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Life, or something like it, had been stalking the Pederast lately and tonight it would finally catch up with him. Tonight (has it been that long?) the Pederast turns 50. That’s right -- the big Five-O. All day long at the office it had been one tedious running gag. “Let me get that for you old man.” “Hey, should we get the large print contract!” “Hey fella whaddya want for lunch something soft I bet, Huh? HAHA!”
Yeah, something soft. Real funny. The Pederast had laughed it off as good-natured ribbing.
But his laughter concealed a real sense of loss and a menacing, shapeless insecurity. On the commute home he became trapped in an echo chamber of regret and self-loathing. It seemed like he spent his life making plans, looking ahead, and never just enjoying the moment. And now there weren’t many of them left.
Mired in the quicksand of his thoughts the Pederast labored up the steps to his door, turning his collar against the chill. He shivered. He just felt so damned old.
He turned the handle and sensed immediately that something was wrong. Shuffling, whispers. And then before he could piece the puzzle together in his mind’s eye – the lights flicked on and he was greeted with a booming: SURPRISE! All his co-workers, his friends, his neighbors – they were all there.
A banner of glittery letters hung across his living room that spelled out “50 YEARS YOUNG.” There were balloons and cake and presents, aw wow! And in a moment, all the tension, all the fear, all the dread disappeared. The Pederast felt overwhelmed, infused with a newborn’s innocence.
As his friends cut his cake (vanilla with chocolate icing his fave!) and joined in a lively rendition of Happy Birthday the Pederast could not contain his glee. If you looked close, you could notice tears, happy ones, collecting in the corners of his eyes. What the hell. The party had made the old guy feel like a kid again.
Date Written: June 19, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: That punchline is so obvious you can see it from space. 1 star unless someone can guess which famous American novel from which I stole my UserName, "The Buyer" [the all one word thing is affectation, not a hint] Hint: author died in the summertime in the last ten years.
06/23/2004 qualcomm: bukowski. asshole.
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Is this the same pederast we've met before. If so, it's sort of funny how he never gets around to pederasty.
06/23/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm going to go with A. A. Milne.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I agree with the Lerpantine on this. The Buyer, you really do sound like an asshole there. It reminds me of this time I witnessed Burt Reynolds on a movie set, offering one dollar bills to the crew if we could guess the answer to his annoying trivia questions. I'm beginning to like this pederast guy though. There was also one of him walking an old lady across the street, which humbled me profoundly.
06/23/2004 qualcomm: lerpie might have to three-star this based on the walking the old lady across the street one. seems the joke is essentially the same.
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Bukowski's not a novel. asshole. And wasn't there a character in Naked Lunch called he Buyer?
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: *the Buyer*
06/23/2004 qualcomm: hmmm... naked lunch... perhaps. the buyerrrrrrrr
06/23/2004 qualcomm: in fact, yes
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, as I recall he's addicted to something or other. And his turrrrds are sooooooo dryyyy you can crush them to dust, between your fingers... and not, even, leave, a stain.
06/23/2004 qualcomm: he gets contact highs by rubbing his body against addicts.
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh yeah, he's addicted to being a narc. Un-fucking-believable.
06/23/2004 Mr. Pony (4): By my count this is the third story in the Pederast Cycle (unless someone's using scoop's signature character and stealing his writing and typing habits and sense of humor), in which we peer inside the mind of a disreputable man and see that it's kind of regular!! Very nearly not a four, because it's the same fucking joke!!
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, buyer, I agree with Maniacs. Benny, did you really witness Burt Reynolds doing that? And buyer, what are we supposed to care if you one star this anyway? I'm divided on this short myself. Not sure how I'm going to vote.
06/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Those of you interested in ethics need to read the right hand column on drudge right now.
06/23/2004 TheBuyer (4): Perfect. Bradley The Buyer "best narcotics agent in the industry, he could walk up to pusher and score direct..." Benny: I am a bill collector, I get paid to be an asshole.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: Reynolds really did do the trivia thing.
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: Ewan: Doesn't really matter if you care or not, but you did answer the question. I'm glad it went the way it did though, I probably wouldn't have 1'd a scoop short regardless of the circumstances and I'd rather look like an asshole than a spineless asshole.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: I think the Buyer's a little offended.
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: Naw, I'm alright B.M, just super-busy; and also thanks for rating my stuff lately, I appreciate the feedback.
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: No "hard" feelings, buyer.
06/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey Benny, FU!
06/23/2004 Ewan Snow: I like buyer's use of B.M. for Benny. Benny, are you cool with that or is it too poopy for ya?
06/23/2004 Cooper Green (4): I haven't read the other Pederast shorts, so no reason to be disappointed with this one. In fact, I enjoyed this for the same reasons Messrs. Snow and Pony did, but a 4 because it's not the same fucking joke for me.
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: yup [emoticon]
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: oh, uh Cooper...uh, ya...sorry about sunday, eh. whoops! Also, speaking of Burroughs, I stole your book, accused you of being another guest author and something else...what else, what else...I may have peed in the pool a little, I'm not sure.
06/23/2004 Cooper Green: Not entirely true, The. You accused Pony, who is not at all a guest author, of being the Ex-me (upsetting for him, I'd think). And you have stolen dozens of my books. Why start confessing now?
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: I thought you were James K Polk, I also think you're The Finch and possibly D.B Cooper [but I think he would be older today.]
06/23/2004 TheBuyer: Because this one had a 20 in it.
06/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, only the Lerpa gets to decide when I'm upset!
06/23/2004 Litcube (4):
06/23/2004 Pix (4): Awwwwe...
06/23/2004 Phony Millions (4): This Mugwump gives it a solid four for wisely only alluding to his actual pederasty indirectly. 'On the commute home he became trapped in an echo chamber of regret and self-loathing...' I can't decide whether that's cool or a little creative-writing-y. It stands out a bit from the tone of the rest of the short.
06/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I've been calling someone very endeared to me "mugwump" for quite a few months now with a nagging suspicion that it meant something bad. You've forced me to look it up and confirm my suspicions. It just sounded way too cute to be perjorative.
06/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Boy, I'll say. Pretty irresistible word, though.
06/25/2004 scoop: Holy shit. Dude. What Japanese perverison of nature is this? And why dress it up with a muzzle-harness? And why suspend it from degenerate Voldo-like sex-chains? And why do modern humans, raised on reason and nursed on the teats of civilization, tend to indulge their every repressed violent fantasy on inantimate objects? And where can I get one?
06/25/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, it was on eBay, but no more. Some other lucky guy or gal has paid handsomely to coo over this fella.
06/25/2004 scoop: goo (sic).
06/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Scoop, I would never have figured you for a Calibur type.
06/25/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): The "same joke over and over" argument would hold water if there weren't other jokes here, but Scoop pretty much nails all the important details: large pring contract, something soft for lunch, "seemed like he spent his life making plans, looking ahead, never just enjoying the moment..." So, okay, there is the common thread of the joke, but I think he embellishes it enough to make it work. And Brad pointed out the most poignant detail: "echo chamber..." blah, blah, blah
RE: Mugwump. Yeesh, Pony. I was ready to commandeer that word and make it suit my purposes, but now I just don't know...
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow: Mulp, you said "large pring contract"
06/25/2004 Phony Millions: Thanks for the original def. of Mugwump, Jimson! I was referring to the Burroughs-slur - those weird creatures that appear in Naked Lunch, that Cronenburg imagined so grotesquely in his movie version that Mr. Pony linked.
06/28/2004 John Slocum (4): This was an entertaining read and it's my 20th short of the evening.
07/20/2004 TheBuyer: scoop, like an asshole i totally forgot.50!
you are excellent.
05/3/2005 TheBuyer: good times, good times...