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Marvin had to keep the final product in mind: The sandwich would eventually become a mush of bread and protein between his molars. Maximum alacrity and sensitivity of design were essential, with special focus on texture, flavor and kinetics.

Marvin reverently brought down his carnivalesque loaf of wonderbread. He unspun the bag and plopped the pillowy slices down on his thick butchers block. Then he lathered each soft square with a mixture of spicy, seedy mustard and mayonnaise, forming what he liked to call mayotard. Finally, there was the protein. For what was a sandwich without protein?

He retrieved a large light blue zip-lock bag from the incubator, unlocked it, and poured a serving of roughly five living feti onto the sticky slices. This was a fate they knew well, as they had seen their compadres go this way before. But their unformed arms and legs rendered them helpless. Sure, several of the feti squirmed, trying to wriggle back up into the safety of the womb-like bag, but eventually they would be born into the sanwich, the amniotic fluids leaving their skin for the first time. Marvin clapped the two pads of bread together and lifted the premi coffin to his large mouth.

And now the best part; there was the flavor, sure, and granted, there was that exquisite pickle-like crunch. But for Marvin, the most dynamic of all qualities was the kinetic movement of his piece. As each fetus lamely tried to avoid pulverization, it gently moved around the inside of his mouth with a sort of tender, massaging stroke. All together, the feti created such a warm wave of caressing delight that Marvin couldn't help but close his eyes and sigh, his fleshy lips masticating with glee.

Date Written: July 08, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.5

07/13/2004 anonymous (4):
07/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Pretty artfaggy, but nice Mr. Show ref.
07/13/2004 Not Lisa (4): I think I vomited in my mouth.
07/13/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Roaches, if one reams out the digestive tract, are indeed an excellent and perfectly safe source of protein. Thought that this had an over-written quality that helped it in some cases [mayotard] and hurt it in others [the machine of his maxilla and mandible]. Three-five.
07/13/2004 qualcomm (3): some of this is funny, but the writing sounds like someone who's determined to use lots of "fancy diction," no matter who gets hurt. now i'm all for fancy diction, but too much of this is bad/boring fancy diction. "mahogany pillar" is useless; "thick, wooden butchers block" is redundant; the whole first paragraph is a pain in the ass, and i think the first sentence might even mean the opposite of what it was intended to mean. it all feels like a 12-year-old who's trying to write the way he imagines Hannibal Lecter might.
07/13/2004 qualcomm: which bit is a mr. show reference, FP?
07/13/2004 qualcomm: I love Mr. Your Show of Shows.
07/13/2004 scoop: ...the mayotard bit, but I think they call it something else like mustaraisse.
07/13/2004 anonymous: Who's Mr. Show?
07/13/2004 scoop: David Cross/Bob Odenkirk surrealist sketch comedy on HBO in the mid-90s.
07/13/2004 qualcomm: is this the same Marvin?
07/13/2004 anonymous: Same author, different Marvin. This Marvin is the one from Hershey's Chocolate Milk commercials fame, the one who was in A Christmas Story.
07/13/2004 TheBuyer (4):
07/13/2004 Craig Lewis (3): I agree with Feldspar's comments.
07/13/2004 qualcomm: thank you, goldfarb
07/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Wow, no one caught the ref? It was the Mayotard. Or is it Mustardayonaise? I thought it was a ref to a fine, fine program. Wow, kinda funky-fly that it was plain coincidence.
07/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Author, why did you waste our time with a pointless reference to a show you haven't even seen? It doesn't matter how much you like whatever pop culture object you're referring to -- My thinking is that if it doesn't help the story, you should leave it out. No one cares how great you think this "Mr. Show" is, or if you've even seen it or not. If you start making naked references now, then you'll soon find yourself crossing the border into a Millerian No-Fly Zone where the signifier, bloated with its own sense of self-importance, pushes out the signified. Star Wars. Please, Dear Author, next time, resist the temptation.
07/13/2004 scoop (2): Beneath all the needless detail and affected voice displayed in this short is a joke abouit a guy eating cockroaches, which isn't really all that funny. As Mr. Pony points out people actually do eat cockroaches making this foray into the fantastic even more clumsy and unfunny. In the old days when Ewan/Feldspar were pioneering this form, they usually had a solid joke/multilayered jokes underpinning their haughty language. This is all haughty language no joke. All steel no magnolia. Somewhere along the way I hope we have not lost our way and confused the form of the older joke with their function.
07/13/2004 Litcube (4): I like it for what it was. 4 Stars. But to fit in, I'm going to tell you what a worthless piece of shit your writing is.. .. I can't do it. I love you. 4 stars.
07/13/2004 anonymous: Thanks Litcube. I take back that time when I said FU. I thought you were leaving me.
07/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Ah, the good old days, when Giants strode the Earth; eh, scoop?
07/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Ah, the good old days, when Giants strode the Earth; eh, scoop?
07/13/2004 Litcube: Ah, the good old days, when Giants strode the Earth; eh, scoop?
07/13/2004 Mr. Pony: yeah, sorry 'bout that, 'cube. my net connection's down & I have to use this bucket to access the site. I hope you, and everyone will bear with me during this mechanical failure.
07/13/2004 Litcube: Hey! I did one in the Message Board. Mine made me look dumb.
07/13/2004 scoop: Yours is right!
07/14/2004 John Slocum (3): Ah, the good old days, when Giants strode the Earth; eh, scoop?
07/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Authors note: I edited the shit out of this. It used to be about cockroaches. This, I felt, was more to the point.