home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


You want to make something of it? Go ahead, asshole. Make your move. Go to HR and initiate the Dispute Resolution Process.

That's right: go down to 3 and find yourself an unoccupied All-Form Kiosk. When you do, choose MLP Complaint Form, douchefruit. Yeah, type in your little Name, Social Security Number, faggot-ass ComSec Code and the Nature of Your Complaint in the spaces provided. Take your little index finger, click the Done button, mince over to 02NYC_Julie8271 and get your gay little printout. And don't forget to sign it before handing it off to your HR Rep, homo. Oh, good fucking luck if it's Debarsky, by the way. No, nothing, I'm sure he'll take care of it right away, since you're so popular down there.

Hey, when it gets bounced back to you in two weeks, why don't you waste some more of your useless time by filing an Appeal of Complaint Denial form. Oh man, I'm begging you. Since ACD's go directly through two levels of management, be sure to mention that chickenshit Alternative Investment Report you wrote last March. You know, the one that got the whole fucking department audited by Compliance? No, I'm just saying, that's the kind of move that's made you such a big swinging dick around here. Yeah, that's what I thought. Buh-bye, cheesedick.

Date Written: July 14, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.5

07/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Can't ...decide ...must ...not low-ball, must ...not over-rate ...Lerpa's shorts.
07/19/2004 anonymous: yeah you lowballed my last one simply because it was mine. what a douchefruit.
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis (5): It's a little bit sub-Herbert Kornfeld, but I like it.
07/19/2004 anonymous: see, maniacs, lewis likes it. it's a little sub-kornfeld, but he likes it.
07/19/2004 scoop: Stop alienating me with your sophisticated references, Lewis. My self-image is really touch-and-go right now.
07/19/2004 anonymous: i'd provide you with a link, scoop, but due to an increasingly shitty editorial staff at the onion, you can no longer access archival material without paying for it.
07/19/2004 scoop (5): This short rocks like a Weberian guitar solo.
07/19/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): I'll give you a 4.5 because it seemed to go on and not change. But don't get me wrong: it was really good. You're really good. No, you're a really good author. Dousche fruit I enjoyed. The thing I like about The Lerpa's better shit is that there's a very genuine, not necessarily funny self-truth in there that he's cornering and then beating the shit out of until funny comes out. Some day he'll crack. Since Lewis gave it five and seems to know what he's talking about, I will too.
07/19/2004 scoop: In the future, author, please abide by Syd Field's obligatory changes in narrative when penning your shorts. Thank You.
07/19/2004 anonymous: i'd like to thank everyone for your unassailably fair-minded votes.
07/19/2004 scoop: Hey F you.
07/19/2004 Will Disney (4):
07/19/2004 Stash (4): should've been a writer for "Office Space" on this one. very nice.
07/19/2004 Ewan Snow (4):
07/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Scoop: I know, right? No third act, no pent-ultimate crisis?
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Fuck! I want to give it a five but Lewis gave it a five.
07/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: If "Office Space" had included The Lerpa's graphic Magnum Opus, Penny Pulowski, it would have garnered high marks in both Syd Field and Robert McKee's books on The Craft.
07/19/2004 anonymous: danko: when the hell has that ever stopped you?
07/19/2004 anonymous: maniacs: next time i'll also be sure to make my paragraphs precisely five sentences long: 1 introductory sentence, 3 supporting, and 1 conclusive.
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: But now I'm totally humiliated by having been outed. Must cover up.
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis: Herbert Kornfeld is a columnist-character at the Onion, assholes. I would link to the articles that the Lerpa is ripping off if the Onion hadn't just gone all subscriber with their content.
07/19/2004 anonymous: it's not all that much like kornfeld, except for its office environs. as stash mentioned, you could argue that it's more like office space. or any number of things that make fun of sterile office jargon. i'm actually basing it on the guy who sits next to me at work. he's in compliance and he swears a lot on his headset phone.
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis: Whatever, dude. The fact is, Kornfeld beat you to the obscenity-laced, office-jargon-filled, indignant-tirade-on-banal-office-politics-imbroglio by about five years -- and this should matter to you, the very same Sausage who's always accusing everyone else of biting, and insisting on "originality" as the uber critical critereon (see "to me the most exalted criteria for any piece art is that it has an original voice, some kind of spin that's particular to its creator," and passim). The point is, I gave your derivative short five stars anyway, because of excellent writing and execution and overall funny-wunnies, which makes me a better person than you, and you a hypocrite.
07/19/2004 anonymous: really? i thought the joke with kornfeld was that he's a white accounts receivable nerd who talks like a brotha about office stuff. he's not really angry the way the narrator in this short is - kornfeld's more overly proud of his achievements and machismo, like a rapper. but never mind these subtleties, i realize they are lost on you: there's an office and there's swearing, so i ripped it off. you're deliberately pretending to find the two more similar than they really are to make your idiotic point. (i still stand by my past cries of rip-off, at least the ones that were meant seriously.)
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh man, I just took the best shit.
07/19/2004 anonymous: what else is new?
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis: I'll stop making idiotic points if you stop espousing full of shit theories about art, originality, anxiety of influence, gender politics, race, and class.
07/19/2004 Craig Lewis: Danko, why you gotta rub it in?
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: No really, it was goosebump inducing.
07/19/2004 anonymous: lewis: why don't you take that up on the message board where i posted it? explain what's wrong with what i said and i shall respond. you're distracting people from my art by posting here.
07/19/2004 anonymous: danko: did you have an imaginary conversation with jody during it?
07/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Indeed, OSS! And in the retelling I distorted the main thrust of the conversation to suit a very weak argument I squeezed from my anus thereby rendering the conversation far from imaginary. In fact...REAL!
07/19/2004 anonymous: what the hell did that mean?
07/19/2004 scoop: Have you guys guessed who the author is on this one? I'm totally stumped.
07/19/2004 TheBuyer: scoop; stumped. also, is that a new shirt? you look very nice today.
07/19/2004 scoop: Thanks for the compliment TheBuyer. But actually, I'm not wearing a shirt. I'm carefully drawing a series of concentric circles with a thick black magic marker around each of my breasts. When I finally reach the nipple I have some very interesting things planned...
07/19/2004 TheBuyer (5): 'snakeyes-bitch,' said the douchefruit, 'Fucking McManus.'
07/20/2004 mr.coffee (5): fantastic
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony (4): This is a loud sound that plays for a while, then stops. It plays for exactly the right amount of time.
09/16/2004 Dick Vomit: I like to post comments long after the fact, OK? That's my thing. Anyway, this smells more like a ripoff of my real life experience than any Herbert Kornfeld piece I eva read. Maybe OSS ought to keep outta my office life.