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“I’m sorry I went into your behind, I’m really sorry - it was an accident. Look, I wasn’t trying to. I know it’s not your thing. I know you have a small hole. Yes, I know it hurts. Yes, yes, I know. I know. It was an accident. Whaddaya mean? I’m always careful. That’s a helluva thing to say when I feel terrible about it. No, it’s not a contest, I was just saying that to share with you that I feel bad for hurting you, I wouldn’t purposefully hurt you. Well of course it’s no secret I like anal love-making, I’ve told you before. Wait, are you saying I was trying to sneak into your backside even though I know you don’t like it? Cause I’m not. I do like it, I just said that, I might even prefer it sometimes, but I’m totally satisfied with your vagina, I don’t need your ass. Sorry, I know you don’t like that word. No, I’m not suggesting you think I need it. Okay, that was a little outta line, but look, it doesn’t feel good to be accused. Alright, I know you have some pain back there, you’re telling me, aren’t you? I have ears, don't I? You yourself said it wasn’t a contest. I’m not trying to compete with you and say being accused feels better or worse than a surprise cock in your ass. I’m sorry, I know you don’t like that word. I’m sorry. Okay, a surprise penis in your ass. I’m sorry, in your poo-poo. No, there’s no blood, just a little redness. Why don’t we just go to sleep? I didn’t have an orgasm either. I know you know I didn’t, I’m just saying we’re on the same footing, neither of us did. I’m sorry. Okay, good night. I love you too."

Date Written: June 23, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.9167

06/28/2004 TheBuyer (5):
06/28/2004 qualcomm (3): eh.
06/28/2004 Will Disney (4): 3.5
06/28/2004 scoop: "obviousness"
06/28/2004 Pix (5): !
06/28/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Yeah - something good and bad about this one. Second Disney's 3.5.
06/28/2004 Litcube (4): The "bad" is probably the fact that the conversation could be a *wee* bit more believable. But there is so much good.
06/28/2004 scoop (2): Where were you rasised, Litcube, in the arid environs of a J-Crew catalogue? The problem here isn't the "believability" of the conversation, it's that the conversation itself is so overwhelmingly uninteresting, obvious and unsurprising. But I guess if you like simple humor that doesn't stray from your well-kept worldview then this kind of thing will suffice.
06/28/2004 Craig Lewis (3):
06/28/2004 Craig Lewis: That's a gentleman's three.
06/28/2004 Litcube: Scoop. I love you, sweety. Don't be like that.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: "surprise penis in your ass" should be our team name this week. Other than that little gem, this kinda felt like one side of a phone conversation on a sitcom. The exposition hurt a little, not unlike a surprise penis in my ass.
06/28/2004 Ewan Snow (5): When I started this, I thought it was going to be terrible, but the author ended up pulling it off by developing the jokes. By the end, I laughed at the "not a contest" bit as well as the "you don't like that word" cock/penis-ass/poo-poo gag.
06/29/2004 Dick Vomit (5): heh heh. "Alright, I know you have some pain back there, you’re telling me, aren’t you?" heh heh
06/29/2004 Not Lisa (4):
06/30/2004 Mr. Pony (4): So you should know that "Surprise Penis in Your Ass" got big laughs from the crowd. Totally trumped "What Do You Mean, Wrong Hole" and left the others in the dust. According to scoop, some older woman in the bar made a face like "an infant who's just had a lemon wedge stuck in its mouth". So thanks. You've made us popular. I still feel the same way about this short--that you could have done this one half of a conversation thing more artfully. But there's some gems in here. Rounded up for obvious reasons.
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: Mr. Pony: So ya...are you reading this stuff at slam poetry?
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Nope -- we used it as a bar quiz team name. But there IS a poetry night...anyone?