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“Duuude, Iiiiiimmmmm goooinnnnnggggg to graaaabb anotttthhhher beeeeeeeerrrrrr, oooooookayyyyyyy?” It was that fucking ghost again, and surprise-surprise, he wanted another freaking beer. My beer.
“Yeah sure dude, but can you use a coaster, this time,” I replied, feigning my best deferential tone, but came off passive-aggressive nonetheless. He was a ghost, and a real asshole, but he was my friend. I mean I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But I had just gotten the coffee table from the Door Store and I didn’t want to mess it up.
“Toootaaaallllyyyyyy, duuude,” he moaned, cracking open a frosty one, floating in to the living room and slouching on my couch. “Whennnn izzzz the gaaaame on,” he groaned grabbing the remote control out of my hand. What’s new.
The first time I saw the ghost he was peeking his head out of my bedroom closet while I was making love to my wife. His head just materialized right through the closed door. He saw the look of shock crawl across my face and put his finger to his mouth signaling me to be quiet. I didn’t want to alarm my wife, so I continued to make love to her. Meanwhile the ghost kept flashing me the thumbs-up signs and raising the roof, mouthing the words “oh yeah” all the while. Afterward, he poked his ghostly right pointer finger in and out through a whole he made with his left hand and in his spectral diction asked: "Doesss yooouuurr wife haaave aaannnyyyy frieeeends?"
Before he began to manifest himself as a specter in my house, the ghost had been Hunter “T-Bone” Fleetwood -- my best friend. It had taken me months to get back to a centered place, you know, emotionally, after Hunter’s death. Since he has returned as a ghost he has just been hanging around my house, eating my food, drinking my booze and making my wife uncomfortable, to say the least, with being “intimate.” Its especially difficult cause me and Molly, that’s my wife, we’ve been talking about having a baby. She keeps threatening to leave me if I don’t do something about it. But T-Bone's gonna be T-Bone.
The ghost appeared so much that his phantasmic form became commonplace around the house. It always seems to have the worst timing. I had planned all week on enjoying this new documentary about different community efforts to fight corporatization of water and other natural resources.
“Listen, I don’t mean to be a pain, but me and Molly really wanted to watch PBS tonight,” I said tentatively, hoping he would take the hint. “It’s tackling an important issue.”
“Peeeeeeee Beeeeeeeeee Essssssssssss is liiiiikeeeee toootaaaallllllyyyyy gaaayyyyyyyyyy, duuuuuuude,” he moaned back putting the beer down on my new coffee table without a coaster. “Nooowwww letttsssss gettttt dowwnnnnn to braasssssss taaaackkkssss. Whhheennnn arrrrreee youuuuuu goingggggg to getttt lucckkkkyy agggaainnnnn? I waaannnntt anotthhhherrrrr freeeee shoowwwwwww! Knowwwww whaaat Iiiiiii meeeeaaannnnnnnn? Huh? Youuuuuu knowwwwwww? Yeahhh!”
Date Written: July 19, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.53333
Comments:
07/23/2004 John Slocum (5): Well worth staying up late! Excellent. I thought the last paragraph was a little bit of a let down, author could have done better with it. Almost not a five because of it, but, what the hell, what a great idea.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Yeh! A little mainstream, but funny. It helps that the mainstream parts are the funny parts. I also like that the author took the care not to extend inapropriate consonants, a common mistake when writing ghost dialogue. 4.4
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Haven't read this yet, but it struck me as a rip off of the obnoxious alien short by oss.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Not bad.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: I thought this might be Matza, but he spelt "hole" "whole", which doesn't seem like him. Do you sons of bitches realize Matza hasn't written a short in almost a month! Shame on you, Matza. Shame on you!
07/23/2004 TheBuyer: Sum'bitch! The New Pain don't hurt so damn much now, does it?
07/23/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Nice job, Scoopy.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Yes, the powerful, feature-rich software application I developed confirms that this is scoop.
07/23/2004 scoop: No way, dude. Who ever wrote this is a mouth breathing fuckbag whose very posture sends shudders of rage through my entire being. He should be gutted slowly, and his viscera hung from a public square as an example to the people of what doesn't fly around these parts.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Nice try, but my powerful, feature-rich software application doesn't lie.
07/23/2004 John Slocum: C'mon guys, this is Matza. Scoop, are you suggesting Matza is a mouth breather?
07/23/2004 TheBuyer (4): most of these stars are for scoop's comment
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Slocum, are you questioning the power of my powerful, feature-rich software application? ARE YOU?! As I said, I thought it was Matza too, but he wouldn't spell "hole" "whole" and plus, my powerful, feature-rich software application says its scoop.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: *it's* (boy do I have egg on my face!)
07/23/2004 John Slocum: Even the mighty Matza mis-spells when he's deep in a creative reverie.
07/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Scoop, why so enraged by your own short?
07/23/2004 The Finch: Ewan Snow's powerful, feature-rich software application is correct. Scoop wrote this short.
signed,
The Finch
07/23/2004 Stash (4): agree on the last paragraph, but it tickled my brain. great idea.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Hey, Finch, are you Ol' Summer Sausage in real life?
07/23/2004 qualcomm: no, he isn't
07/23/2004 Jon Matza (5): I didn't write it, wish I had.
Re "Matza hasn't written a short in almost a month! Shame!": a quick once over of Snow's last ten shorts reveals the following:
1. "The Old Man flaked..." - added 7/15/2004;
2. "The Ancient Order of Acme" - added 6/23/2004
...and what have we here?
8. Dr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. - added 5/20/2004"
9. Metamorphosis - added 4/12/2004
It pains me to see a fellow author impaled on the spikes of his/her own hypocrisy and righteousness. Why? Because it's a loss of lustre for acme.
07/23/2004 Mr. Joshua (5): Author should sell this idea to Bud Lite to counter the Labatt's Bear.
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, but Snow's been busy creating a powerful, feature-rich software application, writing the next Newbery winner and also being a nurturer. What's your excuse? And as for that lustre...well you can save it for your asshole.
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): Oh yeah, nice work, scoop. I thought it was the guy with the keyboard problem....wait,was that you?
07/23/2004 Jon Matza: Jimson: I was taking care of my baby. (Oh no, sorry, that's your excuse.) I was working on a little something I like to call "The Monolith Discourse: An Exploration of West Hartfordian Sophistry".
07/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Ewww! Nurturer.
07/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Jimson, are you going to Disney's party tomorrow night?
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, if you're babysitting.
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Matzy: I was hoping you were, in fact, trying to recreate that delightful E.C. compilation of yore.
07/23/2004 qualcomm (4): one point debit for the ripoff. it's not always easy, having written what is, for acme, the equivalent of the king james bible, homer and shakespeare all rolled into one. i won't fight it anymore -- use it, my brainchildren, use my rich, expansive body of work, which informs your very thought-dreams like memories of pregnant spiders taken from tyrell's niece and implanted in rachael's artificial mind. use it, acme, take my limbs, for i am your giving tree (which shel silverstein ripped off from me), your mother, your sire... the very fucking soil from which you sprout. assholes.
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Sausage sprouts assholes. Etcet.
07/23/2004 scoop: Why did you stop Jimson, reading that made me feel like velvet-shorted youth skipping over hill yonder.
07/23/2004 anonymous: Sorry Sausage, no rip off intended.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: i know you didn't. you can't help it if my body of work informs your very thought-dreams. i forgive you. i pardon you.
07/23/2004 The Finch: ...
signed
The Finch
07/23/2004 Jon Matza: Buyer, Stash et al: What's going on? Why haven't you killed this conversation with a knowing, self-congratulatory unfunny comment yet?
07/23/2004 TheBuyer: I'm working on matching my online persona with my actual personality. It seems to be working, thanks for noticing! you cunt.
07/23/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4):
07/23/2004 Stash: what? take away from the "Sausage sprouts assholes" and so on? never. sweet of you to say, though. besides, OSS doesn't acknowledge me anymore now that i've revealed my secret crush.
07/23/2004 Jon Matza: That's more like it. Thought the earth was about to crash into the sun...
07/23/2004 TheBuyer: Any time, brother.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: All due respect to Snow and The Finch, but I'm not convinced that this was written by scoop. There seem to be far too many clues pointing right to him--surely designed to fool a powerful, feature-rich software application or degenerate know-it-all weirdo. I'm not saying this isn't scoop. Just saying it looks too much like him.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: jesus christ, pony, do you think it's him or don't you?
07/23/2004 qualcomm: i finally figured it out. snow is the finch.
07/23/2004 Jon Matza: What's with the exasperation, OSS? That Pony comment could've been written by you.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Sorry, Summer, but sometimes the world doesn't always lay itself out in black and white terms! Sometimes it's not all right and wrong; good and evil! Sometimes it's slippery and gray like a human brain!!
07/23/2004 Mr. The Finch: Hey Matza, how dare you hold me to the same standards as I hold you to? Besides, acme has suffered for lask of you. Wouldn't it be rude of me to claim it has suffered from lack of me. And as you know, my modesty precludes such claims.
07/23/2004 Mr. The Finch: I (Ewan) am not the finch. And I don't think I could be the finch if I tried. The finch is really neutral. I would just abuse it. Also, if I were the finch, why would I have created this stupid Mr. The Finch account in an attempt to mock him?
07/23/2004 Mr. The Finch: And Pony, trust me. Scoop wrote this. Of course you know that, however, cuz YOU'RE THE F-ING FINCH!
07/23/2004 qualcomm: pony: are you saying the authorship of this short isn't a black and white fact, whether you know it or not? matza: are you serious? i can see how you might confuse my practice of frequently changing my author-guesses with pony's relativistic hemming, but i rarely lay my arguments out in his bet-hedging terms. i throw myself heroically into opinions.
07/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, i think you have to explain what you meant to OSS.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Why would I say that? That's a pretty ridiculous idea! What I was saying is this: I feel that the clues that tie this short to scoop are so obvious and direct that they do not actually aid me in deciphering the authorship of the short! I say this firmly, honorably, and, I might add, heroically! I'm sorry to hear that you're upset that I didn't answer a question that you asked after the fact, but I guess them's the breaks, pally!
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Creating a fake account to mock another one of your fake accounts would be ingenious!
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Except that I did it before I was accused, if you'll check the message board, smart guy.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, now--I wasn't accusing you of doing it. Is no one reading my posts?
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: OSS accused me of being the finch. Are you not reading his posts?
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Now that you mention it, no!
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: But you knew that, considering YOU ARE THE F-ING FINCH!!!!
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: I still think it would be awesome to do that. That would bring about a real Era of Discombobulation. You sure you're not doing that? 'Cause that would be so rad.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, I admit it. I'm the finch. See i decided to act as gay and stupid as possible. Hence all my comments as the finch, which display what a total douche bag I am. You know, cuz the finch is a real slime ball. And I'm the finch, so I should know.
Signed,
The Finch
(really Ewan Snow)
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: I don't believe you.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: pony, other than scoop there are 3 authors who would know to use hunter fleetwood: me, you, and maniacs. it's too carefully put together to be me or maniacs. and it's too text-based to be you. therefore...
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh, so you're saying you wrote it, OSS?
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: And Mr. Pony, of course you don't believe I'm the finch, cuz YOU'RE THE F-ING FINCH!!! You fell right into my trap!
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: That's certainly one of the details I was talking about. What really gave me pause was the "whole" homophone. That seemed too out-there for even our editor-dependent friend. Not me; probably not Maniacs, I thought it might have been you, but I guess that settles that. Suppose I'm just paranoid.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: whoa
07/23/2004 John Slocum: Guys, it's me, I wrote this. If the "Afterward, he poked his ghostly right pointer finger in and out through a whole he made with his left hand.." line doesn't give it away, I don't know what would. I was trying to generate excitement about this short on the message board early this morning and pretended to stay awake late so I could "read" it, then, of course, the fake 5-star rating. You all fell for it.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Slocum is full of doo doo, as my powerful, feature-rich software application has indicated.
07/23/2004 Jon Matza: Snow: your application may be powerful and feature-rich, but it doesn't seem particualrly robust.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: It's not only robust, but it's mission-critical. Or at least it will be going forward...
07/23/2004 Kyle MacLachlan (5): This reminds me of this hilarious anecdote from the set of The Hidden. I had asked Tom Berringer to get me a donut. But instead he got me a bagel. I was like Tom I wanted a donut, dude, not a bagel. Ane he said to me well just pretend its a sour donut with no frosting. Oh man that Tom sure is a cut up. Anyway, later when he was drunk he told he heard voices and saw ghosts. That The Hidden is a real gem, and I'm proud of the work both me and Tom put in to it.
07/23/2004 The Finch: Oh my goodness!
signed,
The Finch
07/23/2004 Mr Pony: Of course I'm The Finch, you fucking assholes.....
Signed,
The Finch
07/23/2004 Moe-Ron (5): Hurray for Hunter (T-BONE) Fleetwood. I love that guy. And his horny ghost.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: All right, all right. The "Mr Pony" without the period after the "r" is not me. I'm the one with the period. "Mr. Pony". I'm the real Mr. Pony, the Mr. Pony who brought you the rarely-used Acme Thunderdome, the Mr. Pony who held the bridge at Gjallerbru; Defender of the Red Flag, Eater of Strange Food, non-smoker.
07/26/2004 scoop: See! The comment dated and timecoded 7/23/2004 5:04:25 PM. I come to you with the truth, friends. Nothing more. And a humble suggestion to murder Slocum.
07/27/2004 catfish (5): very funny, and illuminating of the scup mentality.
07/27/2004 scoop: Rare catfish sighting!
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, catfish! Long time no see! Wait a second, did Kyle MacLachlan...vote?
07/27/2004 scoop: We are fucking #1 for Hunter "T-Bone" Fleetwood on Google. Man am I proud!
04/27/2006 Master Bates (5):