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From: the Desk of The President and CEO, John Youf
RE: Dogfight aftermath
That was one heck of a dogfight, and once again not the biggest, but the smartest dog comes out on top! Lull in the action, let's take advantage of this break and get our heads straight.
Fine summer quarter, thanks everyone for your hard work and I know you're all as thrilled with those numbers as I am; everyone in every department pulled their weight and then some, and as president and CEO, I'm absolutely bursting with pride, looking to the future etc. Now, to business.
Dave - thank you for the stellar job you pulled as my wingman last night. Got a little carried away though don't you think? Seriously, Moanin Maureen Post-it Note Troll of the Typing Pool? Department head or not Maureen is such a stupid bitch. I've wired your sawbuck, and hardy-fucking-har you ARE the fucking king,
Shelly - your husband is a lush, divorce him. Immediately.
Taylor - What are you laughing at? LISA? H-R Head Whore! How did you get past the smell? Talk about stink! FUCK! Stupid ugly bitch smells like jackal scat except in a bad way. Smells so bad her soap committed suicide, seriously, jumped right down the goddamn toilet with her toothbrush. Get some pride in your ass.
HR - ten thirty, staff incentive packages for the new year, breaktime/over-time calculations. Also, what's with Karen? Did you see those kids? They're feral, and there are like five of them; Jesus suffering fuck, FIVE of em! What fucked that five times? That's what I want to know. What in the hell would willfully fuck that nasty, nasal, paralytically ugly cunt on purpose five separate times?
Admin - see you at nine, we're discussing files not worked in the last ten days, settlements vs. payment in full, and you're all way too fat.
Date Written: June 17, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.5
06/21/2004 Will Disney: i'm intrigued by this one.
06/21/2004 anonymous: just let me get those extra breaks off the bottom, one sec
06/21/2004 anonymous: there. thank you for your patience, feel free to comment and rate, i know those extra spaces can be a real mind-fuck.
06/21/2004 qualcomm (2): while there are a couple funny sentences here, the thing as a whole is just so damned incoherent. i feel like i'm taking retard pills.
06/21/2004 anonymous: fair enough. sloppy writing or unclear concept?
06/21/2004 qualcomm: i think i understand that you're talking about the kind of dogfight from the movie dogfight, ie, who can bang the ugliest bitch. so a couple of the memo entries make sense on that score, but then, so much of it doesn't seem to fit in that context, including the note to Shelly and HR/Karen... i'unno. very confusing.
06/21/2004 scoop (3): The Lerpa just hasn't gotten enough pride in his ass.
06/21/2004 anonymous: Aaaah! Fuck, I should have seen that; complete red-herring.
Explaination: This is an inter-office memo. President of the company writes a quartly memo sends it to everyone usually pointing out specific achievements, records etc.... I just got one from head-office congratulating everyone on giving 110 percent, going the extra mile, reminders to eat lunch in the break room, shit like that.
06/21/2004 anonymous: "should have seen that" meaning, "should have changed the name from dogfight to something else"
06/21/2004 Ewan Snow (4): I thought this was pretty funny. Not sure what the lerpa found confusing. I figured "dogfight" referred to either a real dog fight which had (for some reason) taken place at the office party or was a metaphor for the team's superb competitive effort over the last quarter.
06/21/2004 anonymous: yup, the latter. no dogs were harmed.
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony (4): For a while I was thinking of a dogfight with planes and stuff. Much like my persistent image of Jon Bon Jovi's robot horse. Anyway. The concept is basic, but the individual jokes and tone are a lot of fun. Just over the border into four.
06/21/2004 scoop: No, no Pony's right it's fun...like a plate! Fun!
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Plate?
06/21/2004 anonymous: plane+pilot=plate?
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh! In my comment, the two remarks aren't connected. That's what the "Anyway" was supposed to be doing--Disconnecting the two ideas. Sorry for the confusion, scoop!!
06/21/2004 scoop: "...Quiet the dog, tether the pony To a distant post..."
06/21/2004 Mr. Pony: "paHlaw’ chImQeH parHa’ puq ghu pIn’a’ jISuvchoHQo’ largh lo’laH..."
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: oh you.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: Your Klingon has improved, Mr. Pony.
06/21/2004 TheBuyer: I bet it has, anyhow.
06/22/2004 Ewan Snow: Lerpa, where can I score these "retard pills" you mentioned below?
06/22/2004 qualcomm: i bought them from this really cool dude i met in central park. his name is Sunshine.
06/22/2004 scoop: Lerpa, Snow: get hip to the 21st Century, baby. They're called "re-re" pills on the street.
06/22/2004 Ewan Snow: Dude, his name was Sunrise, not Sunshine. And yes, he was cool. Oddly, I was just thinking about that this morning on the way to work for some reason...
06/22/2004 TheBuyer: Actually, so was I. Funny, huh - acme trickledown. We call em 'reet's
06/23/2004 Pix (4): If you left the original you woulda got a fiver.
06/23/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Hey this isn't bad!
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: cheers!
12/3/2004 TREE: oh my, I have recieved this exact memo from several employers over the year. F'n hilarious just what I needed. Just as a point of fact I never recieved my 5$
12/3/2004 TheBuyer: the entire last graph was taken out of your daytimer, brutha
12/3/2004 TREE: I may have been Shelly's husband . And I am curious why every admin department is so fucking fat? I sit at a desk and type all day as well and have not become 300 fucking pounds yet.