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I had an obstreperous booger in the back right corner of my left nostril, I could feel it like an annoying mosquito in my ear. I guessed it was one of those with a hard, dry crusty end formed around a thick, barbarous nose hair and a soft, wet flagellar end extending back into the far reaches of the nasal cavity. I knew it would sharply smart when I pulled the dry part out with the hair; I would have to tighten the belt and take it like a man. I would then enjoy the long, slow pleasure of feeling the soft, wet part sliding easily along my mucous membrane, caressing it, assuaging the pain, providing succor to the small, throbbing exit point of the hair. It would leave a trail of slime tracing its path, a wondrous, ameliorative salve. I went to the mirror. I wanted to see this, watch it extend from finger to nostril; I would pull slowly, keeping it taut, but not too taught so it would sag a little as it spanned the inter digital/nasal space, bringing two lands together like a bridge, a long, mucousy, edible bridge of understanding. Finally, I would feel the kiss of gravity as the terminus of the booger (inches - how many? - from my fingertip) bumped over my nostril’s lip and swung through the air, free. I would look in the mirror, the proud, rosy-cheeked expression of the birthing sire. So much to look forward to, I thought as I pushed my right pinky into my left nostril, saliva filling my sub-lingual lumen, my stomach rumbling like the dickens. I have so much!
Date Written: July 03, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.8889
Comments:
07/8/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Hee hee. I gagged reading this!
07/8/2004 Craig Lewis (4):
07/8/2004 Mr. Pony (3): This makes some jarring shifts from poetic to technical that put a damper on the joy, I believe. And for some reason, I feel like it would have been more powerful if the speaker wasn't planning to eat the thing. Some good sensation stuff, though.
07/8/2004 Will Disney (3): tighten your belt?
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Come on! This is the best bugger short in Acne's history! Ameliorative salve!? I couldn't write that! Could you!? Stop exclamating!
07/8/2004 anonymous: Yah, pony, I agree with the wierdness in the changes of register. I wish I had remained poetic throughout. But the edible thing I have to disagree about. It was powerful that I only indicated he/she was going to eat it without having him/her actually do it.
07/8/2004 anonymous: Very, very powerful.
07/8/2004 qualcomm (4): the last, or ultimate, sentence is great. i'm tempted to three this in response to Maniacs' idiotic outburst, but that would be punishing the wrong WASP, Slocum.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: I thought Slocum cleared out his boogers first thing in the morning with the aid of a hot, wet towel and vick's vap-o rub. This ritual takes nearly an hour, as I recall! Is it really possible that he also picks his nose throughout the day?
07/8/2004 John Slocum: Why am I constantly being attributed to shorts I didn't write?
07/8/2004 Mr. Pony: The (foreshadowed) eating of the snotwad felt a little like a punchline, even though I'm sure you probably didn't intend for it to be. I would have been satisfied with the simple but physically, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilling act of extracting a boogie.
07/8/2004 Jon Matza (4): Author did more than I thought would have been possible w/the uninspired subject matter. Last line was lush.
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: The Lerpa: You can't toss that sass around in my direction without backing up your irresponsible claims. You must therefor find a better booger short than this one. Otherwise, it you, not I, who are proven to be stupit.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow (4): There's nothing wrong with "jarring shifts from poetic to technical" diction in my so-called book.
07/8/2004 Fence Guy: Fuck you, Matza, y'fucker!
07/8/2004 Craig Lewis: Is this Scoop or Slocum?
07/8/2004 Moe-Ron: i'd venture to say that this ain't scoop.
07/8/2004 TheBuyer (4): Nice one, John Slocum! I was demonstrating the slo-drag technique just last night.
07/8/2004 John Slocum: And I'd venture to say this ain't Slocum!
07/9/2004 John Slocum: alright, so that was a dumb joke
07/9/2004 Moe-Ron: very dumb joke, indeed. the retsina's of jokes, in fact.
07/9/2004 John Slocum: I've had some good, carefully made retsinas in the last year or so, Moe-Ron. Nice try.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Mulp.
07/9/2004 qualcomm: My inside short within a comment:
"Traces of corn and copper," intoned John Slocum as he finished off the carafe of fecalia, a Montenegro style of wine originally flavored with human shit to put off barbarian invaders, but later adopted out of habit as the national appertif.
07/9/2004 John Slocum: intelligent and incisive 5 STARS TO THE LERPA *****!!!!!
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, there should be a place were you could post "small footprint" shorts, like Lerpa's in that comment below, for immediate satisfaction. Disney, make a message board where you are only supposed to post shorts, and they show up immediately and there's no actual voting, just like the regular message board.