home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Old Man Jenkins stared at me cryptically through the screen door of my home. “What do you want?” I growled, not inviting him into the house. Over the years, we had found a way to communicate; indeed, one could say that we ‘felt a certain sentiment towards each other.’

“Now listen, Evans. I agreed to mow your lawn for a fair price, but I didn’t count on no human shit getting caught in my blades. This John Deere here has lasted me for 23 years, and I aim to hold on to her for another 20 at least, God willun’.”

Damn it. I had to recover fast. “Jenkins,” I barked, “I told you to shelf all those hackneyed Judeo-Christian slogans when you come around my property!...” I tried to continue but faltered, and he knew I was cornered.

“Don’t you try to lead me astray, Evans. And I’ll praise the Lord any time I see fit.” He leaned closer, with his head almost against the screen, and opened his eyes wide for effect. “What in the hell are you doin’ takin’ a shit on your lawn, you sick bastard?” There was the hint of a smile.

I tried another approach, caring less somehow. “I’ll take a shit anywhere I please, Jenkins,” I said, with a tone of ironic authority.

The next moment was sublime. Jenkins sensed the mocking tone in my last statement. But who would I be mocking – myself? Was I implicitly admitting to him that I was really just a sick bastard who shat on his own lawn now and then for the fuck of it? Yes! But the argumentative tone of my words threw him off, suggesting I was ready to spar with him some more. What would he get me on, though, if I had essentially pre-empted him by acknowledging my own depravity? He was confused; I had stolen his thunder.

“Damned if I understand you city folk. Just keep your shit off my tractor, you hear?” He skulked away like a wounded animal.

It was another stalemate for my neighbor Old Man Jenkins and I.

Date Written: June 02, 2004
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.58333

06/7/2004 Ewan Snow (4): This is pretty funny; it got a chuckle out of the old Snowball at least. I like how it's apparently self-evident that the shit is human. Also, it seems the author of this sequel was attempting a bit of Evans’ characteristic psychological complexity. Doesn’t quite work, at least not in the same way, but amusing nonetheless. Is this inside, BTW?
06/7/2004 Phony Millions: Hmmm...well there's nothing inside that you'd have to know really; was just riffing on Lerpa's 'Jenkins' character.
06/7/2004 Mr. Pony:
06/7/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
06/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Huh, I thought this was Lerpa writing a sequel to his own short, but trying to do it in your style. I considered it might be yours, but I didn't think so. Interesting...
06/7/2004 TheBuyer (5): I love these territorial pissings except with shit. C'mon people now, smile on yer brother.
06/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Pony, what the F is supposed to mean?
06/7/2004 TheBuyer: leading edge of a shit-storm?
06/7/2004 John Slocum (5): I love the relationship between these 2 characters. Such an anxious tension, and well handled by both authors.
04/26/2006 Master Bates (5): one of my favorite human shit stories. OK!
04/26/2006 qualcomm (4.5): i didn't like this so much when it came out. i'm glad i withheld my vote. third to last graf is streit's.