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Leonard - Prologue - Evolution

Julia and Alicia are like so best friends, even though Julia is a big fat slut and Alicia is like totally a big a fat slut. They have totally lame jobs in the totally lame mall and they are still like totally Best Friends Forever. Totally BFF right? They work at the Gap? In the mall? I know, like stereotypical and everything but like there is such a total reason for stereotypes. It’s because they’re all true. They went to the food court together to have lunch with each other, which like, is so funny, because they like totally may as well just throw their food in the toilet because it’s not like they eat anything at lunch. Also? They're totally giant man-eating toads and that's like status quo, okay?

Anyway, the food court was so totally packed with like all these losers and when Julia and Alicia ['all-ee-see-ah', thank you not 'ulishuh,' get it right] found a good table their slushy drinks were totally sweaty and this like dork guy was totally staring at them.

"What a moron," Julia said, spearing a squirming child and pulling the arms off with her nails, "I know! Like, figure it out. Like, Hello."

"Ya, Seriously 'capped, like handy," Julia sipped her Foetus-Julius and chewed the unblended chunks while she talked, which is so gross, "Erick though? is such a dick, he belongs like, in a side-show. Did you see him fall down drunk?"


"Wasn’t that bad? Oh my god, that was so bad of him. He's totally bad."

"Whatever,” slurp, “Do you think he’s slimy?"

"Erick? Ya."


"I know, so hot. Kay," Julia said, slupping the bottom of her drink, "We're so late. Do you want this, I'm totally stuffed?" More like, totally getting fatter, but whatever.

"No I'm so totally stuffed too," Alicia replied, squeezing her belly out from under the table, "I had like a whole bag of darkie-heads all to myself today, I feel gross." Alicia feels gross, because she totally looks, and is gross, is totally why she feels gross.

They finished their lunch and started back to the store. More like totally wrapped like, both their entire lunches in a napkin and hucked it in the trash can that was so full and gross already, and like they weren’t totally going to secretly eat junk food all day anyway, big fat toad-asses stretching their lowriders to the limit, but whatever.

Unlike Julia and Alicia, Leonard is a regular human being, not a giant toad. You will meet him soon.

Date Written: July 15, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 3.8333

07/21/2004 25squared (4): Leonard is so like kewl judging from this homolog. I like poop on my dick. Waiting for more, Leonard that is.
07/21/2004 anonymous: I was hoping to get the first two posted on the same day because the prologue is by far the most queer and confusing of the three so far; curse of the Q I suppose. Thanks though.
07/21/2004 Stash: "a whole bag of darkie-heads" i think i've fallen in love. no critique. i'm just here for the read, guys. don't mind me.
07/21/2004 qualcomm: i have the sneaking suspicion that darkie-heads is a nefarious fucking ripoff of r. crumb's celebrated 'nigger hearts' bit.
07/21/2004 anonymous: I wish it was because that would be a clutch klept, but it's not.
07/21/2004 Stash: don't be jealous, sweet meat, i still crush on you the most.
07/21/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Wildman Sam's PURE Nigger hearts! Sho' Nuff! Evvabody wants some!
07/21/2004 Stash (4):
07/21/2004 anonymous: Frtiz? zat you?
07/21/2004 Stash: Author, who you talkin' to?
07/21/2004 anonymous: No one. Jus' talkin.
07/22/2004 Stash: vote on this short. give it a score. it's too good to ignore. "Ya, Seriously 'capped, like handy," really. come on now.
07/22/2004 Litcube (4): omg!!! byer u r so cute!!!
07/22/2004 TheBuyer: [emoticon]
07/22/2004 Pix (3): Cube, that was the best thing I read all day.
08/3/2004 Jacob Starfish: Having read all five to six parts of the Leonard story, I feel okay commenting now! Here goes! This one, um, this one, read in the context of the entire series is an actual working prologue. When I first read it, not knowing what the story was going to be about, I felt a little misled! Also, jerked around! Also, it feels a lot like that thing on TV with the fat dead guy and the guy from Just Shoot Me pretending to be girls that work at the Gap. But I've read the whole thing now. Another interesting thing: The narrator takes on the character of the two girls, and kind of makes fun of them! Wow!
08/3/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
08/3/2004 qualcomm: you are so full of shit, pony.
08/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Why?
08/3/2004 Dylan Danko: Why is it that OSS' last comment does not show in the User Feedback linky? Disney, is this what we have to look forward now that you're in Boston?
08/3/2004 The Finch: That sometimes happens when comments are in the middle of being deleted.
The Finch
02/3/2005 Cyrus (4): After I read the rest of the series this got way better than the 2*'s I would have voted. F'n fat toad sluts.