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It was hard to deny that my extreme anal makeover had been something of a lemon. For the life of me I couldn't understand how Dr. Horowicz had got his rep as the top ring-man in town. If you want the real truth, it'd been a complete balls-up from soup to nuts!
Now according to Horowicz' subway ads, “At AnuCenter you will experience the thrill of watching via state-of-the-art telescreen as we craft you a firmer, sleeker asshole, always 'ouch-free.'” But right off the bat the nurse in charge of shaving my crack (I have quite a dense thicket down there) nicked one of my anal lips with her razor. The pain was wicked, and it took a good fifteen minutes before the bleeding subsided enough for the local anesthetic to be applied.
While I'm the first to admit I know nothing about medicine, I had to wonder why the "anesthesiologist" was a skinny kid in a track suit who looked about 14. Other questions plagued me too. Why were his hands trembling so badly, for example? And was it really necessary to insert the needle directly into my perineum instead of a less sensitive spot nearby? Finally, why did the needle have to be a) so long and b) stored in a freezer? Whatever the case, the sensation as it slid under my skin made me howl and clutch at the sides of the operating table. I'll tell you something else: seeing a half dozen glistening cockroaches scuttle down the wall behind the telescreen didn’t ease my apprehensions any, either.
But it wasn’t till the operation itself that I truly began to regret my decision. Yes, the painkiller had numbed the area effectively. But I got queasy watching the live televised image of Dr. Horowicz' tiny whirring blade sending geysers of blood and bits of flesh flying from the rim of my bunghole onto his apron. And I got even more squeamish when I felt a sudden violent tug and saw his eyes widen. In fact I lost consciousness entirely.
I was still numb when I woke up. Something felt wrong. I noticed that two clipboards had been propped up by the wall near my head. The first held a rubber banded wad of 20s and a 90-day prescription for codeine. A ball-point pen dangled from a dirty string tied to the clip of the second, which contained what seemed to be a waiver form.
As soon as my eyes had passed over this assemblage of objects Horowicz (who must have been watching) stepped forward, chuckling, and began to massage my neck familiarly. “There's half a grand of haircut money, there son. Not a bad day's pay considering you don't have to do a lick of work, outside of forgetting you ever set foot in my clinic." He stopped massaging me abruptly and picked up the tiny whirring bladed device. A high-pitched whine filled the air as he clicked it on with a flourish.
Horowicz was smiling at me intently. "You will do the right thing, won't you, son?"
Date Written: July 19, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow (4): This short is a real pain in the ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
07/23/2004 TheBuyer (4): (no matza)
07/23/2004 qualcomm: may have to three this...
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Please do, OSS!
07/23/2004 Stash (4): it's good, butt i'm probably a little more uptight than you guys.
07/23/2004 Mr. Joshua (4): This guy should have followed Farnsworth's lead, and gone DIY.
07/23/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm not sure I get the ending. More specifically, I'm not sure why that's the ending. A lot of fun, otherwise.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: the topicality of 'extreme anal makeover' really rankles my chancre
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: If that's the case, then you should one star it. Go with your heart.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: you keep saying that, ewan
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: I was just playin', dawg. I can see giving it a three for the topicality you pointed out, the slow third graf, and the unsatisfying ending. I believe, however, this is more or less a four.
07/23/2004 anonymous: Pony: Horowicz has made some horrible surgical blunder & is offering the narrator $500 & some codeine to walk out of the clinic and keep his mouth shut. The implication's that if he, the narrator, doesn't accept, he'll suffer worse butchery.
07/23/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: If it only rankles your chancre you should give it a 3, but if it really sticks in your craw, then 1's the right choice.
07/23/2004 John Slocum (3): Confusing me too. So many juicy little moments, (AnuCenter, top ring-man in town, always 'ouch-free, etc.), but overall a bit of a sweat job, a bit clumsy. 3.5, 3rd paragraph slows it down a bit, etc. Well, here we go.
07/23/2004 qualcomm: jimson, what if it cheeses my keyster?
07/24/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Two? Try?
07/25/2004 scoop (5): I like the end of this short, but I think maybe "we" should've gotten to heart of the matter a little bit sooner. Perhaps if it began with the 4th graf, "It wasn't until..." that would have made the community scared that they too could wake up in a hospital bed after an unknown procedure with a maniacal doctor bearing down on them with whirring blades. And in these days of HMOs and skyrocketing insuracne premiums who among us has not felt the sting of limited options when it comes to our decisions about health care? As for the vote, I'm making up for lowballing the first installment of Fence Guy. I have since come around on him. Maybe I just saw too much of myself in the little fella.
07/26/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): This started fantastically, but ended only OK for me, much like the careers of Orson Wells, Marlon Brando, and Stacy Keach. I'll tell you something else: Red sox beat Yankees 9-6.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony (4): The threat at the end feels so regular, especially for you, Matza. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed in you, because I know how much that hurts to hear. Also, I'm not disappointed in you. While I feel the ending is vestigial and rotten, the creamy center is studded with sparking jewels.