AcmeShorts

home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

Trois couleurs: Brun

For the 4th day in a row I found myself without anal. It was weird because I was smelling it everywhere I went and also my joints ached which was always a good sign that there was anal around. When I got home from the grocery store I passed my neighbour's apartment and caught a nice big whiff. I quickly let myself in to put my groceries down on the kitchen counter taking care to pull out the quail confit and put it in the fridge and then I went out into the hall and crept up to my neighbour's door. I stuck my snout up against the door and started sniffing around the cracks. Yeah, there was totally some anal there. I knocked politely and when that didn't work, louder. The anal was getting to me.

All of a sudden I heard little feet scampering on the mud floor and then the peep hole flipped open. "Heeello," came the voice of my neighbour. "Hi, it's Mr. Hitler from 7A, I was wondering if I could borrow an analgesic?" Oh man. I had to put my hand over my mouth to stiffle the fucking guffaw. She said, "what?" I said, "I need to analyze your meter." I was the best at cracking myself up. "Please open the door, I just want to make an analogy?" I could tell she wasn't giving up the brown so I got down on the floor and decided to go sniffing somewhere else. With my snout to the ground I crawled through the hall, down the stairs and out to the street.

The neighbourhood sure had changed, I thought, snout to pavement. Back in the day they were practically giving it away. All you had to doo was sneeze and there was some anal. I tell you, when people talked about Garden of Eden they weren't talking about a place to get your designer olives and a mocha frappuccino wasn't a $5 elixir. It wasn't even a bad joke. I wondered how long I could keep this up. This anal. I mean it wasn't really funny to begin with. Should I have used something other than quail confit? That wasn't funny either. To what extent can humor rely on the repetition of a bad joke? Is the interminable extension of the joke the joke itself? I guess Kaufman could doo it. Can a short survive such annoying self-referential post-modernism?
Can I survive without anal? THAT was the question. Turns out this poop had legs.

Date Written: July 03, 2004
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 4.2222

Comments:
07/8/2004 qualcomm: i liked it okay until the matza ripoff last graf. f u, danko.
07/8/2004 anonymous: Never read it. Sorry Matza, for not reading it. Will vote soon.
07/8/2004 Mr. Joshua (4): An easy five without the last paragraph. Author, have more confidence.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Thanks Mr. Joshua. The whole last graf or just the post modern shit? By the way, I gave my self confidence to The Lerpa.
07/8/2004 Mr. Joshua: Just the post-modern
07/8/2004 qualcomm: sorry about that. good going, guy. nice hustle.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: ...and look what an asshole he's become.
07/8/2004 qualcomm: no, seriously, your efforts are appreciated. it's all about how hard you try.
07/8/2004 Will Disney (4):
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: apparently it's not.
07/8/2004 Will Disney: that second paragraph is croosh.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: "But I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Fuck sheep! Four stars!
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): The stoned naughtiness of this was excellent. I give it a fucking five anyway, even with the postmodern stuff at the end. I think he saved it there at the very very end. Quail confit. YEAH!
07/8/2004 qualcomm: shut up, maniacs. i'm getting a little sick of your bullshit ratings and bullshit comments. just do what i do henceforth.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: For instance, Benny, if you have an ingrown toenail, take a couple of stiff pulls of whiskey and them perform self-surgery with a rusty razor blade.
07/8/2004 anonymous: "shut up, maniacs. i'm getting a little sick of your bullshit ratings and bullshit comments. just do what i do henceforth."
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: You'll have to excuse the Lerpa, anon user a, he recently took an awful beating in an arm wrestling match and his moods have been dark and ugly ever since. Plus he found out by extension that he prefers Nabokov to Dostoevsky.
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Did I mention that the victor in said arm wrestling match was yours truly, Benny Maniacs?
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Hey Snow: what gives?
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: What do you mean, Benny?
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: If your question is what I meant by my last comment, I meant that that is what Lerpa would (and in fact did) do.
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: I don't understand the directions you gave me down below. Drink whiskey and cut off hangnail with rusty razor, etc...
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Yeah. OK. I thought you were fuckin fucking with me.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: I would never fuckin fuck with you, Benny. You *know* that.
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Haaa, shit. I was just thinkin back to that time I beat the Lerpa armwrestling. He's probably left work for the day, so he'll be away from the site for a while - so I'll just recap liesurely here. OK, so he was there just having been humiliated in the back of Pete's Candy Store at quiz night. Lots of people. And he challenged me. He made kind of abig deal of being really good at arm-wrestling, so I said, you know why not. I guess I just wanted it more. Anyway, he got fucking hammered and had his head cradled in his hands all night. Scoop and Pony can back me up on this. I felt kinda sorry for the guy. Haaa. That sure was a hell of a night.
07/8/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Mr. Joshua comes out of the woodwork to speak the truth. Hey Benny, remember that time you beat the Lerpa armwrestling? Man, he really went down.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Now i can breathe. Pony finally voted!
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Yeah Pony! I was totally just thinking back to that night! That was sure a good time - although, as you know, there can't be winners without losers - and there was a big loser that night. God it was tough seeing that side of the ole' Lerps. I've never seen him go down into that black hole before. Anyway, we're not losers, so, have a good evening Pony!
07/8/2004 qualcomm: it was no fair. the abnormally tall maniacs' forearm is longer than my entire arm. next time, i get to put my elbow on top of a book.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: Mulp, he called no fairsies.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: stop crying you fucking baby
07/8/2004 scoop: In all fairsies, The Lerpa had to conted with a series of tough matches earlier in the night against a Okinawan trained in the arts, who goes by the name "Sweetness."
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: Was it Mr. Miagi? Lerpa wax off, I know that! Ha ha ha ha.
07/8/2004 qualcomm: no, but to be fair, maniacs has every right to be as proud of his sole victory against me as he is, because i am really fucking powerful
07/8/2004 Jon Matza: Hold it--this short also contains a few superficial similiarities to another Matza short!!! I am so angry and hurt about this!
07/8/2004 Jon Matza (4):
07/8/2004 scoop (4): That last graf reeks of sheer Naboakovian-inspired Brookline-refined post-modern cowardice. That's right, graf. Get hip.
07/8/2004 TheBuyer (4): who's Trois?
07/8/2004 John Slocum (5): See, I love that Brookline-refined post-modern cowardice. It's something we've worked on for so long and, if I may be so bold (yes, of course I may) as to add, that is to say, it it's okay with the group, at this juncture at any rate, perfected. Oh yah, a thoroughly enjoyable read, this one. Funny, interesting, engaging, stimulating. I normally don't go in for this kind of post-modern, self-referential meta cowardice, but I think the author did a good job with it.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, I'm sorry. How can it be that those shorts only entered my consiousness through the ether? I feel like i really know you, dude.
07/8/2004 Dylan Danko: Lest anyone forget, Scoop's from West Harford.
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs: Buyer: It's been insinuated that trios is Danko.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: Welcome back, Danko!
07/9/2004 TheBuyer: Hey, so it is! Is this just le couleur un, et les couleurs deux, et trois will follow maintnant?
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: TheBuyer: If I ever get around to it. Lewis: Thanks but...
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: But what? You want me to vote on your overrated short?
07/9/2004 qualcomm: a crack in the monolith. yes, lewis. yes.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Dude, you don't understand the monolith if you think dumping on dylan cracks it.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh, wait, what monolith were you talking about?
07/9/2004 qualcomm: brookline
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Then yes, my first comment holds.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: But...but...Danko is 'Line's Vice-Secretary of Group-Think, Foreign Film and Power Pop Division.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: I am now Ombudsman, The Lerpa.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: I mean Lewis.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: I must admit I'm very amused by the Chomskyesque monolith idiocy these West Hartfordian cocks keep on about. We did all rape your mothers, as one. That part is true.
07/9/2004 qualcomm: and what are your individual opinions on the merits of David Denby?
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: It has nothing to do with WH, plenty of people have mentioned it. In fact, lerpa seems to be the last to notice it (though the first to mention it to you guys, aparently). The really amusing is that you guys are the only ones unaware of it.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: ...or pretend to be.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Is this at all similar to your slavish devotion to The Lerpa's pathetic taste in rock music, cockboy. HEY EVERYONE, BECK IS REALLY COOL. GUYS? Um...
07/9/2004 qualcomm: hey, i disowned beck after 'mellow gold'. but you already know that, and krugmanlike, you bend facts to suit your conclusion, which, like many of your arguments, consists in this case of essentially, "I know you are but what am I?"
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: I share very little with Lerpa as far as taste in music goes. As somebody not particularly into pop music, I have taken recommendations from him on occasion with mixed results. I couldn't tell you what he's into these days, and there have been many, many, many bands that he's got into that I never even considered touching. More importantly, it seems that you’re resorting to a “you do that too” defense, which is an implicit acknowledgment of the fact.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, good point, Lerpa hates Beck except for the first album, and some of the pre-deal tracks.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Your tactic of accusing me of your very crimes is giving me a boner. The Beck thing was directed at Ewan in particular as the comment clearly indicates and no i did not know you renounced Beck after that album. The fact that you ever embraced speaks of you ill. And makes me ill.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Fuck, you're right. That's a really good point.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, so now it's about if beck is good or not? I like a lot of his shit, but I'm certainly not "slavishly devoted" to him. Maybe you think so because I often play him when you're over, but that's only because I know most people don't like jazz, so I put on pop, which I don't have that much of.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Lerpa, stop using the imposter dylan. Dylan, why are you arguing about this so vehemently?
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: We share some similar tastes due to years of being friends and it obviously has something to do with why we ARE still friends. The same can be said of you idiots. I too can parse out the differences in our individual tastes but I'm too busy splooging all over your righteous comments.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh my god! I'm so gay! Wheee! Look how gay I am!
07/9/2004 qualcomm: ha
07/9/2004 TheBuyer: Why don't you take a few shots at Tom Waits while you're crapping on brilliance?
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Stop it, Lerpa! Buyer, keep out of this. Danko, I agree that it's rude and insulting to point out such foibles, which is why I never brought it up. Lerpa did. I only chimed in when you guys dismissed it as ridiculous. I shouldn't have. I am sorry.
07/9/2004 qualcomm: i am also sorry. very sorry. we should be celebrating our differences!
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: What is this nonsense? Stop impersonating me. I already told you i'm busy.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Easy, tiger.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Seriously, stop it.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: "...a crack in the monolith" was my favorite line in this whole thing. Reminded me of Heraldo Rivera and Al Capone's tomb.
07/9/2004 scoop: "...a crack in the monolith" ... That's the line my gran'pa Bill would moan to my cripple Gran'ma Wendi when he finally managed pry open her whithered and mummified crippled legs in preperation for some action.
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Gross.
07/9/2004 The Lerpa Imposter: Let me just say: I just would like to reiterate that my losing at arm-wrestling to Maniacs was totally unfair. Did I mention that his arms are longer than mine? Well, I was also very tired that day, having been up all night the night before working on my Novel. Also, the afternoon sun was in my face, and that put me at a grievous disadvantage. Actually, I wasn't even really trying, because I was pretty sure that Maniacs is a pantywaist, which he no doubt is. I was also wrestling (no pun intended) with a particularly interesting but sticky plot twist in my Novel--needless to say I was a little distracted! If I put one one-thousandth of the effort I use while working on my Novel, I could beat Maniacs at arm-wrestling handily. To sum up, I am the best, Maniacs is a pantywaist, and I am working on a Novel.
07/9/2004 The Finch: The last four comments attributed to "Dylan Danko" were made by the actual Dylan Danko. The fifth (the "I'm so gay" one) was not.
signed,
The Finch
07/9/2004 Dylan Danko: No, that was me too, idiot.
07/9/2004 The Finch: You are, of course, correct. I formally withdraw my previous statement, offer my sincerest apologies to the community at large, and vow to be more rigorous in my research in the future.
signed,
The Finch
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: Am on the verge of formulating a sweet overaching master argument/exisgesis re the "Brookline groupthink" accusation/issue. Stay tuned... (Am at work so it may be awhile before I can lay out my unassailable thesis).
07/9/2004 scoop: But Matza, having the day off, I have already had time to develop, test and refine a counter-argument that will leave you're so called "unassailable" thesis thoroughly shelacked, left a quivering, shapeless wad of jelly asking for more more more. So, if I were you, I would stop the one your working on and begin a new one.
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: Maybe, but wait till you see it...this is explosive stuff, with the potential to send acme into a frenzy of bile & hurt feelings!
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, but be careful what you wish for.
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: Me?!?
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Assuming, that wasn't the post of an imposter, yes, you. You said you'd write something that would bring forth bile, etc. Hence my comment. I tried to drop this subject below, is all.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: Matza: I trust you'll be emailing copies of your polemic to me, Slocum, Danko and Hoffmeister for vetting/editing/approval prior to publication?
07/9/2004 qualcomm: i for one don't include slocum in the monolith. he's too eccentric to fit. his methods became unsound years ago. he got off the boat. he split from the whole fucking program.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: You're right, Lerpa. Slocum is so "eccentric" he's pratically an honorary West Harfordian -- although, come to think of it, his intellectual chops aren't quite up to WH snuff, and the whole wine affectation is a bit too priggish and Europhile.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: I urge an end to this before...
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: ...what about my theory? It's going to be a beaut.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Does it involve toxins?
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: Yes the psycho-spiritual toxins of decades past, poisonously resurfacing in today's subconscious...
07/9/2004 qualcomm: lewis, there's no need to get nasty. i applaud your savvy consolidation of power here at acme. it's almost like a 'school within a school' you've established.
07/9/2004 qualcomm: i also applaud the counterargument that all three brookliners in question (surprise, surprise) have employed: that because ewan and i have accused them of monolithicity, we are necessarily making an implicit argument that we are fiercely independent, eccentric geniuses. the fact is that neither i nor (i'm pretty sure) ewan has made this claim, implicitly or otherwise. the only implicit statement about ourselves you could logically read into the argument is that we are less, or not at all, monolothic. but bravo on your spin. thank you.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: I for one want to read Matza's theorum. Anyway, Lerpa/Snow: sorry, not trying to get nasty. Just trying to get into the fun, in a happy-jocular rather than key chain-rattling-wildly-lisping aggrieved mode. Really.
07/9/2004 Ewan Snow: ...must...not...comment...
07/9/2004 qualcomm: i know, lewis. both ewan and i love you dearly. especially ewan.
07/9/2004 scoop: I am a fiercely independent, eccentric genius. As such, I would love to see a controversy of Floridian proportions between the two well-entrenched, establishment parties. I also will look forward to the smug sense of superiority I will wrap myself in knowing that although my vote might not count, I remain righteous and true. And a unique little snowflake. (no Snow pun intended).
07/9/2004 Jon Matza: Sorry, need more time. Busy at work. May be tomorrow before I can break it all down. Hold your breath, folks. This is going to be major.
07/9/2004 Craig Lewis: Disney: please pre-emptively make this latest controversy.
07/10/2004 John Slocum: This whole comment section has freaked Pfineous out. I don't know what to do.
07/10/2004 Dylan Danko: Let's get back to anal, lads.
07/10/2004 John Slocum: Matza, don't keep me waiting, I want the theory.
07/10/2004 Jon Matza: I think I may have oversold this, and need more time to work it out & marshall all my points. But the crux of my argument is this: the WH'ers worldview derives from their not having played sports in high school. Threatened by the physical dominance of the Brookline group (seasoned athletes to a man), they are playing out an age old grievance, trying (unconsciously) to squeeze reality into their black & white worldview of 'dumb frat jocks' (BHS) vs 'artist/freak/intellectual' (WH). What's more, the evidence is there to be found in the pages of acme, and once it's ready, I will lay out a damning case based on their own words. Be careful what you say, folks, lest you betray yourself!
07/10/2004 John Slocum: I like it.
07/10/2004 John Slocum: I like it alot. Now I wish I wasn't so darn eccentric and could be considered part of the monolith.
07/10/2004 qualcomm: matza's correct: the brookliners' interest in watching soccer and baseball on television is intimidating to say the least.
07/10/2004 Craig Lewis: The Lerpa: just this morning I watched some Australian Rules Football -- a brutal contact sport whose players wear no padding or protective gear. What did you watch this morning?
07/10/2004 Craig Lewis: Anyway, Matza may have cracked the case. And the irony is, some of our greatest authors were superior athletes (think of Pushkin, who excelled at fencing and grappling), and vice-versa (e.g., Abdul-Jabbar, Bird: sportsmen and men of letters).
07/10/2004 Craig Lewis: The truth is, I would love to participate half-seriously in this B'Line-WH war, but will refrain until I have Snow's assurance that he won't get pissed off and break our truce. I am a Buddhist, and anger and hard feelings upset the equilibrium of my life-spirit. I have savored the peaceful relations w/Ewan these last weeks, and when he told me he owed me a star the other day, I felt a warmth rise within my breast, and glimpsed a future in which M-i-l-o and my soon-to-be-born will share playdates and, in all likelihood, fornicate. So, if and when Snow assures me that he will view my comments for what they are -- sweet profiteroles of wit and insight -- I will get into the mix w/ Seder, and you West Hartfordians will know that Brookline packs cock. Snow?
07/10/2004 Milo_2004: hooray
07/11/2004 scoop: It must feel comfortable, beleiving in somehting. I almost remember what it was like for you WHers and B-liners, a sense of place, a fixed identity, like a glass of milk and fresh baked cookies, waiting on the kithcen table...the smells! Yeah... Well these days the only roads I know are lonely ones...the only family I know crawl these stinking city streets I call home, for now...
07/11/2004 scoop: Spelling is for pussies and editors.
07/12/2004 Jon Matza: Still working on my disseration, folks, a 'monolith' in itself. My apologies. But the wait will be worth it. I promise you. Remenber: delicious souffles, meat stews and chicken dinners require time and loving care in the preparation.
07/13/2004 Jon Matza: At last!