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What is it.

I don't know.

Who got it for you.

My mom.


How old is it.

I'm not sure.

What's it do?

Lots of things.

Like what?

If you squeeze it there it makes a funny noise.

You're right. Weird.

Wanna see something else.


Put your finger in there.


In there.

I don't think it likes it. Should I stop.

No go deeper.

But look at its face.

Don't worry. It's mine anyway. I can do what I want with it.

It feels weird.

Yeah cool, huh.

Hey let's put it under water and see what happens.


Holy crap.

Yeah. It doesn't know how to swim. It gets real scared.

What else does it do.

I can make it cry, watch.


Hey, you wanna go watch TV?

Sure. Can I stay for dinner?

I don't care.

Date Written: June 26, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.9091

07/1/2004 Mr. Pony (5): A nice beat.
07/1/2004 DyIan Danko: unquoted dialogue without character attributions has already been done to death... how come there has to be cruelty to animals for this to work? let's see, what other irrelevant comments can i make?
07/1/2004 anonymous: Who says it is an animal you small-minded troglodyte.
07/1/2004 DyIan Danko: how come the lines are double-spaced? that's stupid. this seems like something some middle school kid who still thinks billabong tee shirts are cool would like.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Gosh, Dylan...I don't think this one's really about the lack of quotes, although in this particular case, I think their omission makes the dialogue more intimate somehow. Not between the two children, but between the reader and the minds of the characters. Like it's happening in a dark room one bunk over from yours. It also broadens the scope of the conversation -- two boys weren't "quoted as saying"; this is "what boys say". As for the animal cruelty, what better way to showcase the almost built-in sociopathic nature of childhood? I like this little scene because something about it feels like the most inevitable scene possible, and you weren't really asking those questions, were you? You're still pissed from yesterday, aren't you?
07/1/2004 DyIan Danko: why do the lines need to be unquoted to indicate that it's children talking? who says they're children? this is stupid. i don't get it.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: He's got a point there, Author. What do you have to say for yourself?
07/1/2004 DyIan Danko: How come the colour of the space around the words has to be white? Fuck this shit, I need a cigaret.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: With what?
07/1/2004 qualcomm: a bumpy gourd
07/1/2004 Moe-Ron (4): I thought these people/kids were playing with a baby. I think its funnier than torturing a puppy or gerbil or something.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Okay. Bumpy gourd. Got it. I wish I'd gone with the "Out of what, Jew?" answer.
07/1/2004 scoop: What's wrong with Billabong tee-shitrts, anyway you tool. Not, like, "man-of-the-peopley" enough for you?
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey. I thought I was the "man of the people".
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Gosh, it might be a baby.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: yeah, but if we believe that the kid's mom "got it for [him]", probably not. although he could be misunderstanding how the ownership of babies works.
07/1/2004 scoop: Pony: You consume them for nourishment. That's you're way of saying fuck you to the people.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: That is the best way, yes.
07/1/2004 DyIan Danko (5): for once we agree, Lerpa. i too, will give this one star. it should be easy. all i have to do is select the 1 Star choice in the pull-down menu. i mean, only an idiot would screw that up.
07/1/2004 Ewan Snow (3):
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: Jesus.
07/1/2004 Ewan Snow: Lerpa: "Eveything that comes out of your mouth is bile. Eeewwww."
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: Here I thought we were having a dumb but amusing exchange when all of a sudden The Lerpa has to get personal. Sorry, for my emotional blackmail.
07/1/2004 scoop: This is the time of the year for The Lerpa when the thousands of unfetilized eggs in its womb go through a painful and messy discharge process, leaving it "snitty."
07/1/2004 Will Disney (4): hey what is this short about, again?
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: Scoop, i figured as much. I won't take it personal like.
07/1/2004 John Slocum (4):
07/1/2004 Craig Lewis: The Lerpa has just jumped the shark.
07/1/2004 John Slocum: I think this is 2 girls, the cruelty of girls, not boys.
07/1/2004 scoop: And how!
07/1/2004 scoop: Snow: Would you please buy The Lerpa a pack of gum and show him how to chew it?
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: The Lerpa just called me and claims that Pony is impersonating him. I tend to think that this is a ruse since it doesn't seem like Pony. At any rate, I'm out. Fuck this.
07/1/2004 The Finch: It is possible that Mr. Pony is impersonating the Lerpa. But it is unlikely.
The Finch
07/1/2004 Ewan Snow: I really have to hand it to "oink oink! i'm a pig! i'm a stupid pig!" as the crudest, most childish insult ever on acme. Hat's off!
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: It's totally not me! I swear! Thanks, Finch; I guess.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: What makes The Finch think that it's unlikely? Although, Pony I'll take you at your word.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: This is the real The Lerpa. Some dastardly individual is impersonating me. I think maybe Disney!!
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Maybe because I blew that joke? Finch?
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm a little hurt that you instantly thought it was me, Lerpa.
07/1/2004 scoop: Bring back that other The Lerpa!
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: The Lerpa sweats hypocrisy not toxins!
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: This is the real Danko and I too was hijacked. I take no responsiblity for my first 5 posts. And perhaps some others to come. Texxx??
07/1/2004 anonymous: I am not typing this right now.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: I've noticed that a number of The Lerpas comments have been removed. Perhaps by The Lerpa himself. Since he has admitted to impersonating me for at least part of this exchange I must ask for him to do the honorable thing for once and remove those imposter comments as well.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Boooo! I call bullshit on that revisionist nonsense! Redeem yourself, restore your good name, but don't pretend it never happened! How will we ever learn? How will we grow as a People? The Lerpa I have come to know and respect would never engage in such an assy activity! Therefore, it must be the False Lerpa. For SHAME, False Lerpa!
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Also, you seem to be breaking the site, you ham-fisted lummox.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: shut up, you. i, the real The Lerpa did it. i care not for your leftist ideal of unfettered freedom on acme. seriously, it's really dumb, that ideal. you too, scoop.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: You can't be even handed? I think there was never an imposter Lerpa. Take off those phony comments you put beside my name.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: i'll get to that later. or disney will amend your impostor name with an 'imposter'
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm not for unfettered freedom, just an accurate and honest history, you filthy coward.
07/1/2004 scoop: I'm for whatever gets me laid.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: your
07/1/2004 qualcomm: pony: you are an idiot. dylan: shut up.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: I was going to nominate you Pony. I throw my considerable weight behind you.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: So there wasn't an imposter Lerpa? Jesus.
07/1/2004 scoop: Danko you are about as subtle as a masturbating rhinoceros. Disney told me your the one doing all this stupidity so cut it out.
07/1/2004 Dylan Danko: How dare you. None of those initial danko posts are mine. I swear.
07/1/2004 TheBuyer: Damnit, I slept in.
07/1/2004 TheBuyer (4): In the neighbourhood I grew up in, if a teenage girl became bored or dispondent, it was tradition for her boyfriend to give her a pet baby and then leave her alone to play with it all by herself. I could see how two children might a second hand baby as a present.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: That's interesting, now my comments seem to be disappearing.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: mine too! disney, what the fuck?
07/1/2004 Snack Bar (4): i'm dizzy from scrolling. aside, i like that i don't know what "it" is. i don't want to guess.
07/1/2004 Craig Lewis (3): DISNEY!!! I get an error message when I try to click into any of the message board postings in the "re: Hey CooperCove, can you please correct this..." thread. Is this due to a legitimate technical dificulty, or is this connected in some way to the screen name swapping/revisionist history jape? Meanwhile, don't much care for this short, whose ambiguity I find neither sexy nor animale.
07/1/2004 Great Satan (3): Danko. Billabong shirts are still cool, you son of a bitch. 666
07/1/2004 anonymous: Maybe Texxx deleted all those posts?
07/1/2004 anonymous: I did not!
07/1/2004 anonymous: it would be consistent with his style
07/1/2004 anonymous: Texxx is Great Satan. So obvious. suck my triple six dick.
07/1/2004 Jon Matza: Having missed this episode, the below comment string was incomprehensible and a total waste of time to read. In my opinion the true meaning of assuming someone else's identity is "I'm a cunt who can't (or can't be bothered to) hold my own in a battle of wits." I am very disappointed in all the perpetrators involved.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: You should keep an open mind, Matza. There's some really choice stuff here with the Lerpa pretending to be Danko making an ass of himself, and some really great stuff with Danko tearing into himself as the Lerpa (or at least it was here, until the Lerpa, in his infinite self-consistency, intellectual honesty, and (apparently) moderate-to-right-wing righteousness, decided to use his admin privileges to completely delete the comments he didn't approve of). I agree that it can get tiresome, and is only sometimes fun for those not directly involved, but I think it's good for a laugh once in a while.
07/1/2004 Jon Matza: No sir. Don't like it. Loss of lustre.

I remain,


07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Fair enough.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: much like your position on women's basketball, pony, the philosophy behind my righteousness, self-consistency and intellectual honesty is much too complex to be plotted along a simple left-/right-wing spectrum.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: matza, careful readers would have easily deduced that i was posing as dylan, and wreaking revenge for his idiotic comments/vote on my short yesterday. however, admittedly, late readers wouldn't know what the fuck was going on, since i deleted dylan's fake lerpa posts in an administerial end-run. sorry about that. but he had it coming.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Lerpa, I was referring to your tendency to refer to many of my arguments as left-leaning (as you did today), even if they don't really seem to be at all. That's why the word "apparently" was a parenthetical, attempting sarcasm. Line of thinking: My arguments are leftist + wrong, therefore your arguments (which I'm assuming you think of as correct) must be right of left. Neh? Of course your arguments are more complex. So are mine. Stop putting a limit on my et cetera.
07/1/2004 qualcomm: ok. by the way, i'm finally watching Space: 1999. it is wonderful.
07/1/2004 Ewan Snow: Hi.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm so glad you like it! Really.
07/1/2004 anonymous: You guys are still a bunch of 0's.
07/1/2004 Mr. Pony: scoop, I had to paste that character into a calculator application before I was sure I knew what you meant. Please write out numbers lower than ten especially zero for the sake of clarity.
07/2/2004 TheBuyer: scoop: so is it a baby, puppy, kitty, bunny, parapalegic, or a mogwai?!
07/2/2004 Dylan Danko: I reiterate, The Lerpa's administrative privileges should be transferred to Mr. Pony. Love your shorts there Jonny boy and love your whole Lerpresence but you pooped in the sandbox and that's unforgivable. Pony, your right it was all quite fun for a short while, especially the confusion. FU Matza!
07/2/2004 qualcomm: dylan, i don't think guests should have any say over administrative rights . especially guests who want to turn acme into a nanny-state (like, say, England), where disney (the government) hands out special privileges to you (the underclass 'on the dole')
07/2/2004 qualcomm: and if you love my shorts, why'd you purposely deuce that last good one i wrote? fuckin' scumbag.
07/2/2004 Dylan Danko: As you know, I didn't like that one. Must I like them all? If so, I will try to do better. That last short should have been a three not a two so I'll make it up to you. You're quite right about guests. I'll write another short as soon as I can in order to render all your arguments specious.
07/2/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I liked this short a lot.
07/2/2004 Jon Matza: Dude--why don't you marry it?
07/2/2004 Jon Matza: Sizzled!