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There was a time before time, when beasts walked the earth, and those beasts had a language called Zwargthram. The hoofen brutes enslaved our puny ancient ancestors, but the humans couldn't understand what was being commanded to them. They didn't speak Zwargtham, so they got whipped a lot.
These misunderstandings are what probably gave rise to the human revolution circa 330,000 BC (even though it was the time before time, it would be ridiculous to assume that their era couldn't have had a date attributed to it). After the revolution, the humans were the victors, and the beasts enslaved.
But while under the tyrannous bestial reign, the humans had been so badly treated, that they now rejoiced in the defamation of the carcasses of the slain enemy. They decided the most offensive thing they could do was to tear the beast's fallen limb from limb, and then throw the pieces onto smoldering coals. They took it one step further, and consumed the charred pieces with relish, all the while making it festive; drinking grog and laughing about it. The surviving beasts just looked back dumbly, unable to cry.
And that is the history of our modern day barbecue. Celebrate our victory! Have one today!
Date Written: June 21, 2004Comments:
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 2.8889
06/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): A perfect summer treat! I thought this was the origin of Eclipso for a second there...
06/25/2004 qualcomm (3): here's a rare gift from the lerpa
06/25/2004 Dylan Danko (2): Sorry, no.
06/25/2004 Craig Lewis (3): Danko, are we going to go watch the quarter-finals this weekend? (Pony, your Danes face a formidable Czech side on Sunday.)
06/25/2004 scoop (2): Man, that fucking punchline is so fucking dreadful it makes me want to turn away. If it ended at the first graf I thing it would have been okay. But man. I don't know.
06/25/2004 qualcomm: is this.... pony?
06/25/2004 Mr. Pony: I think barbecues are great! We should have one before it gets too hot! DENMARK SOCCERBALL TEAM 4EVA!!
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow (3): 2.97 or so...
06/25/2004 Will Disney: yeah, i'll give this one a 3 because i really do love a good bbq.
06/25/2004 Will Disney: but otherwise it's kinda weird. i like the logic regarding the year though.
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: I am a guest. I couldn't possibly have crapped out this awful turd. [whew!]
06/25/2004 Litcube (4): i like circa
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: It's better now, if I wait will get better still?
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: It's working! Yay!
06/25/2004 TheBuyer (3): couple of pretty good, small jokes
06/25/2004 qualcomm: grog. you anus.
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow: Actually, grog refers to rum diluted by the order of some British ship's captain. It would not have been used in 330,000 BC. Perhaps you meant mead. Mulp.
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: maybe it was frog; stagnant pond water gives you hallucinations and a wicked case of the deads.
06/25/2004 Phony Millions (2): Infantile/cutey, like that Clyde guy who writes on the side of the Times Metro Section.
06/25/2004 Phony Millions: It's a vieled apology for the Reagan years in its glib, complacent humor.
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow: Ha!
06/26/2004 scoop: I guess I just don't understand how THE TRUTH is "cutey".
06/26/2004 scoop: For the record, I think that last comment was from the author.
06/28/2004 The Finch: It wasn't.