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Herbert Wallace furiously paced his linoleum tiles, waiting for the call. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Finally: DEEDLE-DIDDLE. DEEDLE-DIDDLE. But now he didn't want to answer it.
"Fuck you, fucking indecision!" He yelled at himself in the mirror. He loathed his reflection. It was bad. He picked up the phone.
"Hello?", he chimed, sweetly.
"Hey", said Polly, his wife. "I just wanted to tell you. I'm moving to Florida tomorrow and I'm taking Ned and Anna."
"Well, Baby, what do you want me to say."
"I want you to say 'I'm an asshole, don't sleep with me' to every woman you meet from now until you die." She sure was mad.
"Baby, I know you're feeling pain. But I've been seeing a shrink who says what I have is this borderline disorder thing. I have this void in my personality, and it always needs fillin'. It has to do with my infantile conceptions of my mother's breasts as being made up of a 'good' breast and a 'bad' breast. I see the world in only good and bad, and when I see it in bad I feel empty. And when I feel empty, I need to fill the void. All that sex and drugs and rock n' roll has only been in my life because of this condition. It's not really my fault."
"Is your shrink a woman?"
"Yes. Why."
"Is she ...attractive?"
"Baby, listen. We can make this work. The kids and you are all I got left on this measly little scrap of hamb'ger meat we call earth." He paused. He had no idea what he was doing, or what she would say. I definitley exhausted all her patience, he thought to himself. And she had replaced all them patience with nice new healthy patience. And all the patiences' doctors had charged her a lot of money for each new patient she got. He had cost her. He considered his chances shitty at best.
"I'll change", he offered. More silence.
"How?", she finally asked, tears in her throat.
"How are you gonna change?"
"I signed myself up for electro-shock ther'py."
"Seriously. She says that's the best way to curb my insatiable appetite for sex, drugs, etc."
"Did you do her?"
"Yeah. And Baby, it was unprotected. But it wasn't my fault, as she explained to me, and I have since re-explained to you. She's the last."
"I do."
"Oh, Herby."
"Come on home, Baby. You never liked Florida anyways."
"Oh Herby."
After hanging up, Herby snorted the remainder of his coke, went next door and banged the shit out of his neighbor's wife. Then he came back and waited for the only things in his life that really mattered to him. Polly, Ned and Anna. His fam'ly.

Date Written: July 01, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.8571

07/6/2004 TheBuyer: Smoove.
07/6/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): "Hot damn we got us a fam'ly here!"
07/6/2004 Ewan Snow (3): Three minus. I could write a whole thing about all that's wrong with this one, but the "patients" pun is a good start.
07/6/2004 Dylan Danko (3): And the silly hamburger thing. I liked the first few grafs of this though. It just got sillier as itwent on and less interesting.
07/6/2004 Will Disney (3):
07/7/2004 ElTwisto (5): Smoove??? Like B???
07/7/2004 Benny Maniacs: That's what I'm talkin 'bout, El Twisto.
07/7/2004 Jon Matza (4): I agree this short has flaws, but nonehteless got a 'charge' out of Herby's sleaze.
07/7/2004 Moe-Ron (5): I really like this one, Benny. But then again, maybe I just identify with the woman who's got the coke-snorting, audulterous-yet-charming husband.