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I work with this fat fucking twat named James. James has hydroponically produced tobacco in his apartment. He's extremely annoying about getting the best of everything; the best shows, the best striped shirts, etc. He makes his own fucking mayonnaise, would you believe.
Anyway, one day James was in our office (I manage mutual funds with the bearded cunt), and he kept on bragging about his fucking Ford Escape hybrid and how amazing the "hybridization" of American car manufacturing was and how amazing his mileage was blah blah blah. It got to the point where I wanted to kick in his fat fucking teeth. He's only team leader because he has absolutely no trace of a life whatsoever outside work.
Anyway, his unbelievable gas mileage got me thinking, and later that night I took the train up to his place, found his car, and filled it up with gas. I continued to fill up his pompous-ass hybrid with gas every other night for three weeks. Fat-ass James kept coming into work with this astonished look, then would launch into his bragging tirade. He even went so far as to have the gas meter checked.
Then, like a logical but surprising Bach chord progression, I started to reverse the technique. Every night, I would syphon the fucker down to a quarter tank. James started shutting up. It was beautiful. The pudgy little sulk on his hairy gob. Priceless. But I was having too much fun to stop there. I snaked his house key out of his coat, and got a duplicate made. One night while he was at Avenue Q, I snuck in and spiked his tobacco soil with my piss. I had a few beers in me, so his latest crop yield must not have been a great one. I pissed in his mayonnaise too.
The next logical step is to have all his shirts incrementally taken out. Then have them taken in, but I have to research that line of thought further.
Date Written: June 13, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4.1765
Comments:
06/17/2004 Craig Lewis (5):
06/17/2004 John Slocum (5): An excellent story. A new hero.
06/17/2004 Mr. Pony (5):
06/17/2004 qualcomm (4): i like the writing, but i just didn't think it was that funny.
06/17/2004 Will Disney (5): stellar
06/17/2004 Phony Millions (4): Funny but not quite 5 funny like lerpster said.
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: Eu conheço James. Faz cada pessoa perto dele insana. Eu gosto dos gracejos incrementais. São também realidade eficaz.
06/17/2004 TheBuyer (4):
06/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): This voice is lerpa-esque. I, too, thought the writing was good, quite good, but the last line kind of landed with a thud. It's a strange idea to write about a well-executed practical joke. That's meant as neither praise or criticism. And for my last nonsequitur, I like this line: "James has hydroponically produced tobacco in his apartment." As if to say, "You know the type."
06/17/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I like it but the last line did strike me as being below the rest of the piece. Jimson: do you think it's Lerpaesque because of its use of the words twat and cunt? Or are their things going on here.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua (4): I think it is the Lerpa and the comment below is disinformation.
06/17/2004 qualcomm: i think it's brad evans
06/17/2004 qualcomm: joshua, if i'd written this, there's no way the narrator would piss, rather than jack off, into the mayonnaise.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: I'm not quite privy to how the math on AcmeShorts works, but here's a little something I just worked out:
From Lewis' vote through Joshua's, there are 10 votes registered, with a total of 40 starts given, which adds up to an average vote of 4. However, the average rating given by the site is listed at 4.4, which means that one of the votes must not have been counted toward the aggregate, presumably because it was submitted by the author. In order to get a 4.4 rating, therefore, it must have been a four star vote that was omitted (omitting a 5 star vote would have lead to a 4.3 aggregate). Only four authors have voted this thing a four:
Lerpa, Evans, Jimson and Maniacs. Therefore, one of those four is the author, assuming my methodology is correct. I maintain that it is the Lerpa, despite his denials.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: Amendment to last comment: The votes add up to 44 not 40, which creates an average of 4.40. By omitting a four star vote, you get the precise average of 4.44, which is what is listed on the site.
06/17/2004 qualcomm: yes, your math is correct. note, however, the Bach reference. evans.
06/17/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Doesn't really sound like Brad's usual voice, but who else among us would find Bach chord progressions logical and surprising?
06/17/2004 Ewan Snow: beat me to it on the Bach thing...
06/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Or is that merely a clever Lerpa ploy?
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: A good point....perhaps Evans threw in the "team leader" reference as a red herring. But this seems to be a marked departure from his style. Maybe that was the idea. Nonetheless, the vigor of your protest forces me to reconsider.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: Beat me to it on the red herring thing....although you suspect the Lerpa, and I suspect Evans. Maybe it's Maniacs.
06/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, there's just no way this is Brad. I can't see him using "would you believe" or, for that matter, "I work with this fat fucking twat named James." Jeez, now I'm confused!
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: Speaking of jerking off into mayonnaise, Alan Bergblass claims that while working at the West Hartford Waldbaum's seafood department, he jerked off into a particularly annoying customer's order of seafood salad.
06/17/2004 qualcomm: i think he was trying to take on the voice of a narrator totally unlike himself
06/17/2004 qualcomm: it could also be maniacs, who has some passing knowledge of classical music, i think
06/17/2004 qualcomm: joshua: was it good for the head?
06/17/2004 qualcomm: it could also be jimson. it could be any of the four but me.
06/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Did he have any help from A. Molotov, who worked in the seafood department there as well? His specialty was more along the lines of grand theft fish, however...
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: "is there money on this? I'll put an unqualified, uncommented five stars on the line and call this a Brad Evans short. Takers?" TheBuyer said, naively setting himself up for a 'festering little shit' joke.
06/17/2004 Mr. Pony: I'll bet somebody a star that it's Jimson.
06/17/2004 anonymous: sum of yuuz bastahds is write, sum is wrong
06/17/2004 qualcomm: shit, it's maniacs. his phone is busy right now, which means he's on the internet. obsolete technology using motherfucker.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza (4): Yes, quite.
06/17/2004 Litcube (4):
06/17/2004 Litcube: Seriously, whenever I post here, I feel like the guy in "Rejected" who's not wearing a silly hat. You guys are all wearing silly hats.
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: i have on no pants, Litcube. Uh? UH?
06/17/2004 Phony Millions: Als het was mij, zou het een beetje zwaar zijn, nee? In elk geval, jullie weten wel dat ik nooit in mijn leven het woord 'twat' heb gebruiken.
06/17/2004 Pix: In that case I'll change my bet to Benny Maniacs. Non-twatter.
06/17/2004 Pix (4):
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: Vous êtes Monsieur très sage Evans. Mais dupez-moi que vous ne pouvez pas. Ce n'est pas votre article. Non ! C'est la création de maniacle du benny. Oui. Un chien de crème a oublié le temporisateur de plat.
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: aww, Pix...my thunder.
06/17/2004 anonymous: I would have preferred it if the last seven of you who voted didn't.
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: WiHoo!
06/17/2004 John Slocum: Has anyone considered Pony as the author of this short? I think this is Pony. 12 minutes until we find out!
06/17/2004 Mr. Pony: Wasn't me!
06/18/2004 Jon Matza: Yes, Pony, it was you.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: I...
06/18/2004 anonymous (1):
06/18/2004 The Finch: I must say, even I am confounded by the identity of this "anon_user_a".
signed,
The Finch
06/18/2004 Ewan Snow: I like how the finch makes sure to sign his posts.
06/18/2004 TheBuyer: and somehow managed to i this entire comment section. very mysterious. very The Finch.
06/18/2004 Pix: Wondered about the sloppy html job myself... Hmmmmm.... Curiouser and Curiouser
06/22/2004 anonymous: I am anon_user_a.
signed,
The Finch
06/22/2004 The Finch: I am not anon_user_a
signed,
The Finch
06/24/2004 Great Satan (5): You work with this fat fucking twat named James, apparently. 666
01/4/2005 The Rid (5): This is the short that made me any acmeshorts fan. "Like a logical but surprising Bach chord progression." Ha!
01/6/2005 Dylan Danko (4):