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"It's gettin It's gettin It's gettin kinda hectic", the Bang and Olufson speakers announced, filtering music throughout the Waldorff's lobby. Ned Flanders (I know, I know) walked steadily down the lobby carpet towards the Victoria's Secret after-party. His circulatory system seemed to be in his gullet. His penis was inside-out, hiding in his bowels. But this was what he lived for. This was the grand-daddy of all pussy gettin' opportunities, and he was the grand-daddy of all pussy getters. So to him it was a really really important event.

Despite his penile fear, Ned walked into the bar like a prize-fighter, calm, panther-like; he was a hunter. He was also like an athlete or something graceful and sleek. What I'm trying to say here is that he looked like something you'd really admire and try to be like. He approached a woman standing near the bar. It was here where his years of experience would make him less inexperienced than someone without any experience whatsoever.

This army of statue women had to be infiltrated by unorthodox Special Ops techniques. Beauties like these were used to meeting men through a highly secure checkpoint system. Would-be suitors were granted a chance to compete only after trusty model-comrades allowed clearance to the next stage. So Insecurio had to make the meeting seem at once accidental and pre-ordained. And as this was already a predictable tactic, he had to be particularly unpredictable about it.

Flanders strutted up next to a beautiful brunette and declared “I’d recognize that ass anywhere”, and grabbed the model's ass roughly. She turned around, blank faced.
“Oh! Jesus!" he blurted, "I thought you were someone else! My God I’m sorry! I could have sworn you were somebody else – it really is uncanny. You'll have to let me buy you a drink in order to make up for that. I insist!" And it was here that he either had her or didn't. If she smelled his penile fear, if he hesitated for - not a nanosecond, but whatever the next step up from a nanosecond is, if he had so much as a fearful eyebrow expression, he was done. Let me make this clear: if there was even a hesitant doubtful ingredient in his menu of expressions, he wouldn't be succesful in his objective. Cuz as we know, women are drawn to confidence as a turtle is to sun. He smiled. She smiled. He had her. He had her like some type of owner who really hords things has something. He had her.

A half hour later they were boning in her room, her bisexual Victoria's Secret friend masturbating while she watched. What balls! What CAJONES! It's gettin It's gettin It's gettin kinda hectic, he mouthed.

Date Written: June 23, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4

06/23/2004 anonymous: This is the worst thing since Texxx's last shit.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: I resent that.
06/23/2004 anonymous: Fuck off.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: That's not nice. What did I ever do to you?
06/23/2004 anonymous: You fuckin made me.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: What is this dipshit TALKING ABOUT?
06/23/2004 anonymous: You invented me. Just now. You logged onto Acme Shorts, then you wrote a piece of shit short, then you got bored, and you conjured up an alter ego and clicked "anonymous", and started a conversation with yourself. That's what I'm talking about. And this short isn't even posted yet. Look at the dates on our correspondence, stupid.
06/23/2004 Benny Maniacs: OK. Whatever, dude. Whoever you are.
06/23/2004 anonymous: You're fucked in the head.
06/27/2004 Benny Maniacs: You're fucked in the head.
06/28/2004 scoop: I think you're both right.
06/28/2004 anonymous: hey user_a, why don't you just back the fuck off of Benny for a minute, asshole. Man, fake people are such jerks.
06/28/2004 Will Disney (3): let's here more about what he mouthed - come on, this was getting horny!
06/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Now I get it.
06/28/2004 scoop (5): This kind of refined awkwardness doesn't come easily. "the grand-daddy of all pussy gettin' opportunities, and he was the grand-daddy of all pussy getters", "if he hesitated for - not a nanosecond, but whatever the next step up from a nanosecond is","He had her like some type of owner who really hords things has something." This thing is long and goofy, sure. But fuck it.
06/28/2004 TheBuyer (5):
06/28/2004 Pix (3): her bisexual Victoria's Secret friend masturbating while she watched
WHAT? Makes no sense. Guy or girl? Why did'nt this 'friend' just join in? You had me till that point.
06/28/2004 Jon Matza (4): Yeah, good tone. Hard to pinpoint. I for one also enjoyed the pre-publication self-dialogue.
06/28/2004 qualcomm: thinking of giving this a three. i'll let the author stew in his own fear juice while i make up my mind.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Careful o' that fear juice, ladies--it'll knock yeh right up just as easy as y' please!
06/28/2004 Litcube (3):
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony (5): The "Bisexual Victoria's Secret Friend" made me laugh, and I think it was a swell ending. 4.5.
06/28/2004 John Slocum (4): I also enjoyed the thing Scoop pointed out. Some of it reminded me of lines from The Black Adder ('you twist and turn like a twisty-turny thing"). Paragraphs 2 and 4 do it for me.
06/29/2004 Dick Vomit (4): I enjoyed this, Benny. Truly. But the masturbating bystander smells like a ripoff of my earlier porno short, but since the masturbating onlooker is an established convention in porno, who the fuck am I to say anything about it?
06/29/2004 Not Lisa (4): Fine. And points given for that song being stuck in my head all fuckin' day.