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With dread, I regarded the Chalice of Og'Bthulon. The poisonous hemlock swirled menacingly in its depths. I writhed in vain, unable to free myself from the tissue paper cuffs binding my wrists and ankles. Observing my futile efforts with its single yellow eye, my reptilian captor crowed with triumphant, gleeful malice. "Wait, Pthulon!" I screamed. "You win! I will reveal to you the secret chamber where lies Encyclides' Treasure!" The creature shrieked with laughter and strode forward. "Bottoms up!" it cried out in what I recognized to be North Slimian. With a maniacal gleam in its eye, the cursed frog-man lifted the bejewelled goblet towards my lips and tilted it to the heavens.

Moments later the deadly elixir was working its way down my throat and into my veins."Could my being the gay actuary have anything to do with this?" I thought bitterly. "Gee--I wonder." As a series of final, excruciatingly painful convulsions wracked my body, I reproached myself for being sarcastic (and rhetorical) at such a moment rather than preoccupied with more appropriate spiritual matters. Also for being gay.

Date Written: December 20, 2002
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.3

04/7/2004 John Slocum (5): How could this jewel in the rough have passed without being voted on? Fantastic. One error: frogs are amphibians, not reptiles. Doesn't in the least ruin anything for me, although I can't help but think you did that on purpose to hurt me.
09/28/2004 Litcube: Frog-men are mammals.
09/28/2004 scoop (4): I wonder why my vagina and the rest of the community have neglected this sirloinish gem. It totally flirts with being Kodiak.
09/28/2004 TheBuyer (4): One of the older ones on here too.
09/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Wait, who's the Gay Actuary, again? Is that the same gay actuary as the other Gay Actuary? See, because that's why I've never voted on this short.
09/28/2004 TheBuyer: Do you mean this?
01/4/2005 The Rid (5): Just brilliant, amphibian/reptile confusion aside.
07/6/2005 Benny Maniacs (3.5): I wasn't sure about some of the jokes, and this uncertainty made me feel confused and angry at the short for causing me to consider the possibility of my intellectual inferiority. A vindictive 3.5.
07/6/2005 Benny Maniacs: For example, I don't know what a gay actuary is, and thus, the most important joke of the story was lost on me. I'm sure it was a good joke though.
07/6/2005 Jon Matza: Maniacs: you'll be sorry when I whiff you with my diabolical eephus pitch in next Sunday's Prospect Park wiffle ball game while qc and Scoop kill baby squirrels under the pretense of 'putting them out of their misery'.
07/6/2005 Mr. Pony: Ahem.
07/6/2005 Jon Matza: Oh! My apologies, Pony.
...afterwards you will hand the bat over to Pony, who will flail wildly at overhead airborne frisbees with it, shouting "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"