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"...Anyway," I continued, "I couldn't tell whether or not he was a fag, or just an effeminate straight guy."
"Man, I should have been there," said Jared. "I have excellent Gaydar."
Gaydar. I wanted to clobber the twit. It was always the same with Jared: whatever the inane pop culture catch-phrase of the moment happened to be, no matter how maddeningly banal – Jay Leno Monologue banal, Times Style Section banal – you could be sure he'd shoehorn it into the conversation, delivering it with a smug pause for effect, a dopey grin, and an eager sidelong glance in your direction. It was always: "Man, can you believe that they elected...The Governator?!?" Or: "And then Joe actually picked up the bill. Talk about… shock and awe!” Or: “Shit, I think I’m having a…Metrosexual moment!”
I kept my eyes fixed forward as we walked on, but I felt him turn to stare at me, pathetically, ridiculously – a slack-jawed ninny with desperation in his eyes. “I mean, it’s weird: I can always tell whether or not someone’s gay. I just have…amazing Gaydar.” I felt my ears reddening; my jaw muscles were clenched tight. Why no article? Why not “I have an amazing Gaydar”? or “I have the best Gaydar”? God, I wanted to throttle him, to brutalize him; I imagined him lying prone before me, my boot-heel crushing his ribcage, my finger thrust down my own throat, flooding vomit on his eyeglasses. But in a flash, I arrived at a more fitting punishment.
I shoved him into a tenement foyer, pushed him onto all fours, ripped off his trousers and entered him anally. I reared back and thrust like a stallion; I pinned my back foot against the lobby wall for greater leverage, placed both hands behind my buttocks and redoubled my thrusting force, pounding like a jackhammer. It’s a wonder the neighbors didn’t come running. The lobby was all hard surfaces, and we were making a racket: the martial 4/4 beat of balls on ass; Jared’s howls of pain and despair, a pitiful castrato-like caterwauling; the occasional, ragged percussive sound of ripping, rending, tearing; and above it all, the cheery chime of cock striking bladder. Revenge was sweet.
“What’s your GAYDAR say, now, Jared?,” I raged, hiking his ass up higher and preparing to burrow deeper still. “I need to know, since you’ve got such incredible Gaydar!!”
“You’re gay!” Jared yelped, “You’re so gay!”
I threw back my head and cackled. “Wrong!” I cried, shattering Jared’s spleen with a flurry of rapid-fire upward thrusts, “I’m bi-curious, asshole!”
Date Written: July 02, 2004Comments:
Author: Craig Lewis
Average Vote: 3.8462
07/7/2004 TheBuyer (3): I'm fagnostic.
07/7/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): Oh the banality of inertia!!
07/7/2004 John Slocum (5): You went there. Well, it's ALL good.
07/7/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Jared seems a bit of an easy target, but I think this maybe had to be written, for the sake of the children. Also, I like the way it was written. Four point five!
07/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Well done, but nothing new here. Gentleman's three.
07/7/2004 Ewan Snow (3):
07/7/2004 qualcomm (4): this sentence is mint: "I reared back and thrust like a stallion; I pinned my back foot against the lobby wall for greater leverage, placed both hands behind my buttocks and redoubled my thrusting force, pounding like a jackhammer."
07/7/2004 Will Disney (4): this one is pretty good! 4.5
07/7/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): I say 4.5. This has definite whisperings of The Truth about it. Though the last line took away from said Truth.
07/7/2004 Will Disney: no the last line is funny, benny
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Tenement foyer is fucking funny. Was it supposed to be?
07/7/2004 qualcomm: why is tenement foyer funny? douche.
07/7/2004 Jon Matza (4): As we know, the word "gay" once simply meant 'cheerful and carefree'. What few contemporary gay etymologists are aware of, however is that the word's current sense of 'homosexual' derives directly from the concept of "cheery chime of cock striking bladder".
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: In response to your silly question, in tenement dwellings it's not called a foyer but rather a rez-de-chaussee or a bawarchi-khana.
07/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Dylan, that question wasn't silly. I wondered what you meant as well. Please provide serious answers to serious questions from now on. Thank you.
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: I guess it's not that silly because I remember now that when I was working in the Cabrini Green projects in Chicago, whenever I asked someone where the lobby was of a particular building they would always say, "lobby?? Do you mean the foyer??"
07/7/2004 Mr. Pony: Dylan, don't they usually keep the lobbies/foyers of buildings in the same place?
07/7/2004 qualcomm: and even if what you say is true, is that any excuse for finding "tenement foyer" funny? what the hell is wrong with you?
07/7/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Dylan, when were you working in Cabrini Green? Before, or after they started enforcing the doorman tipping rule?
07/7/2004 Craig Lewis (5): This short rules. Gentleman's 5.
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: I thought so but according to Snow, The Lerpa and/or the author, in tenements such spaces are refered to as foyers. Pony, please take note.
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: That was for Pony. I'm no longer fielding questions from The Lerpa or Snow.
07/7/2004 Mr. Pony: So noted!
07/7/2004 qualcomm: yeah, but you still haven't explained why "tenement foyer" might be funny
07/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Projects generally aren't tenements. Were the buildings in Chicago post-war projects (like in New York) or tenements? Either way, tenement foyer is not funny, nor, I assume, was it meant to be.
07/7/2004 qualcomm: you're being a real laser-brain, danko
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Snow, I don't think it was intentional which is why I found it funny. The author is obviously a suburbanite.
07/7/2004 Craig Lewis: Aren't lobby and foyer are more or less synonymous -- particularly when the building in question is a tenement?
07/7/2004 qualcomm: don't you see, lewis? that's what's so funny! ha ha ha ha ha!
07/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh Jesus. I found the use of 'foyer' pretentious and the author's obliviousness to such 'airs' amusing. I'm gonna cut someone.
07/7/2004 TheBuyer: Dylan: when you say 'projects' do you mean 'front grotto'? Because I think a front grotto [or grotta, in Boca Raton] is where the lobby-facade of the foyer is. Maybe I'm thinking of the window-pepsi. In either case, I owe this author at least another star.
07/8/2004 scoop: There's some excellent detail work here, author. I seocnd the The Lerpa's mint motion for the redoubled effort line. That line is so something or other.
07/8/2004 John Slocum: Ahhh SNAP! Not once all day did I think Lewis. Motherfucker.
07/8/2004 scoop (4): What? Are you drunk on some boss wine you picked up in town? This soooooo Lewis! Which is why I'm guessing Snow lowballed it.
07/8/2004 TheBuyer: I underrated it for the third and most of the fourth graph and 'castrato', which I thought was plebian for 'castralto' until I googled it. Felt shame. Paid in full tho.
07/8/2004 ElTwisto (2): Vote for yourself more and do shorter!!!
07/8/2004 John Slocum: I thought it was Matza.
07/8/2004 Craig Lewis: Slocum: Marc loved the Brindisi Rosso Reserva.
07/8/2004 John Slocum: I believe one would need to have a black heart not to like that wine. It's going to become the Slocum house pour.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: FU, scoop. Is that why TheBuyer and Feruchio and ElTwisto "lowballed" it too? I thought it was pretty good and considered giving it a four, but went with the gentleman's three. I like it better on re-reading, though. Best phrase in my opinion was "the martial 4/4 beat of balls on ass." Lewis I owe you a star. Scoop, I'm taking one star off from your next short for your irresponsible and scurrilous remarks!
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Feel the love
07/8/2004 Craig Lewis: Snow: thank you. ElTwisto: FU.
07/8/2004 scoop: "Ewan Snow is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."
07/8/2004 Mr. Pony: quit with the fucking ballard already
07/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I have to give this at least a four because I cringed so at the "cheery chiming of cock striking bladder." In fact, I think I have to go to the little lady's room.