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“When I look back at the slow shady days of childhood, and hear the laughter that echoed off the school walls in the playground, feel the grass against my cheek as I lounged in the sunny field that used to stretch behind Grandpa’s cabin, I cannot help but smell my bitter Age, whose putrid stench overpowers all the sweet memories of Youth long gone. Some might say I wanted it this way, but even if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t have changed a thing. Time robs Youth, but just because my particular youth was unguarded, wide open, doesn’t mean I deserved it. Is the theft of an unlocked house any less of a crime? It doesn’t matter now, of course, because the house has been stripped clean. But what is that stench, that awful stench of Time gone by? I have a theory: when Time was robbing my Youth, it was drunk and reckless. It brought its friends, Death and Disease. After they had taken my toys and the gentle touch of my mother (God rest her soul), long after they had boosted my innocence and jacked my hope, they loitered in the night and crazed by their own power, egged each other on to vandalize my Youth further. The rampage lasted for hours (and, to be sure, continues in its slow pace even to this day). But that one night, with Disease and Death there to embolden him, Time crouched and dropped his pants. He grunted with an effort that even sickened Disease and Death, who thought he had really gone too far, as he squeezed out a long black coil of shit on my coffee table.”

Date Written: June 16, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 3.5

06/21/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Iowno. Didn't grab me by the ballix.
06/21/2004 qualcomm (3): this reminds me of a similar episode in the Deptford Trilogy. only GAYER.
06/21/2004 scoop: what's the Deptford Trilogy?
06/21/2004 scoop: what's GAYER?
06/21/2004 scoop: What's Lerpa?
06/21/2004 qualcomm: deptford trilogy's a bunch of novels by robertson davies. there's this one part where all these kids break into a vacant summer house for the fuck of it, and one of them, a filthy nihilist, poops on the floor. or possibly on a table. can't remember.
06/21/2004 anonymous: Yes, this was a reference to that novel, The Manticore, though it wasn't necessarily supposed to require knowledge of the reference.
06/21/2004 qualcomm: ok, ok, i'm sorry. i assumed that it was a coincidental parallel, since pooping on stuff is such a common acme theme. as you were.
06/21/2004 anonymous: Well that's why this reference seemed so appropriate. One must search the literature for poop to reference.
06/21/2004 Litcube (4): I like poo.
06/21/2004 qualcomm: [clapping hands] All right, Acme, let's see some hustle! Let's show the Internet our communicles! Hey, Disney, F U! Scoop, how's life at the Daily News? Maniacs, why come your shorts have been sucking? Hey Ewan, why are you so in love with Lewis? Dylan - uhhh. Jimson, I had a wet dream about your son! Hey Lewith, look I'm you, I'm lithping! Pony: you pinko PC fuck, how was last evening's candlight vigil for AIDS victims?
06/21/2004 anonymous: You forgot to tell Slocum that wine's nothing more than glorified yeast shit.
06/21/2004 John Slocum (3): alcohol is glorified yeast shit, not wine.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer (3):
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Coach, I got a charlie horse, I mean a note from my doctor.
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Is this a sequel?
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Everything is glorified something!!
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: Hey, Lerpa, I'm really gutted over the whole Guided By Voices breakup! Indie rock will never be the same! And would you mind letting your Nipponese piece know that I hate her guts for bombing my great uncle into oblivion at Guadalcanal -- and for being so fucking sneaky and inscrutable? Thanks!
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: P.S. Why'd you spare Matza and Evans?
06/21/2004 qualcomm: matza's away on vacay, without internet access. hey evans, play some fucking Billy Joel, you pretentious dick.
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Don't worry, Lewis. The Willow's poised to fill that GBV void. It's Phish I'm worried about.
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh, for pete's sake, Danko, quit hinting! I'll take over for Phish, already!
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: I've been worried about Phish since they ripped off Bob Marley on the second track of Farmhouse.
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: Why-O's reunion tour sure to comfort grieving Phish Heads.
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: That sort of thing won't be happening in my Phish.
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: The Buyer: What's Farmhouse?
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: Album after The Story of the Ghost and the first record made in their new Virginia compound. Came out at around the same time as the Siket disc. It stinks.
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: I'm just pumped for the new Oysterhead.
06/21/2004 scoop: Don't clap too hard The Lerpa. Wouldn't want to damage those jewlefingering-coinstacking-moneygrubbing-contractdrafting-bargainhunting-earhair-picking-Tolkein-like stubby Jewyjew-jew fingers of yours. And it's not Daily News, you silly-crazy. But you knew that. Didn't you, I meant Didn't Jeyouuu.
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, I believe the Dude Of Life wasn't on Farmhouse.
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony, what direction will the band be taking under your leadership? Will you try to steer them away from really really sucking?
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: That's right, Dylan--When I take the helm of the NEW Phish, Job One will be not sucking. I have even more ideas; specific ideas that I can't really go into here (for legal reasons) but rest assured that our new directions and horizons will be really special.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: Showers for the first 200 rows at live gigs?
06/21/2004 Craig Lewis: Pony: just do me a favor and try to recapture the magic of the Siket disc, ok?
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony, I see a Gwar-like transformation.
06/21/2004 scoop: "...Quiet the dog, tether the pony To a distant post..."
06/21/2004 Dylan Danko: I fucked Yeats in the ear once.
06/21/2004 Litcube: When I came home just now, I took my shoes off.
06/22/2004 Phony Millions (4): fuck all y'all.
06/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):