more like a leer, showcased his upper row of teeth, browned from 12 years of methadone maintenance. When the other father merely looked back at him with suspicion and annoyance, Joe felt his confidence slip, followed by slight nausea and a receding in his groin.

Joe saw the small round cap on the man’s head. As he began to push his son on the swing, he silently rehearsed the more prevalent strains of his bitchy anti-Semitism – ‘it’s just a form of tribalism, those beanies or whatever they call them’… ‘why do they think they’re so superior?’…‘well, they do watch out for their own, you’ve got to give them that…’ Joe allowed an idiot hatred to enter his blood, observed it, and discarded it with revulsion.

Next, Joe fancied that he felt an even-keeled oneness, not just with the other father, but with the other parents in the park, and perhaps humanity in general. This was a typical gambit within his consciousness, whereby his thought-processes – mostly fantasized projections – cartwheeled through a parody of Hegelian dialectics: First, there was a simple sentiment, often too simple and cloyingly sweet, followed by an equally simplistic antithesis of that sentiment, usually expressed with malevolence. Finally, a synthesis of the two sentiments would be reached, and Joe would experience a temporary feeling of mental stability and clarity.

This ‘clarity’ often collapsed quickly, because whatever temporary respite it may have allowed Joe from the whimsical, low-grade insanity of his thoughts, it also brought the stinging realization that he had no control over the dull hum of his consciousness in general.

As noted, Joe’s manic highs and lows were often accompanied by activity in his groin area and stomach region. He had speculated about some link between mental activity, peristaltic movement, and latent, involuntary sexual stirrings. Today, however, Joe experienced a different kind of clarity concerning his groinal activity, one admittedly more pragmatic and earthly:

He realized that he simply had to take a shit.

Date Written: May 24, 2004
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.25

05/31/2004 qualcomm (5): i have a confession to make: i live in joe's groin area, and it's i who cause his testicles to tighten and release. how? during moments of excitement, i grab a huge armful of the elephanty flesh, brace my feet against his inner thigh, and push upward with all my might. when the moment has passed, i release. and how do i know when to do it? easy. a combination of good old fashioned detective work (listening to what joe says, observing his surroundings through his fly, etc.) and science: joe doesn't know it, but between his testicles and anus (what some call the bonch) i have inserted a thin strip of palladium and one of barium, about one centimeter apart. attached by wire to complex machinery, they allow me to take galvanic skin response readings. Mystery solved!
05/31/2004 Phony Millions (5): 5 stars for The Lerpa's explanation! Especially for introducing me to the term 'bonch', and for the description of 'elephanty' flesh.
05/31/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I think maybe the red pill and the blue pill might do the same thing.
05/31/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Yeah. I'm the guy who tweaks Joe's nipples, except I'm not little. I'm 6'3".
05/31/2004 Will Disney (3):
05/31/2004 TheBuyer (5): Anything less than a five would be semi-derranged.
06/1/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Lerpa is the Cremaster!
06/3/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Yeah, some call it the "bonch," I guess, but I prefer the "taint." Yup.
06/3/2004 qualcomm: taint is for chicks, bonch is for dudes.
06/3/2004 Phony Millions: nice.
06/3/2004 TheBuyer: also called choda and kazif [kazif it wasn't there all your guts would fall out]
06/4/2004 Phony Millions: !
09/25/2005 Dylan Danko (3): The last line ruins it for me.