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It is Kruger speaking, and as you know I am a very tall man, with an athletic physique. I have a room in my home dedicated solely to the display of trophies (many garnered in sports triumphs), which I must assume has been ransacked by my enemies - who oppose my lifestyle out of spite. In my present confinement it is difficult to maintain fitness, and I have for this reason undertaken a vigorous twice daily calisthenics regimen. And I have other tips for improving your form, whether you are being held as a political prisoner or simply training for a sports season:

1.) Take regular exercise.

2.) Refrain from hot screw before a pivotal match. By letting all of your fuck well in the tip of your very manness you maintain an edge, a condition of physical and mental agility. You know well the state of torpor into which you lapse after spilling your such hot sex.

3.) Leave workaday tasks such as cooking and errands to your acolytes - keep your mind and spirit focused on the task (or game) at hand.

My late father often faced the disdain of lesser men, who treated him abominably due to a repugnant social class animus. But because of his preparation and fitness, he enjoyed many triumphs over his foes.

My current circumstance would cause lesser men to despair, but consider this a dream I had last night: I dreamt I awoke to discover a gleaming shiv beneath my pillow, which I used to stab my captors and gain freedom. I don't go in for Freudianism or psychoanalysis, but here is my interpretation: I have a strong desire to escape captivity, exact revenge on those that despise me, and be restored to my former lifestyle. And who can blame me?

Now it is time to do stomach crunches.

Date Written: July 12, 2004
Author: Kruger
Average Vote: 4

07/16/2004 Will Disney (3): this one was *unsexy*
07/16/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): I like the Chekhovian voice, but dislike the matte, lack-lustre sheen.
07/16/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): Here's to hoping Kruger gets his fuck on after he shivs his captors
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis (4): Kruger is getting jipped.
07/19/2004 qualcomm: are you sure you're not kruger, lewis?
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: I don't know what to do. My worldview or "lewisenschaung" has been shattered by the lies of my leader. Someone please deprogramme me. Yes, programme.
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko (5): ...can't...help...myself.
07/19/2004 qualcomm: regarding point #3, Kruger, do you delegate cooking to matza or danko?
07/19/2004 Jon Matza: OSS, you will not be stopped! Let me buy you a Grolsch, guy!
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: OSS, you know the answer to that. I have a baby blue apron with "Lewis' Bitch" on it.
07/19/2004 qualcomm: i hope matza realizes that was a "deliberate" provocation
07/19/2004 Jon Matza: I do, though possibly not what point is being made.
07/19/2004 qualcomm: um... i guess something about how now that we've hashed some of these issues out, we're free to bring them up with no hard feelings. right, danko, you fat fuck?
07/19/2004 Jon Matza: Oh, I thought maybe it was a sweat-act public statement amounting to "I am going to to stick to my rhetorical style no matter what! See everyone! I'm making a speical point of doing it here! Etc!!!"
07/19/2004 qualcomm: no, it was what i said.
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Wheeeee, I'm so fat! Fatty, fatty!
07/19/2004 John Slocum (4): I agree, Kruger is getting gipped, this is great stuff.
07/20/2004 Craig Lewis: OSS: I'm not Kruger. I have employed Danko's services in the stove top fire-roasting of red bell peppers.
07/20/2004 Jon Matza (5): I also have been enjoying the Kruger series, even if it isn't by Lewis (though I think it might be, comments below notwithstanding). Esp good by the lowly standards of the guest section. That's 4 high votes coming from Brookline authors. Long live the 'lith!
07/20/2004 TheBuyer: it's 'gypped' you biggot wops.
07/20/2004 anonymous: this is Matza not Lewis.
07/20/2004 Jon Matza: Good theory--except I don't use aliases (or make anonymous comments) like the rest of you feebs.
07/20/2004 stuffy cunt: Lewis, do you really want your child to grow up knowing his daddy lied about being Kruger? Think before you type, my boy.
08/17/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Kruger? Oh, where have you gone, Kruger?