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In the days of yore, the short-short scriveners worked late into the night by goose tallow wicks, copying the short-shorts and commentary that the Authors had written that week. Before dawn on Monday, they’d fetch a suitably smudge faced whelp from the streets to post the copies on the walls of every tavern in the city.
Young Jonas Matzos put down his stout mug of light lager and approached the posting wall. What he saw didn’t please him. TheMerchant had written an ill farce of low rank and Dylan the Dreary One had awarded it five stars. Five stars!? Already the sharp quill of rebuke was drafting on his mind’s parchment a vile invective, a fulmination of such wit and practice that all the tavern goers were sure to laugh at Dylan’s folly.
He scratched out the main points on a wax tablet he kept in his breast pocket, finished his light lager and was satisfied that within a fortnight his response would be copied and posted all over the city. He reflected on how as a boy he wouldn’t hear news from outside his tiny village from harvest ‘till thaw. But life was fast now. It was almost overwhelming. He was living on scrivener time.
Date Written: June 23, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.0909
Comments:
06/29/2004 John Slocum (4):
06/29/2004 Craig Lewis (4): "Already the sharp quill of rebuke was drafting on his mind’s parchment a vile invective."
06/29/2004 Jon Matza: Fine work, though perhaps Dylan the Dreary One should've been named Wilifred Eisengrim, or maybe Monsieur Steed. Not sure why, just might've had a choicer ring.
06/29/2004 Jon Matza (5): Cocks!
06/29/2004 Will Disney: this one is so true because of the dylan stuff.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Quite lovely. I guess it isn't really an inside short. Right?
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh, the inside short thing didn't show up the first time i read it. Disney, guess what you are?
06/29/2004 TheBuyer (5): !
06/29/2004 Ewan Snow (5): Four point six repetend.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: who do you think you're kidding, snow?
06/29/2004 Mr. Pony: Ha?
06/29/2004 scoop: Boring, repetend. Leaning on Danko for yucks this late in the game is a sure sign of quiet desperation...
06/29/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeh, they'll be now mow pickin' on Dylan -- I's par' of theh new way.
06/29/2004 Great Satan: Worked for me, inside jokes or no. So is this Danko guy a drag? The Lerpa dude seems like more of a wet noodle to me. Sorry, Lerpa dude. 666
06/29/2004 qualcomm: so great satan is dylan?
06/29/2004 scoop: Of course.
06/29/2004 The Finch: Absurd.
signed,
The Finch
06/29/2004 Dick Vomit (4): affirm/agree (with short). Bless you, Author.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: No, Great Satan is not me. There are plenty of other people who find you repugnant. I get their emails all the time. Incidentally, why are our first acme products advertisements for acme's supreme egoist? Aren't we violating McCain-Feingold or something?
06/29/2004 qualcomm: because without me, your body of work would be nonexistent.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: and with you my body of work is what? Or is 'body of work' a euphemism for cock. Coz then you might have a point.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: the opposite of nonexistent.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Free Acmeshorts from Adolph the Lerpa! Or else it'll be Kristallnacht all over again...on your face! Ahem.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: you owe me everything.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Well, that last line at least. Ok, everything. Drat!
06/29/2004 Great Satan: Didn't mean to start a fight. New to this. Yipes. 666
06/29/2004 anonymous: Oh, great satan, Danko's no drag. He know's how to have a good time, but you've known that for some time, haven't you? scoop, I wasn't "leaning on Danko for yucks." The joke was more about Matza responding to somebody giving what he considered a too-generous vote. Dylan was chosen arbitrarily because I liked "Dylan the Dreary One." But as Matza pointed out, there might have been a better choice on that front. Also, if I had been interested in making fun of Dylan, I assure you I would have gone about it quite differently.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Yuks. Yes, you would have talked about how I couldn't unsheath my sword during one of our beautiful duets and the audience laughed at what was supposed to be a very tender moment.
06/29/2004 scoop: Author: I want you to know whenever you read this message that I'll be giving you the finger as hard and with as much conviction as I can.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: Or did I just fall for a Snow job?
06/29/2004 anonymous: Scoop, I don't doubt it. My only question is why. That's not true, I have another question: how much conviction are you capable of mustering when it comes to giving me the finger? I need to know so I can decide whether to beg you to stop giving me the finger, or not bother because you’re giving me the finger with such great conviction.
06/29/2004 scoop: Dude, I'm totally doing it right now.
06/29/2004 anonymous: That doesn't sound like very much conviction.
06/29/2004 Craig Lewis: Danko, I didn't write this. Must be Snow.
06/29/2004 Mr. Pony: Author, I've seen scoop do what he says he's doing. If he is really doing it, you'd better pray.
06/29/2004 scoop: Listen carefully author, that sound, that clamor, that obstreprous racket is my finger mafficking. Mafficking fucking hard. It's the music of righteous conviction.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: I'm beginning to think that you and Snow are one and the same. It was the 'yuks' that fooled me.
06/29/2004 anonymous: Now that's conviction. Except I think you spelt obstreperous wrong.
06/29/2004 anonymous: Danko, the only one who used "yuks" was scoop. This author (who probably isn't Ewan Snow) then quoted him. Please do not be fooled any more.
06/29/2004 TheBuyer: No one mentioned - Matzos drinks light beer.
06/29/2004 The Finch: Ewan Snow and Craig Lewis are not the same person.
signed,
The Finch
06/29/2004 qualcomm (3): well written, unfunny. 3.5, rounded down for various reasons.
06/29/2004 Pix (3): Meh, anti climatic read after Jackey Jew, sorry
06/29/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I feel kinda the opposite, Pix. "TheMerchant" I found pretty funny. That wax tablet thing is a really good idea, and I will thank the author for bringing it to my attention if I ever find myself trapped in the past again. I'm going to give this four stars. Here goes.
06/29/2004 TheBuyer: I laughed out loud into my coffee over that and "Five Stars?!"
06/29/2004 Pix: I donno Pony, I just really liked the flow of Jackey Jew. It went down smooth as a nice cool ale. Personal preference really, and TheBuyer, you'll ***** anything with your name up in lights :p
06/29/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): 3.5, rounding up for various reasons.
06/30/2004 John Slocum: Now I see the reasons, Jimson.
06/30/2004 scoop: I don't get it Slocum. What do you mean?
06/30/2004 John Slocum: Author was influencing Jimson's vote with some hoorpy-woorpy.
01/24/2005 The Rid (5): "He was living on scrivener time." This is one of my favorites.