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A priest, a rabbi, and a Branch Davidian were in a daisy chain. The priest grabbed the rabbi by his circumcised member and heaved the weight of its cocky mass onto his mouth. The rabbi used both hands to manually manipulate the Branch Davidian’s uncircumcised manhood, slapping himself on each shoulder before sinking the one eyed goblin (the guy’s dick) between his bearded lips. The Branch Davidian used a sex-grade block and tackle to raise the priest tiny cock onto his chin and then used only his tongue to get it to fall into his mouth, where he could suck on it better. The FBI agents were watching through the window, whacking off, until the ATF showed up with a six pack and some bottle rockets. They started doing dip and one of them was like, “I bet you can’t shoot a bottle rocket into the Branch Davidian’s asshole.” So they took turns but they all missed. And there happened to be a crumpled pile of newspaper in the corner which is how that whole fire in Waco got started. It was on the news.

Date Written: July 15, 2004
Author: James K. Polk
Average Vote: 3.1667

07/20/2004 25squared (3): Extra points for finally explaining what a "one eyed goblin" is. Now if you could so kindly help me out with this "bearded clam" thing I have been hearing for years.
07/20/2004 anonymous: You call that extra points, 625? Guess you didn't like it much. But I think a bearded clam means a pussy.
07/20/2004 Stash (5): this is fantastic. i can't get over this short, there may be something wrong with me. i want to say it's brilliant. (i've also heard that clam means pussy, so does "bearded" clam reference pubic hair? that would make sense.)
07/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Ummmm...
07/20/2004 qualcomm: this one must be stopped.
07/20/2004 Litcube (4): An extra star for describing the Branch Davidian's tongue talent.
07/20/2004 anonymous: This short has something retarded in almost every sentence.
07/20/2004 qualcomm (2):
07/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Anon_a is right, except strangely coy. What be anon, anon? I'm tempted to go with a one, except it seems rude punishment for a guest...
07/20/2004 Ewan Snow: I could write a whole thing on this one...
07/20/2004 Stash: honestly, didn't any of you take pleasure in reading this? isn't that the point? didn't anyone laugh? i sure as shit did.
07/20/2004 anonymous: Ewan and Summer, what's your problem with this short? I thought it was pretty funny. And I guess stash did too? "What be anon, anon?" Is that supposed to mean something, Ewan? If you don't like it, fine, but there's no need to be mean about it.
07/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Sorry, author. And I meant to type "why be anon, anon?" I didn't mean to be obnoxious, it's just that I think this short didn't come out how you might have intended.
07/20/2004 qualcomm: i didn't like it because:
1) sloppy writing made it a chore to read;
2) the subject matter was trying too hard to be shocking/subversive
3) aside from the sloppiness, it's just not very well-written
4) it's got that old "an ethnicity, a religion and a nationality" joke setup, the ancientness of which means you've got a lot to overcome to make this worthwhile. in my opinion, you didn't
5) in short, it was a sweat act (i.e., anyone could write this, all it takes is a bit of effort)
i gave it two stars instead of one because i liked the part with the dip. not trying to be mean, that's my honest opinion. you want an honest opinion, or you want me to blow smoke up your ass?
07/20/2004 anonymous: Okay, but what makes you think you know what I intended? I know it's probably not great, but you agreed with anon_a that every sentence is retarded. And now you say it's not what I intended. How do you know?
07/20/2004 qualcomm: yeah, ewan: how?
07/20/2004 Ewan Snow: The joke setup turns into a shaggy dog story, which seems unintended. "...grabbed the rabbi by his circumcised member and heaved the weight of its cocky mass onto his mouth." is absurdly poorly written; "cocky mass" is awkward and, maybe trying to be fancy writing; "onto his mouth" rather than “into” is awkward. "Manually manipulate" is redundant and awkward. The parenthetical "the guy's dick" is unnecessary explanation. "The Branch Davidian used a sex-grade block and tackle to raise the priest’s tiny cock" may be the one genuinely funny line, but given the previous lapses cannot be trusted to be intentionally ridiculous. "into his mouth, where he could suck on it better" implies that he could suck it to some degree even outside of his mouth. The ATF guys actually playing with alcohol, tobacco and firearms (or fireworks, in this case) is an old joke. "And there happened to be..." is a clumsy and awkward shift. "It was on the news" is a strange change of tone, makes the story seem like a just so story, and is anti-climactic. Did you intend all of those things? If so, my apologies and I'll give you five stars.
07/20/2004 TheBuyer (2): 1 star for Snow's b.s about the 1 star votes but qualified with, 'I earned at least one of my 1's and wear it like a badge on my parka.'
Author; if you go back over the archives and read some of OSS's shorter shorts, and some of scoop's suggestions to guest authors, and some of the more vapid and isipid guest shorts, you'll see what they mean without having to hear about it the hard way. Also, the whole priest, rabbi, blah blah blah thing kills it for me, in fact everything before the FBI show up, but “I bet you can’t shoot a bottle rocket into the Branch Davidian’s asshole” gets you the second star. guest to guest 2, your move.
07/20/2004 qualcomm: i think that of the things you mentioned, snow, "cocky mass" and "(the guy's dick)" were intentionally bad.
07/20/2004 Stash: Snow: isn't most everything you said here the whole point of this short? it's all intentional, no Author? "The parenthetical 'the guy's dick' is unnecessary explanation." this is exactly what makes it so funny. and apparently you've never had a cock heaved up onto your mouth. a healthy dick smack in the face every now and then, why - it's good for ya. also, you can suck a dick outside the mouth using your lips, hickey-style but softer. you're definitely not gay.
07/20/2004 anonymous: Okay, ewan, I see some of your points, though I still think you could have been a little nicer about it. I didn't think you guys cared about that stuff so much, like awkward sentences. Go ahead and give me a one if you want. I just wanted to write a short about religion and then I thought of the priest and rabbi format. I couldn't think of how the punch line should go so I decided to have it end with explaining about the fire. Stash, not sure about all that cock stuff. I definetly meant some of it, like Summer Sausage said about cocky mass. But I think I meant to write "into" instead of "onto". Sorry, guys. I'll try again, though.
07/20/2004 Stash: shit, then can i take back a couple of stars? i misjudged the intent.
07/20/2004 Litcube: My bum is an star.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony (3):