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Three Open Letters [All At The Same Time]

1. An Open Letter to 'They'

Dear They,

Why did you call it green? I always thought it should be called something more 'green' sounding. Why is Anthrax so deadly? Did you stop any of their CDs purchased on eBay at the border when the customs sticker said, “Anthrax $3.99” on it after those planes hit those buildings? Why is it called ‘air’; that's such a short word for maybe the most important thing you can breathe, you know? When you invented pavement did you know it would get so hot in the summer? It totally gets hot in the summer. When you picked metal for cigarette cases then switched to paper products was there any kind of flak over it? Why are there so many different kinds of wine? No one even likes wine. Did you really say all that stuff? You know what I mean right? Like when a person says, “You know what they say” was that really you or do you just get credit like when a new sauce guy at a restaurant thinks up something really cool and then the head saucier gets credit instead. Are we all just your new sauce guy, saying stuff and thinking up stuff just so you can take the credit? Because I hate that.

Best Regards,



2. An Open Letter Dictated by a Pez Dispenser and not 'Open'.

Hey asshole

Pull the head back farther! No, not like tha- ow ow owww.....goddamnit, all the way back then pull it out shitforbrains. OW! FUCK! There, happy? You broke me. Moron. Fucking moron, I can't believe this. So what now? You just eat the candy like it's not Pez, just some sugar bricks you shoplifted from- Shit! What the FUCK? You're chucking me? Bullshit, keep the head. You keep the head dipshit, don't you do anything normal? Fuck. FUCK!

Best regards,

A Pez Dispenser


3. An Open Letter From Dogs


Throw the ball. Throw it again. I don't want to give it back. Okay, here you go. Throw the ball. Hey! Throw it again. Hey! No Fair, REALLY throw it. Throw it again. Again. Now throw the ball. Okay, one more time. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Here. Throw it. HEY! What's that? Oh. What's THAT? Oh. What was that? Oh ya. Hey! Look! Look! Look! Throw the ball. I got it. I dropped it. I got it again. Pull pull pull c'mon pull more. Okay pull pull pull okay throw the ball. Come on throw the ball. o boy o boy o boy o boy. I have the ball. Wait. Wait, I might run. Waaaaiiiiiit. Okay, no just throw the ball. Throw the ball throw the ball throw the ball. Hey! Again. IT'S IN THE WATER! IT'S IN THE WATER! oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Best regards,


Date Written: July 05, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 3.25

07/8/2004 Will Disney: high concept, all right
07/8/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm not sure what to think. Maybe the author ate too much Pez. Maybe not. I will go up to the roof, and meditate on it.
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow: I like some of the gags in here, but the "they" joke is all used up. Not sure how to vote on this one.
07/8/2004 qualcomm: yes, snow, you've struck the nail on its head. the "they" thing feels like a twice-recycled george carlin bit. the author has trouble editing his own material. not all of your poop smells good, author; you have to winnow.
07/8/2004 Jon Matza (2): Exhausting, in other words
07/8/2004 TheBuyer (3): Maybe switch the order, or shorten the first one, or get a job or something.
07/8/2004 anonymous: hoser
07/8/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I give this a four point five for the idea, and a three for the lengthy execution. Three point seven five!
07/8/2004 Ewan Snow (3): "...like when a new sauce guy at a restaurant thinks up something really cool and then the head saucier gets credit instead." is croosh, as Matza would say, though, apparently, not about this short. I guess I have to give this a three, though, because of the "they" joke, which I find sub-good.
07/8/2004 Litcube (4): I like everything because my brain is average.